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Return of the Awkward Thread: Fremdschämen's Revenge
Veldrin
Sham bam baminaRegistered User regular
Sham bam baminaRegistered User regular
So we just recently got a new executive director at work, who I report to. I have various outstanding matters that I needed to get her up to speed on, so I called her office first thing this morning to organise a meeting. Now I don't do too well on mornings as it is, and last night was pretty awful sleep-wise so I was only about 40% cognisant at the time of the call.
All I needed to say was "Hi Vicky, I was hoping to get together for a few moments this arvo to go through these matters." Simple. Super simple. Nope.
ME: “Hey Vicky, I was hoping to get together (*brain freezes*) to borrow your… ear (wait, what) for, uh, some (Minutes? Seconds? Oh gosh. TIME. Say TIME.) sec… s… (fuuuuuuuuuu-)”
*several eons pass*
HER: “To… go through the hand over of matters?”
ME: “……yes.”
I’m now contemplating sending my colleague in my stead and/or throwing myself down a few flights of stairs.
TL;DR – Asked to have sex with my new boss’s ear.
Hello SE++, how awkward has your life been lately?
Mandatory Nedroid
All I needed to say was "Hi Vicky, I was hoping to get together for a few moments this arvo to go through these matters." Simple. Super simple. Nope.
ME: “Hey Vicky, I was hoping to get together (*brain freezes*) to borrow your… ear (wait, what) for, uh, some (Minutes? Seconds? Oh gosh. TIME. Say TIME.) sec… s… (fuuuuuuuuuu-)”
*several eons pass*
HER: “To… go through the hand over of matters?”
ME: “……yes.”
I’m now contemplating sending my colleague in my stead and/or throwing myself down a few flights of stairs.
TL;DR – Asked to have sex with my new boss’s ear.
Hello SE++, how awkward has your life been lately?
Mandatory Nedroid
Veldrin on
+42
Posts
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
i am enjoying the last, solitary laugh
He just shook his head slowly and then rolled through the green
this means an hour and 45 minutes on the bus, over 3 bus rides
the second bus between counties is hourly and i got there a little early so i went to a restaurant
came out, saw the bus pull up at the station, walked up and it drove away
i ran after it hoping it would stop a bit further down the main street where it normally does but nope it just drove off and i had to wait an hour in fucking freezing weather
haha yeah
always friendly hug
i struggled with the same thing till i just decided to always go for the hug, and it's always served me well
file this under, "I'm pretty sure you mean feature"
but at the same time?
I feel like it was the right post for this thread.
My, how embarrassing.
For him.
I used to work at a tech bench at an electronics store a few years ago.
Sometimes we would get customers come in, and if the issue seemed quite simple I would just fix it real quick if we weren't to busy.
Anyway, and elderly man came in to the store who was between the ages of 70-80.
He was saying that he was using his laptop and then all of a sudden it turned off, I took the unit and his power adapter plugged it in and the battery light didn't come on.
I figure either the charging port or the adapter, so I go to the sales floor use the adapter of a similar display model that was right by the registers.
Starts to boot up and then all of a sudden the moaning voice of a climaxing lady starts to play at an ungodly level.
Cue like 100 people all turning their heads at once towards me, then the screen comes up and asks for a password. I give the man a crazed look and shout "Unlock it!" He starts to panic and what seemed like forever could not get the thing unlocked. I then pull out the cable and battery...he starts to apologize and say how embarrassing it was.
Feeling quite bad for him I try to cheer him by saying "Everyone likes to masturbate" I don't know if it made matters better or worse
right about when everyone's finished up, around half of them decide they need to use the bathroom. now, we have enough weird diagnoses going on that we can't trust the kids by themselves in the bathroom. either due to oppositional defiant stuff, or just as a general "cover your ass" move, they have to be monitored. which means i'm stuck standing uncomfortably in the men's room as all the clients come through, making sure no one is crossing the streams or exchanging cocaine.
we're not the only group able to take advantage of the gratis meal- the place was probably over-capacity with low-income families, the homeless, etc. etc., and the whole time my group is (slowly) working it's way through the men's room, the place is packed
about ten minutes in, this gentleman comes into the restroom and stands behind me for a couple minutes (quietly, because I didn't realize he was there). finally, he taps me on the shoulder, and politely says "I'm sorry, but are you waiting in line?"
horrified that I might be holding this man up, I quickly clarify, "Oh, no...no! Go ahead, man...I'm just in here watching the kids!"
and his eyes got real big and he gave that kind of jerk-nod you give someone when you'd rather just get away from him
it wasn't until he left the restroom that I put two-and-two together and turned bright red with the realization that, without proper context, the gentleman, and everyone within earshot, probably just assumed I was an incredibly shameless kiddy-diddler!
Can I be kickin rad and hella awkward at the same time?
Are we doing philosophy in here?
.......Spongebob?
PSN/Steam/NNID: SyphonBlue | BNet: SyphonBlue#1126
You can be all things to some people, or you can be some things to all people, but you cannot be all things to all people.
(Blind date tonight, that was set up for me by my Boss's Boss, the VP over my department. I will return and report.)
I asked if I could just pop round after work on Friday but he said no as he had a lady-date coming round for the evening. Ok, I said. I'll come round Saturday at noon.
Got there Saturday at noon, he walked me through the house as he had the helmet in the garage. So I'm standing in the kitchen, waiting for him to come back when I notice a box of condoms that had clearly been opened in a hurry laying on the kitchen side. Just as I process what I'm seeing, he walks back in, sees what I've seen, noticed my pale, bloodless face and sheepishly hands me the helmet.
We tried to be British about it and pretend like nothing had happened. But we both knew. We both knew.
About 4:30
thanks you too (shit!)
Enjoy your meal
thanks you too (god DAMMIT)
INSTAGRAM | ART TUMBLR | OCCASIONAL TWEETS
You're supposed to look him straight in the eye, give him a Fight Club nod and say "Safety first".
I recently had to explain that to a number of people who looked at me angrily for bringing a 21-month-old into a diagnostic imaging center with me. After saying that yeah, I would have left him home, but he's the patient, the looks usually softened, though.
Wee, I'm sure I'll have many a post incoming !
Anyway, after dinner we headed down to the basement, probably because we were talking about her ex-boyfriend. We sat down on the couch, and talked for about thirty minutes. My friend eventually asked if she could move a blanket because it was kind of scratchy. I agreed, I'd noticed it too, and got up to move the blanket.
That's when I saw the blanket was COVERED in dried white crud. And so were the couch cushions. My friend and I looked at each other in horror, having finally put two and two together. Like stereotypical girls we screamed "Ewwwwwwwww!" and bolted upstairs to wash our hands.
My parents heard the screaming and asked what was wrong. I explained in as little detail as possible. Mom and dad went off to talk in private for a few minutes to decide what to do.
Then they came back and informed me that they were not going to tell my little brother to clean up after him and his girlfriend.
Nope. I was going to do it.
So after apologizing profusely to my friend, I trudged to my brother's room and quietly informed him that I'd found his mess, my friend had seen it, and he needed to keep his semen off the damn couch.
We weren't capable of talking to each other for the rest of the week.
What kind of fucked up...
While I was on my recent vacation, I took my 3 year old nephew out for some cool uncle bonding time and to give his parents a rest for a few hours. We wandered around a beach festival for a while, scoffing hotdogs and thickshakes until we came across a gold painted pirate dude doing a living statue act.
I gave my nephew a few dollars to put in the dude's collection box, which he happily obliged, and the statue dude switched stances, giving him a thumbs up.
Since we were in Honolulu, I'd recently tried to teach my nephew how to do the shaka sign. He stood there for a long moment, looking at the statue dude, then looking down intensely at his hands, a frown of absolute concentration across his face.
He then looked back up at the dude, shouted "ALOOOOHAAAA!" and flipped him off with both hands.
Steam ID - VeldrinD | SS Post | Wishlist
Let's see.
I had been in Japan maybe two weeks when I was going to a local restaurant for the first time. I was walking up to the front door when a man, rather obviously drunk, stumbled out. He began to profusely thank me for being there. I told him it was no big deal. He told me he loved me, and gave me a hug. Then, his wife also stumbled out. He told me she loved me as well, and she gave me a hug. Then, he took my hand, and before I could react, brought it to his lips and kissed the back of my hand. At this point his friend stumbled out as of the restaurant as well, grabbed him, and dragged him off telling him "No, no, no." I then ate some supremely delicious meat.
Or, I was taking kendo classes. At the start of kendo class, everyone just kind of changes in the main room, because, really, no one cares, and being nearly naked or nude in front of your peers of the same gender is no big deal. So, I started changing. The teachers did not elect to tell me that one of my girl junior high school students was going to be attending class to get some practice before the area wide school tournament this session. So, I was changing, pants down around my ankles, shirt off, when the student and her parents saunter in. Luckily I was nearby a storage closet and managed to slip inside of it pretty quick to finish changing.
Then during practice she proceeded to repeatedly bash my skull in with a wooden stick.
She's a good kid.
I intended this for veldrin, but I guess it works for Inquisitor too?
My parent's logic was if they talked to him, he'd get defensive and wouldn't listen, and wouldn't pick the basement up. But the complete humiliation of having his older sister talk to him about it would compel him to pick up after himself and count as the punishment. He was much neater afterwards. So I'll give them that.
EDIT: Here's a funny awkward story to make up for that last one-
When my siblings and I were little, my mom took us to a 4th of July fair. At some point, they had a band play.
My sister, who was a toddler at the time, got really into the music. She started dancing.
Then, without warning, my two year old sister ripped off her shirt, spun it over her head, and threw it at the singers.
My mom couldn't pack us into the car fast enough.
In have a gym setup in our garage. Got a rack and a barbell and some weights. Its an attached garage so it's not completely freezing or hot but it's not like the house. So I'm in there in the middle of July doing deadlifts and it's hot. About 80 degrees in the garage. I'm pouring sweat and I decide that there's no reason for me to do the rest of the lifts with my shirt on. And really in don't need shorts either. So now I'm working up the deadlifts just in my underwear. I'm doing the second to last set when my wife opens the garage door from the outside. I can't stop since I'm halfway through the lift. The door opens and not only is my wife there, but one of our neighbors is walking their dog. They look at me in my underwear holding the barbell at the top of the lift and quickly look away and walk off. I just start laughing and put the weight down.
It's from several months back (almost a year now)
So while we were texting we arrange to go have a picnic next week. Summer's finally come to Seattle, so we figure now's the time to go out and enjoy it. Anyways, as we finalize the details, she sends me a picture message. It's quite risque. I get ready to text something back in response when I see a pic of some dude's donger pop into the conversation. And I'm like, wait a minute, I didn't send a picture of my dong. How the fuck did that
And then another message pops into the conversation: "Yo are you trying to arrange for a multi guy session? Seems kinda impromptu but I'm down"
And then another: "Whoa hey I don't want any dude swinging his dick around my dick that's not cool"
So I look up to the message header and see that she originally sent the picture not only to me, but to at least three other dudes.
It is at this point I get a barrage of text messages from her. Please ignore those, oh my god I didn't mean to get you all into a conversation together, holy shit don't dick wave in front of one another I never asked for this. Etc.
By the time the conversation from the other dudes is dying down I'm actually kind of amused. They seem okay, albeit a bit sloppy with their spelling and grammar--two of them also seem to misuse "your" and "you're", "there" "they're" and "their" a whole lot, which makes me question her personal judgement. But I figure, you know what? We never asked each other for exclusitivity, so who am I to finger wag?
For my final transmission that day, I simply say to her: "Listen, honey, if you want to have a gangbang, you go ahead and go for it. But maybe next time think about trying to arrange it in a less sloppy fashion? Also please make sure I'm not Eskimo Brothers with a bunch of libertarians. No racist dicks."
I, as an offhand joke response, went "oh we can just start it up while you go piss, it's not like you have to sit dow-"
oh
oh
And they both just laughed and laughed and I turned bright red and went to get a drink
"Uh, 29."
She scrunches up her face a bit, and goes, "You're 29?" I confirm, and she goes, "oh, well, you're much too old. My granddaughter's 18 and she's drop-dead gorgeous" and then moves on like nothing happened.
The questions I knew, by the way, that apparently impressed this woman enough to consider setting her up with her granddaughter? "Which video game company used the slogan, 'it's in the game?,'" "Which board game features Destination ticket cards and train car cards?" and "here's a clip from a movie, identify it" so this is probably the only time knowing about EA Sports, Ticket to Ride and Inception are ever going to do me any favors with anyone
Awkward is knowing exactly who cheated with whom on whom in a room full of these people and trying to keep to yourself
No way, I'm sorry
I didn't mean awkward, I meant cripplingly lonely