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My father isn't the man I thought he was.
Fembot
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
No, he isn't a transvestite, either.
A few details before I get to the meat of it (and this will be long):
My mother is in her mid 50s, and the man I call "father" is her third husband, he's in his mid 40s - they've been together for about seventeen years. I am the eldest child, hovering at around 30 (product of the first marriage). My siblings are all around twenty, and are products of the second marriage.
My mother has always been incredible, and did a great job raising us. Not overbearing, not too lenient, always able to provide for our needs, etcetera. I really cannot find fault with this woman.
Her first husband cheated on her before I was two years old, and after they divorced he married the woman he had the affair with. Her second husband cheated on her (with my cousin, who was 19 at the time) after my youngest sibling was born. They divorced shortly after, and he hasn't been seen since. (Thankfully my cousin "grew up", and her relationship with my mother is good now.)
When my mother got married for the third time, I proudly told my friends that despite the fact that he had not contributed to my DNA, this man was my "real" father. Their relationship was great. He was a "dad" to us kids. He was good and smart and wise and strong. If they argued, they were always able to work things out.
Turns out, as of a few months ago, he's cheated on my mother too. I only recently found out. My mother is a wreck. This really did hit her out of the blue. She wants to get professional help, to learn if it is possible to rebuild their marriage. My "father" is waffling between being utterly manipulated by his mistress and wanting to work things out.
So, my view of my "father" is shattered. No longer wise and strong, he is suddenly weak and stupid in my eyes. I am aching with grief for my mother. She has requested that I not tell my dad that I know (for now, in case they can work things out). I only see them a few times per month, and I am having difficulties not being all strange towards him (in person and on the phone). I find that I cannot forgive, as my mother seems to have. I am not a violent person, however since learning this I constantly have the overwhelming urge to punch my "dad" and his mistress repeatedly. (I am not in danger of doing so, I know that it won't "fix" anything. That is just my emotional state.)
I need help. How can I deal with this, or get over it? Anyone who has been in a remotely similar situation, how can I offer support? One of my siblings knows, she's torn apart, and I don't know what the hell to say to her. I'm supposed to be the smart older sibling, and I feel like I'm 11 again.
I'm too old for this shit. So is my mother.
A few details before I get to the meat of it (and this will be long):
My mother is in her mid 50s, and the man I call "father" is her third husband, he's in his mid 40s - they've been together for about seventeen years. I am the eldest child, hovering at around 30 (product of the first marriage). My siblings are all around twenty, and are products of the second marriage.
My mother has always been incredible, and did a great job raising us. Not overbearing, not too lenient, always able to provide for our needs, etcetera. I really cannot find fault with this woman.
Her first husband cheated on her before I was two years old, and after they divorced he married the woman he had the affair with. Her second husband cheated on her (with my cousin, who was 19 at the time) after my youngest sibling was born. They divorced shortly after, and he hasn't been seen since. (Thankfully my cousin "grew up", and her relationship with my mother is good now.)
When my mother got married for the third time, I proudly told my friends that despite the fact that he had not contributed to my DNA, this man was my "real" father. Their relationship was great. He was a "dad" to us kids. He was good and smart and wise and strong. If they argued, they were always able to work things out.
Turns out, as of a few months ago, he's cheated on my mother too. I only recently found out. My mother is a wreck. This really did hit her out of the blue. She wants to get professional help, to learn if it is possible to rebuild their marriage. My "father" is waffling between being utterly manipulated by his mistress and wanting to work things out.
So, my view of my "father" is shattered. No longer wise and strong, he is suddenly weak and stupid in my eyes. I am aching with grief for my mother. She has requested that I not tell my dad that I know (for now, in case they can work things out). I only see them a few times per month, and I am having difficulties not being all strange towards him (in person and on the phone). I find that I cannot forgive, as my mother seems to have. I am not a violent person, however since learning this I constantly have the overwhelming urge to punch my "dad" and his mistress repeatedly. (I am not in danger of doing so, I know that it won't "fix" anything. That is just my emotional state.)
I need help. How can I deal with this, or get over it? Anyone who has been in a remotely similar situation, how can I offer support? One of my siblings knows, she's torn apart, and I don't know what the hell to say to her. I'm supposed to be the smart older sibling, and I feel like I'm 11 again.
I'm too old for this shit. So is my mother.
Fembot on
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You feel a great deal for your mother, but there's a lot of feelings for your father too, or you wouldn't feel so betrayed. DNA or not, you accepted him as your dad. You might want to treat this with the same seriousness that a biological son would too.
Tell her what I'm going to tell you.
This has nothing to do with you. Offer your support, but other than that stay out of it.
It isn't your fault, it wasn't your decision, you can't fix it. Yes, it's your mom and dad. But THEY need to work it out. Picking sides, talking behind backs, punch in faces, that won't change anything for the better. People make bad choices all the time. This is one of the big ones.
Hope it all works out dude.
And now I find out this. I looked up to my dad. He was funny, charming, and a good role model. I'm the good one in the family, so to speak, so I'm probably the son that's closest to my mom. It wrecked her. My mom is a strong willed person, too. She's a nurse that's cared for AIDs patients, hospice people, and cancer patients for years and years. But she still hasn't recovered, and even though she's tried to make things work, I really don't think they will in the end.
I don't really treat my dad any differently. I didn't stay angry, I can't really stay angry at people. I did look at him differently. He's a very smart man, and I wonder how he could do something so completely horrible and stupid. This is a good time to be supportive of your mom. Such a betrayal is more destructive than I can really think about. At the same time it might be wise to advise her to move on. My mom thought alot about what her actions would mean to me and my brothers (we're all in college), but I told her that it's about time she started thinking about how to make herself happy. How you treat your dad is up to you though.
It takes time, that's for sure. You won't be able to put it down at first and everytime you see/hear/think of your dad, you'll associate him with the cheating and you'll see definitely be seeing red.
One suggestion for you to get over the hurt is to not take it so personally. I know that's a weird thing to say but hear me out. Your dad didn't set out to hurt you or tear apart your family or make everything fucked up. It's not like he was sitting there thinking "What can I do to make everyone feel shitty? Oh, I know!" and then he went out to find another woman.
What happened was that (however the opportunity to cheat came about) your dad was faced with a decision that required him to put the family first or put his personal gratification first. And callously, he chose the second one. He decided he wanted to put himself before any of you.
Does that make it better? No. Any more excuseable? No. Does it even justify his actions slightly? No. It can however make the act slightly easier to stomach. He's not a horrible, malicious intending individual, he's probably more a horribly selfish one. It's a few notches down on the shitty person-o-metre but that might help.
As for your siblings, sit down and talk about it with them? I honestly don't know. When I found out my dad was a cheater, I was something like 4 and it wasn't really a revelation for me because essentially my entire family knew. I went through a time in my teens where I absolutely hated him for what he did but now (at 21) I have no real feelings about it. My mom has more than recovered, he's gotten on with his life and I've found it necessary to let go of the anger to get on with mine. I don't really like him now but that's not because of the cheating, it's because he's not really a good person.
The best advice I guess I could give is know that you need to let go of it eventually. There's no set time but after a while, you need to be able to go through the rest of your life without letting it surface because all it will do is dredge up more bad memories and the anger starts all over again.
I'm not so sure about that. The affair wasn't just a betrayal of the wife, it was a betrayal of the whole family. It has everything to do with the OP.
Maybe this isn't the best advice, I've never been in this sort of situation. But if you feel like you have to knock the shit out of your father, go for it. I've never had to deal with a cheating father, but there is a chance this will make you feel better.
My ex-best-friend once slept with my ex-girlfriend. Everyone said to leave it, to move on, and that striking out at my friend wouldn't accomplish anything. That's not true - we had a huge brawl and I ended up breaking his nose and I felt great about it. I got all my anger out and I moved on.
Again, that's probably not the best advice for this situation. But I'm pretty sure bottling this all up and running away because it somehow doesn't effect you isn't the best advice either. At least let your father know how betrayed you feel. I know your mom doesn't want you to, but if it's what you need to do, then do it.
Edited to show all the above that applied to me, too.
I guess it was slightly easier for me as a) I'd left home and only saw them twice a year and b) the affair was over by the time my dad admitted it (although many people had realised at the time).
Anyway I'd like to echo what Underdog said. I think that although your father is most certainly in the wrong, that it doesn't mean he's not a good person in other respects. People can be really, really, really stupid when it comes to relationships, no matter how old they are.
Let him know that you disapprove and that you're disappointed; if he is otherwise a decent person, that will be enough. Otherwise just stay away and allow yourself to cool down and just understand that things take time to heal.