The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Breaking up is hard to do...
Invisible
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I've been dating this guy since about mid-December. In the past week I've come to realize I have no sexual attraction to him and really should end this before we get too more involved. The hard part is that he is incredibly clingy and I've literally got nearly 2,000 text messages from him since we've dated and there has not been a single day that I haven't received multiple text messages from him (is it just me or is that a little overboard?).
I just don't know how to bring this up since I've given no indication that there's anything wrong. There's nothing he can do to change how I feel and I feel like if I bring this up in person it's just going to be him trying to justify why we should be together. I just don't feel the same way about him that he feels about me. I think he's a great guy just not the one for me.
What's a nice way of saying we're done?
And is it totally wrong to break up through text? We work opposite shifts (not at the same place or even same type of jobs), so it's hard to meet in person not to mention we live an hour away from each other. It just seems like it would be more painful to meet just so I can break up.
Would it be wrong to shift the blame to myself and tell him what my therapist said? That being that if I don't feel I'm in a place in my life for a committed relationship I'm being unfair to the other individual and should call it off until I feel I'm ready for one.
I just don't know how to bring this up since I've given no indication that there's anything wrong. There's nothing he can do to change how I feel and I feel like if I bring this up in person it's just going to be him trying to justify why we should be together. I just don't feel the same way about him that he feels about me. I think he's a great guy just not the one for me.
What's a nice way of saying we're done?
And is it totally wrong to break up through text? We work opposite shifts (not at the same place or even same type of jobs), so it's hard to meet in person not to mention we live an hour away from each other. It just seems like it would be more painful to meet just so I can break up.
Would it be wrong to shift the blame to myself and tell him what my therapist said? That being that if I don't feel I'm in a place in my life for a committed relationship I'm being unfair to the other individual and should call it off until I feel I'm ready for one.
Invisible on
0
Posts
He sounds like how I used to be. So no matter how long you drag it out (weather it's something quick or you decide to start dropping hints) he's going to justify staying together.
The best way is to make it quick and then break off contact. Yeah, it's going to hurt him but hopefully you'll also break him of his clinginess (unlikely). It's up to you if you want to do it via text or in person. One of my exes did it via text because we worked opposite shifts but in that situation the feeling was mutual (didn't have a whole lot in common besides great sex).
Your best bet is to be direct, forward and firm. At least in my opinion. By firm I mean, don't try and do the friends thing after breaking up (and he will suggest it).
And yeah, don't text it.
Make it quick, cut off contact, like others suggested.
Secret Satan
This way.
Don't do it by text. If you absolutely can't stand to do it in person, at least do it over the phone.
BE VERY CONCRETE AND DO NOT IMPLY YOU CAN OR WILL EVER GET BACK TOGETHER. No talking about the future, how you just don't feel it yet, etc. Just break up with him and that's that. Very literal, no wiggle room. The clingy/need personality will seek out those weaknesses, worm in and fester until they convince themselves that if they just keep battering away at you then you'll realize you love them.
It is very annoying, to say the least.
Then don't respond to the flood of texts you get for the next week.
Y'know, I don't know if he should. It sucks to hear, but it'll get the guy to realize that well, he's NOT sexually attracted to him, and he does NOT want to stay with him.
It totally sucks, but it's sometimes needed.
Edit: My bad, didn't realize that the op is male.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
I'd leave it out, you'll be hurting the guy's self-esteem enough. Only roll it out if he's just not getting the message and you include it in the big 3 reasons you're not going to date him anymore.
He's not attracted to him, unless I'm mistaken. FYI.
I agree that it probably shouldn't be pulled out first thing, but if the guy's not getting it he's not, and he may need that to let go. There have been one or two times in my life where I needed to hear that along with "never".
And do not argue.
Sidenote: I always find it silly on a logical level when someone is being dumped but ARGUES with the person doing the dumping about it. If they don't like you, fuck 'em (well, not literally!). Go find someone who does. I realize only Spock has that level of control though. Still, if this guy is a class 1 clinger, you should do it over the phone because you can click 'end' after you've said what you needed to say.
Breaking up over the phone is a cowardly way to hurt someone even worse than necessary. Suck it up and get it over with in person asap.
If you get the sense that hanging around would be awkward, don't hang around. As Dan Savage once said, "it can seem like staying friends is the grown-up, mature thing to do, and it can sometimes work. But in a situation where the break-up isn't mutual, and one person's feelings got hurt more than the other? That person's continued presence in the others life can be a torment."
As a person who shares your desire not to hurt others, I know how hard this advice can be to take, but it's the standard advice for a good reason. *hugs* Good luck!
Oh god this a thousand times. You don't have to justify your desire to break up. To be honest, being told "I'm no longer sexually attracted to you" is a fine reason, and I wouldn't be hurt to hear it personally. Feelings change.
:^:
Relationships have consequences and obligations.
One of them is to act with some integrity and face the person you are about to horribly hurt.
If you don't have the courage to do that then maybe a relationship is not really for you at this point. Having been on both sides of the coin (who hasn't?), the only way to do justice by someone is to see them in person and deliver the verdict personally.
That volume of texting is probably in part due to the distance thing, but seriously, that's a LOT of texts. I think over the phone now is better than waiting for the next opportunity to see him. At this point since it seems by your post that you do not get together very often, OP, I would worry that going out of your way to see him and then dump him straightaway might be more damaging than calling to say, "hey, this isn't working out, I am not into you the way you are into me, I'm sorry but I have to break up with you." Less than two months is hardly any time in a relationship in the long term.
I am assuming you don't have any belongings at his place or vice versa?
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
Neither does "but he's clingy" make sense as any kind of excuse.
Yes, you're about to break someone's heart and they will be sad. It's the least you can do to look them in the eye and provide some small measure of compassion in person. Call me old fashioned.
You're old fashioned. It's fine that you have that opinion, and it certainly has validity, but in the case of a clinger, and a relationship that's only a few months old, in my opinion doing it over the phone is fine.
I think it would be one thing if this were:
*a longer relationship
*a non-clingy person
*a closer distance
(sorry, I think almost an hour qualifies as a distance-- it depends on where you live, what your mode of transportation is, what your work schedule is like...)
There are *multiple* factors which make "waiting until we can meet face to face again" impractical for the OP. Every day that he doesn't just tell this guy the truth is a day that he is living a lie and letting the other guy believe that they're having a great time 'together' when he is not. Trust me, a month and a half is nothing in the scheme of things.
And if the clingy guy is *that* brokenhearted over a month and a half of dating-- that's not the OP's responsibility. The only person whose happiness you can be the arbiter of is your own.
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
Yeah guy. Gay.
And yeah, we've had like 4 dates. And frankly I'm getting a little weirded out by the messages, like to the point where I'm really not comfortable doing it in person (and when I say texts, I don't mean like a few words, I mean like paragraphs). The level attachment he feels towards me, seems unhealthy given the nature of our relationship. Like when I didn't respond yesterday, one of the messages was among other things that he cared about me more than I know. O_o
And yeah, I don't plan on telling him I'm not attracted to him. He's got enough body issues that I think that would be unnecessarily hurtful.
Edit: and he literally just texted me that he hopes and prays that I haven't decided not to be with him. So yeah...
But for God's sake don't just text him. At least give him a call.
That's the classic "it's not you, it's me" line, and a lie. It won't pass anybody's bullshit detector unless they were born yesterday. Don't do it.
but please show a little respect for both him and yourself and spare the beyond retarded bullshit of 'not being ready for a committed relationship'. Unless you actually plan to become a nun for the next six months/year or something.
And aside from it being a ridiculous and untrue statement, do you want him calling you in four months to see if you are ready for a committed relationship? Tell him the truth, that you don't want a relationship with him.
It's not a discussion, just you telling him what you feel.
https://medium.com/@alascii
That's a pretty good reason for a phone break up, I think.
I've had the phone call break up happen twice, and both times I knew well in advance something was up and was pretty much expecting it. It's possible dude is stuck in the vicious cycle of knowing something is wrong, and trying to use text messages to gain a possible barometer for the situation, which only causes him to think something is wrong even more, which causes him to send more messages....etc etc. I know I've been there. Good luck OP.
But really living an hour away isn't a big thing normally, you can finish work, head to his place, break up, that'd be like 20 or 30 minutes top, say "I should leave" and be home in time for dinner.
...That sounds incredibly cold.
Satans..... hints.....
Yah, this is really true. With the clingy type, best to make it quick, clean and final.
Six weeks is pretty much nothing, and with only four dates over that time... jeebus. I have more intense relationship with the guy who serves me coffee. Although I suppose I did miss him when he left, he really nailed the white chocolate to coffee ratio.
I think a phone call would be a solid thing to do, and even though I'm not a fan of the text breakup, that's like 98% of your relationship so far, and so use of that medium would be okay. Like C- okay, but not a total fail.
Come back little coffee boy, come back- you understood my needs; those needs being mostly coffee and the minimal grunting sounds I make to order things in the morning...
He will not understand, so be prepared for his reaction.
Now, being in the shoes of a common guy, I have to say, and I do not wish to offend you, that your reasons for the break up sound a little cold.
This is true. No matter how shallow you believe it makes you for admitting it, physical attraction and sexual chemistry are a big honkin' deal in romantic relationships.
Yes, breaking up is hard. On the one hand, it genuinely sucks to hurt someone's feelings. And on the other hand, it's very demoralizing to invest all this time into someone who turned out to not work. It's horrible and I'm sorry.
But if you don't think it's going to work, then you have to do it, and do it soon. Every day you spend not doing it, when you know you've should, is another day you're being unfair to the other person.
Oh, and regarding the specific mechanics of how to do it, here's what I think would be best.
1. Call him on the phone.
2. Ask him if he has a few minutes to talk.
3. Tell him that you're sorry, but you don't see this working out.
Personally, I'm a fan of honesty. Don't say you want to be friends if you have no intention of being friends. Don't say you're not ready for a relationship if you think you are. Don't say "You didn't do anything wrong" if that isn't true.
If you're afraid of being asked a question that you don't want to answer honestly (example: "Why do you want to break up?"), then keep the conversation short. Just quickly say that you don't think it's going to work out, apologize, and end the conversation.
But if you're willing to be honest, feel free to open up the conversation and say something like "If you want to talk more, I would be happy to." But only do this if you fucking mean it. If he asks you why you want to break up, be prepared to tell him straight up that it's because you personally don't find him attractive.
Given the ridiculous clingyness I would have zero problem with making it a short conversation.
Good luck!