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Relationship of almost 4 years just almost assuredly ended.
Fireflash
Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
So yeah, everything was normal we ate supper then she closed the tv and said she had to tell me something. Said she still loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me anymore. She had been thinking about this for a few days, maybe a week or 2. Said she didn't know what she should do. I remained calm and we talked about this... lots of crying on both our parts while staring at each other. She eventually said she thinks we should end this but didn't wanna do it. She eventually went to bed after we hugged for a long time. Told me we'd talk again tomorrow since we were completely drained from all this and that she wanted me to come sleep in our bed tonight.
So now I'm still up, shaken, alternating between feeling sad and just being in shock in this all feels surreal. My love is still a few meters away, sleeping. Like most relationships it wasn't always perfect, but it was still very good, and to me it felt as the small flaws in our relationship were fading away and our relationship was growing. She's so strong-willed and smart and she helped me so much to learn how to accept and love who I am and how to grow as a better person all these years we were together and now she'll most likely be out of my life.
I can't even be angry with her but it just feels so crazy right now, It's not a relationship that went sour that I could see ending. And even between bouts crying we still somehow had a few laughs like we always do, like it's always been. I just can't wrap my head around this.
I'm afraid of going to bed and waking up tomorrow to face reality.
Sorry I don't even have advice to ask I'm just lost and shaken.
So now I'm still up, shaken, alternating between feeling sad and just being in shock in this all feels surreal. My love is still a few meters away, sleeping. Like most relationships it wasn't always perfect, but it was still very good, and to me it felt as the small flaws in our relationship were fading away and our relationship was growing. She's so strong-willed and smart and she helped me so much to learn how to accept and love who I am and how to grow as a better person all these years we were together and now she'll most likely be out of my life.
I can't even be angry with her but it just feels so crazy right now, It's not a relationship that went sour that I could see ending. And even between bouts crying we still somehow had a few laughs like we always do, like it's always been. I just can't wrap my head around this.
I'm afraid of going to bed and waking up tomorrow to face reality.
Sorry I don't even have advice to ask I'm just lost and shaken.
PSN: PatParadize
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
Fireflash on
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but they're listening to every word I say
Google [site:forums.penny-arcade.com "breakup"] and you will see dozens of threads dedicated to this topic. They're all going to give you very good practical advice, such as cutting contact with your now-ex, focusing on yourself, hanging out with friends, etc. But none of it is actually going to make you feel that much better. At best, it will temporarily distract you. But no matter how you cut it, there is a finite amount of pain that needs to be had eventually, and the sooner you face it, the faster it will dissipate.
There is no sugar-coating it. Something BAD happened. It sucks. The best advice I think I can give you is that it's okay to suffer; own it, don't try to downplay it. Then, after a period of time it's okay to gradually stop suffering. People say that you will eventually get over it, but I still don't believe them. I'm at the point now where I don't actively think about it 99% of the time, but I still feel terribly broken inside if I do think about it.
In computer science there is this idea called computational complexity. Very simply, it's a way of categorizing problems by their level of difficulty. One class of problems is so hard, that no matter how clever we are, or how many processors we throw at them, they cannot be solved any faster than exponential time. They all have this characteristic of computing an "exponential" space, as in you have to try out every possible solution in order to arrive to the correct solution.
The point is, no matter what, they just take a shitton of time, and no amount of ingenuity can reduce them to a simpler problem (this is conjectured, but is not relevant to the analogy). As we are arguably deterministic machines ourselves, we can't do much better either. Breakups are in that category of one of those really hard things you go through in life, that no amount of thinking can compress or circumvent. You will have to suffer through that exponential space, thinking back about all the things that went wrong, what could you have done to fix them, and wondering if this was avoidable altogether. Let yourself do this without judgement. Just binge on all the bad thoughts until you tire yourself out, and then eventually out of sheer fatigue of your "sadness glands" it will stop. That I can promise. Just like most things in our body, it will eventually get tired out.
Use all the social support you have: friends, family, PA forumers. Definitely PM me if you want, and we can commiserate. There was someone here that was really generous about talking to me over PMs, and it really helped to always have someone I can write to even when my friends/family/therapist weren't around.
That is my emotional input from someone who just came out of this situation. I'm going to leave the practical advice part to wiser posters.
I will mention one thing and that it seems to me that nowadays people only stay together as long as they are 'in love' with the other person. Once that fades they move on, and it is rare that it lasts a lifetime. This is in contrast to some of our parents and grandparents that stay out of commitment, loving the other person (but not being in love with them), etc. I'm not really saying either is right or wrong, but to me it seems like most folks today don't give love a chance.
If you're both committed to the relationship, and I think that's the key word here - committed, then maybe there's the option of couples counseling. If she wants to date other people then she needs to make it clear that things are over; and if that's the case, it's time to move on.
I'm really sorry you're going through this man. Hang in there, and there's some really great folks on the boards here that can give some good advice.
If it still does not work out: respec and respawn man, respec and respawn. Not much else you can do.
I know this is no guarantee that things will not end in the near future and things feel shakey right now but at least I won't be going down without a fight.
I can tell what kind of things eroded her love over time, I just wish I had acted and reacted before this terrible wake up call.
I know I'm not always as open as she wants with my feelings, instead keeping things to myself too much and then having a weird uncalled for (from her point of view) reaction that seemingly came out of nowhere. And she doesn't feel like were are a unit enough. A good part of that being because I have these competitive reactions towards her when I shouldn't.
Stupid shit that I should've dealt with a long time ago like:
- Getting annoyed at her when she complains that she doesn't have money, telling her that she shouldn't complain as I'm not and I make less money than her.
- Feeling intimidated and acting odd when she performed better than me in crossfit workouts instead of showing her how proud I am of her (the pride was still within me, but that's not what I was showing.)
It's stuff that I've been trying to deal with by myself over the past few years with her and there's been some improvements but it's hard and it's obviously not flawless otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
She even suggested I go see a therapist a few times in the past, trying to convince me that would help me understand myself and these things I'm trying to fix within me. That going to see a therapist can be a very positive thing even if you're not depressed or mentally ill. But I've always been afraid of making that move. I already intend to call the employee help line when I get to work today so they can hook me up with a therapist for myself.
She's diagnosed bipolar and even had a pretty intense psychotic episode before we met (but hasnt been on any meds for over 2 years now), yet somehow she has a stronger will and seems more mentally stable and in control than most people I've ever met, including myself. She's so good at looking at things with a perspective, which is part of why I love and admire her so much.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
I'm glad you may get another chance at it.
There are probably reasons that don't involve you at all, and are rather arbitrary. And if you are able to look at it objectively you will probably find shitty ways that she's contributing to where you are now. For example, maybe you're competitive with crossfit because she gets off on one-upping you. I was in a relationship with a lot of competition and now I see it was at least 50% her. Maybe she just wants to be single. Maybe it was never that serious for her.
Relationships have to be based on equanimity, once one of you is being treated as "the problem" it can only end very poorly.
I'm saying it as someone who broke up, fixed the relationship after a lot of work, but only to have it destroyed a year later. Really decide that it's worth it for you, because it's going to be an extremely emotionally draining experience. Best of luck.
It's not actually being competitive that is the problem. Maybe the word isn't right. Just that I keep comparing and bringing things back to me instead of just being supportive. Like if she would beat her max weight record, close to mine she would just be happy and proud of herself and tell me, while in my head I'd be thinking about how I'm a guy and thus have a natural advantage and thus should be performing much better than her and thus feel like I'm failing somehow. That would taint my reaction with annoyance. That's not healthy any angle you look at it. That's just an example... the important thing is the general feeling behind these behaviors and why i get these feeling of inadequacies.
And the stuff about not expressing myself and instead reacting wildly when i've built up too much. Even if in the end the relationship isn't saved this will still be an opportunity to better myself for the future. I hope.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
Constantly ask yourself why. If you're angry, why are you angry and why did that make you angry and why are you still angry about it and so on and it starts to get a little easier to explain to people. Asking myself "why?" when it comes to my feelings has helped me evaluate, better express myself and to better understand myself. This may not be the issue you have with it but if it is maybe give the curious child approach a shot. Been helping me along.
Steam | Live
As others have noted, embrace the possibility for introspection and growth, but be careful not to change just for the sake of the relationship. Making changes you do not personally believe are for the best just to salvage the relationship will only create bitterness and eventually land you back in the same place. Sometimes there are good reasons for relationships to end even if it feels otherwise. That said, I wish you all the best and hope you both come out of this stronger for it.
Honestly if she loves you, but is not "in" love with you, I think it's best to just let her go. She has obviously given this a lot of thought and it's not a decision that she made lightly. I don't think therapy or counseling is going to fix this. It's going to hurt. Let it hurt. It will hurt for a while, but it will hurt a little less each day, and one day you will wake up and realize that you haven't been hurting for a while and you hadn't even realized it.
My personal advice is this. Make an amicable break. It sounds like you are both acting like grown ups which is rarer than you might think. It sounds like you could potentially have a friendship after this, and I do not usually reccomend that, however you have to take some time before that can happen. You need to be OVER her. It won't work if you are still in love with her, because it's only going to hurt you both. Don't be afraid to tell her up front that you need some time. If you need time, take it. Then when you think you are ready, wait another month. Trust me.
Everything happens for a reason. You aren't meant to be together, and I know that this feels shitty. That means that you had great times. Just know, not think, but KNOW that you will find someone even better down the road, and you will be better prepared for that fantastic woman because of the relationships that you have had.
OP can either change or not change, bit if she thinks there is a problem then.there is. Whether the problem is he has acted poorly or that they are just not right for each other is up to him to decide.
Writing her off as nuts when she seems to be making an effort to truly express her feelings is the way madness.
but they're listening to every word I say
but they're listening to every word I say
While true, this is a dangerous path to go down on. It's one thing if she brought it up assertively earlier. But, the fact is, she broke up with him. This is not "an effort to truly express her feelings". This is colossal failure to express her feelings until it was too late. That puts him in a really precarious place where all he's doing is trying to "fix" himself, without objectively evaluating the relationship. She is likely to think about it much in the same way. This is a potentially very dangerous mentality to fall into, not just for the relationship, but for his overall mental well-being.
While true, he may be too emotional right now to make an objective call about that. This is the type of situation where I think a break might be a good thing. At the very least, the balance of the relationship has been significantly altered, and you might need some distance to readjust.
I'm only saying this because I went through the "zombie" relationship phase after recovering from a breakup, and my life has been a nightmare ever since. Only now, after being broken up for real a month after the fact, do I feel grounded again in reality. Just tread very carefully, and start reinvesting in yourself in the same way you would if you are single. If possible, I would just take as much distance from this as you can.
Either way, I'm glad that it sounds like you two are going to try and make things work. Hang in there, and be true to yourself. If you feel that there's things that you need to work on, work on them. If there's things that she needs to work on, let her know in a communicative way. If there's things you both need to work on, team up and do them. Hell man, that's what I love about relationships. It's teamwork and two heads are better than one.
The reason that this is probably not the case is that she did not just say 'get help', but 'let's get help together'. Not "you see a therapist" but "let's see a therapist." The difference is HUGE, and means everything.
For sure, I agree. I'm just saying, err on the side of caution. There are some bad liabilities here. While there is no indication of any bad intentions on her part, it could very easily become one of those situations. Stay hopeful, but be conscious of your vulnerability.
Whether it works out or not it would be smart for you two to see a couple's therapist. Given how hard it is for people to end or amend relationships maybe everyone should do that.
Honestly, if she said she's fallen out of love with you, I think that's pretty clear what the future is going to bring. I'm sure therapy could help, but this requiers her to be 100% honest about everything and even then, I don't believe an outsider's reasoning could make her fall back in love with you (if that's what's the problem). Besides that you'll get yourself into a situation where you try to go above and beyond to get back to where you were but this isn't really natural either. Once the thought of not being in love anymore gets in a person's head, it's very hard to get that back in... Or even just enough to be in a healthy relationship. There's a big risk of you ending up in a position where you try and do everything within reason to make her love you again and that's not a healthy way of building a relationship I think.
I've been there, and it sucks really bad. It's hard letting go of something that feels so good for you, but just doesn't work for the other person. Without a specific thing to blame it's very hard to stay rational about this and I could not. It took me a long time to get over everything that happend but like it always goes, I got over it.
It's true that there's no real advice anyone can give you because every situation is different, but please stop to think about what YOU want out of this and how dealing with this situation affects you and the way you are within the relationship.
So yeah last night when she came back from work I was kinda dreading that this would be the case but thing were pretty fine. She had decided our relationship was worth making the effort to bring back the spark. She had felt a bit depressed in the past 2 weeks or so and also last week a close friend of hers lost her father which also added some strain.
She told me that her plan wasn't necessarily to break up with me, but rather that she really needed to tell me how she was feeling. Breakup was a possible outcome and didn't know what to do about it. She told me it felt really good to have gotten that off her chest. She also told me that she was pleasantly surprised at how I dealt with this difficult conversation as before talking to me she was expecting me to shut down and become defensive.
She already called someone so we can schedule an appointment with a therapist together. She's optimist and willing to work this out while still aware that there's no guarantee. So we spent a pretty normal evening and she was being affectionnate as before without it feeling forced or awkward.
The feeling of being in love I guess is something that can sometimes be difficult to keep after you've been many years with someone. Kinda get used to each other and you don,t have the same sparks of a new relationship. I believe there's still a chance to cultivate that love and bring back some of the romance.
As for what I want well.. I want to work on this, I really do. I called to get an appointment for myself. I want to work on myself no matter the outcome of my relationship. It's not about changing just for her and becoming something that SHE wants. These things that I want to work on myself are feelings and reactions that I don't like having and confuse and hurt the people around me. Even if it ends up being too late for this relationship it's still things that I don't want to bring in future ones.
Also thanks for everyone's advice, even all the contradictory perspectives. I particularly like deku's approach to inner feelings!
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
I regretted it almost instantly, because it really wasn't what I wanted in the first place. He was like "nope, give me time." Two weeks later we sat down and really talked about what we both wanted and needed out of things, what reasonable expectations were from each of us, etc. If we could have figured out a way to do that in the first place, it wouldn't have happened that way. Our situation is much more complicated than this one, but I can understand where she could be coming from.
There is a lot of risk here, for both of you. For her, the risk is that this will end with you having trust issues about the stability of your relationship that you just can't repair. For you, the risk is in having that trust that she really wants this, IS looking to work on it, and still wants to be with you in the long term.
I really meant what I said: Do couples therapy (and it sounds like that's already in the works, yay), but also go to individual therapy, for yourself. It sounds like there are things you do that you know are annoying and you aren't really sure why you do them, and things you need to work out in general. Use this time to work on being a better you for your own sake. For example, if being competitive is just who you are, there isn't anything wrong with that, but a therapist may be able to help you direct that into an outlet that is a) a hundred times healthier than what you describe and b) less destructive to your relationships with and feelings toward the people around you.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507