Between appointments (small update)
analtobviously
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Long story short, I have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, just severely enough that they seriously get in the way of getting things done. I'm not officially diagnosed, and I'm not sure what it would take to get an official diagnosis or if it's even worth doing, but I am in therapy and my therapist says things do match up. I go in for an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, and chances are good I will end up walking out there with some sort of prescription I probably won't want to take. We'll see what happens. This is all through my school, so cost isn't that much of a concern there.
The problem is that I'm at the stage where I want to talk all the time. I only have therapy once a week. 50 minutes, and turned loose for another seven days. I am not coping well between sessions. Because this is through my school, I don't have the option to pay for an extra session a week. They just don't do it, and all the crying and begging in the world won't change that. I know, I've tried. I've relied upon friends fairly heavily up to this point, and after a while you just don't want to bother them with depressing things anymore. When something happens or I get some flashback or whatever and it ruins my day, if there's no one there to talk to it gets... worse. And it's not like my friends are trained professionals or anything; it's very easy for a line of conversation to feed into the whole thing rather than help. My husband is supportive but I go to some lengths to avoid talking to him about it all because I'm always worried what he'll say, or what he'll think, and I don't want to face that with him. I hate the idea of support groups more than I hate the idea of medicating this away, but I'm at a loss, here. I can't make myself call any of these places, but I'm just this side of blurting things out to strangers and other inappropriate parties.
What goes on in a support group? I've seen pardoies of AA meetings on TV. Are they all like that? Do I have to talk? Do they give advice? What's the difference between a support group and group therapy? Does anyone have experience with either? Because right now it's hard to imagine something more terrifying than sitting in front of a group of people and talking about these of things, but when things get bad they get really bad and I feel like I'm running out of options.
Info as well as anecdotes appreciated.
The problem is that I'm at the stage where I want to talk all the time. I only have therapy once a week. 50 minutes, and turned loose for another seven days. I am not coping well between sessions. Because this is through my school, I don't have the option to pay for an extra session a week. They just don't do it, and all the crying and begging in the world won't change that. I know, I've tried. I've relied upon friends fairly heavily up to this point, and after a while you just don't want to bother them with depressing things anymore. When something happens or I get some flashback or whatever and it ruins my day, if there's no one there to talk to it gets... worse. And it's not like my friends are trained professionals or anything; it's very easy for a line of conversation to feed into the whole thing rather than help. My husband is supportive but I go to some lengths to avoid talking to him about it all because I'm always worried what he'll say, or what he'll think, and I don't want to face that with him. I hate the idea of support groups more than I hate the idea of medicating this away, but I'm at a loss, here. I can't make myself call any of these places, but I'm just this side of blurting things out to strangers and other inappropriate parties.
What goes on in a support group? I've seen pardoies of AA meetings on TV. Are they all like that? Do I have to talk? Do they give advice? What's the difference between a support group and group therapy? Does anyone have experience with either? Because right now it's hard to imagine something more terrifying than sitting in front of a group of people and talking about these of things, but when things get bad they get really bad and I feel like I'm running out of options.
Info as well as anecdotes appreciated.
analtobviously on
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Ask your doctor about clonazepam, less than 5mg PRN. It'll shut off the panic response you're having to deal with, isn't habit forming, and you don't have to take it regularly. In fact, it works better if you only use it as a safety net.
A forum just like this one can be as good as a support group, depending on what happened to cause the trauma. Fear is part of PTSD, so sometimes you really do have to push through the initial unwillingness and try to expand your network of safe listeners to a group that meets regularly like that. Sometimes, you shouldn't try to push through, and it's hard to know one time from the other... which is why you need to figure out how to make your husband safe, so he can support you when you suffer a panic attack or some other aspect of PTSD crops up to interrupt your life.
If he's loving and supportive and not a piece of crap, hiding from him is bad. For your own sake you've got to stop somehow.
If you'd like to message me, I can put you in touch with some people one-on-one who are dealing with it, and if you're in central TX I can also recommend some medical resources we're pursuing ourselves. Good luck with it and remember PTSD makes your brain lie to you. Finding an external touchstone you can trust is critical to ending the dissonance.
I've been working on trying to talk to him more. It's hard. His initial response was... jarring, and even though he's been much, much better in more recent attempts to discuss it, when I think about doing so that first time is the one I always go back to in my head. I've been working on it, but there are times when I just don't feel like I can fight that sort of battle in my head. Even though he's about the farthest thing from a piece of crap that I can imagine, it's hard. And it's hard to talk about anyway.
I looked over a couple of the larger forums out there for this topic, and I haven't really felt like I could post anything. I don't know what I'd say anyway. It's something I should probably do, but it doesn't feel much easier than going to a group in person. I want to talk about it so badly so much of the time, so I don't know why participating in one of these things is so difficult. A lot of the things I'm dealing with don't really make any sense to me.
I'm on the East Coast, but if any of the resources you're pursuing are national, that could be helpful. Not that I've managed to make myself make any phone calls yet. Probably the only reason I'm even in therapy now is that I happened to be when this all started. Thanks for the clonazepam tip. When I go to the doctor next week I'll see what he says. It's entirely possible he won't think it's serious enough. Sometimes I have trouble being honest with other people about how bad it can get, partly because when I'm talking to people it's not that bad, and when it's not that bad... it's not that bad, you know?
You're welcome - feel free to contact me anytime you like. As far as your husband is concerned, it's going to be hard to give him a second chance because PTSD makes you mistrust your own instincts AND your rational understanding, sometimes all at once. It will be a process, but you've got to keep at it or you'll end up whole again one day... but resenting him and never able to forgive. He has to be part of your recovery, or he won't ever really be part of your life afterwards.
Ask him to come to the therapy. He probably won't want to - PTSD is scary as hell to watch happening to someone you love, and there's always a fear that you've done something wrong. Also, the "I need to fix it" response is pretty common for men, and the inability to fix what's wrong with your brain can be scary and emasculating, and frustrating sometimes too. Anyhow, ask him to come a lot. Eventually he will, and hopefully your therapist can give him some tools to help you cope, and help you find mental methods to think of him as safe.
This is the essential nature of PTSD, especially multiple-trauma types not caused by war or catastrophe. If your therapist isn't familiar with the specific therapies, it'll be important to find one who is. PTSD is treatable, and since 2003 the treatments have gone up to around 80% or higher success rates. However, it's not easy. Your brain is fucked up, for lack of a better term. It's been miswired by some trauma, and you're going to have to retrain it. This can be very hard to do! You can do it.
You're absolutely right that some of the things you're dealing with don't make sense... because they don't. It doesn't make them any less valid! Your brain is triggering physical reactions and mental patterns meant for, say, danger, when things that are not dangerous happen. It creates cognitive dissonance... you know that a doorbell on a barbie dollhouse doesn't mean danger, but you still want to flee under the bed, start hyperventilating, shaking, and collapse in tears when you hear one. At the same time, you're stuck inside your head thinking "This makes no fucking sense!" but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I can't stress it enough. The lack of logic is inherent to the condition - the fact that you're feeling the dissonance is at the core of PTSD, and your dissonant reactions need to be addressed alongside the reasons for the trauma itself.
Again, your husband needs to be your advocate, which means you need to let him. Things got quite bad for us before we got there, and I hope telling you now can head it off. Maybe you should get him to come read this thread, and don't even talk to him about it today. If you do:
If you can't make the calls, he needs to. You need to have an advocate, and a safe space to talk, and if it's not him it's gotta be someone else. Good luck, and hang in there. This is curable - Doctors understand it. Start with the VA if you can't find any other resource, they know a lot about PTSD now.
Reach out to me anytime you like. it might take a day or two, but I'll reply.
Have you thought about keeping a journal? Just something where you can write down your feelings and your flashbacks and memories? I've found just getting it out there helps. And it doesn't have to be directly to someone else. Just knowing that I have it there helps.
On the support groups. I thought about it at the beginning and discussed it with my therapist a bit. One great thing about PTSD is how you want to minimize and avoid your experiences. Unfortunately a support group can make it much easier for you to minimize your experiences and give you an excuse to try to hide in your shell just by comparing it to what other people are talking about. It's up to you, but just be aware of that. But support groups are also going to be willing and want to listen to your experiences. And you don't have to stick with the first group you try. They all have different group chemistry and general feelings and if you're not comfortable with a group, try a different one. And you don't have to talk beyond just introducing yourself the first few times.
If you do want to do some therapy with your husband, I'd suggest you go to a different therapist for the couples therapy. You need to have a therapist that is only "yours". Someone that you will always feel comfortable talking to.
I'm around, so if you have any other questions, feel free to ask and I'll answer as best as I can.
PM me if you'd like, and I'll give you my screen name, if you'd feel more comfortable talking to another woman with PTSD. You have support and friends around you, you just gotta look for them.
0475 6628 0747
I don't think my therapist really specializes in PTSD. The thing is, I like him. He's the first therapist I've been to see that I really felt comfortable talking with about pretty much anything. I don't want to find a new one and start over. I don't want to really bad. To the point where thinking about finding another one just sets off this whole big cascade of bad in my mind.
I don't know about couples therapy. I read somewhere about something called a collateral visit, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. Last week I was here asking about support groups just for him, though, because I can't imagine this is easy for him to deal with, especially when I can be so touchy sometimes. He really does tend to want to fix things, and he just can't. It would be nice if he could, but it doesn't work that way.
Those forums I looked at... definitely minimizing. There's also something kind of numbing about reading them. I'm worried it would be even worse in an in-person support group. I hear group therapy is different, and that you actually are required to talk for that. It all sounds pretty traumatizing. I started a journal, but found it creepy to write those feelings out. What I've been doing is if I find myself in a really bad place, or with a particularly bad memory, I'll type it up and bring it to my next appointment. It's better than nothing.
Right now, I'm unmedicated. Nobody seems to think this is a fantastic state of affairs, but I don't really want to take anything. I want to be able to handle this. I realize that wanting it won't make it so, but the entire time I was on the last thing I tried I was very uncomfortable with it. It's a medication that's been good for me in the past, but I guess this is why I'm going to a psychiatrist next week instead of back to my GP.
I'm worried that any group I go to or any person with PTSD I talk to will be minimizing. I'm only just recently able to call things what they were instead of saying that it was unimportant or not a big deal or not worth bothering with or whatever, and even that feels... fragile. So it's almost easier not to talk about it at all, but that's masochistic. Many of my behaviors lately are, and I can see that, I just can't seem to do anything about it. Self-harm is not out of the picture here.
Thanks for the replies, everyone.
Your feelings are not ridiculous, whether the incident was months, years or decades ago. No one will judge you so don't judge yourself.
I remember your previous post so I have an idea what you're dealing with. Please tell your therapist your problem and see if they can do anything for you. You could probably call a crisis line and talk. That is what they are there for. Yes, you are having a crisis. I know you felt like you weren't since it's so long ago, but a crisis is a problem of urgency and you clearly feel that.
Don't judge yourself. Get the help you need.
It will be alright.
It kind of funny how reading this post over feels like being stabbed in the chest. Actually physically painful.
I know you don't mean for it to be like that. I don't even know why I'm reacting like that. I know it's true. I would tell anybody the same thing, and I have. Just... wow. I'm sitting here reading it and thinking to myself "Yes, I know that makes sense OH COME ON, TEARS? WHAT THE HELL BRAIN"
I'm pretty sure this is what therapists are there for. It's just such a small percentage of my week that I can be there. So small.
I hope somebody calls back soon.
You're reacting like that because your brain is not wired correctly anymore. "Telling yourself" things is really not going to help very much when you're in those moments, because your brain is already wired to lie to you and misinterpret things, and view what should be helpful as dangerous or suspect. This is what PTSD is - this is what it does. Your fear about people not wanting to help or listen IS real - even though it's not rational, it's definitely real. This dissonance between what you know, and what your body and brain decide to do, is what you're going to learn to resolve through therapy and practice and reconditioning. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of it, focus on a spot in your room and start naming things, one after another, until the moment passes.
Forgive yourself later, and consider: you don't get mad at a broken leg that hurts because it healed wrong. This is no different.
Do you have something you can do that keeps you busy? Play a game, do a puzzle. Hell, I sit and do logic puzzles when I start getting the flashbacks and feel like I'm sinking into that spiral of feelings and shame and feeling like no-one should give a shit about what happened to me. You don't want to just be sitting there idle so your brain keeps spinning around and around and all the crap keeps bubbling up. Find something you can do that forces you to focus. Being able to focus on something else will help you get recentered.
Not a lot of advice I can give, but I can tell you this: Sometimes, when something traumatic happens, if a person isn't ready/able to deal with it at the time it occurs, the brain will sort of bury it. I don't mean literally forget about it, I'm sure you always knew it had happened in the back of your mind, but you weren't ready to deal with it. Now, for some reason, the brain has decided that you can or need to deal with it now. This can happen to people who were raped or abused as children or even young adults because they are just not in a place in their lives where they can think about it. There are cases where they don't tell anyone what happened for YEARS because they just put in a place in their minds to work on it at a later time. For you, that later time is now.
Good luck and we're all here if you need anyone to talk to.
I actually, consciously did this on a number of occasions. "I don't have time/resources/belief this just actually happened to deal with this right now, so I am going to do nothing and it will be enough." And then I did. Not every time, but the first few, certainly. Honestly, after a while I assumed the piper wasn't coming to collect. And why bother, for something that could so easily be set to the side? It was a nice thought, anyway.
I did end up hearing back from a counselor at the clinic I called a couple weeks ago, and I had my intake appointment today. I had bad directions and got lost on the way there, so I was pretty flustered and kind of really upset by the time I got in. She seemed really nice though, and said she'd be happy to keep seeing me on a weekly basis whether or not it's supplemental to another therapist; it could even be beneficial for my appointments with him. She was also very respectful of my reluctance to take medication for this, and that did a lot to set my mind at ease about her. At the end of the session she left me with the suggestion that over time I try to "expand my support network", which I think was super-secret code for "tell my parents". I'm just not convinced there's a good reason to do that.
The weekly appointment will fall two days after the other weekly appointment, which I think will work out to be pretty good timing for me, emotionally.
So anyway. Calling the crisis hotline has not yet ended in a horrible disaster. The Earth still orbits the sun and things may even be looking up, but I don't want to get cocky just in case. It's still all terrifying.