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(Jerry)
My name’s Jerry H, I’m your digital savior
Peelin back minds like Professor Xavier
My words glide and stream like the endless slide
While you’re stuck stammering “at le-le-least I tried!”
(Scott)
Bitch, if you hear a stutter that’s the rat-a-tat-tat
of my verses hittin home, call a doctor STAT!
Staged a coup in your office, now we stealin this rhyme
Drew your chalk outlines at the scene of the crime.
(Mike)
Embezzled our lines cuz yours are the worst
Can’t tell a joke we didn’t make funny first
Your pimp hand’s broke, we see it like we call it
gotta make change from your lady’s meat wallet.
(Chris)
It’s a PENNY arcade so we don’t need millions
Rapping’s our trade, you’re just scared civilians.
Your whinin and bitchin don’t amount to nada
When the hos be swayin to my lyrical lambada.
(ALL)
(Jerry) Here ends our bromance, palaver comes to a close
(Mike) Keep your back to the wall and stay on your toes
(Scott) Who won? Who knows? We’re just here to shout
(Chris) Tip your waitress folks, peace we out!
Hi. I lurk. Usually. I wrote this last night when the contest was announced. I wanted to share since I know it probably won't win.
Jerry:
THIS is a precipice, you can't dis, a dot-jay-peg as fresh as this
We wrote the anthology saying Penny Arcade and Web Comic is just tautology
If you're slightly confused I'll lay it down for you.
You'd need a thesaurus to keep up with our chorus.
Scott:
Man, I've got awards. What'chu got? Ping pong and an Asian boss?
My jokes have appeal to a much larger audience. You can do what? Host a Mario conference?
Your three panel jokes are a comic depression. Know what I've got? Character progression.
And just one last thing, this is for Jerry, if I were the mastermind behind a hospital charity
I damn sure wouldn't be chance'n a name determined to land me surprised by Chris Hansen.
Mike:
Maybe you've got line art, that's cool. Check my paintings.
Bet you've never even used a brush tool. That stings?
Copy/paste all you ever do. Bitch, just erase.
My art has emotion. You reuse the same face.
Kris:
Shit, I've got three comics running circles 'round yours.
You push three and four panels a day and you're floored.
Two of my three have a constant arch.
You bitches go a week and you give up on your art.
I'm sick of this shit and I'm sick of your rhymes.
You wanna throw down? Fuck that. I'm Kris Straub.
Nothin ta toy wit but the name is tycho
maybe a psycho but it ain't no syke though
when I say that I gotta tight flow
and is it just me, or does Scott Look like a Dyke Ho?
Scott:
Jerry you a writer who can't even write yo
and didn't I see a pic of your wife in a porno?
ya look a little slow like ya boy corky thatcher
when ya mom had you the doctor slapped her
Gabe:
Scott and Kris never gonna get a girl they just too old
maybe that is why they turned into a semen slurpin duo
Kris go shave the cum stained pubic hair off ya face
cuz your mom kisses you and don't like the salty taste
Kris:
Bringin up my momma gabe just shows you such a disgace
tell the people while you started poppin pills in the first place
I came around made gabe so shook he became all Anti-Social
because he knew his girl wanted my penis deep in her vocals
Hey everyone,
I entered this last friday but I'm a little scared it might get lost in a spam filter or something because it's a link. So I'm hedging my bets and posting it here too!
The actual contest entry part (the lyrics) can be found in the description.
Yeah, so I'm the lurker type. I wrote one of these though. Here you go:
Mike
Yo who the fuck are you? You fuckin' hiiiigh?
The fuck's a chainsawsuit? You out yo' miiiind?
You 'xpect to play this dude and not get friiiied?
Roll out yo' playlist foo', let's see you tryyy!
Who flirts with Kurtz and expects to get byyyyy?
The worst perverts on this side of the date liiine
This busta' punk and the PvP guyyyyy?
I'll bust yo' skulls with some PVC piiiipe
Thick cardboard tubes are a hobby of miiiine
Don't ya'll fuck with the mad samuraiiiii
Slice your guts and I'll spit in your eyyyyye
You'll wish ya'll had an ex-tr-a liiife
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Riiiiight
B A Select Start. Fuck you, good night!
Like Konami code, those boys are swarming in maaaans
True salami pros, prefer the head and the glaaaaans
They made videos, got devoted faaaans
Hard to find though, import from Japaaaan
Kris
Fuck you, Ms. Pac-Man! Wanna see this backhand?
I rap like a black man so get the fuck off this track, man
My phrases amaze, K's in like Ka-ZAKH-stan
Two credits to play, K-Straub is biz-ack, man
I drop prose just like you eat ghosts
My mic flows and it crescendos
I'm ice cold just like dem Benzos
I high sco'zs all yo' Nintendos
You creeper like Minecraft all freaky and scary
You rap like a mine shaft and it's killing canaries
Gargling balls like you were gobbling cherries
Probably false? No they were probably Jerry's
Inky and Pinky and Blinky and Sue
Drive me to drinking just thinking of you
Lyrical brinksmanship, you gonna lose
Soon as I find a link cable or two
just to make sure my rapz get entered, I am also posting them here (I attached a music file to my email, so it might not get past spam filter)
Scott:
you got the nerdcore flow, we got fire and blow
that's the Blam, not the crack, not even your hippo smack
no, that will not do, I put a troll up next to Winnie the Poo
I put a p to the v, and back again
like yo momma once did with a neighborhood friend
Kris:
dropping rhymes like we drop fat loot
so what if Scott wants to get up in my chainsawsuit
we don't play around with some lame-ass fruit, fucker
Scott:
fuck right, fuck yes, puck man ain't puck dis
puck man? PAC, man- Colbert ain't got shit
we run a Super PAC before he threw that fit
look up our kickstart page- baby got BACK
Kris:
watch us mixalot, like cookies and cream
watch jannissary Scott, me the sultan king
watch the Straub-Kurtz flow, like milk and ho-ney
cause we can take on anything you bring
---
Mike:
time to duel em (Jerry: duel em!) - shit yeah, we rule em (Jerry: rule em!)
my banana hands, they fool em (Jerry: fool em!)
fruit fuckin' bitches since I knew how to pull em
Jerry:
fursuit fuckin', we truckin' up the charts
we muckin' up the hearts of nerdcore fans, a four-step plan
step one, write shit; step two, be funny
step three, what the fuck; step four, get money
Mike:
they got the NCS, I call that Child's Play
they got a Kickstart PAC, shit man we got PAX (Jerry: PAX)
our pacts go way back, before they got tract!
Jerry:
Pacts, plural like our sponsors, unlike theirs
it's Magic they gatherin' any followin' at all
motherfuckers can't even hit a ping pong ball!
Mike+ Jerry:
bee-tee-dubs Scott got all his drawings from a bathroom stall
First board entry from a long time PA lurker. I couldn't resist entering the contest, or signing up on the board. This was my entry. (Submitted 7/15)
(Jerrymancer)
I'm Pac Man son gonna get you wakka wakka
You gonna be down once I hit you blakka blakka
Comin at you like a Cardboard Tube
Samurai
Beats so sharp you'll think I'm
Porkfry
While we rock the mic and light up cantinas
Your rap so whack you need a subpeona
You nerferding, so beta, doin the robot, Automata
Comics so good you can't keep up with this data.
(The Man, The Myth, SK-One)
We so PvP
Al-ways MVP
Kurtz in the house blowin up Great Scott
While you PA kiddies are blown out, snot
Raps so twined you think it's Inception
Keenspottin in the old school internet connection
Eisner, Harvey recognize my greatness
I'll take out all your bases
Kringus.
(D20 (Mike K Checka))
PA in the house PA in the club
PA comin faster than a Gigabit Hub
I'm MC K with the rhymes so fresh
Comin up with lyrics your brain cant mesh
Who else gonna rap about Gilgamesh and succor
I'm rattlin your brain like a fruit fruit fucker
Why you comin at us with that lame old swagger?
You becomin your father, can't rap, just stagger!
We dressed to impress like Twisp and Catsby
Get classy with the kids, while you all gaspy
Shootin up yo zombies, Resident Evil, bang
I got one more word for you...WANG.
(KDog (Mr Straub's Neighborhood)
K-R-I-S to the mic that's right
K-R-I-S gonna give you a fight
Bling blau
like Scratch Fury on crack
While Jade hits your vitals a rat a tat tat
All over the nation with my Blamimation
Webcartoonists stagger at the domination
Brent got my back with the Panda attack
You played out like a Halo rifle put on a rack
My boy Scotts got the skills, PvP so hot
You'll bow to our old school, Foxtrot.
(Jerrymancer)
We extra fly
like we're sailin the Highwind
Swingin left and right
you'll think you're thin-skinned
I'm the captain, you just an ensign
I'll sniper you
Nerf gun
has been
Roll you around like a big Katamari
You a joke
Mon Calamari
Cause everywhere we go it's like P.A.X.
a gamers high, sheer P-A-Sex
Our Khoo-Fu
got us Time One Hundred
We are the law
Judge Dredd.
(SK-One & K-Dog)
LOLBat with a kung fu hustla
I get the ladies with my tablet skills
stunna
Cole got my back with the D20 rolls
Skull my boy hit you like a 50 foot troll
My dad raps better than your lame old (Insert old mans voice) "Crap!"
I'll shock you with my skills till you scream 'Its a Trap!"
Got stamina, drawin 24 hours a day
You stuck in Comiccon, Decepticon
million miles away.
Wombat
Fatality
Mortal Kombat
Were the fliest comic son
While you just break bats
Cause I draw the best,
comic demolition derby
I'm Simon Belmont
raise ghosts
get em Kirby!
(D20 & Jerrymancer)
We got a number one game on Xbox Live
We Parappa, you just stale with your old man jive
So L33T, so cool
you had to move Dallas to Seattle
Kickin it with Frasier, while he rattles
(Insert Kelsey Grammer) Oh baby I hear that rap a callin tossed salad and
scrambled
eggs....
I entered this as well, didn't have time to hook up the music or anything, but it was fun:
Kris:
K. Straub is a winner, I only roll Yahtzee!
I do your PR, 'cuz you'd scare off paparazzi.
Fear to get near, here's a taste of my activities:
More talent in a toe than Jerry's got proclivities.
3 comics, 2 shows, I hustle product daily.
At panels all I hear is "Kris lemme have your baby!"
Crowds I exhilarate; PA I intimidate;
It's time to meet your fate; We'll wipe you clean off the slate
Scott:
KS, you're too kind, let Kurtz unwind his mind.
To match us? 40 years of that Gabe & Tycho grind.
Industry buys me dinner, they love my accessories.
Call me "Award-Winner," hit my site for my best stories.
I publish *real* comics, real plotlines, this ain't new to me.
2 strips in a row, you start whining "Continuity!"
Here's a new project, an assignment for y'all:
It's called "Penny Arcade Get Off of Kris & Scott's Balls!"
Mike:
Krahulik in, pickin' up the lyrical tic,
Flick my tablet pen and the competition feels sick
Takin' chances, switchin' styles, my genius cuts to the quick
You're both featured in Webster's, just look up "Generic!"
Did that hit close to home? Hey, maybe you're reeling,
You should jump on your blogs, and then let flow your feelings
While I let flow the skills that put food on my plate.
Our dreams are fulfilled while you two stagnate.
Jerry:
*HOLKINS!*
When my didactic rap hits fans grab prophylactics.
If you act like it's whack, back it up or I'll smack it.
Sqort, your stories are soapy, we're bored with that mellow shit.
Krasp, chainsawsuit rips off Perry Bible Fellowship.
Our bread & butter jpegs brought us to prominence.
The golden goose that lays eggs, they continue our dominance.
Your PAX schticks are the worst, the masses wonder who's next.
And don't forget, on the first your rent is due on Khoo's desk.
Oh this is awesome. Seeing Jerry spit some mad heat is essentially my dream, especially if I wrote it.
Kris/Scott:
Kris is the mister with a clip full of missiles.
Right trigger flippin' got me tippin' my pistol.
Scott's got hot big shot lyrics to drop.
Knock MC Frontalot off his spot.
Mike/Jerry:
It's Mike, you might recognize me as Tycho.
I know my rhymes go insane like a psycho.
Jerry cares little about your piddly rhythms.
Fissures begin splittin' when he spittin' quick wisdom.
Kris/Scott:
Penny Arcade make it rain like the MK
character made famous in the third game.
Ultimate edition is what we always be spittin'.
The mission is givin' Child's Play stacks gettin' thicker.
Mike/Jerry:
My Hannah Montana ball can be a cannonball if you steppin'.
It's an effective weapon with plus ten strength for wreckin'.
Reppin' PA is my best protection.
Nobody messin' with me when I'm Boba Fett jettin'.
Not sure if I over did the vulgarity here.
(Scott)
I'm dick boxing your mom. That's right, having sex
You're still fucking around at home with DivX.
you're the gimped stroke-victim half of penny arcade,
When it comes to this rap battle you're wiping the raid.
(Mike)
Bitch, I'm the red headed flayer,
The ginger pussy slayer.
I'll make bacon from your ass cheeks
Don't let the grease spray yah.
My dick's a fucking weapon, 2D plus ten.
I'll do to you what I did to Jack Thompson!
I'm the king of winning, hope these eased your doubts.
That's all folks, wrapped it up, Gabe out.
(Kris)
What could be better than the TV?
You two are still jerkin' it to 2D.
That's right. I'm the hype man,
I spit lyrical martial arts like I'm straight out of Saipan.
Look at this beard, it's so God damn hairy,
I even got some spare, take it for your head Jerry.
(Jerry)
Man that's fucked up. Yeah, I'm bald, so what.
I'd use your stupid beard to wipe your mama's butt.
all those split ends tore her asshole out.
And yet you wonder why I'm not devout.
They call me TB, betta get your shot
I'm airborne like avian flu, was that all you got?
Figured I might as well put this on the forums too, I mailed it back in July.
Scott
Hayyooo Gabe and Tycho, you’re a thing of the past
We out-sketch, out-clever, and straight up out-last
You morlocks at comics and other dope shiz
Dropping serial science on P.A televiz
Jerry
Well now it’s time to put yon pranksters to shame, with
Wit effusive, you witness my game: raining plain-jane brain pain in the punditry vein
Thunderous verbiage, my lexicon reigns - my rhymes are Mjollnir, bitches, Thor is my name
And who’s PVP-ness? Just slaves to the lame.
Kris
PVP-ness? Yeah, with your mom all night.
Like her landing strip broseph, my flow’s high and tight,
My style is glowing, bask in the light
God of thunder, the god of all might? Maybe you’re the god of wack blunders, like
exposing your limp tongue to my sniper sights – you’re doomed, I’m
Big fucking gunning your lamentable plight
Mike
Hey Kris… that’s the weakest shit that I ever heard
Duke Nukem Forever of the spoken word
Like you reached in your mouth and you pulled out a turd
Your verbs and my insults from oh, grade the third, sure but
You posers spell illustration with no “ill”, nerds, while my ill pencil skills still thrillin the herds
Scott (enraged, fast)
Like Madden I’m maddening em with best efforts so platinum
Enterprising to the max and hmmmm, with Wil Wheaton and Shat and em
I’m beaten em, flatten em, trashing em, stop riding my sack, it’s dumb
Kris (continuing Scott’s flow)
Your challenges? We're chewing em, like they be bubble gum,
My rhymes are fun, my lines are fun, Twisp and Catsby? They’re bums. DIV is scum.
Automata? Done. Jim Darkmagic? Done. Dr. Darktalon Blood? He’s mud. He’s done.
You been snubbed, scrubs, just roll over, it’s done. It’s been fun. Gotta run. /drops mic
/dramatic pause
Jerry (Evil Jerry voice, black smoke. Maybe wearing a sith robe.)
Now thou hast done it, thou wretchedest wastrels
You have stepped to my throne… but you’re inside my castle.
And as a murder of deep crows gnaw their nebs on your noob souls
And your rap-corpses simmer in sulfurous tar-pools
And your descendants devoured by were-rats and dead ghouls
You may realize belatedly: you never should step to me
Fools, it’s elementary, see, there’s no one as fiendishly
Devilishly clever as me, on the mic or web site or on any the seven seas
Of Hades - on your knees, diseased fleas, time to die
torturously.
Well, if the submission period is over, I may as well post my effort in here. I tried a different angle with mine...
Tycho:
Hey Laurel and Hardy wanna-be hacks
Your choice of office furnishing lacks
You moved into our office, all up in our biz-nass
Lookin’ like Santa and his elf on Christ-mass
Don’t put us on yo’ list, we already be gifted
Jump back on yo’ raft and float back from where you drifted
Gabe:
Yo Tych, lemme take this, I gots a bone to pick
The stench from yo’ office really makes me sick
You should open a window or try this thing called a shower
I fell into a coma on the couch for an hour
But you say you like it here, got my homeboy blushin’
No wonder, last I checked, every day we be hustlin’
Scott:
Hey Bunsen and Beaker look-alike fucks
This desk alone cost me tens of bucks
So don’t be hatin’ on my furniture or my boy Kris
Our space be exclusive and you ain’t on the list
So don’t come cryin’ to me next time you need help
Can’t decide where to eat? I suggest you try Yelp
Kris:
Yo Scott good one, I liked the part where you killed it
Tenderized that shit, thawed it out, then grilled it
I got yo’ back, and yo’ front, I’m the Robin to your Batman
Did that sound gay? You know I’m not into that man
Back on topic, we be runnin’ out of verses
I heard Tycho and Gabe like to shop online for purses
I know the contest is over, but I saw the topic, and was overcome by the sheer beautiful poetry of the whole thing. I'm the whitest person I know, but in my secret heart I'm a rap fan, and I delve into the patois of the street like a linguistic sommelier; savoring every delicious morsel of verbal flavor that less enlightened connoisseurs of the language overlook. In short, I had to create an account just to post this, belated or not.
JERRY:
Yo this is Jerry, to the ladies I'm Tycho,
Play them chickens like Tyco, like my chain I'm called White Gold,
Best stand back cause I might blow, like deez nuts in a tight hole,
Now I'ma hand off the mic 'fo' these rhymes awaken the Deep Crow.
KRIS:
You two like to think that your rhymes are so lethal,
just cause Jerry's dictionary is the size of his ego.
You just some buzzword bitches, you're like foursquare an' Meebo.
We out here spittin' the cure, while you two droolin' placebo.
MIKE:
John Gabe on the record, peel lyrical caps like they' onions,
I'm straight deep dickin' your moms, you in the basement with Funyuns,
Took one for the team though, cause them panties was pungent,
Jerry called me Diablo, the way I raided that dungeon.
PA, motherfucker.
SCOTT:
Now you throwin' up PA like you reppin' the Wu-Tang?
Like you harder than Method on X while he's rippin' some poontang?
But what you don't know, bitches, is that rap is about flow,
And my flow is sicker than slippin' some bamboo sticks in your pee hole.
JERRY:
You trashin' PA? Scott better put it in reverse.
You dicks wouldn't even exist if we ain't step on the scene first.
Your sophomoric rhymes are 'bout as hard as a kitten,
I was pennin' better writtens on the schoolbus in mittens.
KRIS:
You really want to bring up writing? You'll get your ass beat.
Your jokes have been nothin' but stale since Twisp and Catsby.
You merchy motherfuckers are sold out, like Inception,
But I guess you gotta stack that paper to buy your granny porn collection.
MIKE:
You're comparing us to PVP? I don't believe it.
Your Alexa rank is so low I'd need a midget just to see it.
You're totally outgunned, bring your crew if you want to beef it,
Or we'll spank you and give you a time out, like juvenile delinquents.
[A scuffle ensues over the mic, with Jerry pushing Scott aside]
JERRY:
Fuck you Scott, your rhymes aren't worth a chance to reply,
I wipe my ass with your comic when I run outta three-ply.
I'll save you the embarassment of tryin' to come up with another verse.
PA just beat your ass like a tambourine in a Baptist church.
Peace.
Posts
My name’s Jerry H, I’m your digital savior
Peelin back minds like Professor Xavier
My words glide and stream like the endless slide
While you’re stuck stammering “at le-le-least I tried!”
(Scott)
Bitch, if you hear a stutter that’s the rat-a-tat-tat
of my verses hittin home, call a doctor STAT!
Staged a coup in your office, now we stealin this rhyme
Drew your chalk outlines at the scene of the crime.
(Mike)
Embezzled our lines cuz yours are the worst
Can’t tell a joke we didn’t make funny first
Your pimp hand’s broke, we see it like we call it
gotta make change from your lady’s meat wallet.
(Chris)
It’s a PENNY arcade so we don’t need millions
Rapping’s our trade, you’re just scared civilians.
Your whinin and bitchin don’t amount to nada
When the hos be swayin to my lyrical lambada.
(ALL)
(Jerry) Here ends our bromance, palaver comes to a close
(Mike) Keep your back to the wall and stay on your toes
(Scott) Who won? Who knows? We’re just here to shout
(Chris) Tip your waitress folks, peace we out!
Sweet, now I've got more time to write my sick rhymes.
something something crimes
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
Jerry:
THIS is a precipice, you can't dis, a dot-jay-peg as fresh as this
We wrote the anthology saying Penny Arcade and Web Comic is just tautology
If you're slightly confused I'll lay it down for you.
You'd need a thesaurus to keep up with our chorus.
Scott:
Man, I've got awards. What'chu got? Ping pong and an Asian boss?
My jokes have appeal to a much larger audience. You can do what? Host a Mario conference?
Your three panel jokes are a comic depression. Know what I've got? Character progression.
And just one last thing, this is for Jerry, if I were the mastermind behind a hospital charity
I damn sure wouldn't be chance'n a name determined to land me surprised by Chris Hansen.
Mike:
Maybe you've got line art, that's cool. Check my paintings.
Bet you've never even used a brush tool. That stings?
Copy/paste all you ever do. Bitch, just erase.
My art has emotion. You reuse the same face.
Kris:
Shit, I've got three comics running circles 'round yours.
You push three and four panels a day and you're floored.
Two of my three have a constant arch.
You bitches go a week and you give up on your art.
I'm sick of this shit and I'm sick of your rhymes.
You wanna throw down? Fuck that. I'm Kris Straub.
Mr. Khoo, the newspost mentioned the cruel streets of Portland for the rap battle. When can we expect you in our fair city?
Instant episode
http://www.audioentropy.com/
im feeling pretty good though, seeing as i made the contest post as an example of greatness.
-Peace[MC]-
http://www.facebook.com/emcee117
THERE ARE MANY THINGS BREWING.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Tycho:
Nothin ta toy wit but the name is tycho
maybe a psycho but it ain't no syke though
when I say that I gotta tight flow
and is it just me, or does Scott Look like a Dyke Ho?
Scott:
Jerry you a writer who can't even write yo
and didn't I see a pic of your wife in a porno?
ya look a little slow like ya boy corky thatcher
when ya mom had you the doctor slapped her
Gabe:
Scott and Kris never gonna get a girl they just too old
maybe that is why they turned into a semen slurpin duo
Kris go shave the cum stained pubic hair off ya face
cuz your mom kisses you and don't like the salty taste
Kris:
Bringin up my momma gabe just shows you such a disgace
tell the people while you started poppin pills in the first place
I came around made gabe so shook he became all Anti-Social
because he knew his girl wanted my penis deep in her vocals
I entered this last friday but I'm a little scared it might get lost in a spam filter or something because it's a link. So I'm hedging my bets and posting it here too!
The actual contest entry part (the lyrics) can be found in the description.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYFgRULuFLU
Mike
Yo who the fuck are you? You fuckin' hiiiigh?
The fuck's a chainsawsuit? You out yo' miiiind?
You 'xpect to play this dude and not get friiiied?
Roll out yo' playlist foo', let's see you tryyy!
Who flirts with Kurtz and expects to get byyyyy?
The worst perverts on this side of the date liiine
This busta' punk and the PvP guyyyyy?
I'll bust yo' skulls with some PVC piiiipe
Thick cardboard tubes are a hobby of miiiine
Don't ya'll fuck with the mad samuraiiiii
Slice your guts and I'll spit in your eyyyyye
You'll wish ya'll had an ex-tr-a liiife
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Riiiiight
B A Select Start. Fuck you, good night!
Like Konami code, those boys are swarming in maaaans
True salami pros, prefer the head and the glaaaaans
They made videos, got devoted faaaans
Hard to find though, import from Japaaaan
Kris
Fuck you, Ms. Pac-Man! Wanna see this backhand?
I rap like a black man so get the fuck off this track, man
My phrases amaze, K's in like Ka-ZAKH-stan
Two credits to play, K-Straub is biz-ack, man
I drop prose just like you eat ghosts
My mic flows and it crescendos
I'm ice cold just like dem Benzos
I high sco'zs all yo' Nintendos
You creeper like Minecraft all freaky and scary
You rap like a mine shaft and it's killing canaries
Gargling balls like you were gobbling cherries
Probably false? No they were probably Jerry's
Inky and Pinky and Blinky and Sue
Drive me to drinking just thinking of you
Lyrical brinksmanship, you gonna lose
Soon as I find a link cable or two
Scott:
you got the nerdcore flow, we got fire and blow
that's the Blam, not the crack, not even your hippo smack
no, that will not do, I put a troll up next to Winnie the Poo
I put a p to the v, and back again
like yo momma once did with a neighborhood friend
Kris:
dropping rhymes like we drop fat loot
so what if Scott wants to get up in my chainsawsuit
we don't play around with some lame-ass fruit, fucker
Scott:
fuck right, fuck yes, puck man ain't puck dis
puck man? PAC, man- Colbert ain't got shit
we run a Super PAC before he threw that fit
look up our kickstart page- baby got BACK
Kris:
watch us mixalot, like cookies and cream
watch jannissary Scott, me the sultan king
watch the Straub-Kurtz flow, like milk and ho-ney
cause we can take on anything you bring
---
Mike:
time to duel em (Jerry: duel em!) - shit yeah, we rule em (Jerry: rule em!)
my banana hands, they fool em (Jerry: fool em!)
fruit fuckin' bitches since I knew how to pull em
Jerry:
fursuit fuckin', we truckin' up the charts
we muckin' up the hearts of nerdcore fans, a four-step plan
step one, write shit; step two, be funny
step three, what the fuck; step four, get money
Mike:
they got the NCS, I call that Child's Play
they got a Kickstart PAC, shit man we got PAX (Jerry: PAX)
our pacts go way back, before they got tract!
Jerry:
Pacts, plural like our sponsors, unlike theirs
it's Magic they gatherin' any followin' at all
motherfuckers can't even hit a ping pong ball!
Mike+ Jerry:
bee-tee-dubs Scott got all his drawings from a bathroom stall
*curtsey*
(Jerrymancer)
I'm Pac Man son gonna get you wakka wakka
You gonna be down once I hit you blakka blakka
Comin at you like a Cardboard Tube
Samurai
Beats so sharp you'll think I'm
Porkfry
While we rock the mic and light up cantinas
Your rap so whack you need a subpeona
You nerferding, so beta, doin the robot, Automata
Comics so good you can't keep up with this data.
(The Man, The Myth, SK-One)
We so PvP
Al-ways MVP
Kurtz in the house blowin up Great Scott
While you PA kiddies are blown out, snot
Raps so twined you think it's Inception
Keenspottin in the old school internet connection
Eisner, Harvey recognize my greatness
I'll take out all your bases
Kringus.
(D20 (Mike K Checka))
PA in the house PA in the club
PA comin faster than a Gigabit Hub
I'm MC K with the rhymes so fresh
Comin up with lyrics your brain cant mesh
Who else gonna rap about Gilgamesh and succor
I'm rattlin your brain like a fruit fruit fucker
Why you comin at us with that lame old swagger?
You becomin your father, can't rap, just stagger!
We dressed to impress like Twisp and Catsby
Get classy with the kids, while you all gaspy
Shootin up yo zombies, Resident Evil, bang
I got one more word for you...WANG.
(KDog (Mr Straub's Neighborhood)
K-R-I-S to the mic that's right
K-R-I-S gonna give you a fight
Bling blau
like Scratch Fury on crack
While Jade hits your vitals a rat a tat tat
All over the nation with my Blamimation
Webcartoonists stagger at the domination
Brent got my back with the Panda attack
You played out like a Halo rifle put on a rack
My boy Scotts got the skills, PvP so hot
You'll bow to our old school, Foxtrot.
(Jerrymancer)
We extra fly
like we're sailin the Highwind
Swingin left and right
you'll think you're thin-skinned
I'm the captain, you just an ensign
I'll sniper you
Nerf gun
has been
Roll you around like a big Katamari
You a joke
Mon Calamari
Cause everywhere we go it's like P.A.X.
a gamers high, sheer P-A-Sex
Our Khoo-Fu
got us Time One Hundred
We are the law
Judge Dredd.
(SK-One & K-Dog)
LOLBat with a kung fu hustla
I get the ladies with my tablet skills
stunna
Cole got my back with the D20 rolls
Skull my boy hit you like a 50 foot troll
My dad raps better than your lame old (Insert old mans voice) "Crap!"
I'll shock you with my skills till you scream 'Its a Trap!"
Got stamina, drawin 24 hours a day
You stuck in Comiccon, Decepticon
million miles away.
Wombat
Fatality
Mortal Kombat
Were the fliest comic son
While you just break bats
Cause I draw the best,
comic demolition derby
I'm Simon Belmont
raise ghosts
get em Kirby!
(D20 & Jerrymancer)
We got a number one game on Xbox Live
We Parappa, you just stale with your old man jive
So L33T, so cool
you had to move Dallas to Seattle
Kickin it with Frasier, while he rattles
(Insert Kelsey Grammer) Oh baby I hear that rap a callin tossed salad and
scrambled
eggs....
Fin.
Kris:
K. Straub is a winner, I only roll Yahtzee!
I do your PR, 'cuz you'd scare off paparazzi.
Fear to get near, here's a taste of my activities:
More talent in a toe than Jerry's got proclivities.
3 comics, 2 shows, I hustle product daily.
At panels all I hear is "Kris lemme have your baby!"
Crowds I exhilarate; PA I intimidate;
It's time to meet your fate; We'll wipe you clean off the slate
Scott:
KS, you're too kind, let Kurtz unwind his mind.
To match us? 40 years of that Gabe & Tycho grind.
Industry buys me dinner, they love my accessories.
Call me "Award-Winner," hit my site for my best stories.
I publish *real* comics, real plotlines, this ain't new to me.
2 strips in a row, you start whining "Continuity!"
Here's a new project, an assignment for y'all:
It's called "Penny Arcade Get Off of Kris & Scott's Balls!"
Mike:
Krahulik in, pickin' up the lyrical tic,
Flick my tablet pen and the competition feels sick
Takin' chances, switchin' styles, my genius cuts to the quick
You're both featured in Webster's, just look up "Generic!"
Did that hit close to home? Hey, maybe you're reeling,
You should jump on your blogs, and then let flow your feelings
While I let flow the skills that put food on my plate.
Our dreams are fulfilled while you two stagnate.
Jerry:
*HOLKINS!*
When my didactic rap hits fans grab prophylactics.
If you act like it's whack, back it up or I'll smack it.
Sqort, your stories are soapy, we're bored with that mellow shit.
Krasp, chainsawsuit rips off Perry Bible Fellowship.
Our bread & butter jpegs brought us to prominence.
The golden goose that lays eggs, they continue our dominance.
Your PAX schticks are the worst, the masses wonder who's next.
And don't forget, on the first your rent is due on Khoo's desk.
Kris/Scott:
Kris is the mister with a clip full of missiles.
Right trigger flippin' got me tippin' my pistol.
Scott's got hot big shot lyrics to drop.
Knock MC Frontalot off his spot.
Mike/Jerry:
It's Mike, you might recognize me as Tycho.
I know my rhymes go insane like a psycho.
Jerry cares little about your piddly rhythms.
Fissures begin splittin' when he spittin' quick wisdom.
Kris/Scott:
Penny Arcade make it rain like the MK
character made famous in the third game.
Ultimate edition is what we always be spittin'.
The mission is givin' Child's Play stacks gettin' thicker.
Mike/Jerry:
My Hannah Montana ball can be a cannonball if you steppin'.
It's an effective weapon with plus ten strength for wreckin'.
Reppin' PA is my best protection.
Nobody messin' with me when I'm Boba Fett jettin'.
(Scott)
I'm dick boxing your mom. That's right, having sex
You're still fucking around at home with DivX.
you're the gimped stroke-victim half of penny arcade,
When it comes to this rap battle you're wiping the raid.
(Mike)
Bitch, I'm the red headed flayer,
The ginger pussy slayer.
I'll make bacon from your ass cheeks
Don't let the grease spray yah.
My dick's a fucking weapon, 2D plus ten.
I'll do to you what I did to Jack Thompson!
I'm the king of winning, hope these eased your doubts.
That's all folks, wrapped it up, Gabe out.
(Kris)
What could be better than the TV?
You two are still jerkin' it to 2D.
That's right. I'm the hype man,
I spit lyrical martial arts like I'm straight out of Saipan.
Look at this beard, it's so God damn hairy,
I even got some spare, take it for your head Jerry.
(Jerry)
Man that's fucked up. Yeah, I'm bald, so what.
I'd use your stupid beard to wipe your mama's butt.
all those split ends tore her asshole out.
And yet you wonder why I'm not devout.
They call me TB, betta get your shot
I'm airborne like avian flu, was that all you got?
Scott
Hayyooo Gabe and Tycho, you’re a thing of the past
We out-sketch, out-clever, and straight up out-last
You morlocks at comics and other dope shiz
Dropping serial science on P.A televiz
Jerry
Well now it’s time to put yon pranksters to shame, with
Wit effusive, you witness my game: raining plain-jane brain pain in the punditry vein
Thunderous verbiage, my lexicon reigns - my rhymes are Mjollnir, bitches, Thor is my name
And who’s PVP-ness? Just slaves to the lame.
Kris
PVP-ness? Yeah, with your mom all night.
Like her landing strip broseph, my flow’s high and tight,
My style is glowing, bask in the light
God of thunder, the god of all might? Maybe you’re the god of wack blunders, like
exposing your limp tongue to my sniper sights – you’re doomed, I’m
Big fucking gunning your lamentable plight
Mike
Hey Kris… that’s the weakest shit that I ever heard
Duke Nukem Forever of the spoken word
Like you reached in your mouth and you pulled out a turd
Your verbs and my insults from oh, grade the third, sure but
You posers spell illustration with no “ill”, nerds, while my ill pencil skills still thrillin the herds
Scott (enraged, fast)
Like Madden I’m maddening em with best efforts so platinum
Enterprising to the max and hmmmm, with Wil Wheaton and Shat and em
I’m beaten em, flatten em, trashing em, stop riding my sack, it’s dumb
Kris (continuing Scott’s flow)
Your challenges? We're chewing em, like they be bubble gum,
My rhymes are fun, my lines are fun, Twisp and Catsby? They’re bums. DIV is scum.
Automata? Done. Jim Darkmagic? Done. Dr. Darktalon Blood? He’s mud. He’s done.
You been snubbed, scrubs, just roll over, it’s done. It’s been fun. Gotta run. /drops mic
/dramatic pause
Jerry (Evil Jerry voice, black smoke. Maybe wearing a sith robe.)
Now thou hast done it, thou wretchedest wastrels
You have stepped to my throne… but you’re inside my castle.
And as a murder of deep crows gnaw their nebs on your noob souls
And your rap-corpses simmer in sulfurous tar-pools
And your descendants devoured by were-rats and dead ghouls
You may realize belatedly: you never should step to me
Fools, it’s elementary, see, there’s no one as fiendishly
Devilishly clever as me, on the mic or web site or on any the seven seas
Of Hades - on your knees, diseased fleas, time to die
torturously.
Everyone else: (silence)
Hot sheezy Dan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXjtvEwH9eg
Tycho:
Hey Laurel and Hardy wanna-be hacks
Your choice of office furnishing lacks
You moved into our office, all up in our biz-nass
Lookin’ like Santa and his elf on Christ-mass
Don’t put us on yo’ list, we already be gifted
Jump back on yo’ raft and float back from where you drifted
Gabe:
Yo Tych, lemme take this, I gots a bone to pick
The stench from yo’ office really makes me sick
You should open a window or try this thing called a shower
I fell into a coma on the couch for an hour
But you say you like it here, got my homeboy blushin’
No wonder, last I checked, every day we be hustlin’
Scott:
Hey Bunsen and Beaker look-alike fucks
This desk alone cost me tens of bucks
So don’t be hatin’ on my furniture or my boy Kris
Our space be exclusive and you ain’t on the list
So don’t come cryin’ to me next time you need help
Can’t decide where to eat? I suggest you try Yelp
Kris:
Yo Scott good one, I liked the part where you killed it
Tenderized that shit, thawed it out, then grilled it
I got yo’ back, and yo’ front, I’m the Robin to your Batman
Did that sound gay? You know I’m not into that man
Back on topic, we be runnin’ out of verses
I heard Tycho and Gabe like to shop online for purses
JERRY:
Yo this is Jerry, to the ladies I'm Tycho,
Play them chickens like Tyco, like my chain I'm called White Gold,
Best stand back cause I might blow, like deez nuts in a tight hole,
Now I'ma hand off the mic 'fo' these rhymes awaken the Deep Crow.
KRIS:
You two like to think that your rhymes are so lethal,
just cause Jerry's dictionary is the size of his ego.
You just some buzzword bitches, you're like foursquare an' Meebo.
We out here spittin' the cure, while you two droolin' placebo.
MIKE:
John Gabe on the record, peel lyrical caps like they' onions,
I'm straight deep dickin' your moms, you in the basement with Funyuns,
Took one for the team though, cause them panties was pungent,
Jerry called me Diablo, the way I raided that dungeon.
PA, motherfucker.
SCOTT:
Now you throwin' up PA like you reppin' the Wu-Tang?
Like you harder than Method on X while he's rippin' some poontang?
But what you don't know, bitches, is that rap is about flow,
And my flow is sicker than slippin' some bamboo sticks in your pee hole.
JERRY:
You trashin' PA? Scott better put it in reverse.
You dicks wouldn't even exist if we ain't step on the scene first.
Your sophomoric rhymes are 'bout as hard as a kitten,
I was pennin' better writtens on the schoolbus in mittens.
KRIS:
You really want to bring up writing? You'll get your ass beat.
Your jokes have been nothin' but stale since Twisp and Catsby.
You merchy motherfuckers are sold out, like Inception,
But I guess you gotta stack that paper to buy your granny porn collection.
MIKE:
You're comparing us to PVP? I don't believe it.
Your Alexa rank is so low I'd need a midget just to see it.
You're totally outgunned, bring your crew if you want to beef it,
Or we'll spank you and give you a time out, like juvenile delinquents.
[A scuffle ensues over the mic, with Jerry pushing Scott aside]
JERRY:
Fuck you Scott, your rhymes aren't worth a chance to reply,
I wipe my ass with your comic when I run outta three-ply.
I'll save you the embarassment of tryin' to come up with another verse.
PA just beat your ass like a tambourine in a Baptist church.
Peace.
my tingler is starting to wear out!
http://www.audioentropy.com/