Am I Being Selfish?
CasedOut
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Registered User regular
Okay so here it is. My girlfriend and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment, my desk and computer are in the living room since we use my computer to watch movies. She has a desk in one of the bedrooms where she can do school work and such, and she has a laptop.
I come home from school and she is doing homework on her laptop on the couch in the living room. After talking with her for a bit she goes back to doing her homework, I sit down on my computer and start to type etc. She gets pissed at me and says its unfair that she has to leave the room because she can't concentrate with me typing. She says I am being selfish by not letting her concentrate, even though she is using a laptop and has her own room with a desk.
Am I being selfish here? I don't even know how to resolve this. She literally wants me to wait patiently and do nothing until she is done concentrating. What should I do?
edit: Okay so update, I just talked to her and she is upset about the computer thing. She said that since I know that my typing bothers her, I am being disrespectful and selfish and that if she is in the living room doing homework, I should have to ask her permission to go on my computer. So uh yeah, I really have no idea what to do on this one.
I come home from school and she is doing homework on her laptop on the couch in the living room. After talking with her for a bit she goes back to doing her homework, I sit down on my computer and start to type etc. She gets pissed at me and says its unfair that she has to leave the room because she can't concentrate with me typing. She says I am being selfish by not letting her concentrate, even though she is using a laptop and has her own room with a desk.
Am I being selfish here? I don't even know how to resolve this. She literally wants me to wait patiently and do nothing until she is done concentrating. What should I do?
edit: Okay so update, I just talked to her and she is upset about the computer thing. She said that since I know that my typing bothers her, I am being disrespectful and selfish and that if she is in the living room doing homework, I should have to ask her permission to go on my computer. So uh yeah, I really have no idea what to do on this one.
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Calmy state your point. Offer a compromise. For example, take your computer into either hers or your room.
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Maybe she's upset you don't have to study as much, or at all. Or maybe this is about a larger issue with how you respect her time. Maybe she just needs some space. Either way, if that is the case then she needs to do a better job of communicating the issue, rather then just jumping on you when you violate one of her invisible rules. I would wait until she's calmed down, then have a rational discussion. I very much doubt you using the computer is the real issue here.
Well, if you typing in the living room is so irritating, then you can move the computer into that second bedroom and she doesn't get to watch movies on it anymore.
If she doesn't tell you ask. My bf and I both do this but we've learned to go back to the other and apologize and explain what's really wrong. So when I blow up about dishes or he freaks over the garbage we cool down and say "I'm sorry I freaked out, I'm not mad about X I'm upset about Y & Z." Ask her flat out if the computer is what's bothering her or if there's something else she wants to talk about.
I already tried that, she said the other room is freezing and she is uncomfortable in there and she said she still wants to watch movies in the living room. I even told her I'd buy her a heater for the other room, and she said that isn't the point.
Tell her there has to be some middle ground. Compromise doesn't mean she gets her way all the time.
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She can't expect you to not use your computer when she's studying. That's not reasonable, and sets an unpleasant precedent.
She is probably having a bad day and wants to be grumpy. Happens to everyone.
well shit she's being really difficult.
Can you fit a couch in her room? *not real advice
Maybe you should study in the living room to and tell her to leave when she makes too much noise. *not real advice
At some point you're going to have to tell her no.
I already told her I thought she was being selfish, and she said "So what does that mean you just don't care about my feelings?"
There's really no point in arguing with someone when they're acting like that. Logic is useless. Go for a walk at least.
Tell her those are the only options because you're not going to stop using your computer or ask her permission to use it. She can get over the typing sound, she can leave the room or you can move your computer and that's it.
Thats pretty much what I have said at this point. She thinks that makes me a selfish prick. I don't know how to resolve it at this point.
Does she listen to music while studying? Some cheap headphones would work great. What about a laptop stand and chair for your bedroom? There are a decent number of simple and easy little solutions that at least can be cheaper than a new TV.
Is this sort of thing a common event or is it a one time deal? When you've both had some time come back and perhaps try to sit down and explain how you both feel about this? It might help show how a simple annoyance at keyboard sounds turned into a (possibly) serious problem about respect and caring for others feelings.
As everyone else has already addressed the reasonable adult measures, there are not many more avenues which we can go down. Do you acquiesce to her, admittedly unreasonable, demands? If so, where does that put your relationship? Relationships should never be about power, but by giving her what she selfishly wants you to give without compromise only sets up the expectation that you will do the same thing when a similar situation comes up.
Unfortunately, we don't know the whole story. While you say she hasn't done something like this before, maybe she has, and as this was the most egregious example, you have finally stood up and paid attention.
I am not going to tell you to write off this relationship as broken, yet. If you want to give her what she wants without compromise and understanding, while inherently unhealthy, that is your choice. What I would recommend would be to have a neutral third party arbitrate, i.e. a counselor, who can point out the inconsistencies in the relationship. If she refuses to participate, well, that's probably another check in the box of "maybe she isn't what I want in a relationship."
Bitches, be crazy yo.
But seriously, from what you're presenting it doesn't sound like you're being selfish or unreasonable. However, it also doesn't seem that this is an argument that is really worth "winning". Just move your desktop into the spare room that she doesn't use and wish her luck on her homework with a kiss before you retire to your impromptu mancave.
My girlfriend is studying for her CPA. I gave her a bedroom and wear airwolf style wireless headphones to watch TV with while she is studying because that shit is hard and stresses her out. Anything to make her happy ultimately ain't no thing. (Also, she promised to buy me a boat when she becomes a CPA)
Also, how long have you two been together and how long have you two been living together? At least to me a fuller picture certainly helps.
I feel like she's being rude and snappy about it, especially by saying you don't care about her feelings, but some people tend to crack under pressure.
If this isn't a regular thing, then I'd do what Deebaser suggested, but if this is a regular thing, then it's time for a sit down. Gotta pick your battles.
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And the ONLY issue I would take with this is that she refuses to let him move his shit so that he can still use his things without bothering her. This is where "rude and stressed" crosses the line into "unreasonable" for me.
As far as her climate concerns go, understandable--but she needs to man up and decide to either be cold and alone in her room, or just learn to concentrate with what I can only imagine is the most negligible audio interference ever in the background.
Also, as two people living together with the (I presume) intention of doing so into the future, you might want to sit down and have a chat about the importance of rational communication in your relationship, as this whole issue is pretty ridiculous.
I mean really, "It's cold." "I'll buy you a heater." "That's not the point!"
She's right, it's not the point, the point is she wants you to do what she tells you.
Let it go for tonight. When she's out of homework mode, bring it up again in a civil way. If she still acts unreasonable about it and blames you for being selfish (you're not), you have a bigger problem.
Yeah, but at the same time - being rude due to stress doesn't really excuse the manipulative behavior. Based on what CasedOut said, she cornered him with the 'you don't respect my feelings' comments and now the argument is set to change from being about 'you're annoying me with noisy typing' into 'you're an insensitive asshole'.
To me, being rude due to stress would have been more like 'RAAGH STOP TYPING ZOMG YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!!1', followed by some kind of embarrassed apology about snapping at a later time. Not so much the using of loaded language to transmute one argument into a new and more virulent argument.
This.
Being irrationally touchy about any kind of noise? Fine! Stress does bad things to people, and sometimes you just have to let them have their perfect bubble.
Getting unreasonably angry at such? Again, fine! Stress puts people close to anger.
Channeling that anger into serious passive-aggression and manipulation that breaks down communication? Not fine.
Do this tomorrow, when she is not freaking out about homework.
I am assuming that she is not completely insane and childish, and that you probably did something previously, possibly in a chronic fashion that made her feel this way. I mean, she could be completely insane, but I get the feel from most of your posts that you're a bit of a goose, and it seems like you're reading between the lines here already but not comprehending it.
I almost agree with this. I can see how if she is studying and is tired and wants to be in the warm comfortable room, that makes sense. She is working, he is surfing the internet/playing games. Her 'work' is obviously of more importance, and sometimes in a long relationship you have to know when your partner just needs a bit of space and extra consideration.
He could just temporarily move the desktop, probably with much less fuss than he has had already.
If they were both just messing around in the room, or both studying, it would of course be on her to move, but if she is working and he is just tinkering about, hers is the greater need.
She is being totally mean and unnecessary about expressing herself though, and the manipulation is out of line.