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Halp! I'm moving my girlfriend into my house...
SkyCaptain
IndianaRegistered User regular
IndianaRegistered User regular
This will be the first time I've ever lived in a house with someone that wasn't family. I've been on my own for almost two years now and it's nice, but the house is feeling emptyand things are great between my girlfriend and I. We're both really happy to be with each other and her daughter (three years old) adores me, even though she calls me shithead sometimes. And then giggles of course. It's some inside joke that only she understands.
I'm just curious what steps I can take to ensure this transition goes smoothly for all three of us.
I'm just curious what steps I can take to ensure this transition goes smoothly for all three of us.
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@Zombiemambo - I'm actually hoping her stress levels will diminish with this transition. She's had some very stressful problems recently and this move will help alleviate the biggest source of that frustration. Thankfully, I'm naturally stress-resistant. I don't sweat the small stuff and most things are small stuff to me. My mom thinks I should be an EMT/Paramedic because of it.
My biggest concern is establishing authority with her daughter. Fortunately, she's only three years old... so it'll happen naturally over time. I also have years of experience as a step-child, both as a very young child too young to remember things clearly and as a teenager... so I can rely on both those experiences to help guide me away from bad decisions. Right now, I just want to be sure she'll mind me when I tell her not to do something dangerous, like play with the stove or oven, especially while in use.
My other concern is finances. We'll be maintaining seperate accounts and she'll be contributing to cover increased utilities and food expenses and will continue paying for her own auto-insurance and cellphone for the time being. Our combined wages are more than adequate to maintain a standard of living neither of us could afford by ourselves. It'll be easier for us both since we're not renting/buying two seperate residences and all the associated costs of each.
Maybe in the long run, but I really doubt she's going to be completely fine as soon as she moves in. Maybe it's just the people I've moved in with, though.
It's probably good to be concerned about this. Coming to rely on two incomes puts you in a more precarious position then you might other wise be in. Raising your standard of living is a good thing, just make sure you save more as well.
Make an emergency savings account with a couple months worth of wages (obviously save up over time). That way if bad things happen, you won't end up destroying your credit or worse. Write up an agreement simply claiming who has rights to how much money if thats your kind of thing.
Start putting away for retirement, too, while you have this little bit of breathing room. Its never too early to start chucking money into a 529, IRA, or other fund. This may not seem important now, what with retirement 40 years off... but once you hit 30 and realize you haven't saved shit (And realize the last 10 years of that 40 year span is where compound interest kicks the fuck into overdrive and its where you can make some serious cheese) you're going to have to reduce your lifestyle to compensate.
Don't stretch each check, either.
And by this I mean both making sure furniture wont fall over if the little girls uses it for climbing and also consider if you have something which is important to you and fragile in any way.
I'm not saying she will automatically try to destroy anything but stuff happens so think about it before it does. Include your girl friend in the process it will make her feel more welcome.
Also consider what can be done to ensure it becomes home for all three of you and not just your home with permanent visitors. This can be something of a challenge and in some ways it is much easier to simply move into a new place so no party has more history in the place.
You are dating, so this is more then just a roommate situation. If you will be sharing a bedroom, make sure you make space in the dresser and closet for her stuff.
Avoid references to "this is my place, or this is my stuff" as that will make her feel like a guest.
Sounds like you have had the money talk, that's good. Make sure to have the chore talk. i.e. who cleans what and when.
Also, make sure you are both on the same page with your relationship with the kid. Does the girl see you as the step father role, or just the roommate/other adult role?
Consider the long term plans for your relationship. Nothing is written in stone, but if you see this as a future wife then integrating your stuff or buying things jointly is not a bad ides. If not, then less so.
This.
I was in a similar situation, cept my woman didn't have a kid. I had never lived with a girlfriend before either. Just parents, and then other dudes when I was living in a barracks. I had let myself believe it would be cake since I had spent the previous two years living in a room smaller than most dorm rooms with two other guys. That was dumb.
Anyway, I get to Hawaii and I have my now wife move into the house with me. Let me just say that the first two months were ten times more stressful then I thought they had any right to be. It was definitely a major transition that I wasn't properly prepared for. Things would have went smoother had I did some of the things mentioned in this thread. That was close to two years ago and now we're doing amazingly. We've settled in nicely and have an awesome savings/retirement plan going, a plan for chores and dinner, all that good stuff.
I cannot say enough how getting your finances in good order (not that they aren't) and having an emergency nest egg/retirement plan will give your girlfriend peace of mind, especially if she has a kid.
The fact that you're here with these concerns and questions tells me that you're gonna be fine. There will be some growing pains as things get settled, but I believe that can only be mitigated, not entirely avoided.
Good luck, bud.
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I've added that to the budget for both of us, but I don't plan on ever retiring completely. I'm going to work full time until I can't work anymore.
I'm a guy. The most fragile thing I have is my computer and it's locked inside a brick of a gaming case. All my D&D miniatures (which I already have her playing "dice" with) are the DDM plastic ones that are nigh indestructible. My girlfriend has locked curio cabinets for her knick knacks and bric-a-brac. Ah, I just looked up. I should probably put my dagger into storage instead of on a shelf. I can just see her using a broom stick to knock that off and impale herself with.
I just moved into the house last September and only a couple months ago started personalizing it with paint and blinds, curtains, etc. She's already hinted that she wants to paint the kitchen and the bedrooms with me. I hope she doesn't have her heart set on pastel colors though.
@Others - Chores is a good idea. I hate cleaning and so does she. We're doomed!
Moving in together is going to be a huge step for both of us -- me especially -- but it's also going to help us both out financially. And I'm very happy I'll be able to see her more often. The short distance (25 minute drive) was a bit of an issue.
Just be sure to continue to communicate as you go along. Congratulations!
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
My only closet I "use" is a walk-in closet I put the guinea pig cage in. She wants the walk-in closet, so the pigs are going somewhere else in smaller cages heh. I'd honestly get rid of them since they're not the pets I'd hope they would be, but her daughter adores them.
fixed
For the grownups in the house, lots of space any time either of you wants it, individual rooms you can hang out in a great plan and was a lifesaver for me. Separate bathrooms was also amazingly worth the extra price, so I hope you have at least two. If she has a bunch of stuff she needs to move in, ask your friends for help or offer to pay them - having help unpacking and lugging everything into the house probably prevented us from killing each other on the steps.
Thankfully no. The guy is a deadbeat and has never had anything to do with her. She's much better off without him interfering in her life. My girlfriend plans to legally remove all his rights to her daughter at a point when she can afford the court costs.