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Engagement ring
psyck0
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello H&A, this is a thread about engagement rings. Specifically, it is a thread about me thinking of asking the question sometime in the next year and wanting to make sure I get it right, but I do not mind one bit if other people want to discuss related things or their own questions or whatever.
My situation is that at some point in the next year (later rather than sooner) I will be probably discussing the prospect with my partner. I really don't know much about it, not having been through this before. The only close friends of mine who have married did so after dating for 8 years, rather longer that us, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. Really, I want to know about rings, and the process of buying them. She wants a diamond (I hate diamonds, but it's her ring and I have no problem getting her what she wants for this. It's also her birthstone.) That's about all I know as far as ring preference. I would like to get one custom-made. It would be nice to do that with her input, but I don't know how to go about getting that. Do I propose beforehand and then discuss what she wants in a ring, and have it made? Do I suggest we go out looking at rings without proposing? Do I ask her best friend? Should it be a total surprise? How did you folks handle it?
We've talked about the topic obliquely and briefly but not very seriously yet. How do we go about having this discussion? The situation is that I will be moving for school at the end of next year, and we have been in a position for a while where it is tacitly agreed that she will be coming with me. We HAVE talked about that part directly.
My situation is that at some point in the next year (later rather than sooner) I will be probably discussing the prospect with my partner. I really don't know much about it, not having been through this before. The only close friends of mine who have married did so after dating for 8 years, rather longer that us, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. Really, I want to know about rings, and the process of buying them. She wants a diamond (I hate diamonds, but it's her ring and I have no problem getting her what she wants for this. It's also her birthstone.) That's about all I know as far as ring preference. I would like to get one custom-made. It would be nice to do that with her input, but I don't know how to go about getting that. Do I propose beforehand and then discuss what she wants in a ring, and have it made? Do I suggest we go out looking at rings without proposing? Do I ask her best friend? Should it be a total surprise? How did you folks handle it?
We've talked about the topic obliquely and briefly but not very seriously yet. How do we go about having this discussion? The situation is that I will be moving for school at the end of next year, and we have been in a position for a while where it is tacitly agreed that she will be coming with me. We HAVE talked about that part directly.
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Then he told me that he had no idea what I was talking about, so I should talk to the jeweler. So I emailed him with the desires that I had and our budget. The Jeweler emailed me back and we went to see him the next weekend. I picked my stones that week and the ring was done in 2 weeks time.
It's a pretty personal thing and I knew exactly what I wanted. I had known what I wanted since I was fourteen. There was no real way that we were going to have a surprise.
Oh, and congrats!
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A big engagement ring is a lovely thing for people with money, but the "three months salary" guideline is a huge fucking crock of goddamn greedy-ass bullshit from asshole jewellers who prey on societal expectations.
You likely cannot go wrong with a round brilliant solitaire claw-grip and a simple band.
If you want to go custom you should have a good idea of the output (be it your conception or hers) before you start talking. They're thare to tell you whether on not your design is feasible/wearable.
If she only wants a diamond and doesn't care about the design, then pick out something you find pretty and that would match her style or interests. Focus on a diamond that is pretty and sparkly, rather than big.
I did not ask for advice from any friends or family, that just was not a good idea in my case, but if she has a super close friend then that could be a good plan for you.
You can get sizing by taking one of her less used rings or a day and getting that sized, can be risky but worked for me.
Things that no one told me that you should think of. What ever you pick out will have to be matched up against a wedding ring later on. The ring i ended up with had diamonds all over it, including the front and back of the ring, this made it very difficult to find a wedding band that matched.
As far as cost, i don't know about 3 months salary. Depends on your salary. I would say, its a big deal, not just some nice bauble you are getting her for Christmas. For me, its definitely the most expensive jewelry I have gotten.
First thing you need to find out is what kind of cut she wants. If she wants her diamond to be a princess cut or whatever other cuts there are out there.
Next is what kind of material for the band. Gold, white gold, platinum, etc. etc.
Then, if you want to really get into the details or she's very specific in what she wants...what kind of setting she wants. I have no knowledge of these.
Last is if she likes extra sparkles. If she's one of those who likes little tiny diamonds around the band, or around the setting itself. Or if she just likes a regular band with the 1 diamond.
I've heard from several different people about "the rules" of everything...like you should spend 2 months of your paycheck (I think it's 2 months...). Anyways, I think all that is stupid. You shouldn't have to spend a certain amount or make sure it's at least 1.5 carats or 2 carats or whatever. Get what you know she'll like and even if it's only a couple hundred bucks it shouldn't matter.
edit: Last piece of advice...if you're worried she might have expensive taste, watch the movie Blood Diamond with her, if neither have seen it
1. Ring style - talk to her. Honestly. This is something that (hopefully) she'll be wearing the rest of her life, so talk to her about what styles she likes/doesn't like, as well as go digging in her jewelry box to find some common threads. I used this to pick the final style, but it was still a surprise when I gave it to her.
2. Diamonds - I personally went the internet route for the diamond, and definitely got a much better stone (Ideal, F color, VS2). If you don't know what those things are in the parentheses, look at pricescope.com . It's where diamond nerds hang out, and they're actually super helpful if you do some reading (there's a ton of good material).
3. Price - spend what you feel comfortable spending, but understand this is supposed to represent a commitment, thus the "2 month's salary" thing, since you shouldn't be slapdash about it. You can always upgrade the ring at a later date.
Congrats!
I was actually adamantly against spending the money on a diamond until he and I decided to get married, as well. But I've never been happier with anyone than with him, and I've never had a relationship as good as ours, and whatever stone we ended up with, I wanted it to reflect that. The diamond I ended up with sparkles in the shade, and going to pick it out is a beautiful memory for me. For me, it really represents him, and us, and I love it.
Of course it's also the single most expensive thing I own, so I mostly wear it on special occasions. There's that factor to consider as well.
My cousin and her fiance went ring shopping together, and that was it. No proposal or anything. She went and pick a ring that she liked and he paid for it.
My friend went for the whole surprise (did it at an event and got on one knee), and brought a simple diamond ring, and they went shopping for their wedding bands together after that.
In terms of custom rings, shop around and look around. Make sure you have a budget and a design in mind. Look at different settings, metals, and cuts you'd like. Also think about if you want the engagement ring to match the wedding band. Some people don't, and some people do.
My advice for designs is to be logical and realistic about it. Think if you want the diamond to be set into the band, or raised (I'm not sure what the terms of the settings are, but I hope you understand what I mean).
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Best of all worlds.
I wanted to do a real surprise on the ring, but that's ludicrous. You want to drop a lot of money on a ring without her consent and you want it to be perfect - but you kind of need her input to do that.
What I am going with is a pretty traditional ring from a dealer with a good return policy. If it's not perfect, just exchange it for what she wants. Alternatively, I've had a few buddies who got good mileage about proposing with a simple platinum band placeholder ring, then going shopping later for her hearts desire.
I highly recommend brilliantearth.com for certified non-conflict diamonds if your lady is into that sort of thing.
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Yes. This also somewhat depends on the type of person she is, so just do what feels right. When you love each other, it doesn't really matter if it's a surprise or not, though the playful torment of them knowing you might have something and not saying anything is fantastic.
My wife's is in an antique setting. It's a sort of half-open box with heart designs on the side and the diamond on top. They still make similar things, they call it filigree, though it's usually not as heavy as the antique ones are. They have the added benefit of making the stone look bigger than it is. If she's the type that'll be shoving it under every nose that will look at it, or has friends who will likely obsess about the diamond's size, that's a plus.
Another option that's been mentioned on the forums a few times is moissenite/berzelian. It's a silicon carbide crystal with a similar molecular structure to a diamond. It's the second hardest substance known to man, it's optical qualities exceed diamond's (it sparkles in the same way but brighter), it's ethically produced and not monopolized or artificially priced. Most non-professionals can't tell the difference - it doesn't have any of the giveaways people use to identify fakes*. Many who do know the difference think moissenite is the more attractive stone.
*-that sentence is not to imply, and I can't stress this enough, that you should try to pass it off to her as a real diamond. That's always something that will eventually backfire somehow, even if it's ten years from now and she gets it resized after having three kids and the jeweler comments, "That is a fine carbide there. Almost looks like a real diamond."
For those of you who discussed marriage and the ring explicitly like @ceres, how did you have that conversation and still keep some romance/surprise? How do you get onto the topic? We have talked around it but never had the frank discussion and it is certainly intimidating to bring up.
Some girls definitely want to be surprised, and definitely want you to have a ring ready to go. I... am not that person. We had talked about marriage not from the standpoint of a wedding and filling out paperwork, but just spending our lives together. The "m" word is kind of a big one for some people, and breaking it down into "I want to spend the next 10/20/40/all of the years with you" tends to be a bit more approachable. That kind of topic will probably lead into a discussion of marriage at some point or other, and can help give you a feel for what she's thinking about it.
Those diamond trade objection conversations are good! Maybe have one more, and use it to your advantage in getting a good description of what she's looking for in a ring. If you play it right you can wrangle information about everything from size and quality to what kind of metal and setting styles she prefers from that one conversation. If you're really subtle, you might get it by her and have enough information to pick one out yourself, which would be pretty damn impressive.
http://boonerings.com/stone-settings/venus.htm
and there is a _lot_ of sparkle in the stone because light can get to it from all directions. He has a lot of other options, though:
http://boonerings.com/stone.htm
The issue there is sizing, because they can't be re-sized after they're made, so you'd need to get that information one way or another -- but he's a super nice guy to work with and there are pretty much infinite options for customising it one way or another, or using the other metals he works with, etc. (I'm not associated with them, just a happy customer)
We had discussed the prospect of living together forever, and family and stuff. We were basically married already to be honest. We had merged our finances and were already living together. (Although actually being married turned out to be quite different then playing at it!)
But the romance of the moment is really in how you build it. Event though we had discussed it many times, the actual moment that i proposed, and the way in which i proposed was defiantly a surprise and was full of romance that was meaningful to us.
Oh also, one more thing. I had worked long and hard to pick the ring and make the proposal special. I though, afterwards "that's it... we are engaged." But that is not it, that is the only the beginning... because then comes planning the wedding. And, while all weddings are different, if your wife wants traditional things, you are in for a lot of new and exciting experiences as you plan what is essentially a huge party for all your friends and family. A party she may have been planning in her head for some time now.
Depends on your partner of course, but you'd hope the proposal generated enough excitement to fill the next few days whilst you picked up the perfect ring together.
There was a bit of time spent online researching diamond terminology and ratings so I could try to speak intelligently when looking at the stones. Admittedly, shopping for the diamond was a lot of fun and after awhile I could tell the differences in color and clarity between the diamonds they showed me. The only thing I regret regarding the experience was my answer to the first question of, "What's your budget?" I should have started ridiculously high just to see what their best diamonds looked like and then waved it off as being too gaudy.
If you are getting a wedding band, consider finding out if there is a matching band for the engagement ring. After picking out the proposal we went looking for the matching band and were surprised that there wasn't one. Thankfully, the employee was heading to a trade show and kept us in mind to find a band that would work.
Side story:
I had a coworker who was in a committed relationship and certainly planned on proposing to his girlfriend. However, she was far more anxious and each time she brought it up he would put his index finger and thumb into an open pinching position and then reduce the gap a bit. It was basically his joke that each time she brought it up, he was going to shrink the diamond's size. Wish I had used that. Haha.
Let's not just talk about the icing, when determining if getting married is a good idea you should be talking about debt, religion, and kids. If you 2 don't see eye to eye on those you're in for problems.
It sounds like you've had enough talk with her about marriage in general and how it relates to the diamond industry enough to know that she would like to get married too. Now you're just working out the details of the ring. Right?
This is the route I went - I got my fiancée a sapphire, low cost engagement ring because she'd mentioned offhand at one point that she really liked sapphires. As it turned out, I (supposedly) picked the perfect ring and she's more interested in what I got her that resetting the family diamond I inherited. You never know.
Regardless, inviting them to be part of the ring selection process is a pretty huge win with the right audience.
I used that session to build my idea about what I wanted to get her. I happen to dislike the diamond industry, as well, so I bought a Canadian stone from Brilliant Earth and had it set the way she likes. Then I planned out the exact specifics of where, when and how I was going to ask her -- after dinner, I acted like I'd spontaneously had the idea of going out with her to grab some dessert, for we'd none in the house, and while we were out for six minutes, ten of my friends showed up, dug my spare key out of a slick, and filled the apartment with a rose petals and a candle for every day we'd been together. They also got a bottle of champagne I'd hidden away and put it in a silver ice bucket by the bed, and then they vacated out the back when we drove up.
I'm glad they didn't accidentally burn the place down, apparently they used a kitchen blow torch.
So she had a general idea about what the ring was going to look like and all, but she hadn't seen the exact stone or setting yet, and she didn't know anything about the set-up for me popping the question until she opened the front door when we came back with our baklava. As far as what you should do, you know your lady better than anyone. That's how I did it, and it might work for you, but I don't believe there's any such thing as a "best practices." It's all about what works for you.
You should really have some general conversations before you decide anything (which it sounds like you've maybe done). You should probably know whether or not she wants to get married, and you can usually tell without having to come right out and ask. Also you should try and get an idea of what she is thinking about the ring; not only what types she likes, but also what she expects in terms of picking it out herself, or being totally surprised.
This is what I did and some of it was good, some of it was bad. I learned a bit about her style by asking about what kind of jewelry she liked (the implication being that I was thinking about a birthday/christmas/whatever gift rather than engagement ring). You can learn a lot this way. Including whether or not she generally likes jewelry gifts, or if she finds that her favorite pieces are generally the ones she picks out herself. My wife likes her own stuff so I proceeded a bit further and had a few conversations where I straight up asked if she'd ever thought about what type of engagement ring she'd like. Turns out she had a specific one picked out. In this case I played it off like I might want the information down the road but I wasn't sure yet. In that sense I hadn't really changed anything since she obviously knew I was thinking about marriage but wasn't sure yet (because we had a few conversations about it). I can attest that this will probably be successful in keeping the element of surprise. I can also attest that it's not a great idea to then postpone any further talks about it for 6ish months. This can lead to your SO thinking that you must have decided by now, and the lack of a proposal can not be good news.
That being said, even though I put my wife through all that worrying to keep up the surprise, it was mostly unimportant in terms of the actual proposal. How you do the proposal will have the most impact on whether or not they are surprised. You have a conversation and decided together to get married, but tell her that you are going to wait to propose, and it can still be very surprising/romantic.
So I guess my suggestion is be not so subtle about your intentions, and ask some leading if not straight up direct questions about what she wants/likes involving the ring. Then turn around and do something completely unexpected for the proposal.
I also highly recommend having a discussion with your (hopefully) future-fiancee, possibly not even about what kinds of rings she'd like but more about the 'do you want to be totally surprised / would you rather do these things as a couple' question. I know in my case that my fiancee would probably in theory have preferred a surprise, but a) she was also fairly picky about what styles she likes, and b) I quite honestly wasn't comfortable spending that amount on something that I wasn't confident she'd like. In the end, we went ring shopping together, and it was quite honestly a really fun experience, and one that looking back I think we both enjoyed and wouldn't have traded for a bit more surprise.
The other option with something like that is that you can pick out the ring together, but like SammyF (or myself - see link in my sig) go a little more surprising with the actual proposal. I think the 'pretend you're just shopping but then propose in the store' idea is really silly - just go physically pick up the ring by yourself, and then you can hold onto it for however long you want to set up something that actually fits the two of you and your personalities.
We had a fairly good experience at ShaneCo (a Jared/etc chain store, but the ring came with free lifetime warranty & cleaning service)... we also looked a decent amount into lab-created diamonds (they're actual diamonds that are man-made, not cubic zirconium - there's a few websites that have them (http://d.neadiamonds.com/ is one that I'm actually looking at for my marriage band), but watch out for scam websites that have fake diamonds), which fit us well (both scientists), but in the end it was more worth it to us to be able to physically see the setting and the diamond than to buy it sight-unseen online.
Best of luck!
As for proposals?
hah. Ours is certainly unique. After we went and picked up the ring (the jeweler called ecco and then emailed me to let me know that it was done, including a photo of it which of course made me cry instantly), I tried it on to make sure it fit. and then I handed it back to ecco. or tried to. he told me to keep it on. So I did. He hadn't 'officially' proposed yet, although the jeweller was like 'well there's some great little cafe's just down the street, good food and a great setting', but nope.
The actual proposal came three nights later, as we were getting ready for bed. Ecco was laying on the bed, almost half asleep and he was all, "I give up. I have been trying to think of some way to surprise you with a proposal, but I can't. So would you like to marry me?" I said "yes" and that was it.
But we'd been talking about getting married probably before I even moved down to new zealand to be with him. It was in the long term plans. I move to new zealand, we live together for a while, and if it worked how we were positive it would, then we'd get married. But I'm very much like ceres in that I like to discuss these things. Surprises and shocks are not a thing, and I knew what I wanted. The only thing different about my ring than the one that I had designed as a little girl is my center stone. In all my original fantasies, my center stone was a sapphire. In my reality ring, it's a citrine. And I would never ever trade it for anything.
If your lady is the kind to want the surprise, then surprise her. Ask her with a small band and then go find the perfect ring. Or find the perfect ring and ask her with that. Try to not overthink it, would be my next bit of advice. Because, i think, if you overthink it too much, it will become a chore instead of you doing something that you want to do for your lady. And that's not fun for anybody.
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The reality is that those certificates are almost meaningless.
http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2013/01/02/rough_cut
We actually ended up deciding to sell that ring to put towards buying a car! hah
So yeah... while the first proposal was more of a surprise I would have rather he just got a plastic ring as a placeholder and had us go shopping together.