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Progressing to the next level advice [friendship to relationship]
anonymooose
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
first i'd like to say thanks to you guys, i posted about a year and a half ago with a pretty serious issue and now it's completely resolved because of what you guys suggested. i'm forever indebted because if i hadn't been persuaded to actually seek out a therapist for, i would still be royally fucked up today.
now to the main point of this thread, and a completely unrelated situation. :P
okay, about two years ago i became friends with this girl. we got really close really fast, but in the first month of our friendship we established that we were only looking for friendship. i, of course, eventually fell for her, because she's awesome, and i think she liked my personality, but i was not physically attractive at all back then. it's just a fact. i was going through all sorts of shit and i was roughly one hundred pounds overweight, so i really don't blame her.
anyway, we get closer and closer, even going so far as me saying "she's like a sister" and her saying "i'm like a brother." at this point i've accepted that we're not going to be together and just enjoyed the friendship.
i left town for six months in august of last year. i went traveling, lived with a few friends across the country, etc. it was pretty great. during this time we stopped talking. i just got busy and so did she. we wrote back and forth a few times but that was it. but every girl i've met on the trip just hasn't compared. i realized that i really, really wanted to be with my friend, however much i had lied to her (and myself) about seeing her as a sister.
cut to one month ago. i get back and we fall back in step like i never left. except physically, at least, i've changed. while i was gone i completely changed my diet and started exercising every day. i lost about ninety pounds and even gained a few pounds of muscle (so that's what biceps look like!). i don't want to sound like a dick but i think i look relatively good now. my acne, which was also an issue, cleared up entirely. for the first time in my life i've had girls hitting on me and it's a really strange thing.
while i've been staying here i've been careful not to act like a "big brother" and fall back into EXACTLY like things were before i left (teasing her, just stuff that would reaffirm the brother role).
so my question is, should i make a move? i'm can't read women for shit. history has proven this to me time and time again. i see what i want to see, so i'm trying not to look too hard right now because whatever i do find will most likely probably maybe DEFINITELY be wrong. i'm just curious if someone's perception can change if the person they're perceiving has changed drastically, too? we get along so well together and i truly believe that it was my looks that proved to be the biggest detriment to things progressing back then (and i'm not bitter about it or anything, people can't change what they find unattractive).
any thoughts on the matter?
now to the main point of this thread, and a completely unrelated situation. :P
okay, about two years ago i became friends with this girl. we got really close really fast, but in the first month of our friendship we established that we were only looking for friendship. i, of course, eventually fell for her, because she's awesome, and i think she liked my personality, but i was not physically attractive at all back then. it's just a fact. i was going through all sorts of shit and i was roughly one hundred pounds overweight, so i really don't blame her.
anyway, we get closer and closer, even going so far as me saying "she's like a sister" and her saying "i'm like a brother." at this point i've accepted that we're not going to be together and just enjoyed the friendship.
i left town for six months in august of last year. i went traveling, lived with a few friends across the country, etc. it was pretty great. during this time we stopped talking. i just got busy and so did she. we wrote back and forth a few times but that was it. but every girl i've met on the trip just hasn't compared. i realized that i really, really wanted to be with my friend, however much i had lied to her (and myself) about seeing her as a sister.
cut to one month ago. i get back and we fall back in step like i never left. except physically, at least, i've changed. while i was gone i completely changed my diet and started exercising every day. i lost about ninety pounds and even gained a few pounds of muscle (so that's what biceps look like!). i don't want to sound like a dick but i think i look relatively good now. my acne, which was also an issue, cleared up entirely. for the first time in my life i've had girls hitting on me and it's a really strange thing.
while i've been staying here i've been careful not to act like a "big brother" and fall back into EXACTLY like things were before i left (teasing her, just stuff that would reaffirm the brother role).
so my question is, should i make a move? i'm can't read women for shit. history has proven this to me time and time again. i see what i want to see, so i'm trying not to look too hard right now because whatever i do find will most likely probably maybe DEFINITELY be wrong. i'm just curious if someone's perception can change if the person they're perceiving has changed drastically, too? we get along so well together and i truly believe that it was my looks that proved to be the biggest detriment to things progressing back then (and i'm not bitter about it or anything, people can't change what they find unattractive).
any thoughts on the matter?
anonymooose on
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yeah, i understand that i could lose her as a friend. i mean, i think we would be able to continue to be friends (though it would definitely be different, as least at first), but there is always the chance that it weirds her out too much or something.
and i know how hard it can be comment on this stuff when you don't know either party.
basically i'm just looking for the answer to the question i posed near the end of my last post: is it possible for a person's perception to change if the person they're perceiving has changed drastically? (of course i don't mean that literally, as ANYTHING is possible, but i just need to know if it's common or if designating someone as "like family" in your head means you'll never be interested most times. i just have so little experience with this).
Everyone is going to tell you to GO FOR IT!
And if it gets weird? It's her fault! And you weren't really good friends anyway if she can't handle it.
That's a bunch of goosery. Ignore those people.
Basically, here's the real story.
Do things seem different? Is she acting differently towards you now? Attraction is pretty easy to read.
You can make the step and tell her how you feel, but be VERY prepared for shit to get weird. It's going to happen or it's not. And if not, be very prepared to lose a friend.
Slow and steady wins the race. These forums will tell you to tear in like a bull in a china shop, but my advice is to take your time and feel out the situation a little. Is it really going to kill you to wait a little bit and suss things out? It'll be pretty obvious after a bit if you should or shouldn't.
definitely. anyone's perceptions can change if things are different. Regardless if it's a drastic change, or a minor one.
You've lost a lot of weight (good for you btw) and have made healthier changes. From what you've told us...since you've both been very good friends in the past, maybe nothing ever evolved because she wasn't attracted to you physically. And since thats changed, maybe her feelings have changed too.
But beware, and take Esh's advise, if you go for it (whether it's bluntly or slow and steady). your relationship will be different and you won't be able to go back to how it is. Some people can't continue to be friends when one likes the other and the feelings aren't mutual. So if you decide to see how she feels, you have to be ok with the fact that the friendship might not continue.
You actually face a very simple decision that seems more complicated only because you're over analyzing the situation.
Except a good friend possibly. Which is way more valuable.
I've been in similar spots over the years, and while I can't say I've dated many friends, nor broached the subject often, it's never led to a crushing loss for me, and a few good times I might've missed otherwise. Personally, I might try a light hearted attempt at snagging a date; playful but sincere. If she balks, be respectful and let it drop. If she seems into it, go from there.
But yes, you need to be aware that you risk losing or at least straining (if temporarily) this friendship. I'm not trying to paint a close interpersonal friendship as potentially 'acceptable collateral damage/consequences', but if you're not a dick about things and are as close as you say, I might ponder giving it a shot too.
That is one of the goosiest things I've ever, ever read.
Maybe for you, but I am not surprised that you feel this way, you actually considers friendship more important than a serious relationship.
Op, go for it.
They're two completely different things and both extremely important in their own way. You don't seem to understand that though and consider women only useful for the one but not for the other, which is genuinely disturbing.
Yep, because it can (and often does) completely alter the dynamic of the relationship. Some people can handle it, some can't. There's nothing wrong with either position.
If you share friends with this girl, there's also the chance of using the power of gossip. Girls ask other girls what boys they think are cute fairly often, and I've sometimes used the "I know Joe likes her, so I'll ask her what she thinks about Frank and Fred and Joe, so it sounds like idle gossip and not like I'm asking FOR someone." gambit to help male friends of mine out. I wish there were a similar habit among dudes, but either it's rarer or all the boys I know are terrible at it.
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Interpersonal dynamics of this nature I think are too nuanced to get much meaningful advice from completely unrelated parties. Shit or get off the toilet. She might need some time and space if she says "no", but you won't lose her as a friend unless you make a point of it.
This is not really a useful argument to have right now so let's not.
Here's hoping that I'm not dense enough to get a "third time" to refer to in one of these future threads.
Anyway, I've had a couple more passive friendships end after this sort of thing, but if its someone you've known for a good hunk of time I'd readily trust the both of you to be able to move past it.
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I'm not saying lie, or never tell her that you've felt this way for a long time, but the weight of "I've been pining for you for years" is a lot heavier than the weight of "Hey, I've made a lot of positive changes in my life, I have more confidence, and I was wondering if you might want to go out sometime." The former is so intense it's more likely to make someone uncomfortable, whereas the latter is positive and optimistic without feeling fraught.
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On the flip side, he no longer views her as "just a friend" but has instead developed these strong feelings for her. If he doesn't do anything, and works hard to view her as just a friend, he will probably have one of two outcomes:
a) fail and continue to pine for her from afar, developing jealousy whenever she enters a relationship and kick himself for not saying something
b) lose interest when he gets into his own relationship and no longer wants to maintain a friendship with a girl he developed a crush on
He could remain friends with her but this doesn't appear to be a simple case of "hey want to give this a shot" but more of a "I've developed a secret crush due to our closeness and now I compare all women to this friend." If the friend remains in the picture, I don't see how he can move on from that situation. He sees this girl as the only one that's right for him.
Anonymoose, I think you need to internally decide whether you want to act (quickly or slowly) to move towards a relationship or whether to decide "OK, I'm keeping her as only a friend, and I must put my relationship energies into other avenues." That said, I believe that now is the perfect time to bring it up, as you've been away for a long time, have changed physically, and are in some ways a new person. Your personality and interests are still, at the core, the same, but you arguably have a fresh perspective on things -- including this relationship.
To me, that also speaks to a perfect justification to bring it up with her. You can state that while you were away, you realized that your feelings for her are more than mere friendship, and that the time apart made you think things differently etc. etc.
I think Esh is also correct with slow and steady wins the race. You don't want to put yourself in the position of losing your good friend unless you have to. If you can test the waters a bit without blowing up a good friendship, do it. And definitely, under no circumstances, say "I've always had feelings for you"...this is real life not a romcom and a many girls would feel a bit weird about that. The entire friendship would seem fake and contrived, and she might think you were just using it as a way to get close to her. If the subject comes up, it's much better to say "While I was away, I started to realize I had deeper feelings for you".