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Married young with clashing libidos & personalities
MetroidZoid
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Yeah, not sure where to start. Was going to do an alt, but none of you guys really know me anyways so ...
Well, background is that I'm 23, my wife is 21. We just got married this July. We were engaged for a year, and together about a year longer than that. Before that, high school and college and such, we were anon-again-off-again couple. We've had our issues in the past, and sorted them out as they've come at us.
Currently my issue is that I have the sex drive I did when I was 16 ... and she doesn't. And I find myself constantly taking care of it the way I did when I was 16. Now, to eliminate certain things; she was on birth control for the past year and a half or so. This drastically cut down her libido, among making her body a hormonally ravaged war zone. She tried about three different kinds, all with more negative side effects than good, before finally getting off the pill. This helped ... for about a month. Good sex, really good sex. Spontaneous, passionate, what you'd expect from newlyweds or any really in sync couple. Now it's slowly petering off, and I find myself more and more frustrated. That's the best word I can think of, just festering among myself about how I really would like to have sex, and the usual replies are that she's 'in the mood, but doesn't feel right down there (like a yeast infection', or she's definitely not in the mood (no one is all the time, I get it), or something else. I understand, sex is a two person act.
So with all of that going on, I have a swirling vortex of confused feelings and hormones raging in my head. I've more and more frequently thought of approaching the subject of certain fantasies, that may or may not involve multiple people, to the roommates. I feel we're open enough with everything that this wouldn't make anything weird. Things like "Oh hey lets play strip poker" (and see where it leads) play in my mind all the time. We've told each other stuff like what we find attractive on our respective others. Discussed our sexual experiences at length, and not in a boasting kind of way. Today I kind of want to talk to him, just to get a perspective on the issue, to see if he still wants to have that fling with my wife, and to broach the subject of his partner and their relationship. But maybe this was all to get it out in the open, and maybe it's a cry for help. But I need advice, H/A. I need help. Here's hoping for some deep insights and wisdom and shit, because goddamn I feel like I need to get laid.
Tl;dr: me and my new-wife hardly have sex anymore while the roommates with a history fuck like rabbits, it drives me insane.
Well, background is that I'm 23, my wife is 21. We just got married this July. We were engaged for a year, and together about a year longer than that. Before that, high school and college and such, we were anon-again-off-again couple. We've had our issues in the past, and sorted them out as they've come at us.
Currently my issue is that I have the sex drive I did when I was 16 ... and she doesn't. And I find myself constantly taking care of it the way I did when I was 16. Now, to eliminate certain things; she was on birth control for the past year and a half or so. This drastically cut down her libido, among making her body a hormonally ravaged war zone. She tried about three different kinds, all with more negative side effects than good, before finally getting off the pill. This helped ... for about a month. Good sex, really good sex. Spontaneous, passionate, what you'd expect from newlyweds or any really in sync couple. Now it's slowly petering off, and I find myself more and more frustrated. That's the best word I can think of, just festering among myself about how I really would like to have sex, and the usual replies are that she's 'in the mood, but doesn't feel right down there (like a yeast infection', or she's definitely not in the mood (no one is all the time, I get it), or something else. I understand, sex is a two person act.
But here's where it gets tricky. I obviously don't want to force her into anything. That could lead to a lack of trust, lack of feeling that your significant other cares for you, lack of enjoyment of the act. I don't want her to fake anything either. At the same time, take for example this happened a couple nights ago. She's ... caressing ... my testicles, as she likes to do in a non sexual way. And I like it because well damn it feels good. Well I was *hoping* to get her in the mood, so as I started to get physically aroused, and she started gently running her fingertips up and down, I got a little louder. Shuddered a little. Made it CLEARLY known I was in the mood. And this went on for about 5 minutes before she stopped. She gave me a quick little backrub (she gives great ones when she wants too) and laid down for bed. And I'm just kind of ... uh. And I tell her that I was hoping that she would keep going. Her answer was that she was really horny, and really wanted to, but she was too tired for sex and it 'took to long for me to get off'. I took offense to that because for one, I take as long as she does with digit and/or oral stimulation. Secondly, it was just two days ago I started fooling around with her, at the same time, and got her off on a LONG climax and when she asked "Are you okay if I don't return the favor?" eg "I really don't want to but if you want me to ...", I said it's okay. I feel like it's a big double standard. And yeah, I could've asked her at either time that yeah, I really want to finish, but she wouldn't be enjoying anything, and it would make me feel worse.
And now to complicate things, there's an issue that arose about a month and a half ago, that we talked at length for and discussed and decided on. Now, if you must comment on our decision I understand, but I don't feel that it's related to the core issue, just a complication on the side. We talked about how we had been our only significant others since high school, and it was not the norm for people our age. We're the only ones we've had sex with. Granted, she dated once or twice during our apart times in college, but it never went anywhere sexual. She's told me that, I know and believe her. But to sate any curiosity in our minds, we've made the agreement that we are both allowed one free 'fling' with someone else. I haven't found anybody, and really haven't focused on it since all of this other stuff arose. The first guy, a co-worker of hers, she asked. He said no, then maybe but it'd have to be spontaneous, then no again.
Before I continue this ... shit, it's like a novel now ... I have to describe our unusual living conditions. We're renting a house with another couple, unmarried. The've been friends for the past couple years. Anyways, they seemed like they were doing great, kind of 'we'll just always be together, don't need to be married to be in love' kind of kids (guy's 22, girls 20). Well a couple months ago she cheated on him. They split up but were still living together. She sleeps with another guy, at a party at our house, while no one noticed at first. A few weeks later, they get back together. Not before finding out she may or may not have had chlamydia, and spread it to the second guy (used to be a close friend of ours, not so sure anymore), but as of this week they're totally back to normal, no infection, and fucking like rabbits. They always have, but damn if I don't hear them literally every day, and sometimes twice a day. It drives me insane to hear that awesome sex and know I'm not getting any except from my hand. Now, back to the arrangement me and my wife have, at a time we both considered swapping with the roommates. This was back when she had cheated on him, but he didn't know it yet. It seemed simple enough; she was obviously loose, and my wife trusted him enough. It didn't come back up until the roommates got back together and him and my wife talked about it one day. The worry was that the girl roommate felt jealous at the idea (we all talk fairly openly about our lives, sexual and otherwise), and my wife couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of a permanent break up. They seemingly decided against it at the time, only to talk more the next couple days and decide that even if the roommates broke up, that wouldn't be the cause. Also around this time, my wife talked to the female roommate to lightly touch on the subject of me and her having the fling. At the time, the roommate said no she couldn't, because she only sees me as a friend. I took a hit to the ego at this one because I think I'm fairly attractive, and it kind of felt like "Oh, NOW she has standards ...". Found out a week later it was because the roommate was worried about developing feelings for anyone else while she was working on rebuilding her relationship. Understandable.
And now to complicate things, there's an issue that arose about a month and a half ago, that we talked at length for and discussed and decided on. Now, if you must comment on our decision I understand, but I don't feel that it's related to the core issue, just a complication on the side. We talked about how we had been our only significant others since high school, and it was not the norm for people our age. We're the only ones we've had sex with. Granted, she dated once or twice during our apart times in college, but it never went anywhere sexual. She's told me that, I know and believe her. But to sate any curiosity in our minds, we've made the agreement that we are both allowed one free 'fling' with someone else. I haven't found anybody, and really haven't focused on it since all of this other stuff arose. The first guy, a co-worker of hers, she asked. He said no, then maybe but it'd have to be spontaneous, then no again.
Before I continue this ... shit, it's like a novel now ... I have to describe our unusual living conditions. We're renting a house with another couple, unmarried. The've been friends for the past couple years. Anyways, they seemed like they were doing great, kind of 'we'll just always be together, don't need to be married to be in love' kind of kids (guy's 22, girls 20). Well a couple months ago she cheated on him. They split up but were still living together. She sleeps with another guy, at a party at our house, while no one noticed at first. A few weeks later, they get back together. Not before finding out she may or may not have had chlamydia, and spread it to the second guy (used to be a close friend of ours, not so sure anymore), but as of this week they're totally back to normal, no infection, and fucking like rabbits. They always have, but damn if I don't hear them literally every day, and sometimes twice a day. It drives me insane to hear that awesome sex and know I'm not getting any except from my hand. Now, back to the arrangement me and my wife have, at a time we both considered swapping with the roommates. This was back when she had cheated on him, but he didn't know it yet. It seemed simple enough; she was obviously loose, and my wife trusted him enough. It didn't come back up until the roommates got back together and him and my wife talked about it one day. The worry was that the girl roommate felt jealous at the idea (we all talk fairly openly about our lives, sexual and otherwise), and my wife couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of a permanent break up. They seemingly decided against it at the time, only to talk more the next couple days and decide that even if the roommates broke up, that wouldn't be the cause. Also around this time, my wife talked to the female roommate to lightly touch on the subject of me and her having the fling. At the time, the roommate said no she couldn't, because she only sees me as a friend. I took a hit to the ego at this one because I think I'm fairly attractive, and it kind of felt like "Oh, NOW she has standards ...". Found out a week later it was because the roommate was worried about developing feelings for anyone else while she was working on rebuilding her relationship. Understandable.
So with all of that going on, I have a swirling vortex of confused feelings and hormones raging in my head. I've more and more frequently thought of approaching the subject of certain fantasies, that may or may not involve multiple people, to the roommates. I feel we're open enough with everything that this wouldn't make anything weird. Things like "Oh hey lets play strip poker" (and see where it leads) play in my mind all the time. We've told each other stuff like what we find attractive on our respective others. Discussed our sexual experiences at length, and not in a boasting kind of way. Today I kind of want to talk to him, just to get a perspective on the issue, to see if he still wants to have that fling with my wife, and to broach the subject of his partner and their relationship. But maybe this was all to get it out in the open, and maybe it's a cry for help. But I need advice, H/A. I need help. Here's hoping for some deep insights and wisdom and shit, because goddamn I feel like I need to get laid.
Tl;dr: me and my new-wife hardly have sex anymore while the roommates with a history fuck like rabbits, it drives me insane.
MetroidZoid on
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PSN - MicroChrist
I'm too fuckin' poor to play
WordsWFriends - zeewoot
PS that is pretty mean to handle your junk, and then just stop suddenly. don't start something you aren't willing to finish!
I don't want to break-up ... for starters, it's no longer a break-up. We're talking full on divorce. Or annulment, I forget which. Either are big deals and will mean months if not years of backlash from friends and family. I want to work things out, and I think she does too.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Counseling is a touchy subject; I haven't had one instance where the topic of a marriage counselor or psychologist (for past issues of hers, family related shit and all that) wasn't met with a resounding 'no way in hell'.
And to be fair to her, she wasn't trying to get me hot and bothered. It just did.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
If I started stimulating my wife's most erogenous zones and then rolled over and started snoring, she would rightly say, "What the fuck?"
That said, I understand where you're coming from. Counseling is good, and so is romance. Try to act towards her the way you did when you first started dating. I don't mean the awkwardness/nervousness of just getting to know someone, but the only people who can keep the spark going are you and your wife.
Also, maybe there is some new unexplored sexual territory? You don't have to jump right into kinky stuff (lord knows I like my sex pretty vanilla) but trying some new things can push you and her into excitement over having something new again.
that's unfortunate (about the counseling)
imho, having a fling with roommates just screams of a disaster waiting to happen. Having to see them everyday? hell, what if this solves nothing and you hear their raucous lovemaking in the future? Personally, i'd be even more frustrated/jealous.
How open are you with her about your physical status? If you're completely thorny do you let her know? Letting her know these things (maybe even letting her know what you want to do, possibly in some detail) can get her juices flowing too, even if it's a quick message. Personally I have a very high satisfaction rate with this
What I'm trying to get at is this: I know relationships can start to grow stagnant (per se) but unless she's become completely disinterested there should be no reason why that fire can't be stoked - especially early in the relationship. Experiment with her before you let her (or yourself) experiment with others. This can show her that you're still in love with her as much you were early in the relationship and may help her open up. Talking about your previous sexual exploits - boasting or not - can be a turnoff and can have disastrous results. Steer clear of that, and talk about your exploits with her. Or the exploits you want to have with her
PSN - MicroChrist
I'm too fuckin' poor to play
WordsWFriends - zeewoot
Aside from sex, how is everything?
Eh, romance fluctuates. It's hard to get time just to ourselves, what having to share a household, but on that note we haven't been as intimate, sharing quiet times, etc since we moved in together two years ago. I party attribute that to the relationship just getting, well, standard? Predictable sounds bad, but yeah you know what I mean. More on that in a sec though.
Communication is an issue for us. She bottles up things until they blurt out in the wrong way and/or at the wrong time. When we do talk, it's usually only because we started with a disagreement that lead to "Well tell me because I don't know!" Unfortunately.
I really don't see this as the case, and yes all I have to base it on is how much I know her, but when I say I know her really well, it's not just a cliche. We know each other better than our own families, our closest friends. She once broke down because during a time in high school when we were apart, I left a Halloween party early and a guy made a move on her, kissed her on the lips, she pushed him away and when she told me a week later (I could tell something was up) she balled. It was killing her and it wasn't even her fault. But nevertheless, it's something in the back of my mind.
So, I mentioned what I think the core issue is, and I think this might pertain to it. When we started our relationship, we were both in high school. Living apart, doing things on our own time, longing to spend time together when we can and really enjoying those times. Even in college it was the same way. Now that we've moved in together, really tethered our relationship down, we see eacho ther all the time. Whereas the old us would never think to spend more time on a computer or watching a movie rather than being in each other's arms, it's not so important now. On the same note, my wife has always been the type to want things to go how she has them planned. Not a control freak, just one who likes things to be in an order she can expect. To keep her happy, I feel like I have to / should ask her things like, should I do this, should I do that. But reflecting upon this, I feel more like "Hey, our relationship has become, well, stale, and we've only been married a couple months. Only moved in together a couple years. This ain't right". I feel like I need to show her, let her know, that maybe if we branch out, take the time to make ourselves happy, not worry so much about how the other is feeling about every little thing, that we'll gain more appreciation for that time together. And maybe it's just me; I do feel that I go more out of my way to be complacant for her than she does for me. But I wish I had an unbiased pair of eyes to see the whole situation with, because everything I feel has emotional attachment.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Hokay. You know all that no sex you're on about? Entirely secondary. This is awful. You two are MARRIED. I'm not really sure whose brilliant idea that was, but the fact is that you're in it now and it's a LOT of paperwork to fix.
If she is completely unable to communicate with you, sex is literally the least of your worries. One or both of you needs help.
And not being on the same page regarding sex is another serious issue.
Young people get married all the time. I don't think age is the problem here.
You definitely need to sort this out. Talk to somebody. A counselor, a pastor...somebody.
A "fling agreement" is a pretty bad way to secure a relationship, since there's now a pretext of sanctified cheating.
Definitely DEFINITELY need to work on this. You say you two don't have a lot of personal time together? You need to get proactive on that and quick! This is a major problem here and it needs to be rectified or you can call it quits now
Yes the no sex problem carries a lot of roots here. Make the personal time. It doesn't even have to be at the house (to start off with, this may be easier). Spend some time together, in your room or a coffee shop or wherever you can find the place and talk about things. Talk about each other. Talk about your relationship; the love you two share. Hell bring up the fact that you don't spend much time together so the both of you can work on remedying that situation
She's your wife. You're her husband. The secondmost important thing to you should be her (first being yourself of course, don't let anyone get you off track from taking care of yourself); the same should go for her
PSN - MicroChrist
I'm too fuckin' poor to play
WordsWFriends - zeewoot
It's not cheating if the other partner agrees to it.
I'm not saying that it's what's happening here, but nobody should be required to be chaste for their entire lives just because the person they love has no sex drive.
Definitely make it a priority to find a sex-positive counselor.
Please please listen to this. You two really need to speak to a counselor about this. If she won't go, then you should at least go yourself. You need to fix the communication and emotional issues you two have with each other before you can fix the sex problem. Maybe the case is that she hasn't been having as much sex with you because she realizes you two aren't communicating anymore.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
I don't feel it's that way. The first guy she asked was back when we were having great sex. The roommate issue was later, but still we were having fun then. Now that the libido clash has arisen, the arrangement issue has taken a backseat. To be honest, even though we both agreed to it back when, I don't feel like it will happen. At least not for her. And if that's the case then do I really want to pursue my half, even though we agreed "Yeah, don't worry about the other, just do it if you want to", it doesn't eliminate thinking about the other person. But on the whole, I don't feel like the drop in libido is directly related our arrangement. Rather, I feel a large lack of communication and a feeling of general repetition in our relationship is a major contributer.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Just start conversing. Ask her questions and be genuinely interested in her responses. Keep a record (mentally or physically) of how she reacts. Talk about anything from how her day was to her thoughts on the dinner you two just ate
If she seems unresponsive/cold, don't press the issue - yet. If you haven't spent a lot of time just with each other lately she may not immediately know how to deal with the initial push. If she starts balking, tone down the interrogation. That's when you start talking about what's going through your head. It doesn't have to be serious issues if you don't want it to be, but it can get her more comfortable in the conversation and show her that not only are you a) interested in her being a part of your life but also b) interested in being a full part of hers. Opening the lines of communication can be very hard to start but once you crack those gates be ready for a flood
PSN - MicroChrist
I'm too fuckin' poor to play
WordsWFriends - zeewoot
I think your issues are not sexual. I understand that there's a particular frustration you're having there though. I think you need to work on your general intimacy. The "fling/swing" does sound a little alarming to me personally. Sex has so many underlying emotional elements to it that when you're in a committed relationship - it's really quite difficult to pull off without complications.
I know people do swing, but from what I gather (note: hardly an expert), it's people who have always been very sexual in the past and that have a different view of sex than the majority. The warning bells here for me is that the couple considering it are young and inexperienced.
I would go back to basics. Get some romance and friendship back into things. Have dates, make a night of romance, rather than trying to falll into a sexual routine.
Also - sex in a relationship/marriage is never all-sex, all the time. Relationships are organic and have their ups and downs with everything - including sex.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Meeting someone who is devoted and cares for you is sometimes difficult. Even when I am not in the mood, I feel an obligation to satisfy my partner by any means necessary, I feel joy by doing this. I am lucky that my girlfriend does the same thing, even when she cannot make love, she feels happy to do other activities to help me reach the climax.
Right, but I see "ok to have one fling" as different from an "open marriage." His description made it sound like they could have "one free cheat" with no hard feelings. Or, I guess, an agreement that they can "break the rules once," since it seems that from what they've talked about they really haven't considered an open marriage.
Especially given that the OP claims to feel guilty if she doesn't "get hers," which might be part of the underlying problem, as well.
Ultimately I agree, and that's why I think the OP must, must talk to his wife about it. Because he's very unlikely to accept chastity (or, uh, once-a-monthity) for the rest of his life, which means that if he's already considering using his "one free cheat that doesn't count as a cheat," what then? I think that's the biggest problem the OP might have with the arrangement. It's not the "will my wife use her 'free cheat,'" but rather "what happens after I use it up?"
You've already obviously seen this reply, MetroidZoid, but I wanted to quote it again anyway because it gets to the heart of what I was getting at with the "intimacy" question I asked earlier. You got married in July; this it the middle of October. You've only been married about three or four months. This is still supposed to be the honeymoon period. If communications are breaking down, romantic intimacy is breaking down, and you're now suddenly open to the idea of of someone else having sex with your wife even though you are currently not having sex with your wife, then, well, I mean, Jesus.
SO HERE IS THE POSSIBLE GOOD NEWS:
I think there's at least some possibility -- I'd even venture to say a very strong probability -- that your wife already noticed that there's a problem with your relationship. I'd venture to guess that it's part of why her libido is waning. She may not have identified exactly what the problem is or even acknowledged that she knows it yet. It may just be a latent feeling at this point which she can't verbalize. But the long and the short of it is that I don't think you should be surprised if, far from shutting you down, she actually agrees with you.
As long as you're not a total idiot with regards to how you approach the topic.
Here are some things to keep in mind going forward:
Do you tend to stay up late (whatever that means) and initiate sex before sleep? If so, maybe try getting something started earlier in the day, like when you both get home from work (if you both work)?
Whatever the eventual solution to this is, it's only going to come out of a frank and honest discussion between two adults who trust eachother. Hope you two can manage it somehow, whether it be assisted by someone you both trust or not. If you're right that your wife's not used to opening up and sharing her feelings, you've got to go the extra mile to make it happen: let her talk, keep your contributions to a minimum unless she asks for your input, be calm, reasonable and supportive, show her you want to make this work, etc.
She works 6:00 AM to 4:30 PM, Monday thru Thursday. Whereas I work either 8:00 AM - 4:30, or 9:45 - 6:15, on varying days. Weekends off come and go. So by the time I get home on later days, we're only up for a couple of hours before she wants to go to be. I've tried going to bed when she does, and getting up at the same time, but it's not how I normally function, it just throws me off.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
I don't think that this is the entire problem from what I am reading, but it might be a contributing factor.
Clashing schedules? I mean, it's not a perfect 9-5 matchup, but that doesn't seem all that nuts. So the 6:15 days aren't ideal, can you make the most of the days where you're both off at 4:30?
You and your wife REALLY need to sit down, and have a rather long conversation about all of this. Not just sex, but of EVERYTHING you mentioned. You should not be looking around to fuck other people while your married, especially only a few MONTHS afterwards (besides if you're poly, but your description doesn't sound like that.)
You should still be on cloud 9 after only a couple of months after marriage.
Also, the whole ball touching thing, and getting you aroused? That's pretty much terrible, as far as I'm concerned. Talk to her about that.
I mean, I know what it's like to just sort of...play around down there when i'm with my boyfriend, and not even in a really sexual sort of way. Just "hey, my hand is down there. Neat!", but I fully know that he'll eventually get aroused, and I'm going to have (and want) to do something about it.
Blue balls suck, a lot (it's actually possible for women to get blue 'balls', too, so yeah.)
She may not even know what she's doing to you in that department.
Good luck, man. Seriously.
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I brought up working on making time for each other, opening up channels of conversation, and most importantly, putting this fling-arrangement aside until we had worked things out. She agreed to all of it, we both said at that kind of word-vomit-at-the-same-time way that we want this to work out, and both work at it.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Oh hey look, exactly what I was going to say
You two are really young and hoo boy there's some shit going on, but you have the opportunity to build a really healthy stable relationship out of this if you can both learn to communicate clearly, effectively and without anger.
Good good! You're on track for salvaging your relationship. Just don't let it stop at that. Continue talking (whether it's topical or not), spending time together and being close. You two can make this work; I have faith in you guys
PSN - MicroChrist
I'm too fuckin' poor to play
WordsWFriends - zeewoot
So fuck.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!