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Wife left after 4 years of happy marriage, should I take a gaming holiday?
MrT137
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I'll try to make a long story short, and I'll have to leave out some of the details.
I'm 28, married my college sweetheart almost 5 years ago, we got along great with just about everything. We liked the same foods, played games together, laughed at the same jokes, did scuba diving, designed and built a very nice house together, got along with each others friends, etc. The only significant disagreement we had was her was slowly drifting apart from me, wanting more space, and acting as if I was smothering her when I clearly wasn't. At first she denied there was an issue, but it became worse to the point where she would turn me down for even a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant. I saw the direction things were heading, but by time I convinced her to see a marriage counselor, it was already too late. She had already decided she wanted to be single, even though, by her own admission, I had done nothing wrong and was a great husband. There wasn't anyone else involved, she just felt as if she never got a chance to 'live on her own' or 'manage her own money'. Now, I never held her back with anything, even when she wanted to go on trips without me, or working excessively long hours.
Anyhow, I went to PAX East this year (my first PAX!) with a couple of my friends, and it was probably the best weekend I've had in a while ( I
Wil Wheaton). It helped to dull the pain, because shortly after PAX, my wife and I decided to get a divorce. It wasn't a total surprise and we both agreed it was for the best since she clearly didn't want to be married anymore. Within only a few weeks, we separated out things, signed some papers, she moved out, and now I'm stuck in a nice big house (with a nice big mortgage), and it's unbelievably lonely. The split has been really harsh since doesn't want me to know where she moved to, and will only talk through email about the few loose ends we need to wrap up.
I'm sure I'll get by because I like to cook, clean, I'm good with money, have a good engineering job, and I'll probably get some roommates to help out the financial (Northern Delaware if anyone is interested). But at the same time I'm at a total loss what to do. And here's where I could use some help from a gamer's perspective: I've always told myself that if I happen to end up single, I would FINALLY get around to playing a lot of games that I could never seem to find the time for, or play a get into a time-consuming MMORPG for a little while maybe. But ... now I have so much cleaning to do, planning and making meals (I love to cook), organizing an entire house full of stuff (She only took about 10%), I don't know when or how I'm gonna find the time.
I think I might need to take a gaming holiday, maybe a take off a week where I pick a game I know I like and go through it (like FF, RDR, maybe Heavy Rain). I've thought about it before, but it was always an incompatible idea with having a serious relationship (In hindsight, not so much). I would stock up on food, not plan to do any serious work on the house, and have this sort of schedule for each day:
~12 hours of gaming
2 hours of working out (Because it'll keep my mind more focused on games, and I want to stay in shape)
2 hours for eating and taking breaks
8 hours of sleep (I'll need it)
I could probably fit some more gaming in. Either way, I don't know if it's a really fun idea, or if I'll end up just feeling more lonely? I'm generally very social, but every once in while I like to have my own time. Maybe someone out there has had a similar situation.
Also, because this post might sounds a little drab, I'll add that I have a lot of supportive friends and family members who are willing to keep me busy and play games whenever I need it. I'm not the type of person who is prone to spending a lot of time being sad and depressed either.
Divorce sucks.
I'm 28, married my college sweetheart almost 5 years ago, we got along great with just about everything. We liked the same foods, played games together, laughed at the same jokes, did scuba diving, designed and built a very nice house together, got along with each others friends, etc. The only significant disagreement we had was her was slowly drifting apart from me, wanting more space, and acting as if I was smothering her when I clearly wasn't. At first she denied there was an issue, but it became worse to the point where she would turn me down for even a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant. I saw the direction things were heading, but by time I convinced her to see a marriage counselor, it was already too late. She had already decided she wanted to be single, even though, by her own admission, I had done nothing wrong and was a great husband. There wasn't anyone else involved, she just felt as if she never got a chance to 'live on her own' or 'manage her own money'. Now, I never held her back with anything, even when she wanted to go on trips without me, or working excessively long hours.
Anyhow, I went to PAX East this year (my first PAX!) with a couple of my friends, and it was probably the best weekend I've had in a while ( I
Wil Wheaton). It helped to dull the pain, because shortly after PAX, my wife and I decided to get a divorce. It wasn't a total surprise and we both agreed it was for the best since she clearly didn't want to be married anymore. Within only a few weeks, we separated out things, signed some papers, she moved out, and now I'm stuck in a nice big house (with a nice big mortgage), and it's unbelievably lonely. The split has been really harsh since doesn't want me to know where she moved to, and will only talk through email about the few loose ends we need to wrap up.I'm sure I'll get by because I like to cook, clean, I'm good with money, have a good engineering job, and I'll probably get some roommates to help out the financial (Northern Delaware if anyone is interested). But at the same time I'm at a total loss what to do. And here's where I could use some help from a gamer's perspective: I've always told myself that if I happen to end up single, I would FINALLY get around to playing a lot of games that I could never seem to find the time for, or play a get into a time-consuming MMORPG for a little while maybe. But ... now I have so much cleaning to do, planning and making meals (I love to cook), organizing an entire house full of stuff (She only took about 10%), I don't know when or how I'm gonna find the time.
I think I might need to take a gaming holiday, maybe a take off a week where I pick a game I know I like and go through it (like FF, RDR, maybe Heavy Rain). I've thought about it before, but it was always an incompatible idea with having a serious relationship (In hindsight, not so much). I would stock up on food, not plan to do any serious work on the house, and have this sort of schedule for each day:
~12 hours of gaming
2 hours of working out (Because it'll keep my mind more focused on games, and I want to stay in shape)
2 hours for eating and taking breaks
8 hours of sleep (I'll need it)
I could probably fit some more gaming in. Either way, I don't know if it's a really fun idea, or if I'll end up just feeling more lonely? I'm generally very social, but every once in while I like to have my own time. Maybe someone out there has had a similar situation.
Also, because this post might sounds a little drab, I'll add that I have a lot of supportive friends and family members who are willing to keep me busy and play games whenever I need it. I'm not the type of person who is prone to spending a lot of time being sad and depressed either.
Divorce sucks.
MrT137 on
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If you want to do this as some sort of healing ritual or way to avoid pain then I suggest you seek out friends and family to help you deal with your feelings.
Just think about why you want to do this before you do.
Like Sentry said, you seem well adjusted about this. I'd suggest doing something new and exciting, like renting a race car on a track, going skydiving, or picking up a sweet hobby like RC aircraft. Add a large helping of gaming in there and call it a week.
Do what you want, as long as you're happy (or getting there).
that is all i'm saying
P.S.: if you're actually going to go through with it, here's some advice from someone who used to have the same schedule for summer: remember to take a couple minutes of break every 3 hours or so, your eyes will thank you
and get eye drops
2 hours: work out
22 hours: do whatever the fuck I feel like
Seriously, just sit down, play games as long as you feel like. Get up and eat when you feel like it, go to bed when you feel like it. I've done many 12+ hour days of gaming in my time, a week of lots of gaming isn't going to kill you. At worst you'll feel like a bit of a fat slob from sitting around all day while eating pizza and nachos (that's what I'd be eating anyway).
To that end, I highly recommend staying away from WoW or any other MMORPG. At the current stage in your life, there is a very real possibility that you'll get sucked into the game. There's no real way to "win" WoW, and there's no real finish line, so there's no impetus for you to get up and actually walk away from the game. While it's a great diversion, it is just that - a diversion. It's not real life, and it's not a healthy way to fill the void of a recently-divorced spouse.
But yeah, totally all for it man. Buy a game, play the shit out of it. Buy another game, play the shit out of that one. Just make sure that at some point, you stop doing it. Maybe set a limit to the number of games or the amount of time you do this routine... Eventually, you want to reach the point where you still have an active non-gaming lifestyle but still make time for playing games.
Yeah, I don't know how much gaming I could do until I tried. I know I'd have to stop every 2-3 hours and take a break, and that's where I figure I could work out or eat a good meal Maybe I should just go with that, sleep whenever I want to, even if it's in the middle of the day, lol. I sit behind a computer for 7-8 hours on some days at work, and I've had movie marathons that lasted upwards of 12 hours in a day.
Good point with WoW, I don't want to get sucked into that.
I actually am getting a lot of stuff done around the house (cleaning, painting, paperwork, etc), it's just hard to put in a few hours for games because it's a long list of projects right now that is hanging over me. That's kinda why I thought I could just set aside a few days and fly though a game or two. I haven't even taken any time off work because I'm working a lot of cool projects there too.
I've got some buddies coming to play boardgames this Sunday and cookout. Which will be fun and great for keeping my mind off things, but I still have that urge for some serious single player gaming.
A marathon of gaming can be a great time, I say go for it but don't give yourself a time limit or goal in which you need to be playing a game - play whenever you feel like gaming. Do whatever the hell you want to do, when you want to do it.
That's liberating as hell.
RDR can definitely suck up some hours, but in my opinion can get a little boring in long sessions. I suggest having at least two games to play during that time.
If you want a great single player experience check out Valkyria Chronicles. If you like RTS and things like FF Tactics, it's like a fun marriage of the two.
DONE!
Splitting games up is a good suggestion. I haven't played Valkyria Chronicles, but I did like FF Tactics, and I love the Disgaea series (also an excellent way to absorb lots of time).
And, FWIW, I'd talk to a professional or clergyman about your marriage. This will sound harsh, but your ex really stikes me as a vapid, selfish, sex-in-the-city-wannabe flake if she left a good, loving relationship to flex her "grrl power" feminist muscles.
What happened hurt, but comming to terms with who she really was may hurt even more. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.
Margaret Thatcher
Not everyone is the same guys, I had a serious breakup (was engaged) and did this exact thing. Excellent week all around. We don't all need to talk to people about bad stuff to move on, some of us process a lot of it internally. We are all different.
Also, not the place to turn it negative, widowson. Lets not talk about his relationship which we know little to nothing about.
If you need game recommendations, I'm excellent for that!
Well, we're well past the part where we talk about our issues and our marriage. I'll resist the urge to go on a diatribe about the whole feminist, sex-in-the-city movement influencing women to leave good relationships. I've known a couple other guys close to my age who have gone through a similar wife-up-and-leaves-happy-marriage-to-experience-single-life, and they all were devastated. I actually only know of one breakup among my extended friends where the husband left, but he eventually worked through his problems and they made up. Maybe I'm just seeing coincidences where I want to see them.
I'll have to think this out more, I'm starting to consider just taking a mental leave day and playing some games. A few days or a week might be too ambitious for now.
Definitely work out, physical activity helps for general wellness. You seem like a solid guy, so just takes thing easy ;p
I think it's awesome you're doing well, and absolutely go and play as many video games as you feel like! It's a good way to make your priorities important to you again, same with going out and doing stuff with friends.
But I do want to just give you a bit of the other side of the complete bullshit you're spouting there about the feminist movement encouraging young women to leave their good relationships. What may have been a good relationship from your view may not have been as fulfilling or exciting to your wife, or to your friends wives, and why is your contentment more important than hers? It isn't, and if you go about blaming the sex-in-the-city movement for someone growing the balls to admit "hey, this relationship isn't working for me" you're going to have a difficult time integrating with the dating circuit.
From personal experience (married at 23, divorced at 30) the reason people tend to separate around that age, is that a LOT of growth and maturation and personal change happens in your twenties. And I know for damn sure that I'm not the same person now as I was when I walked down that aisle over seven years ago.
You were young, you both grew up and then apart - don't be blaming a TV show or society for the evolution of your relationship.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
EDIT: The reasons stated for why she wanted out of the marriage seem pretty insufficient/immature. Sure there's probably more going on, but let's not dogpile the guy who just got divorced in his breakup thread. We can discuss sexual inequality, feminazis, and the emasculation of men (almost) literally anywhere else on this board. Not here guys.
Play some games. Give your mind and heart a break.
https://medium.com/@alascii
But this is also not the thread to go over this with him, and we're only receiving his side of the story, so maybe we should all just focus on the advice he was requesting in the OP.
However if you think you have an addictive personality, or are the kind of person who will just play and play and play without mechanisms to stop you then don't get into it. You don't want to enter 2012 and find out you've got a game time of 120 days.
https://medium.com/@alascii
If you can, try to stock up on some healthier snacks to enjoy while on the couch. Dried fruits and veggies, good quality beef jerky, some canned fish, natural (oily) nut butters, some good bread and hummus ...just to throw some ideas out there. Also, see if Restaurant Runners can deliver any awesome food for you.
There are also some sweet co-op games out there if a buddy can join you for a day.
And on a side note, I like your attitude.
No one to have made plans with, no one relying on you to do anything, no one relying on you to be anywhere at a specific time. Just wake up, get up if you want, or maybe go back to sleep if you want. have lunch at 3:30pm if you want, eat breakfast in front of the computer in your underwear, don't shower until 8pm if you want, basically do whatever the fuck you want for a week or two or however long you take from work.
Its amazing how much better you'll feel by doing all the things that you used to have to check for first.
Even when living with a girl who doesn't mind my gaming, I still get off the computer every so often even on a Saturday (my day a week where I have no work at all) because we have to at the very least, do the food shopping every Saturday, if not other stuff, and regardless of the fact that I might want to spend ten of my hours on Saturday playing videogames, its selfish to do that when she probably doesn't, so I get off every few hours and spend some time with her.
Now, you don't have to do any of that and could quite conceivably go to bed at midnight, wake up at 9 or 10am, walk straight from the bed to the computer chair, flop down in it, and not get up again until you're hungry, at which point you forage for food, then get back to the computer and eat there. I don't advise doing this for very long, no more than the length of your holiday, but it can be incredibly good for you to do it.
At the same time, I totally agree that she left because she was unhappy in the relationship (or thought she could be happier elsewhere), and I don't particularly agree with OPs word choice in his latter post. I'm just trying to judge him by his actions rather than one poorly thought out post.
Literally the only thing a marriage prevents you doing is sleeping around/casual sex. Everything else you can do with a supportive enough partner.
https://medium.com/@alascii
PS4:MrZoompants