The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
Please vote in the Forum Structure Poll. Polling will close at 2PM EST on January 21, 2025.
I hate parties
seeeker
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I hate parties. On the one hand they are a celebration of something, people being together. It's a time and place to interact with people in a new way. On the other hand, they are a contrived, stress-filled pressure cooker. Whenever I go to parties I end up standing in the corner watching people. Ido the rounds and chat with people for five or ten minutes, and when that's done I feel like people avoid me. So I end up going in circles. I'm 39, handsome, and I actually don't really have any social anxiety issues. But I am hyper aware of the dynamics and charged nonsense at parties. Everything you say has to be funny! Or exciting! Or witty! Everything you say has to effortlessly lead your conversation partner to an exciting new level of interest and wonder! And if you don't - because somehow the pressure is on YOU, not them, they look at you weird and then you both drift apart. The atmosphere is loaded with gender posturing, glances to see who you are and how comfortable you look.
Not to mention really, really loud music. You have to scream nonsense at people, then you can't hear them so you say "Whaaaaaaat?!!?" Over and over. I'm also talking about loud bars and clubs too probably.
I can't remember the last time I had a great time at a party.
Not to mention really, really loud music. You have to scream nonsense at people, then you can't hear them so you say "Whaaaaaaat?!!?" Over and over. I'm also talking about loud bars and clubs too probably.
I can't remember the last time I had a great time at a party.
seeeker on
0
Posts
What would you like help/advice with? If you don't like forced social situations why not just avoid them?
Or, like Djeet and Gnome said, just don't go.
In fact, I usually avoid the sort of parties that have loud music.
Works wonders!!
I don't know why you threw this in here...like because you're handsome you shouldn't have issues at parties?
I'm not sure what kind of parties you are going to, but they don't seem to be ones that contain a group of some of your friends. You also seem to over analyze things WAY too much, which would be my explanation as to why you hate parties. If you go in with all these expectations of "trying to look comfortable" and having an exciting interesting conversation...then you're already putting to much pressure on yourself and your not going to enjoy yourself.
The whole point of a party is to relax and have fun. Talk about similar interests, etc. If you think you have to do all this stuff, you're not with people where you feel comfortable just being you. And if that's the case...why are you going in the first place?
Then a week later it was, "fucking loves parties."
Meyers-Briggs is not a good test...
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Obviously I could avoid them altogether. But now and then there is something going on that everyone is going to, and you're kind of expected to go to maintain a place in the group. The reason I mentioned "handsome..." not that it matters, I'm just thinking of this particular situation, an upcoming birthday/dance party - where I'm friendly with several girls and they're all asking me "you're going right?" "It's going to be sooo much fun!" And I'm thinking "Ok?" People assume because if I am sometimes charming in one situation that it will automatically convert to being the life of the party or something. I'm more of a people watcher, and I am definitely not the life of a party. Maybe this is an example of the fictitious pressure I put on myself.
I do feel like it's a performance, like the pressure is on me to take people for a wild ride, escalate, flirt, end up getting some girl to do something naughty or something. I'd rather be chatting with someone over a glass of wine somewhere.
Yes I do over analyze. And yes, the parties I ever go to (maybe one a year at most) I usually know like two people, so it's a lot of awkward conversations. It's all in the attitude of course, and my outlook is admittedly quite negative on this subject. Who knows. I just know I've been asked by three girls to be sure I'm going to this party on Friday ("It's going to be amazing!") And I really couldn't give a toss...
That said, if you don't enjoy yourself and would rather be doing something else, by all means do something else.
Be interested in other people.
You should feel free to: not attend, attend but not put in much effort in manufacturing conversation, or if you want the interpersonal interaction but don't want to "perform"much you could change your interaction to one of using questions to draw people out and have them explain themselves in depth. People fucking love talking, especially about their own ideas/perspectives.
Some people naturally have the talent to be "on", and some people have to work at it more. My wife and one of my good friends really come off well at social gatherings (their occupations are naturally "face-time" heavy), and they prefer to be homebodies as they are "on" all the time at work. Myself, I rarely interact with customers, and have trained (well, worked out with) my vendors and colleagues to interact with me via email, so I very much enjoy the human interaction that I get at social gatherings. That said, I only like friends and family gatherings, where the ice need not be broken and we can talk about religion, politics, economics, or whatever else might be controversial without having to feel one another out on the weather or how the major local sports franchise is doing.
Not all parties are equal, and while I like hanging out with friends, I personally know that I don't like loud places and parties based on just "chillin" forever, because I tend to be the odd-man out with my hard-to-explain job, a voice that projects very poorly in loud places, and a difficulty in hearing people well in loud situations. My solution was to organize my own parties/get togethers and when I was invited to hang out with friends I made sure to propose some ideas for activities instead of just "going along."
For this Friday party, just go. Don't act a role, don't try to be the life of the party, don't try to be funny or entertaining. Just be yourself, with a positive spin. Hang out with these woman that pressured you to go and don't assume that others at the party are judging you.
Wallflowers at parties are hard to interact with because their body language says "I'm not having a good time and I don't want to talk to you." Almost anything is better than being a wallflower, even if you're not participating. What kind of party is this? Are y'all playing beer pong or just sitting around or what?
But seriously, don't over think how you look or how others may be viewing you. Who cares? At the best sort of parties, bars or what have you (not the pretentious 'go to be seen' spots), everyone is there to relax and unwind, usually from the exact pressures you are describing (i.e. acting right at work, not telling a customer to go F*** himself, being polite to in-laws, etc.). Especially if everyone is a few drinks in, there is really no pressure at all beyond having fun, which is something you choose to do on your own and then share with others, not something you provide or are given by those around you!
Just in case anyone might toss that aside as a joke response, alcohol is at parties for a reason. Yes, it can be used to get smashed and forget all of your inhibitions, but used appropriately it can take the edge off of social anxiety. A glass or two of wine can be the difference between feeling that everyone is judging you and being relatively comfortable with yourself.
It sounds like maybe you're just not finding yourself attending parties that are really your style. The loud music thing in particular makes me think of those raucous parties from college that were had at the rented house or the off campus apartment and such. What are some of your interests? I would imagine that games and gaming might be one interest given your presence here on the PA forums. Maybe a LAN party or arranging something yourself where perhaps the focus of the party is a multiplayer sort of game be it a video game or board games or trivia.
I find that within my social group whenever we have a get together I tend to pack up my 360 and some multiplayer games and bring them along just in case. Sometimes the party winds up just being a lot of talking and laughing and eating and such while other times being able to laugh a bit as people bash Katamaris into each other or making jokes about how insane the old X-men arcade game is/was turn out to be a good way for folks to enjoy the evening. But that kind of requires a well established and perhaps somewhat static group of friends and acquaintances and party locations conducive to such arrangements.
So try hosting a party if you can or maybe find a party that has a bit of a focus on an activity or interest and get an idea of what your ideal party situation is.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
@Druhim pretty much hits the nail on the head.
I'm the same way man. I like small gatherings; not places were I can't hear a damn thing. In all honesty you think too much. Just go out there or not. No one is forcing you. I'm never inside hthe house at most parties. I'm usually outside bullshitting with technicians.
The method I've worked out that works for me is to always have an escape strategy. My usual MO is to plan to be at the party for about an hour or 90 minutes, and then take off. That means, for example, that I will almost never get a ride with someone going to a party or give rides to people (unless different return arrangements are made), because otherwise I'd have to wait until whoever I was carpooling with was ready to leave. If circumstances lead to me staying longer, then that's great! But taking my parties in small doses really does the trick for me.
And to clarify, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with feeling uncomfortable at parties. I used to be a lot like that when I was younger but as I got older I both found it easier to relate to others while also understanding when I'd had enough and it was time to leave for some quiet time. Nothing wrong with not enjoying big parties. However when you turn that into judging everyone else at the party as being shallow and beneath you because they don't want to put up with your attitude, well that's all on you seeker.
It's a quick in-out type thing, it tells your people "I see that you have invited me to a social gathering and I appreciate that you've done so and I'm interested in continuing being part of your social circle, so thanks" and it keeps you from lingering in a social setting you don't particularly care for.
Alternatively you could simply become the life of the party by bringing the beer-bong. Bonus points if you're the oldest at the party by 15 years.
What I do enjoy is the fringes of parties. I usually end up in the kitchen making drinks, or outside on the porch with the smokers, or on the roof with the roof people. Roof people are the best. People tend to be more chill at the fringes of parties, and if you give yourself a task to do (like bartending or refilling snacks or helping the host or hostess) the pressure of conversation feels reduced.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
People like to talk about themselves.
This is the easiest way to get through a party. Just ask the people you are with about themselves. "What do you do for work? Where did you go to school? What do you think about the local sports team?"
Broad topics to start are great. Then ask follow up questions to keep the conversation moving. "Oh, your an accountant? That sounds great. How do those actuarial tables i have been hearing all about work?" And so on.
If you can steer the conversation to a topic you actually enjoy as well, then you will hit the jackpot and really have a great conversation.
Note, some people are sticks in the mud and will have monosyllabic answers for you... just move on to someone else.
Protip. This works in any conversational setting!
Extra protip. The less you say, and the more you allow them to drone on about their interests the more they will remember you as a great conversationalist!
I am a huge introvert, when i discovered this it opened up a whole world to me. I love meeting people now.
believe it or not people aren't posturing all the time.
You seem to be
that is why you hate parties
Everything you say doesn't have to be a damn thing. Talk about whatever the fuck interests you with people you hope may be into the same thing or god forbid maybe learn about something they like