I just don't know...

Bourne

I'm a 22 year old male with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression and anxiety. I also have a 3 month old daughter who I love more than anything. I haven't worked since early december when I went into the hospital for a 7 day stay on the psych-unit. I haven't seen my daughter since Christmas, because I'm too afraid to leave the house. My relationship with my daughter's Mother is in the toilet, and I'm afraid that after everything I've done to her there is no hope for us at all. I lost my apartment, because I can't work, and am barely scraping enough money together to pay for gas to the doctors, and for my meds let alone be any type of support for my daughter financially. I'm taking two different types of anti-psychotics, an anti-depressent, and a sleep aid, and I still am hearing voices, and only sleeping a maximum of 3 hours a night because of the voices. Nothing seems like it is enough to help me. I'm so over feeling like this. I just want my sanity back...

I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I know everyone will say I need to tell my doctor all of this, but I have and her response is always more medication.

I just want to be the Dad I know I can be, and get these God Damned voices out of my head.

Improvolone

Your daughter needs a father who has a bit of control in his life. Having limited contact with her for the first couple years or so won't permanently damage your relationship with her.

Bourne

I know that I need to fix myself before I can be any type of help to my daughter. It's just that not being with her all the time, and not being the Father I see everyone else being is like a knife in my back that gets turned a little bit more everytime I think about her. I really can't get over the feeling that I've compeltely failed her.

ceres

I don't have any sage advice. I've known people with this and various other psychiatric disorders that affect their ability to function. It sounds like you're seeing your doctor and taking your medication and doing everything right, so the only thing I can do is offer a word of support and tell you that as long as you're doing your best, hopefully when things are better she and her mother will try to understand that.

EggyToast

Have you considered filing for disability? If you have documented problems, you should seriously consider it.

I think being a good father for your daughter is a good idea, and noble for you to pursue, but you need to get yourself in a stable situation before you can help her (or anyone else) out. Most kids don't remember anything during the first couple years of their life, other than "good" or "bad," so it's better to put effort into helping yourself and reminding yourself that she's out there and that you have someone who will want to know about you when they get older.

Bourne

I have considered getting disability, and my therapist at the CMH is getting all of the necessary paper work together for me so I can be sure that it's filed properly. I also should get it fairly easily (so my therapist says) because of a physical condition I also have known as Nail Patella Syndrome.

Improvolone

Bourne wrote: »

I know that I need to fix myself before I can be any type of help to my daughter. It's just that not being with her all the time, and not being the Father I see everyone else being is like a knife in my back that gets turned a little bit more everytime I think about her. I really can't get over the feeling that I've compeltely failed her.

You might have more clinical problems than most, but I assure you that the vast VAST majority of parents feel like they are not being the parent they can/want to be and think that everyone else they see has their shit together.
You haven't failed her. You haven't done anything wrong.

Disco11

As bad as it sounds, not being around her while you are going through the problems you are describing is probably a good thing. You are taking the steps you need to get your life to a place where you can be the father she needs. Good luck and stay strong!

Bourne

Thanks for the kind replies. It just feels like I have all the dots in front of me, and can't connect them all. It's frustrating.

Bourne

So I went to my therapist yesterday, and brought some hospital bills with me. I brought them because I was told that my CMH was covering my stay through a state program that gave free help to patients with psychiatric ilnesses. Her response was "I don't know why hospitals tell patients that its a myth."

So basically I've already gotten a bill from the ambulance company for $837, one from the ER for $3048, and am pending a bill from the hospital where I actually stayed for 7 days. I looked through all the paperwork I was given, and can't find anything in writing (I requested all of my records for my files if something like this happened). I feel really lied to, and was wondering if there was any recourse of action I could take.

Thanatos

Bourne wrote: »

So I went to my therapist yesterday, and brought some hospital bills with me. I brought them because I was told that my CMH was covering my stay through a state program that gave free help to patients with psychiatric ilnesses. Her response was "I don't know why hospitals tell patients that its a myth."

So basically I've already gotten a bill from the ambulance company for $837, one from the ER for $3048, and am pending a bill from the hospital where I actually stayed for 7 days. I looked through all the paperwork I was given, and can't find anything in writing (I requested all of my records for my files if something like this happened). I feel really lied to, and was wondering if there was any recourse of action I could take.

"Not paying them" is a great recourse in this case.

Call up and talk to the person in charge of billing, be nice, and see if you can get them to just write it off without a hit to your credit. Explain what they told you about the CMH program.

ceres

Also, there is often paperwork you can fill out (and your therapist can probably help you with this if needed) that will absolve you of responsibility for the balance. If your financial situation is bad enough, you should be able to do this.

Bourne

I'll have to look into the paperwork you were talking about. I wish telling them myself would be evidence enough, but we're dealing a local government organization funded by state dollars. Word of mouth is usually not anywhere near enough to get the cogs turning in your direction unfortunately.

Ringo

First, find out how Michigan goes about hooking disabled people up with a social worker/case manager, then go see one. They deal with things like your doctors bills all the time and should be able to at least point you in the right direction. If your therapist is helping with paperwork that's great, but it's really not her job - she might miss something.

Second, applying for disability and actually getting it are two seperate things. While your problems obviously qualify, expect to be denied out of hand, and for the whole process to take one to three years. It doesn't always happen that way, but in your mental state it's better to expect the worst and not get ambushed by the system not working for you. Anything quicker should be a pleasant surprise. The nice thing about disability is you'll get a big chunk of change in backpay from the time you applied to the time you were accepted. So just be patient and hang in there!

Third, don't give up. Don't attempt suicide. I've done it, it's not worth it. You think your brain is broken now? It gets worse if you commit yourself to ending your life. Life is gonna suck, and be brutal and hard. Sometimes the pain will be unbearable. All you need to do is manage it until it lessens. Your social worker and therapist want to help with that. Get them to get you hooked up with a local Disability Clubhouse where people go to hang out and everyone understands what you're going through. There are perfect moments in this life where you will experience joy, even if only for a moment, at a level you did not think possible. Don't give up on those moments, no matter what happens.

ceres

It really sounds like you're doing everything you can to keep yourself and your daughter healthy and safe. I truly admire that you have it in you to keep it together to do what you need to do. This is a selfless thing you are doing, and a lot of people wouldn't have the stones. I think the fact that you recognize the problem and are taking the measures you need to, even though they mean separation for a while, makes you a great dad, and you shouldn't doubt that.

Bourne

Yeah actually now that you mention it a case worker is a better idea. Woo-hoo more appointments. But yeah I need to get that straightened out.

Thank you I'm in hyper focus mode trying to get better. I'm in therapy three times a week with two separate therapists, and a weekly group for schizo disorder. I always wonder if an Edward Norton type character is in it.

My daughters baptism is this weekend. I want to go, but I have a feeling I'll end up standing in the back of the church to have a quick get away should I get overwhelmed. =/

ceres

Perfectly acceptable. Heck, I'm easily overwhelmed and I do that sort of thing all the time.

Improvolone

That would probably be a very nice thing to see. If you decide to go, good luck.

Ringo

Go to the baptism. Missing out on events by staying home only makes you feel worse

Bourne

I'm definitely going to go. I just question if I'll be able to stand in front of a congregation of a couple hundred people. Which sucks, because my sisters are the god-mothers. I just can't see myself not suddenly having a panic attack and passing out in front of everyone.

Bourne

I went today and actually stood in front of the congregation at my families urgings. It was nice though. Held her after she was baptized and couldn't have been happier about it.

Ringo

Congrats!

ceres

Congratulations, that's huge.