"At least you don't have a kid" ...Awkward...

Spectral Swallow

Yeah, so I've started seeing this girl, and she knows I was married, and divorced. But I never brought up my estranged son(as in, I've never seen him, by both my wife and my choice), so today she's talking to a friend with me there, and the topic gets on to marriage, and she says: "At least you don't have a kid". I didn't confirm or deny anything, but later on she was talking about "Just always be honest with me." Now we've only hung out, and our first REAL date isn't until Friday(woo for ice skating). I know I have to tell her about bastard child eventually, but what's the proper etiquette here?

Bama

I say bring it up the next time you two are alone. Just say you didn't want to get into it when you were hanging out with her friend. If your son really isn't part of your life, I don't see how it will be a big issue.

Omnicron9999

Honesty = Best Policy.



Wait for a time during the next date that just feels right. Lay it out, tell the truth, be honest about why you didn't say anything earlier (tell her you're at least a bit interested).

Honesty is important, and it seems to be moreso with her. Go with it.

EDIT for clairty: I mean interested in her, and that you didn't want to blow it so early. You don't have to say I love you, just "Hey you're cool, I didn't want to scare you." Or something along those lines.

Hooraydiation

Bama wrote: »

I say bring it up the next time you two are alone. Just say you didn't want to get into it when you were hanging out with her friend. If your son really isn't part of your life, I don't see how it will be a big issue.

Whether or not it's a big issue is largely dependent upon whether or not she sees it as a big issue.

And honestly, I don't think intimate details of your life need to be revealed early on in a relationship. That's not to say you shouldn't, but rather that there's no obligation.

If you chose to wait, chances are she isn't going to remember the time she off-handedly mentioned the word "kid" and then call you a liar by omission. And if she did, she's crazy.

matthias00

Yeah it sounds like she is more glad that you don't have to RAISE a kid, rather than glad that you have never created one.. Shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Bama

Well yea. I guess I should have said "I don't see how it could be a big issue to her." I mean, it's not like it's going to have a practical effect on the relationship. I suppose it reflects something about his character that she could find undesirable (note: I don't think this), but it's best to go ahead and address it since it has already been brought up.

Doc

She is going to find out eventually. I'd tell her just to get it out of the way. It's only going to get weirder with time.

HiredGun

Do make sure to bring it out at an appropriate moment, but don't waste any more time than you have to. Doc is right, the more time that passes, the more disorienting your revelation will be for her.

I think she probably will remember the 'kid' comment from earlier, and I think it's best if you bring it up yourself. Just be honest: the fact that a third person was present is a perfectly reasonable excuse for you not telling her right then and there.

Wezoin

Also, I'm sure there's a good reason you aren't involved in your son's life, but you may want to make sure that thats obvious when you tell her. You don't want her thinking you just go around knocking up different girls and leaving them or something shady like that.

witch_ie

Well, you asked about the etiquette when telling her. I think, since you're going ice skating, you should wait until later in the date when you're maybe sipping hot chocolate or something - somewhere you can have a somewhat private and relaxed conversation. Then, preface it by saying that you need to talk to her about something serious or something to that effect. That way she knows that you take the subject seriously and that you wanted to make a point of talking to her about it. Once you get into you should say most of the things other people have mentioned about not getting into in front of her friend, about the situation (you're not a dead beat dad - it was a mutual decision). You should also talk to her about your plans for the future regarding your son and your attitude towards children in general. These are things that she's going to wonder about, so if you anticipate her questions up front, it will make it easier.

LondonBridge

Telling her you have a kid could be bonus. A lot of girls like single Fathers as they know their fish can swim.