Friends with Benefits
Nerindil
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, I'm gonna try to be as delicate about this as possible. I don't see any other threads of this nature around and it doesn't seem to be against the rules, but if this offends in any way, I am sorry, feel free to lock.
So. My ex and I broke up in February after a good 10 month run. It wasn't a good break up. I caught her cheating, shit met fan, blah blah blah. After that I didn't really see her. We happened to be in the same room together a couple of times, but interaction was minimal and rather icy.
Well, tonight, some of my friends and I were gaming out at our friendly neighborhood game store, playing some board games, when who do you suppose shows up. Well, I decide, "Fuck it," and say hey. We get to talking a bit and eventually wind up exchanging numbers ( we had both gotten new phones in the intervening period). She left.
And it was about that time I remembered how good the sex was.
In case you hadn't guessed my question by now, I'll lay it out: how would you suggest I go about becoming one of those friends with benefits. I'm really not looking to date her, we really aren't very compatible as a couple and the cheating thing is hard to overlook. I just want to sit down, like two adults and enjoy some nice, no strings attached boning.
So... Advice? Should I just call her and say "Hey, are we gonna go 20 toes or what?" or what?
So. My ex and I broke up in February after a good 10 month run. It wasn't a good break up. I caught her cheating, shit met fan, blah blah blah. After that I didn't really see her. We happened to be in the same room together a couple of times, but interaction was minimal and rather icy.
Well, tonight, some of my friends and I were gaming out at our friendly neighborhood game store, playing some board games, when who do you suppose shows up. Well, I decide, "Fuck it," and say hey. We get to talking a bit and eventually wind up exchanging numbers ( we had both gotten new phones in the intervening period). She left.
And it was about that time I remembered how good the sex was.
In case you hadn't guessed my question by now, I'll lay it out: how would you suggest I go about becoming one of those friends with benefits. I'm really not looking to date her, we really aren't very compatible as a couple and the cheating thing is hard to overlook. I just want to sit down, like two adults and enjoy some nice, no strings attached boning.
So... Advice? Should I just call her and say "Hey, are we gonna go 20 toes or what?" or what?
Nerindil on
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If you still might have feelings or she does? Don't do it.
Do you know if she's seeing anyone? Did you talk to her for more than five minutes?
Honestly I don't think it's a great idea, especially if the break-up was messy. You're almost certainly better off finding someone else if you know you don't want emotional involvement with this girl.
Also asking women straight up for no strings attached sex has no positive outcome. She'll probably say no if not slap you and think you're a scumbag forever after. And if she says yes... well do you really want to sleep with someone like that?
Think about it.
It sounds a little to me like this is exactly what you're planning on doing, and screw the consequences. On the one hand, if she says "no" you don't really care what she thinks...she's out of your life. On the other hand, if she says "yes" then, hey, awesome sex!
Unfortunately, even if she says yes, there's probably going to be a lot of problems. I think this depends on a lot of things, but the fact that you broke up implies difficulties communicating (I could be totally wrong, but that's what it is 8 times out of 10) and if one of you starts getting feelings...well, it could be a problem. And that sort of thing tends to happen.
Basically, I say if you're planning on going for it anyway, then try to be very clear and tell her that you are *not* interested in a relationship, and explain (kindly) that if she doesn't think she is ready for that, then you don't want to get involved.
This being said, I'd say that there's a 95% chance of error (like someone getting attached or getting offended). Go find a d20, roll it once. Did you roll a 20? If so, go for it, if not, you're boned (this is actual terrible advice to follow).
I think (though I've never had one) that FWB works best if the Friends part comes first, and through a rapid development of friendship, something physical grows...and then the friends talk about it, and are cool with just being FWB. Rarely does it develop (again, not that I'd know) with the Benefits part first.
You will severely regret this if you pursue it.
Actually strike that; the first thing to do is make sure you're actually sure of your own intentions.
On the off chance no-strings-attached boning is actually what you're both interested in, set boundaries that prevent you from becoming too emotionally attached.
I don't think there is much stock to be put in the "don't do it" advice, because at the end of the day, what is there to lose? But making sure you're on the same page WRT the nature of the relationship will save you a ton of grief.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
that's how relationships and people work, they evolve, sooner or later chances are that either you or her will want a more serious relationship or develop more feelings for the other
but go for it, nothing ventured nothing gained and all, just realize what you're doing, realize that it might end badly when one of you wants more
edit: although also remember that people who cheat will VERY VERY VERY VERY OFTEN continue to cheat
Good sex isn't really that hard to find. You don't want to do this to yourself. I've seen people do friends with benefits. I've tried it myself. It never ends well (despite what people might say in the first throws of it).
i was emotionally done with it, but too busy to really invest myself in finding a real relationship.
it ended because she wanted to get back together. which is most likely what one of you will do.
also, if she cheated, do keep it safe. for every dude you know about there are three you dont.
Sure, there is a very, very, very small chance that she says yes, neither of you have any past emotional attachments pop back up, you have awesome sex for a while and then you both say "Peace" and walk away unscathed.
But there is a much larger chance that it will in no way, shape or form, work out that way.
Go for it if you're willing to handle the bad consequences as well as the good. Otherwise, I wouldn't play with fire.
I couldn't have said it better.
Don't FWB someone you've already been in a relationship with. Most likely, one of you is going to wanna get back together, and why would you do that when you already broke up with her?
This is a terrible idea, and I'm speaking from experience.
I'll try to say it better.
Seriously OP...
1) You two exchange numbers... she might be looking to get back with you while you are looking for a quick nookie... This will definitely look bad especially if you still have any mutual friends between you two.
2) Worst comes to worst.. she found out she's pregnant and she don't know where the father is. If you hit that sh*t you'll quickly find yourself paying child support, lawyer's fees and other payments.
Some things just aren't worth it, if you are truly desperate go hit a bar and hook up with some random girls instead... at least you are sure to know there isn't any emotional baggage.
P.S I would recommend some sites to you on how to approach women, but it's forbidden in this forum.
Any chance you could pm me those links, Nylonathetep? Provided they are actually helpful, that is.
Remember, Kids, what you're doing is designed to make a baby. Let's not knock up someone who cheated on you and with whom you're no longer in love.
I think you've made the right choice.
If you say you really don't have those feelings for her anymore then just call her up to hang out. see where things go.
Theres the possibility that after a while she'll probably start to feel like you're just using her for sex and she'll cut you off. At least in my experience thats how it usually turns out.