The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Am I overreacting (GF thread)?
Gork
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Background: My girlfriend and I have been together for about three months. She's 30, I'm 29. She has a longstanding tradition with a coworker of hers (like five years or so) that they go to every Friday homegame for our local baseball team. I'm throwing a going away/birthday party for one of my friends this Friday. I tell her about the party a few weeks ago and she says she's coming because her coworker reschedules games all the time to do stuff with his girlfriend.
Situation: Today she sends me an email saying her coworker, "almost cried" (being fascetious, I'm sure) when she said she wasn't going to the game so she's going to go to the game with him and then come to the party after. I'm not pissed because she's going; I'm pissed because she said she was coming and all it took was her coworker whining for me to move to second on the priority list. There are tons more Friday home games to go to this season and this is the first party I've hosted when she's been around. I don't think there's anything going on between them, I just think it's a messed up set of priorities to have in a serious relationship. I'm looking for some outside perspective because I've expressed some doubts to my friends about this relationship, based on a totally unrelated issue.
So am I overreacting here?
Situation: Today she sends me an email saying her coworker, "almost cried" (being fascetious, I'm sure) when she said she wasn't going to the game so she's going to go to the game with him and then come to the party after. I'm not pissed because she's going; I'm pissed because she said she was coming and all it took was her coworker whining for me to move to second on the priority list. There are tons more Friday home games to go to this season and this is the first party I've hosted when she's been around. I don't think there's anything going on between them, I just think it's a messed up set of priorities to have in a serious relationship. I'm looking for some outside perspective because I've expressed some doubts to my friends about this relationship, based on a totally unrelated issue.
So am I overreacting here?
Gork on
0
Posts
It sounds like she's going to still make the party, maybe late? Sounds like a concession you can allow and be moderately rewarded for later.
[I said "sounds like" a lot today]
Though I do wonder if, deep down, you are a little concerned about the GF/co-worker dynamic.
obsolete signature form
replaced by JPEGs.
Otherwise, it's just a thing. I agree with Myth that you're probably more afraid of their continuing dynamic, than being second.
http://www.gamesindustry.biz/
I write about video games and stuff. It is fun. Sometimes.
In any case, Gork, my two cents would be to sit the GF down and calmly point out that Co-worker has rescheduled games all the time to be with his SO, so it doesn't make sense to you that he won't show her the same courtesy. What's up with that?
obsolete signature form
replaced by JPEGs.
Also, like I said, it's not that her coming to the party was important. If she had said initially that she was going to go to the game because that's what she does Fridays, I would have been totally fine with that. We're independent adults. We do things separately all the time. It's that she changed her plans with me after this guy whined that bothers me.
And while I may not like how this guy acts, he's not the one in a relationship with me. It was her decision to change her plans and, ultimately, she's responsible for her decisions in my book.
Anyway, I will let her know that I'm not happy with her decision making process here, albeit in a more measured fashion than I was going to before.
Smart man. Good luck.
--LeVar Burton
Glass half full?
This, Particularly since the co-worker has a history of repeatedly changing plans when it's convenient for him, but apparently threw a drama fit the ONE time that GF wanted to change her plans. The dynamic may not be at all threatening, but it is problematic.
Gork's sitting down and calmly letting her know how he feels will probably make it clear whether the problem is the GF is a doormat, or treats Gork as an afterthought, or the co-worker is manipulative, or whatever, so hoping that goes well.
obsolete signature form
replaced by JPEGs.
If you were asking her to stop doing the game thing with the co-worker entirely because you want to spend every Friday with her, that is one thing.
But this is just one Friday. One. Out of dozens and dozens. No matter how good a friend is, a boyfriend gets priority for a once-off request like this. And in this case, when its just some random co-worker friend with a tradition, you damn well do get priority, period.
EDIT: Disregard all this, didn't read OP properly.
So relax dude, it's just one Friday among many
we're balancing a half-decade friendship against three months of dating
you are overreacting
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Yeah, that is overreacting.
I agree with both Drez and Ceres. In general, you should communicate these things to your GF; though, consider in this instance that she probably has in mind to determine the best that she can do to accommodate both you and her friend. She might also very much enjoy and need her baseball! I wouldn't worry. I say you should enjoy your party with your friends, and later, too, when your GF shows up - she will probably be looking forward to joining you. If she doesn't show up at all, then's a good time to bring it up with her. Otherwise, she sounds like she just wants everyone to be happy. Enjoy the party!
It's taken some long conversations to explain that I'm not upset over the plans, but that I'm upset that I get rescheduled as an afterthought. In your situation, your girlfriend said "Yes, I will come to your thing and be there with you the whole time," and then, 3 days before the event, says that she's changed her mind and is doing something else. In this case, as you point out, it's not that you're upset over the fact that she goes to these games, but rather that she basically told you that she won't attend the game but then changes her mind close to the last minute. If she had simply said upfront "There's a game that friday, so I'll probably show up after the game if it happens," you wouldn't have felt put-out and she wouldn't have had to tell you.
Instead, she said she'd show up for the party and then, rather than communicate that change to her co-worker, she just gives in and changes her plans with you. Again, this also wouldn't have been an issue if the very next day she'd just told her coworker that she couldn't make it because she committed to a party with you.
So yes, I think it's justified for you to feel irked because her actions give the appearance that she will change her mind without considering your feelings. She may just assume "he doesn't really care," in which case you should tell her that you do actually care, and that since you're dating her, you obviously like having her attend things with you and that you were looking forward to her being there for the whole thing. The change in plan is frustrating entirely because you now don't have that to look forward to, and instead you get to play a waiting game wondering when she'll show up (again, because you do care about her and want her to be there, but now you won't know when/if she'll even show up because even though she had originally committed, she's now flaked).
It's a somewhat minor flake but it's still a flake.
Yeah it's irksome, but if this is the first time it's happened, is it worth a fight/argument/whatever? If you feel strongly (and it seems like you do), i would definitely bring it up in a conversation (NOT AN ATTACK) Sounds like she is an accomodating person, and she'd rather give in than listen to her friends' whining, and she figures you will be understanding. We all know what assuming does... Give it a few days, and if you still feel strongly, talk to her about it. Don't let it fester though, especially if she starts making this a habit.
Excellent advice, as usual.
I also would be a bit concerned, not because the co-worker is necessarily threatening, but whether the GF has issues with being assertive in general or having a dysfunctional friendship in general. If my SO was always making accommodations for a friend who took him for granted and was thoughtless, I'd be pretty pissed even if I were 100% positive there was nothing going on.
obsolete signature form
replaced by JPEGs.
I think Ralphie May said it best. "You don't care." Seriously, you don't. Try caring about this one little thing and you'll see how very quickly you didn't care at all about this one party when it devolves into an discussion/argument about who gets to spend time with whom and all that stuff. Just relax, have a good time at the party regardless of whether your GF is there or not and things will be just fine. If things do go the distance with you and this girl I guarantee you that there'll be plenty more times when the two of you go your separate ways and hang out with different friends or attend different events and such.
Good luck!
I look at it this way; take what Eggy said and then apply that you are in a relationship of 3 months. You two are still in that stage of "showing off the best side of me" or "being on my best behavior" part of the relationship. For example...have you or her farted in front of each other yet?
Probably an extreme on the example, but hopefully you get my point. If she's doing this now, its not going to get better when your with each other longer and she's more comfortable with you. If it's bothering you, I'd go tell her about it...good communication is key in any relationship
She could actually want to see the game...
So, then it's the other thing and this? If we're balancing her 5 year friendship with her co-worker and their tradition against your three-month relationship and your party, it sounds like she's doing the right thing.
Also you said she was going to show up to the party eventually. Is it that important that she's there for the entire thing?