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Asking a girl out - Modern Etiquette
Lucascraft
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The short question: By today's standards, with technology and the internet, and facebook and all of that, is it acceptable to ask a girl out over the internet? Or is that still something that should be done over the phone or in person?
The situation (if it matters) in spoilers:
The situation (if it matters) in spoilers:
I met a girl at my job's holiday party over the weekend. She was a guest of a co-worker of mine, but they aren't romantically involved and I have his blessing to ask her out. I added her on facebook, so I've already got that established.
But I do not have her phone number, and that's why I'm unsure how to proceed from here.
Do I need her phone number to ask her out, or is it acceptable to just message her on FB?
One other note: While at the dinner table at the event, I gave myself an "in" that I am planning on using. I mentioned to her that I had not yet seen the new Les Miserables movie, and that I wanted to see it. Her response was that she hadn't seen it yet either, and she too would really like to see it. It's a perfect setup for me. I just need to figure out how to go about asking her...
But I do not have her phone number, and that's why I'm unsure how to proceed from here.
Do I need her phone number to ask her out, or is it acceptable to just message her on FB?
One other note: While at the dinner table at the event, I gave myself an "in" that I am planning on using. I mentioned to her that I had not yet seen the new Les Miserables movie, and that I wanted to see it. Her response was that she hadn't seen it yet either, and she too would really like to see it. It's a perfect setup for me. I just need to figure out how to go about asking her...
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Here's my opinion - It is perfectly fine to ask someone to go out and do something over facebook in this situation. However, I think I would avoid calling it a "date." You don't need to ask for her phone number to ask her, although you should get that if she wants to meet up. Once you've met up for your activity, just be flirty and see how the situation develops.
Don't get all hung up worrying about 'asking her out on a date,' just have fun talking, and suggest something fun to do.
Maybe invite her to a group activity that is going down with your friends anyway if you like.
Where that becomes a problem is when you know a woman well, and have contact with her outside the internet, but still feel the need to resort to it to ask her out. Since that is not the situation here, I say go for it.
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Still interested in going to see Les Miserables? Nobody else I know likes musicals."
Edit: I forgot to mention, there is no need to label this with the tag 'date,' you two barely know each other. Just go hang out and watch a movie together. If she invites along 20 other friends or gives you an excuse why she can't go, then she just wants to be friends.
Spending an hour or two at dinner beforehand to break any tension and then going to the movie would be my advice. That's just me though. I find it incredibly awkward in the company of a relative stranger and not being able to talk.
I mean someone further up said "if she brings friends then its not a date" but that strikes me as kind of an awkward breakdown in communication no? You not knowing what's going on because you didn't ask what you were actually thinking, her recruiting another person as a prop to make her message known. I'd hope communication in western dating hasn't gotten that convoluted.
I would tend to agree with this. If you want to ask her out on a date, just do it. It is much better in the long run, unless all you're looking for really is someone to go see a movie with.
I think the first time they hang out does not have to be a date by any means. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting together one time with zero expectations, in fact, it's a great thing. Why not take that opportunity to get to know each other better without labeling it as anything?
I mean, if the OP is ONLY interested in getting to know her as a potential girlfriend, then sure. Stumble right into it with the "D" word, but hey, possibility of making a new friend as well? Try a different approach.
If things go well, make it clear that you'd like to see her again.
Six months? You definitely shouldn't hang out for six whole months pining and not being clear with your intentions. Hell, I'd say you should be clear after three or four times. Six months is a long time to all of a sudden decide you want something more.
If he can't be clear the first time, what makes you think he's going to pluck up the courage after the third not-really-a-date? If he wants to just be friends with this girl then fine. Friends are great. It's also reasonable to only be interested in a romantic relationship. What's ridiculous is pining after someone forever, making yourself miserable over it, and passing up other possible relationships while you wait for her to "come around."
I dunno, maybe hitting it off with the girl, finding shared interests, and confirming that they both enjoy each other's time?
I mean that would boost my confidence.
The o.p. asked if it's okay to ask someone out over Facebook, given modern societal standards.
I'd say it would seem odd to me, but then I am 30 and old-fashioned. Darn the kids these days with their twitterspheres and their blogoscopes!
Fair enough. I say it's totally fine. Besides, according to his post, he doesn't really have much else in the way of contact info. I suppose that tracking down her number through their mutual friend is an option, but it seems unneccessary and I personally think it has a mildly creepy vibe.
You can still be friends with someone after you've asked them out, shes not going to run screaming at the prospect that he's attracted to her, Its better to lay your cards on the table first and work from there.
Look all, I'm saying is this.
Bad:
"Hey I'm looking for someone to go see that film with me. You up for it?"
Her: "oh sorry, I'm going to go see it with a cousin"
What does she mean by this? Is she actually seeing it with a cousin or is it a polite rejection? Did she even realise he was asking her out? Who knows.
Good:
'Hey, I'd really like to see you again sometime and get to know you better. How about we go see that film together? Or if you've seen it already we could go for drinks at xyz. Sound good?
Less ambiguity. Now you can wear cologne and shit without feeling overdressed. Its a minor thing but I think its important. YMMV.
Your second option isn't using the "D" word. That's what I'm talking about. Though, it is a bit...stiff.
Also, don't wear cologne OP. Lots of girls don't like it and it's better to be safe than sorry.
If the coffee goes well, then ask about a movie. And if she says no thanks to the coffee, there you go.
Edit: Also, Les Mis is super long and a hardcore tear jerker. It even squeezed a few out of me at the very end. So you know, unless you are ok crying in front of this girl on a first date, might I suggest a comedy?
"Friend zone" is not actually a sexist thing. As a female who has been friendzoned by guys, I think pretending it's sexist is pretty stupid because it makes it sound like something only girls do, and it's not. Getting "friendzoned" is something that happens to anyone who is terrible at communication and then bitter later about how terrible at communication they were.
Further, let's keep this thread on topic. The topic of this thread is "How do I ask someone out and is facebook okay?" Some of you are really bad at answering that question. So now that it's spelled out, why don't we go back to answering that question? This is not a request.
why not just go out to the movie then if she seemed into it go out for coffee etc to chat about it
Personally I've always found going straight to a movie for a first date awkward and anxiety inducing. The longer and more serious the movie, the more awkward and anxiety inducing it is. That might just be me though. Your mileage may vary.
As in, "hey look at this funny link/review/webcomic/whatever related to our conversation earlier." If she responds kindly, then you can take it from there. Now, YMMV, but I'm a film buff and often go see movies by myself. If I really want to see a movie, then I'd be like "hey I'm going to watch Ninja Sharks 3D tomorrow if you'd like to join me." That makes it non-committal and less awkward to decline. If she accepts your offer, take it from there.
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Wat. Surely you need to suggest a specific activity? Even if that is just 'hang out'.
If she ignores me or rejects me, nothing lost really, because as others have stated, I barely know her at this point. We hit it off well at the party, and I had an avenue open to me for future contact (the conversation about the movie).
So that's what I did. I asked her to see a movie and get a bite to eat. We'll see what happens from there.
Side note: After having sent the PM to her, I did not feel awkward or ashamed of my method or anything like that. I guess the internet is fine.
You don't have to use the word date, but there should be no ambiguity about your intentions.
On a side note: my rule of thumb with women is to always involve food if possible. Ideally dinner, but in a pinch dessert and coffee will do. Never just drinks or coffee.
Also, other than the movie if the weather is nice a walk is also not a bad way to get to know someone provided it's public and there are some other folks around and it's not too loud. Pike Place Market is great for this kind of thing, plus there's plenty of vendors and shops to spur conversation should you run out of topics; not sure if you have something like that in your area. Same goes for museums if she's into those things but that might be more of a 2nd date kind of thing since it would require a couple hours commitment.
1. Yes it's OK.
2. My experience is that it's less likely to succeed than an in-person date invite.
3. Private message. No wall post. Who would ask someone out over a public wall post? Why would anybody think that was a good idea? Geez people.
4. Making it clear that it's a date reduces the odds of awkwardness. True story from a long time ago:
Rad Girl: "Frylock do you want to grab coffee and then come over to my house and fix my computer?"
Frylock: (OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG OK ACT COOL ACT COOL) "Uh, sure."
Rad Girl: "Awesome! My boyfriend will pick us up at 4."
But, yes, use facebook. Private message. Be clear about it being a date.
This is excellent advice. The trick to asking someone on a first date is to make it about the event and not applying the whole "date" bit to it. A first date is just about spending some time together and seeing if you like each other, so it should be approached that way. If she says "yes" to the invite, then you can ask her more questions when you are out together. You do run the risk of her not seeing it as a date, but that's fine. It's still a first date because you are getting to know each other.