Afraid to fight people

TwoQuestions

For some reason, I've discovered that I'm terrified of fighting actual people, like in armored combat or something similar. I'm not afraid of getting hurt or anything, as the safety requirements are quite strict and the most common injuries by far are dehydration/heat related.

I thought as I fought more and more I'd get over this fear, but it seems to follow me even in my interactions with other people. Even verbal fights scare me, and not because I'm afraid they'd hit me. In fact I'd almost wish they did, because it hurts much less to be hit than to be yelled at.

I know some people thrive on argument and opposing others, so I know my fear isn't really normal.

tl;dr, I'm afraid of opposing other people for some reason.

Fantasma

Not everyone can be a Samurai. There is no need to yell when someone is yelling at you, if you can control yourself and be a true warrior, you can use that to even win a fight. Logic, self control and cold blood can do just fine.

I normally look at people in the eyes when they are yelling at me, always ready to defend myself and processing all the stupid stuff coming out of their mouth to use that against them.

Ruckus

Obligatory "I am not a Doctor"

Fight or Flight is the natural human response to threatening or stressful situations. Most people assess the situation and decide which option will result in the most favorable outcome. Some people default to "Fight" no matter what the situation is, even if the possibility of a favorable outcome is nil. You would appear to be at the opposite end of the scale, defaulting to "Flight" regardless of potential outcome. This could be due to purely psychological reasons or it could be due to a chemical imbalance of some sort.

Unfortunately, our society requires a certain amount of "Fight". Constantly running away from every challenging or stressful situation is simply not an options. I'd recommend speaking to a counselor or psychologist if you have those resources available to you (perhaps through an employee benefits package or insurance. Even if they can't help you directly, they do have the resources to refer you to someone who likely can.

brain operator

Do you experience similar emotions when competing in sports or games?

TwoQuestions

Yes, for some reason I do, only when fighting solo, though. When I'm fighting in a team fight or bigger battle, I'm concentrating too much on staying in line and protecting the spears/polearms to be afraid.

EDIT: I only become afraid when I'm alone. Even if it's only two people with me and we're against 200, I'm fine. Very strange.

brain operator

I actually meant in non-aggressive/violent competition. ;-) Would you feel bad when beating someone at a boardgame for instance, or tennis or something like that? Is violence (even if only vocal, or the threat thereof) an intrinsical part of the issue, or is more about dominance being asserted?

Vortigern

Spend more time in front of the pells. What type of group do you hang out with for fighting? Squired? That can make a difference in overcoming combat fears. What single style weapons do you use? If you're using taped rattan (ie sword n board), maybe try switching to a mace or axe, something with foam in it. Could be you're not keen on the hits from rattan, but the addition of foam may let you focus on the game aspect more than the fight aspect.

Also, since you liked and referenced sca heavy fighting, what type of helm are you wearing? Open/closed face styles can have an effect on your headspace.

I was a squire and marshall in the sca in Ontario for a long time. I don't actively play anymore, but I had some similar issues in the very beginning. Supportive friends to practice with at the start can be a big help.

Aurora Borealis

Aw, crap I had a longer response but my stupid computer ate it..

SCA combat eh? Awesome. You already answered my first question, which was if you were just fighting tourneys or if you'd tried your hand at wars. I know several people who prefer/will only fight one or the other, as they do require a significantly different psychological outlook. It's one thing to go head to head. It's another to fight a big group, but with all of your buddies around backing you up.

It makes it harder to progress since you don't get the big exposure of winning crowns, but I do know of the occasional knight who almost never fights in tourneys, just at wars. The tactics and the challenges of fighting in large groups is just more where it's at for them. There's no shame in that.

My next thought was about the group you're fighting with at practice. Some baronies are much more macho competitive than others and it can make for a very different fighting experience. The best ones treat practice as very much a teaching environment, where it's all about having fun and learning new things even/especially when you lose. Others are very much all about who has the bigger stick. If you think part of the problem is the individuals you play with, why not try the next barony over? Does it make a difference if the confrontation is someone you know and respect, versus a total stranger? Might be worth finding out.

In any case I feel it is well worth it to keep fighting and working at this. I used to be a detrimentally non-confrontational person (I still will often leave the room when other people start to argue), but taking a martial arts class in highschool helped me a lot.

One last thought.. part of my problem, (at least when it came to physical confrontations) turned out to be that because I am blind in one eye, I am extremely protective against blows to the face. But get me some eye protection and BOOM! Crazy aggressive! I never knew I had it in me, but I did. Eventually I learned to feel that confidence without the eye protection, and it was amazing. You might think about if there is something physical you are protecting, might help you bridge that gap.

SammyF

My honest to God advice? Try humming.

Seriously. I would hum all the time during sparring practice in martial arts. No particular tune, just whatever came into my head, I'd vocalize by humming. It helped for two key reasons: first, it made it easier to focus on the task at hand. Between the humming and the sparring, my mind was absorbed enough that it wouldn't wander off or start worrying over things. Second off, and most importantly, it reminded me not to take the fight too seriously. I took it seriously enough that I wanted to perform well, land more hits and score more points; but the fact that I was humming a happy little diddy reminded me that it was a friendly fight, I wasn't going to injure my opponent, he wasn't going to injure me, and when all was said and done, we'd still be friends.

A bonus third benefit is that I'm told that it's super-disconcerting to have your legs kicked out from under you by someone humming the opening bars of "The Sound of Music."

acidlacedpenguin

Have you considered taking lessons in a more structured martial art like judo or tai chi? I don't intend to insult your chosen form of combat sports by implying that traditional martial arts are somehow better or anything like that, especially where I don't know much about it.

Anyway, from my own experience with Judo there was as much an emphasis on training your mind and body to be ready for confrontation as there was on the forms/styles/moves of the art. You say you're not afraid to get hit so clearly you have the fortitude for combat but I think you might be getting caught up in questioning yourself or your own ability like, "Do I swing high or low next?" "What if my opponent does this?" "will this move work?" etc. You might not even be doing that consciously, but the discipline you would get from a good instructor will train that sort of behavior away.

An additional benefit of judo is that when you practice in pairs you spend about 50% of the time getting knocked off your feet which can help with training your mind not to panic when shit's about to go down.

RocketSauce

Fighting one-on-one brings out a lot of pressure. Perhaps your fear isn't a fear of fighting, but a fear of failure?

Sarcastro

Edit: Item withdrawn as the OP is practicing without intent.

TwoQuestions

Now this is strange, now that I think on it.

For some reason, I'm more afraid that the person I'm talking to will just freak out and start beating the crap out of me, even though I know they're incapable of causing me serious harm outside of a lucky shot.

brain operator, this only surfaces during a fight of some sort, either verbal or physical one-on-one. Chess/tennis doesn't trigger this response. I probably should see someone about this, now that I can articulate what's wrong.

Thanks guys!

Sarcastro

There is a substantial difference between competition and pointed aggression. In a game, one is more or less there to practice and learn, being beaten is a positive opportunity to grow. In serious conflict there are real gains and losses.

Of course you're not going to be afraid when there is nothing at stake. There is no actual risk there.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

You're supposed to be scared of fighting. Normal, well adjusted people are scared of getting in fights because being in a fight fucking sucks.

That being said, it seems like you are having trouble separating an actual fight from the game of sparring. I haven't done any sca or similar stuff, but it's an issue some people go through in martial arts. The only real cure for this is repetition; you need to get your brain/body used to processing lots of the feelings involved in being in combat while understanding that you aren't actually at risk (well, minimal risk, anyway) of getting your head taken off. Assuming your fear doesn't rise to debilitating levels, just stick your nose in there and get hit until you feel more comfortable.

If you are feeling the same anxiety in social situations that don't involve physical confrontation, it might be time to address that outside the context of combat sports.