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Triple B
Bastard of the NorthMARegistered User regular
Bastard of the NorthMARegistered User regular
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My grandfather passed away on December 26, 2008 and I still feel a little guilty for that. It's just something that takes time.
Don't blame yourself. Thing happen, and you had no idea she was going to pass away that quickly. I'm sure she loves you just the same. It's hard to deal with, but it gets easier, believe me.
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For years I regretted not talking to him, I suppose in some way being 10 I knew but didn't fully comprehend the situation. I certainly didn't know that he was so ill.
Time and an examination of your relationship will cure this. Years later I realize how much I meant to him and how much he meant to me. As much as I would like to have the memory of talking to him for the last time, I don't think that is how he would like me to remember him.
If you're so broken up about this close family friend then you clearly have strong feelings for them, it's very rare for those feelings not to be reciprocated. She loved you and knew that you loved her. Take comfort in that knowledge and also that I don't think anyone wants to be remembered as they were in their last moments, but in the moments they shared with you.
During the week I was at home, I had a lot of time to think about the fact that I hadn't visited my grandparents for over a year at the time of her death. I had a lot of guilt about that. I mean, it's only a two hour drive. Surely I could have driven up some weekend just to visit for a bit.
The thing is, it wouldn't have mattered. Even if I had visited the day before her death and talked to her, I still wouldn't have felt any better about her dying. I still would have been just as devastated. I still would have found something to feel guilty about (maybe if I'd been around an extra hour she wouldn't have gotten in the accident or something).
Someone you cared for died. You feel like you didn't get enough time with them. It's true. It sucks. It hurts.
I know it sounds dumb and generic, but it's true. Time will heal the wound. Hang in there. Be with family and share your hurt.
And take the lesson learned: you never know how long you have with someone. Next time, if there is a next time, go talk to the person.
This is where it's at. You'll eventually figure out a way to deal with it, mentally and emotionally. So soon after the event you can't help but feel like you do. Even if you had taken the time to go see her, you'd probably still be thinking you could have done more.
I watched my dad die of throat cancer and barely lifted a finger, even though I was living with him at the time. If I hadn't been the one to be with him when he died, I'd probably be hating myself for the rest of my life. It still took a long while to get over it, but I did.
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For a second I thought you did something unspeakable (like what I did... a few times) but everyone has been in your shoes in regards to not visiting/ paying more attention to people while they still have the chance.
For the rest of you out there reading this. This is a reminder that people that you cared about aren't going to be around forever and you should not take them for granted...
I was very, very close to my first dad, I was a real daddy's girl. My mum didn't tell me he was dying, she couldn't bear to - she was told on the Wednesday, I was told on the Thursday: he died on the Friday. He was operated on on the Wednesday, and never regained conciousness. he died on his own, in hospital. I didn't have the chance to tell him I loved him. I didn't get the chance to be with him.
My second dad married my mum 27 years ago, I slowly got to know him; he was a good bloke. We found out he had colon cancer 3 years before he died. I went to every hospital appointment with my parents, every scan, every bout of chemo, I didn't miss one, even making a 2.5 hour journey from a weekend away with LewieP's Daddy just to be there with them. I sorted his funeral out with him before he died, we talked about everything. In the last 2 weeks of his life, I moved in to help nurse him, as he wanted to die at home. Every time I left his room, I reminded him I loved him, I was with him when he died.
So what? I STILL FELT GUILTY.
My head was full of if onlys.
If only I had told the consultant sooner that my second dad was having symptoms again;
if only I had spent more time talking to him;
if only I had prayed with him;
if only God would have healed him;
if only ...
With my first dad, my if onlys were:
if only I had been a good girl (!)
if only I had visited him more (I was going every lunch break from school, and on my way home, as well as every evening)
if only I had listened to him more
if only I had spent time with him instead of my friends
I was 13, yet I still felt guilt.
Second time round, I was determined to get it right, yet I still felt guilt.
I've had to forgive myself, forgive my dads (after all, they both died and left me alone), make peace with myself. That's what you have to do, now, and learn from this. Don't make that mistake again, be determined to get it more right next time. Its hard going to see someone you love who is dying, its hard to know what to say, how to behave, what to do. Whatever you do/say/behave, the key thing is to be there. it doesn't matter if you don't know what to say, just being there, or talking, or writing, or emailing matters, much more than "getting it right".
One of my friends had breast cancer, first thing I said to her was that it was a silly goose (insert your favourite angry expletive here) to invade her body. She agreed. It went and killed her later, but we talked about it before it did. I don't know if that was the right thing to say at all, but I didn't know what to say.
You can't undo your inaction, so stop beating yourself up about it. Do what you can for the living, instead - your family, her family, your friends. Tell people you love them.
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"The power of the weirdness compels me."
The morning after my mum's fathers death two years ago, this was on the History channel. I watched the whole thing, but this stuck out in my mind and was a huge comfort and spirit lifter to me. Start at 5:40.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkHBoCzNo70&NR=1&feature=fvwp
I know it's a long shot, but these forums are rather nerd-adjacent so I hope it helps in some way. I helped me more than I can express, it helped me put all my feelings into a cogent thought and help me heal.
My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few years back. She was hospitalized for several weeks but I never went to see her despite being told by my father that when he would go visit her she'd ask if I was coming to see her. Part of me didn't want to see her in that condition.
Well, one day I decided that I was gonna go see her but my girlfriend at the time wanted to go bowling that night so I put it off and told myself that I would go to the hospital early next morning. At 3am I got a knock on my door and it was my dad. He was crying and I knew that I had missed my chance. I felt horrible and selfish and I have regretted it ever since. There really isn't any advice that I can give that will make you stop regretting it. I mourned her like everybody else and I took it pretty hard because of what I felt I had done (or not done). All I could do was to tell myself that I wouldn't let something like that happen again.
Which brings me to a couple months ago. Now my grandfather was hospitalized because of a lung infection that took a turn for the worse. Doctors weren't very hopeful and it was only a matter of time before he passed on. I took every opportunity to spend time with him and on the last day of his life I was there. We spoke about music (we are both musicians) and I could tell that he was proud of me. He kept slipping in and out of sleep for the rest of the day until eventually he didn't wake up. At that moment I felt like I had made amends for what I had done. It'll never take away the regret I have for not seeing my grandma but I find it easier to live with now.
I did not take it.
I hadn't seen him in a year and we were going to go see him because it didn't sound good. I backed out because I didn't know if I could handle it. He passed away a couple of days later. Do I regret it? I don't know...I don't think I feel one way or the other about it. It was a choice I made and I can't take it back, though I'm not sure I would. If he was at all lucid during the last few days of his life, I'm sure he would have wanted to see me. My brother was there to take care of him, I could have been there, too.
But death isn't Hollywood. There's no dramatic final moment where you pour your heart out to your loved one and they pass away right after. I've ditched calls from my dad, even though I knew he was sick, because I didn't think he was going to die suddenly (he didn't, for the record). Plus, he was my dad. We knew we loved each other. If this woman knew you loved her - and if you did, I'm sure she knew - then that's what counts.
I've never seen this kind of outpouring of humanity on PA before (maybe I just don't look in the right places). I can't tell you all how moved I am by your words.
I don't even know what to say to all this. I'm typically such a grinch about asking for advice or help, because I usually feel like nothing people can say will make a difference. Every one of you has proved me wrong. From JM posting the Star Wars video (which actually made me feel a lot better
Honestly, I wish I knew even one person IRL like the people I speak with on PA.:^:
This actually helped me a lot right now
Thanks