Divorce problems/Mortgage problems (Look, a yungin!)

VizardObserver

Although I'm not quite sure how far outside the bounds of 'comfortable' you can step out of in the help thread, I assume this is on the level of 'silence in the classroom' uncomfortable. Anyway, Hi. I'm currently 14, which I'm assuming makes me a young person on these forums. Welp, I'm assuming through my highly advanced sense of humor and maturity (the joke is I have neither), my parents have invested a little bit too much trust on me, and, woe and behold, I have to make decisions.

The thing is, it's all coming together pretty quickly, but, we're 3 months behind on our mortgage, so we are now soon going to be in foreclosure so we either sell it and walk away with a small amount of money, or don't sell it and be forced to leave anyway. So that's probably very..detrimental. And to top it all off, my parents have decided that now is probably a good time to do the strange and confusing act of 'divorce' therefore putting me with lots of decisions.
Apparently, since i'm 14, I have a decision in all of this. As in, which parent I get to stay with, and my mom has a miasma of options of where she could live, so now she's basically putting THAT decision on me too, which is a tad bit strange.
I'm just wondering how i'm supposed to deal with this clusterfuck, and how i'm supposed to choose Mom over Dad, or Dad over Mom, etc etc. I can't really just flip a coin or something, and they're both guilt tripping me through the roof. Divorce has turned everything into RIDICULOUS POPPYCOCKY.

Casual

Well that's quite a doozy of a problem there. For a start as far as the financial aspect of it goes your mum shouldn't really be asking you about that stuff, you're 14, you don't know about any of those things yet and you shouldn't be expected to. I'm assuming your mum is an adult since she has a child your age, in which case your answer to those questions should be a resounding "your problem not mine".

As for which parent you should go with, no one here can give you an answer to that. If you're looking for a pragmatic answer, the one to go with would be the one that has the most chance of getting their shit together and being able to provide a stable living environment for you. If only one of the can do that, that's probably the one you should go with. In any case you shouldn't look at his as choosing one over the other. If either of your parents are framing this in that light then they are sucking really badly at being parents.

Since you're being offered a choice I can only assume that custody has been split, so either way you'll end up spending time with both of them. It's just a choice of which one you spend the most time with. In that regard to not be ashamed to act in naked self interest. Go with the one that is best for you, do not allow guilt tripping and accusations of favoritism to factor into this decision.

ihmmy

re: guilt tripping - as hard as it is, you're going to have to tell both of them to back the heck off. My aunt and uncle told their daughter way too much when they were divorcing, tried to pit her against the other, etc. She's ok now, but it took a fair bit of therapy years down the road to settle it all. Parents can screw us up good, alas they're just as imperfect as the rest of the human race.

About who to live with... when my parents divorced they did joint custody of me. I spent every other weekend with my dad and most of the summer with him too. He lived in a different city, albeit only 2 hours away. For me, it was the best of both worlds - my mom was probably the best one to 'raise' me, but I still got to have a good strong relationship with my dad and get his insights into the world too. Is it possible for them to arrange something like that, if you are unable to decide who you want to live with all the time?

Fyndir

Casual wrote: »

Well that's quite a doozy of a problem there. For a start as far as the financial aspect of it goes your mum shouldn't really be asking you about that stuff, you're 14, you don't know about any of those things yet and you shouldn't be expected to. I'm assuming your mum is an adult since she has a child your age, in which case your answer to those questions should be a resounding "your problem not mine".

As for which parent you should go with, no one here can give you an answer to that. If you're looking for a pragmatic answer, the one to go with would be the one that has the most chance of getting their shit together and being able to provide a stable living environment for you. If only one of the can do that, that's probably the one you should go with. In any case you shouldn't look at his as choosing one over the other. If either of your parents are framing this in that light then they are sucking really badly at being parents.

Since you're being offered a choice I can only assume that custody has been split, so either way you'll end up spending time with both of them. It's just a choice of which one you spend the most time with. In that regard to not be ashamed to act in naked self interest. Go with the one that is best for you, do not allow guilt tripping and accusations of favoritism to factor into this decision.

Agreeing with this post by and large, although judging the potential stability of a living environment could be tough, to say the least.

Is there anyone (relatively) neutral in your life you could speak to? Family friends, teachers, maybe your school has a counsellor or similar? Relatives could also work, although could have a bias towards one parent or the other.

Nova_C

When I was 16 my parents split up, but it was bad for pretty much my whole life before then, so it came as a relief to me, so that's probably coloring my response, however:

You should probably choose to live with the parent that represents the least amount of shake up in your own life. That might be selfish, but at this point, I think it's okay to act with some personal pragmatism. Unless you really want to change schools, or friends, or whatever, is one of your parents going to stay living in the same area? I was able to stay with my dad and my life changed very little as a result (Other than the previously mentioned relief).

I will say that at 14 you're in pretty good shape to have this not be bad for you if your parents are mature enough to not act like cocks through the divorce. Everyone's experience is pretty different, though. They may try to play you against the other. My mom very briefly went this route, but I told her straight up I wasn't buying it and our relationship depended on her not trying to sabotage my relationship with my father. That may not be necessary in your case.

Good luck, man. This could be a good thing overall, and here's hoping.

VizardObserver

About the joint custody thing, i'm not sure how easy it will be to do that, because my mom is leaving the state the moment they finalize all the divorce things,but I believe anyway they're trying to hold off until I graduate. I don't particularly like the state that i'm in, a bit too bland and a bit too heavily religious republican for me. If I went with my mom, i would be moving schools/states/friends etc etc, which I wouldn't really mind all that much. I still think it'll be hard to choose what parent over parent, but I probably should back off on the guilt tripping thing. Economically, or atleast the one who has the most chance of grouping their shit into a group that would largely be considered 'together', is a tough choice. My mom, a realtor at the moment, doesn't have a steady job and realty business is really hit and miss, along with the fact that it takes a month or two to get your license renewed in a new state, if I remember correctly. My dad, in the 3 years we've lived in this house, has lost his job 4 times (currently unemployed), so they're both very hit and miss.
And at Nova C, yes, that may be true, but my parents seem to be refusing to unhinge their desire to be cocks about this, and they have proceeded to maximize their cock level to something unseen before by the native public. They spend their time bickering like 4 year olds fighting over candy.
At Fyndir, Eeeeeeeh. I don't think i'd really like to pursue the option of talking to any school counselors or anything. It always seemed a bit strange and uncomfortable.

Casual

Well like I said, any advice we could give you on who to choose specifically would be deeply flawed without a much greater understanding of your situation than it's possible to convey here. Really we don't know your folks well enough to make that judgement. But if moving is something that does actually appeal to you and one of them is moving out of state then that's certainly something that should figure into your decision. Even if you moved away and found you didn't like it, would you have the option of moving back with the parent that stayed put?

Esh

VizardObserver wrote: »

And at Nova C, yes, that may be true, but my parents seem to be refusing to unhinge their desire to be cocks about this, and they have proceeded to maximize their cock level to something unseen before by the native public. They spend their time bickering like 4 year olds fighting over candy.

One thing you need to understand, is that divorce is very difficult on people. Especially the two main parties. This is par for course in many, many situations and you shouldn't look negatively on your parents for it. You're a bit young to really realize what a relationship tearing apart feels like, but you might look back one day and go "Ohhhhh, that's why they're doing all this."

Give them a little slack.

dispatch.o

They're looking for validation by having you choose one of them which is pretty jacked up. How far away do they plan on moving from one another? Honestly at your age I'd go by location more than who you want to live with, 4 years from now and out of school (high school) you'll get to decide "for real" what you feel like doing anyway. Your best bet is to choose the option / location / parent that will give you the best shot at getting through school with the least hassle.

For now, I'd tell them to both back off. What Esh says is the truth, just a breakup with someone you've been living with sucks. It usually happens for a reason. Louis CK says no happy marriage ends in divorce, so much as they tantrum right now, there's probably reasons going way way back you will never know of. Just look out for yourself over the course of the next 3-4 years.

Edit: Moving out of state, to the moon or to another country is bullshit for either of them to do with the responsibility of a child unless they happen to be in the Army or something. Whether or not you "like" the one who stays or goes, whatever you want to call it... stay local until you finish school in my opinion.

MichaelLC

That's pretty shitty of them. I guess it's a good life lesson - often you will not have all the information to make the best choice, but they should be teaching you how to do, not forcing it on you. Having said that, try not to be bitter towards either one; both are probably a mess and don't know what else to do.

So yeah, as said already, go with whichever is going to be the most stable - which may not mean the most money. For example, once your mom gets her licence, she may not be home a lot, as she'll be selling, showing, etc. Where your dad will probably be home more, though depends on why he is unemployed - laid off or his own fault?

As for the mortgage thing - if one of them wants to keep the house, tell them o get on the damn phone with the mortgage lender and try to work something out. Apply for a hardship through one of the programs. Basic info here, or in the sticky on this board.

It's not your fault.

tapeslinger

Wow, that is a tough one, duder. I was in a similar situation when I was in my teens but it was more related to the legal battle we went through (my mum was granted custody of my sister and I and proceeded to move a drunk, crazy jerk into our home... My dad took her to court twice --at my request -- to get custody... My relationship with my mum is better now, but to this day she acts like we were spirited away by the Pied Piper of Hamelin-town for five years where she still saw us at least once a week....)

in any case, there are some issues here... Your parents are supposed to be the ones who call the shots and it has to be uncomfortable for you to be stuck in the position of having to make any of these decisions. I would definitely say you should avoid getting involved in whatever aspects of this you can walk away from.

That being said, I think it is good that you are at least getting the option of picking where you go-- custody hearings are expensive, and emotionally draining, and it never turns out to be a win/win. Court battles make it worse on both sides.

ceres

Do you have any siblings you can maybe talk to?

RadicalTurnip

That sounds like a really sucky situation. If you can get the into the same room, I would lay down some ground rules that they aren't allowed to talk to you about the other parent or the divorce proceedings in anything more than an information capacity. You don't want to hear how terrible he is, or how annoying she is, etc.

The other thing I really recommend is talking to the school counselor...or even a counselor that you won't ever see or meet outside of that capacity...because it really helps to make decisions and to understand situations better if you can talk it out with somebody. That alone is a good enough reason to see a councilor. I know it can be awkward or hard and it has a bad stigma: but it shouldn't. Counciling can and does really help a lot of people, and very very few of them are "mentally unstable". It helps normal everyday people cope with their problems because they have someone to talk to that knows when to just listen, and knows when to offer advice.

SkyGheNe

I'll say this up front - your parents have major fucking boundary issues if they are arguing in front of you, asking you for advice, or guilting you over anything.

It is not your job to sort through their baggage. It is their responsibility to be adults, parents, and diminish the impact this has on you if they want to handle the responsibility of raising a child right.

Don't give them slack - they're being fucking immature.

Esh

SkyGheNe wrote: »

I'll say this up front - your parents have major fucking boundary issues if they are arguing in front of you, asking you for advice, or guilting you over anything.

It is not your job to sort through their baggage. It is their responsibility to be adults, parents, and diminish the impact this has on you if they want to handle the responsibility of raising a child right.

Don't give them slack - they're being fucking immature.

This is pretty normal stuff for people divorcing. Hell, even people just ending a normal non-binding relationship. They don't have "major fucking boundary issues", they're two people watching what they built up crumble to the ground and they're just not handling it very well.

SkyGheNe

Esh wrote: »

SkyGheNe wrote: »

I'll say this up front - your parents have major fucking boundary issues if they are arguing in front of you, asking you for advice, or guilting you over anything.

It is not your job to sort through their baggage. It is their responsibility to be adults, parents, and diminish the impact this has on you if they want to handle the responsibility of raising a child right.

Don't give them slack - they're being fucking immature.

This is pretty normal stuff for people divorcing. Hell, even people just ending a normal non-binding relationship. They don't have "major fucking boundary issues", they're two people watching what they built up crumble to the ground and they're just not handling it very well.

Not handling it well = having major fucking boundary issues.

Basically - by not acting like adults around their kid - they have crossed a boundary typically held between a parent and child. By asking their child to make decisions like that through guilt is crossing a boundary.

A parent, talking to their 14 year old child about their significant other, why they're divorcing, etc. is breaking a boundary. It's not healthy unless both parents are mature adults, sit down together with their child amicably, and talk through it in a healthy manner. This is everything but healthy.

And I think it's completely ridiculous of you to ask a 14 year old kid to be the mature one and "understand" what his parents are going through and allow this behavior (and yes, boundary pushing) to go on.

Understanding behavior is one thing. Excusing it is another matter entirely - he should tell them to shut the fuck up if they start bad mouthing the other in front of him.

GnomeTank

As someone just wrapping up a divorce, with a child involved, I agree with SkyGheNe here. I understand, first hand, that feeling of "oh god, everything is falling apart"...I also know it's completely possible to isolate your child from that as much as possible. My soon-to-be-ex and I don't argue in front of our daughter, and if we catch ourselves starting, we stop and pick up the discussion later when she's not around. We don't share our issues with our daughter, she doesn't need to know. All she needs to know right now is that mommy and daddy still love her, that us splitting up has absolutely nothing to do with her, and that no matter what she's going to be safe and taken care of.

I think SkyGheNe's last sentence is spot on. It's one thing to understand his parents behavior (and I do), it's another to condone (which I don't). Part of being a mature adult is handling situations as maturely as possible, no matter how shitty they are. Involving your 14yr old in your divorce squabbles is not a very mature way to handle things.