Wife getting too involved with employee? (DV) [Solved]

Deadfall

This might be a bit long, apologies in advance.

My wife works at a women's shelter. Spoiler for her background:

She was sexually assaulted in college, before we started dating, and used that to fuel a passion in helping other women. She's highly motivavated and organized and was made supervisor of her shelter in less than two years. She does great work in getting women and children in abusive relationships the resources and knowledge to help themselves.

I absolutely support my wife in her career. She loves it and truly does good work. I get worried, often, as she works with some seriously dangerous people and situations. But she's smart, and is resourceful and is good at her job.

She hired a new employee....a few months ago I think? Nothing usual there, as they have a pretty high turnover rate (it's an understandably high-stress job.) This woman is gay in an abusive relationship. I don't know all of the details, because my wife is rather secretive about it. Which was fine, she's actually not supposed to discuss the details of some of her work with me. But I do know that my wife -

a)has developed a strong friendship with this woman

and

b)has a very protective instinct.

She brought up, a few weeks ago, that she was concerned about this employee of hers, that she wasn't safe, and wanted to get my approval to let her stay with us for awhile in our guest bedroom. I vehemently voiced my concern with this. I was absolutely horribly uncomfortable sheltering this abused woman. It seemed like a huge fucking conflict of interest. I equated the situation to me bringing home a student (I'm a teacher) who might be in an abusive family. You just don't do that shit in my line of work.

The matter was dropped and a few weeks pass. She continues to express her concern with this woman, and I offer many solutions, all of which are shot down. Call the police (it's apparently not safe.) Bring her to the shelter (it's a conflict of interest because she works there.) Contact another shelter (the woman refuses.)

Last night I wake up to her talking rather loudly on the phone in the living room. I obviously can't hear the whole conversation, but this is what I gleaned:

-The lady calls my wife, as a friend, very drunk.
-The lady's partner is apparently trying to prostitute her out to some man that apparently raped her a few years ago.
-My wife wanted to call the cops, but this lady apparently talked her out of it because the cops were called before and (again, this is second hand info) the cops decided it wasn't domestic violence because they were gay
-The lady was considering sleeping with this man for the money
-There is a child involved. I don't know who's it is, but it's obvious the lady feels strongly for the child
-The lady wants to take the child to fucking Costa Rica and disappear and is asking my wife for advice

Thankfully, my wife has a level head and does everything she can to calmly talk her out of this. She stated that it was a horrible fucking idea and that it was a federal crime, and that she'd absolutley comply with the authorities if this lady kidnapped this kid. But what th fuck did she just get involved with?

I am absolutely wracked with worry right now. This lady's abusive partner apparently has a connected family and has been violent in the past. What if they come looking for my wife for helping her? What if this lady actually flees from the country with this kid? Am I freaking out over nothing? Do I voice my concerns with the police? This isn't exactly my area of expertise.

DoraB

You said your wife was "made supervisor". That implies there is someone there higher in authority than she is. I would advise your wife to contact this other person and turn the situation over. She may feel like she is responsible for her friend or betraying her trust, but at this point, her friend's safety and this kid's safety should be more important. It sounds like she's in way over her head, and considering how close she is with this woman, she might not be thinking as clearly as she should be about the whole situation. I know your wife is a kind and intelligent person, but she can't let her heart rule her head in this situation; if she isn't comfortable calling the police herself, then as a professional she should turn this situation over to someone else. After all, what's worse... her friend being mad at her, or her friend being dead?

Also, just so we're considering all the angles here... is there any possibility this friend is just making everything up? You say you don't know all the details, so it's a possibility that this woman is just feeding off of your wife's attention. Maybe she's just lonely and disturbed, maybe she's making up these lies when she's drunk, maybe she has a drug problem, whatever. Your wife is clearly a caring person, and there is a chance that this woman is taking advantage of that, whether because she enjoys the attention or whatever. I'm not saying she hasn't gone through some horrible stuff, or that she's definitely lying, I'm just saying nobody here has all the facts and we need to be sure. Admittedly crazy things do happen every day in the world, and I'm probably lucky enough that I've never had it happen to me, but this lady's story sounds like a Lifetime Channel original movie.

Whatever the case, having a child involved definitely necessitates your wife take steps to make sure that child is safe, and that's not what's going on now. It seems to me that the worst case scenario of getting someone else involved and it turning out not to be true is that your wife finds out sooner rather than later this woman is an emotional vampire and a compulsive liar. I think you were definitely right not to invite this woman into your home; it may sound unkind, but you do have to consider the safety of you and your wife first, and whatever is going on here is not something you want to jump into the deep end of the pool with.

Kobi Kobi Koo

Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Deadfall?

Hevach

You say your wife works in a women's shelter... Chances are this isn't entirely an unfamiliar situation to her. She's probably helped women before who were in bad situations, even ones involving a history of violence or danger to children. She's also probably helped people who are reluctant to seek help for the same reasons.

You don't have all the facts to give us, but to be honest, I don't think the facts are needed to decide what should be done. The first thing I think your wife has to do is set aside everything about this woman and handle it professionally. She's not a friend, she's not an employee, she's a woman in trouble who needs help, and your wife is part of a system to give her that help.

Part of that might mean that conflict of interest rules will say your wife can't be the one to help her (and I should think certainly can't give her shelter in her own home). I understand she doesn't want to abandon her friend, but she's also in a good position on that matter anyway, since she can basically pick who she hands the case over to, right now the victim's not "in" the system, your wife can pick somebody she trusts to do the right things and tell them what she knows and ask them to take action.

Deadfall

You said your wife was "made supervisor". That implies there is someone there higher in authority than she is. I would advise your wife to contact this other person and turn the situation over.

This is correct. I actually just got a message from my wife, after expressing my concern, that she is disclosing this with the HR department and her immediate supervisor.

Also, just so we're considering all the angles here... is there any possibility this friend is just making everything up?

I had considered this. Like I said I'm a teacher, so I'm a natural cynic and always trying to sort through the bullshit. It's definately a possibility, and you're right, she deals with this sort of thing on a daily basis. I'm going to have to, however, trust my wife's instinct and judgment with this one before I get more details.

but this lady's story sounds like a Lifetime Channel original movie.

Again, I agree, and many red flags popped up in my head last night. But again, before I get more details I'm going to again have to trust my wife's judgment.

I think you were definitely right not to invite this woman into your home; it may sound unkind, but you do have to consider the safety of you and your wife first, and whatever is going on here is not something you want to jump into the deep end of the pool with.

Thank you, I kind of just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a dick about this particular scenario.

Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Deadfall?

what

You say your wife works in a women's shelter... Chances are this isn't entirely an unfamiliar situation to her. She's probably helped women before who were in bad situations, even ones involving a history of violence or danger to children. She's also probably helped people who are reluctant to seek help for the same reasons.

This is very true, and like I said, my wife is extremely passionate and good at her job. However, she's no longer an advocate, is not a therapist or social worker, and she hires trained professionals to deal with problems exactly like this. Like, there's a whole extensive network. And if her shelter can't help her, my wife is exceedingly good at finding someone who can. Which is why I'm worried she's taking such an emotional investment in this.

She's not a friend, she's not an employee, she's a woman in trouble who needs help, and your wife is part of a system to give her that help.

Again, agreed, and things like this are easy for me to see. I usually try to look at things logically, identify problems, and steps to solve said problems. But sometimes my wife brings work home and gets invested in these things. That's what worries me.

your wife can pick somebody she trusts to do the right things and tell them what she knows and ask them to take action.

From the last message I received, it seems that she's taking a step in this direction. When I get home I'll try to bring this up.

Thank you for the responses.

WildEEP

Kobi Kobi Koo wrote: »

Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Deadfall?

Part of me thinks the followup to this is gonna involve a woodchipper . . .

For sane advice, I'd first caution you to take a deep breath and have a large glass of understanding.

Womens shelters are rough places, there isn't a good story for anyone having to be there, and while they do amazing work - its perma-sad.
While this story may sound completely off the wall to you, the folks I know in that industry would tell you that your story sounds a lot like "Tuesdays" to them. It happens like this all the time - bad situations, worse situations, and even more worsebad situations.

You're right to keep the friend out of your home - its akin to bringing your work home and having it impact your loved ones - which causes all kinds of stress and conflict. Not to mention the batshit insane scenarios you'd be signing up for.

Its good that shes referring this to upper management and HR. She knows how to deal with abused people and you should just keep reminding her that as much as she is a co-worker and a friend, she is now a client/customer/victim the same as anyone else who'd come walking thru her doors.
That means she knows the processes and the limits of how much she can help - reminder to to follow what she knows...its her job, and it sounds like shes good at it.

Improvolone

Her asking if she could stay with you guys sounds like it may have been a momentary lapse in judgement brought on my the ridiculous nature and stress of this situation.

bowen

You should not be sheltering battered women in your own home, employee or otherwise. Whilst the situation is unfortunate, there are channels set up for her to seek help. The police, the shelter itself, etc.

The fact that your wife was talked out of calling the police is a huge problem, and she should definitely clear her mind about this being a friend. It's tough to do, but it needs to be done. If she is unwilling to take the help she is offered then, well, that's that. There's not really much more you can do. Glad to see your wife is moving it up the chain of command.

Deadfall

Right then. So, discussed it with my wife with a bit more clear head. It didn't help just stewing at work thinking about the situation yesterday, which was what was causing me such stress.

She is in fact moving it along the chain of command. I didn't bring up my questioning the validity of the situation, as I figured since my wife was passing the info along and was already invested in this, I shouldn't rock that particular boat. I expressed my concern that she was getting involved in something over her head and that she should take a step back and let her program take care of it. She seemed to agree.

Womens shelters are rough places, there isn't a good story for anyone having to be there, and while they do amazing work - its perma-sad.
While this story may sound completely off the wall to you, the folks I know in that industry would tell you that your story sounds a lot like "Tuesdays" to them. It happens like this all the time - bad situations, worse situations, and even more worsebad situations.

This is true. There is no way I could do the work she does, but she's very passionate about it which is why she's so good at it. Sometimes she takes things to heart and gets wrapped up in it, but this is the first time she's gone so far with it. Probably because it's an employee that she knows. I don't know.

I just needed an outside perspective to take a look at this from a neutral angle. Thank you for the responses. Relatively solved.