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Sister Problems + Pregnancy + Venting
Venting?
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I recently found out I was pregnant. Besides telling our parents, my husband and I decided to wait until our first ultrasound (11-ish weeks) to tell people. That being said I was having a hard time not telling my sister (twin) and told her earlier this week (I'm about 8/9 weeks along).
Her first reaction was "Oh my god! That's terrible, like that is the worst thing...Are you going to get an abortion?". The reason for this reaction is that my husband and I have had some problems in the past (evidenced by my past H/A posts); she has always wanted me to divorce him and they do not at all get along. That being said, we are 30, financially secure, responsible people who love each other. Thus having my twin sister ask if I'm going to get an abortion sucks balls. This conversation continued on from there, she maintains that she just wants the best for me and for me to "live to my full potential", but overall, the conversation bummed me out.
Cut to the next day...in an effort to make some amends my sister called again and said essentially (paraphrasing) "Okay, I guess since you're pregnant and won't be able to do anything after you have the baby we should make plans to do all the things you want to do in your life in the next seven months." She then proceeded to list all the things she thought I should do and trips I should take. During the conversation her phone disconnected twice and when she called back the third time, I wasn't especially pleasant. Her reaction was "Geez, don't be such a bitch when I'm trying to help". We ended the conversation. She sent me a text "what do you need?" I sent a text back "Less stress; you are stressing me out." To be honest I did have very mixed feeling when I found out I was pregnant; I know my life and my marriage is going to change more than I can imagine. I know there are things that I thought about doing that I probably won't be able to do now. That being said I really want people around that are going to ease the stress/ be positive.
All in all it makes me want to cut off contact with my twin sister while I'm pregnant. How do I get her to see that what she's doing isn't helpful?
Her first reaction was "Oh my god! That's terrible, like that is the worst thing...Are you going to get an abortion?". The reason for this reaction is that my husband and I have had some problems in the past (evidenced by my past H/A posts); she has always wanted me to divorce him and they do not at all get along. That being said, we are 30, financially secure, responsible people who love each other. Thus having my twin sister ask if I'm going to get an abortion sucks balls. This conversation continued on from there, she maintains that she just wants the best for me and for me to "live to my full potential", but overall, the conversation bummed me out.
Cut to the next day...in an effort to make some amends my sister called again and said essentially (paraphrasing) "Okay, I guess since you're pregnant and won't be able to do anything after you have the baby we should make plans to do all the things you want to do in your life in the next seven months." She then proceeded to list all the things she thought I should do and trips I should take. During the conversation her phone disconnected twice and when she called back the third time, I wasn't especially pleasant. Her reaction was "Geez, don't be such a bitch when I'm trying to help". We ended the conversation. She sent me a text "what do you need?" I sent a text back "Less stress; you are stressing me out." To be honest I did have very mixed feeling when I found out I was pregnant; I know my life and my marriage is going to change more than I can imagine. I know there are things that I thought about doing that I probably won't be able to do now. That being said I really want people around that are going to ease the stress/ be positive.
All in all it makes me want to cut off contact with my twin sister while I'm pregnant. How do I get her to see that what she's doing isn't helpful?
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Done in conversation #1.
Minus the cutting off contact bit, just editing this sentence a bit and telling her that should be enough to get your point across. If she doesn't respect it, well, that's her problem and you might want avoid her until she gets sensible.
Given this part of your post, it seems that her position can be understood as well-intended, and perhaps even reasonable.
Instead of telling her to stop saying X, you might take her concerns seriously, and have a conversation with her about why you are happy about the pregnancy, why your past problems are solved, and why your future-with-baby is appealing, rather than something that quashes all your other hopes and dreams.
If you want her to be positive and supportive, you might want to give her some reasons for why she ought to be positive and supportive. It's sensible for you to not want stress, and to want support, but it doesn't seem like she is imagining non-problems for the sake of irritating you. Rather, she's assessing problems for the sake of trying to help you.
Maybe appreciate her concern and the fact that she isn't telling you what you want to hear, because she cares about you. I doubt that she's simply trying to piss you off.
I've never really been looking to have one big mother earth gaea love-in about it or anything, and I'm pretty antisocial and so largely shielded from it... which makes it all the more jarring when I DO talk to somebody, mention something I ate the other day in conversation, and am treated to 30 minutes of YOU ARE DESTROYING YOUR CHILD'S FUTURE.
No I'm not, fast food one day isn't going to hurt anything, and anyway it's really not your business so shut the fuck up. And if I decide I want to give birth in a sub-Saharan poophole with extra fleas for effect and added bacteria or whatever, you can't do anything about that either, so you may as well stop being a huge wad about it because it is just making me hate you more.
I could use to vent too, I guess.
I guess that my actual advice is that if you want your baby you should do your best not to let people bring you down about it. They will try. They will present you with every awful birthing scenario casually, tell you about how awful life is going to be, how it's going to be all crying and diapers and your life is ruined forever and you will lose yourself as a human being. One of the worst things to realize when I started hearing it is that I've probably done this sort of thing a hundred times without knowing what it felt like to be in this position, and how worthless that kind of thing is.
And the thing is, they don't know your baby. YOU don't know your baby yet. Everything could be awful I guess and your baby might cry 24/7, but I've also heard a lot of moms say "you know, my son wasn't a cryer" or "my daughter had some trouble for a few months but it got better and then really she slept most of the time" and EVEN the rare "my baby has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 weeks old, it was amazing." And if your baby IS a cryer, well.. hopefully you can make the best of it and come out the other side, sanity intact, but no amount of dick-talk is really going to prepare you for that or make it better in any way.
This is something new for you. Other peoples' experiences will not necessarily be your experiences. Know yourself and your husband and what you can reasonably expect from each of you, and make your decisions based on that. If your sister doesn't like your husband.. well.. that's kind of tough shit. She didn't marry him, you did. If she's going to take the tone with you that your life is ruined, she's not going to be a fun or positive person for you to be around, and what's more there is a good chance that over the next 7 months you may be pretty fucking tired and not want to run around with her all over the place just because she's decided that your life is almost over. For her to say what she did to you in the first place is pretty awful. Decide what your boundaries are with her and draw them clearly, even if it's just "If you can't be happy for me then I need to not talk to you for a little while." Exactly what those boundaries entail is going to be personal, but positivity about this when you can have it is going to be important.
As a side note, if you haven't worked out some of those issues with your husband, now might be the time to get on that simply because it will probably be easier to do now than later. If you have, good for you, because it's usually not an easy thing to do.
Rather, you seem to be overlooking the beneficial aspects of what she's doing. She cares enough about you to pay attention to your life, remember past difficulties, and discuss your current situation in relation to those past difficulties in order to potentially avoid difficulties in the future.
That is a good thing. Anyone can mindlessly say, " Babies are great. Woo babies!" Your sister is actually treating you like a human being about whom she cares, rather than acting like a yes-person.
My wife had some friends like this, that basically didn't know what to do with her when she was going to become a mother. I had some friends a little freaked out, too.
I think she's trying to be cool about it, but doesn't know how. Give her a thing to do for you that is in line with something you'd want her to do. Ask her to start helping you shop for something, or round up addresses for baby show invitations or something.
The flip side is that my guy friends couldn't figure out how to support me in having a kid - they were all single dudes, essentially - so they decided to throw me a baby shower. Except it was all golf and steaks and a Tecmo Bowl double elimination tourney. It was really touching.
Parenthood is hard, and will stress all your relationships. But its totally worth it. The things you'll miss are 1) easy travel, and 2) eating at nice places whenever you want. A non-stressful trip is a good suggestion - you just won't realize how good a suggestion until next year
It's also normal to have mixed feelings and apprehension when you find out you are pregnant. Hell - my wife and I were actively trying to get pregnant for several months, and the first few times we got negative pregnancy tests I'll admit I felt relieved. When we got a positive test, it took a while to wrap our heads around it, and we had been closer than ever for months, talking and planning for a pregnancy, etc. So it's normal to feel the way you do / did. I still feel some guilt about not immediately being rainbows and unicorns when I found out, but it doesn't mean I would ever think of changing it.
Something else to keep in mind is that we all can forget that some of the people we are closest to, the ones that we vent / talk to when things are bad, sometimes get a skewed picture of how we actually feel or what's going on. People fight - it happens. We go through hard times in our relationships. Sometimes, people on the outside that we go to only see the bad / hard parts, and don't see all the good or wonderful things.
As annoying and difficult as it can be, be glad that you have someone close enough and who cares enough about you that she was open and told you what she thought. Also, it seems like once you told her how you feel, she was right onboard with you. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her that you have a lot going on, you are glad she wants to be part of it, but having a baby IS one of those things you want to do to 'live up to your potential'. Things may change, but it won't keep you from being able to do (some of) the other things that you want to do with her down the line, so there is no need to cram a lifetime's worth of plans into an already busy 7-8 months...
This sounds like a "best intentions" sort of thing from your sister, which can be hard to deal with because, in her mind, she is being helpful.
That said, you recognize that her concerns have a basis in reality, so considering that children do put an extra strain on a relationship, it may be worth talking about what steps you are taking to prepare the relationship and to communicate that you understand the potential challenges to the relationship, are addressing them, and now that that's done let's geek out about how awesome this kid is going to be because, regardless of what happens with the relationship, the kid is still going to be pretty awesome.
Basically, separate the idea of the child, which is a part of you which I am fairly sure your sister loves, from the idea of the relationship which she is less fond of. Cutting her out is only going to create stress, especially if you two are close. Furthermore, if you want your sister to be a part of this child's life, which I assume you do, then you two need to work this out anyway, and so better to get it out of the way.
Also, its worth addressing this idea that "life ends at childbirth" for the parent, which is silly. Becoming a parent is an important part of who you will be, sure, and it will take up a lot of time, especially at the beginning, but it certainly doesn't replace who are you or cut you off from other opportunities in life. In fact, it is super important that parents make the extra effort to have time, hobbies, goals just for themselves, which, from everything I have come to understand, will make that person a better parent due to being less stressed and happier. Many of my best students are parents and having children has only enhanced their motivation to accomplish their dreams.
My sister and I talked last night and I feel a lot better about things. She's happy that I'm pregnant since I'm happy, but she still doesn't like my husband. So we talked about that issue and overall I feel a lot better about things.
I am planning a major trip this summer that I know would be really hard with a baby which makes me feel good. Thanks again.
The funny thing about that is, well... she's out with my niece constantly. Granted, she was staying put for the first three or four months, but once Molly was cleared for her car seat and my sister figured out how to strap her in, my niece saw more of this corner of Michigan than most local infants. She's been to Battle Creek, visiting me here at my apartment, off to visit grandma and great-grandma... I think she might even take her to Chicago to meet her other great-grandma this summer.
I guess the short of it is, if you're willing to take the needed precautions, you might have a few months of downtime, but after that, as long as you've got the bag packed and everything ready to go, the sky's the limit. Go shopping with her, go out to lunch with friends, go browse a farmer's market or what have you. Introduce the world to them for the first time.
I can has cheezburger, yes?