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Is a dog too much to ask?
QuirkyQueue
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I want a baby. I decided this a while ago and I told my fiancé about it. His response was that we should get s cat instead. We talked and he presented a valid argument. In the end we decided to get a dog but now he says that a cat is better since we only have a three bedroom apartment. So my question is this.... Is that right? Haven't I already sacrificed enough? Shouldn't I just be allowed to get my dog? Or am I being unreasonable? Any advice is welcome.
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However, if you want my opinion, I personally think if you will be getting a pet, I think a dog is a better choice.
If it's the first, then no, I don't think it matters what kind of animal you get. You could always get another animal when circumstances change, or just have a baby. If it's the second, then you might want to push harder to get the kind of animal you want, since that is effectively your baby-substitute.
That said, I would ask why you want a baby. If the reasons can be adequately fulfilled by getting a dog or even a cat, then I would suggest re-examining the idea of having kids at this juncture. Animals are only a 10-20 year commitment to something that can actually sort of take care of itself to some extent. Children are a whole different matter.
Also, if he doesn't want a dog you can't make him agree to get one. This goes for a baby too. And the idea of getting a dog because you want a baby is really childish. You probably shouldn't be having either right now. A living creature isn't a commodity you bargain over.
So is a baby ever on the table with him and if not, is that a deal breaker for you?
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If anything, understanding that these are truths about dog ownership vrs. cat ownership are very helpful in deciding which kind of pet to get.
If you check through some of the other pet related threads we've had here this week, you'll see posts from a lot of people who have dogs living with them in apartments, and what that is like, and how it has worked out for them.
Obviously, a cat would also work, they require considerably less deliberate attention in order to get them exercise (you can't get your pit bull his daily exercise with a laser pointer, whereas you may be able to do just that with a cat).
As far as the baby goes, I don't know how old you are. If you are under 25, waiting on the kid might not be such a bad idea. On the other hand, if you are 30, and your fiance is saying no to a kid, then you must reevaluate this relationship.
Also, I took from your post that your fiance said no to having a kid now. This is very different from saying that he does not desire to have children ever.
If he is certain that he doesn't ever want to have kids, and you know that you do... walk away now.
If he's just saying "not yet" then that's not unreasonable, unless as I said, your window for child-bearing is getting to the end, in which case yeah you really need to talk.
Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs. But I wouldn't keep a dog in a small apartment, dogs need a yard to run around in.
Dogs are not babies, is what I'm getting at here. Get the right thing for your situation; trying to put one thing in the place of another is just going to get very fucked up.
3 bedroom apartment is fucking huge.
There is a massive difference between getting a pet and treating it like it is your literal offspring, and getting a pet to "fill the hole" in your life that is filled only by being responsible for and taking care of another living thing.
People have been getting pets instead of having a baby for a really long time. I don't think the people or pets are particularly damaged by this.
Don't forget that getting a dog might silence the baby clock for a few years, but once you have a baby you'll also have a dog to take care of. A cat does seem like a more sensible low-maintenance option. I'm assuming cats are more low maintenance because they don't need to be taken for a walk, use the bathroom in one place, and are generally not liable to keep you awake with barking. Although, a tail in the face while you sleep might be an issue. ;-)
It might just be a personal thing, but I find the 'ohhh lookit my babieeeeees' approach to animal care a little bit squicky. And I've heard more than a few dog trainers say that treating dogs like people can fuck them up, because they are dogs and not people. 'Damaging' is subjective, but perhaps you're right in the limited harm aspect.
As for the 'hole' I wouldn't know, never really had that compulsion. If you have, I bow to your expertise. If that's really all it is, just a basic drive to care and nurture something dependent and subservient, then an animal might be alright. I suspect its more though.
Now I have a large dog who I have had for 13 years and I have treated her like a toddler the whole time I think. She is great for companionship and the feeling of taking care of someone. Even though for just a dog I have had to make lifestyle sacrifices in order to have her around. I can at least leave her alone for a day but longer trips are a no go without troubling someone to take care of her. And she is at that point now where she doesn't have much longer. So in a weird way be ready to experience the life and death of very loved friend if you get a dog/cat in a rather short time.
And the bottom line is both of these are lives. Living creatures that feel pleasure, affection and pain. You don't just say you want one cause it would be nice to have. Great responsibility for years.
I agree with everything in here entirely. Assuming we're understanding the situation correctly - if the pet is just a temporary thing and a future child is agreed upon, then we're both off base and I'm sorry.
Now, as for the animal situation, the apartment is a valid point. How many square feet are we talking? Outdoor access? Time for walking? A lot of people in apartments gravitate to small breeds, but a lot of them (not all, granted - bichon and pugs do well with limited living space, but a chihuahua or Jack Russel won't) are the breeds that need the most space, since they're bred to be tireless and hyper. Some of the best apartment dogs are actually big heavy working breeds bred to be slow and sprinters that tire in a few minutes of running and are done for the day. No matter how big the apartment and how well they adjust to it, a dane or mastiff, even a greyhound can be a lot of dog to share space with.
Now, a cat, well, there's plenty of reason to prefer a dog over a cat, even in an apartment. I have a cat and some days I wish I'd adopted that great dane I'd fallen in love with at the shelter instead of rescuing Loki out of a trash can. But in an apartment, a cat's an easy decision with no real limits on your options. a dog is a difficult one with lots of problems to consider.
Cats are kinda neat, do you want a car?
Kids are awesome and take a metric fuck ton more time and money than either of the above.
The desire to take care of something else is pretty basic.
Having played "put the baby to bed" with my niece, which consists of repetitively tucking her dolls down for a nap in a little sleeping bag, pulling it out, then doing it with a different doll... over and over again, forever until you go insane and tell her to switch games please because uncle is losing it, I am pretty sure it's just a thing people feel (although not all people, of course).
You just need to decide what responsibility level is right for you. For my niece, dolls are good. I wanted a dog. Some people have children.
If you must have a pet, a cat would be a better choice for an apartment.
Cat's can take a hint when you don't want them anymore. Just stop feeding them or touching them for some time and they just runaway and never come back. Cats are like drifters. They are not like dogs that will loyally stay beside your dead corpse until they starve to death.
You two really need to sit down and talk out what the future holds for you regarding kids if you can't even agree on a pet. And I don't get the "sacrifice" that you're making here.
Now I'm not exactly a big fan of cats, but this piece of advice just strikes me as kind of terrible.
This may just be semantics, but since you are engaged, it wouldn't just be your dog or cat or baby for matter; it would be both of yours. Part of sharing your life with someone includes not being able to make decisions like this independently and you need to change your mind set. Also, be patient with him. If he didn't want a pet or a baby, you need to give him time to think it through first and to also understand how and why it is important to you.
Nobody owes you anything, not a baby, not a dog, not a cat, not a car, not jewelry - not a god damn thing
I agree that at the very least some in-depth conversation with your fiancé is a must, and some premarital counseling would probably do a world of good. Make sure that your baby- and animal-related goals line up with your future husband now and you and your future children will be spared the agony of nasty fighting and possibly divorce
But instead of focusing on wanting a dog as a form of compensation, you might want to consider whether your goals and preferences are compatible with your fiancé on a broader scale. If your ideal life involves a home busy with children and pets, and his doesn't, maybe you should at the very least postpone marriage until you're sure you can lead a satisfying life with this person (or else realize you'd be happier with someone else, as it may be).
Then they got married, bought a house and another dog, and had a kid.
Just tell him that you want a dog. There are plenty of cute, little, low maintenance dogs out there.
It might have worked fine for them but imagine how the people felt on the balcony below.
You have some relationship stuff to work out before you complicate matters with a dependant lifeform.
Between extrapolating severe relationship issues because the man doesn't want a baby yet to assuming the OP is some kind of neurotic prima donna because she wants a cute dog, I have not seen a lot of good answers to the actual question at hand.
I second the bolded.
High energy dog in a 1 bedroom condo here. We go on lots of walks and take advantage of local parks for full on exercise.
People with yards can become complacent and think their dog gets enough exercise and stimulation in their backyard, which is just wrong. A dog will become bored trying to entertain itself in the same confined space and the owners grow less likely to interact with the dog when they can just "let it out back."
To Slider, letting a dog shit on your balcony is just filthy, lazy and impractical, and should never be used as an argument in favor of keeping a dog in a small apartment.
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This is why people are telling you that you sound a little bit immature. The answer, quite simply, is "no, you don't deserve a dog." Whether or not you'll get a dog based on your conversation (hopefully) with your fiance has yet to be seen, and you don't exactly "not deserve" a dog, either...
Sorry, "deserve" is one of my soapbox words because commercials use it all the time and it annoys me to no end.
I have two dogs in a 600sqft condo and think that having dogs in apartments is totally reasonable. You may have to put a little bit more thought into keeping them tired out but you also have more control over their exercise. I agree that size does not directly correlate with energy level. Look at what the dog was bred for, yes, any of the toy breeds that were bred to be lap dogs tend to be pretty low energy. But there are a lot of large breeds that were bred to lay in one place all day and look out for stuff, or sprint a couple hundred yards and then be done for the day. So there are lots of (common) small dogs that were bred to work and therefore tend to be high energy. Also, it doesn't matter what a breed was bred to do, there are random exceptions that break all the rules, so lazy border collies and high endurance greyhounds exist. So if you are getting an adult dog it kinda makes sense to get it from somewhere it was living in a house with a family for a couple of months so you have a better idea of it's personality. If it is less than 2 years old it still has lots of mental maturing to do anyways so it matters a lot less.
Now, to the main part of your question... Were you guys bargaining based on the perceived level of responsibility? I don't really get your question. If you guys like cats better you should get a cat. If you guys like dogs better you should get a dog. If one of you likes dogs better and the other one likes cats than it is tougher and probably hinges on who is going to be the primary caretaker (also you can find more dog like cats and more cat like dogs you so might be able to do some compromising on that front - you can likely find an individual that has or doesn't have the other person's favorite or least favorite trait).
Also, if you want to try out having a pet you may be able to foster. This is the time of year when shelters (at least in my area) start getting in tone of litters of kittens and are looking for foster homes until the kittens are old enough to adopt. This way they would be cats (what your fiance wants) but you could have kittens all the time (I am a dog person but loooove kittens, so this would make me happy).
Have you ever had a dog before? Rescue groups are always looking for more foster homes but they are generally looking for experienced dog owners so it might be harder to find a group that would give you a foster dog if you haven't ever had a dog before. Do you have friends with dogs? My husband and I dog sat for my older sister a couple of time before we got our dogs and it really helped us know that we were in the right place in our lives to get dogs.
(Note: I don't know exactly what went into your fiance's discussion about babies, but my husband just really hadn't been around any and taking care of my friend's kids and just letting him get used to being around them has significantly changed his idea on when he wants kids - so the being able to try them out thing works for figuring out if it is the right time for kids too...)