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Forum Advice: As In, Literal Forum Advice
Professor Snugglesworth
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been posting in forums for over ten years now....eight have been spent posting in this very forum. One would think I would be used to it by now, but that isn't the case. I still have anxieties and worries about my "relationship" in a forum, as silly as that sounds, and I still stress over how to approach certain situations as they crop up.
For instance, I recently made a post somewhere, which resulted in another member making a follow-up crack at my expense. I responded in turn in a "ha ha good one" sort of post, trying to be a good sport about it.
In truth, though, the comment did bother me. Or more specifically, it bothered me that I couldn't tell if the post was meant to be in good fun or if there was actual malice behind it. Smileys used to be a pretty effective indicator in determining that sort of thing, but people rarely use them anymore, or use them for their intended purposes. The addition of an "Agree" feature has proved especially disheartening, as it further has me wondering if people are praising him for the joke or agreeing with him in the sense of "yeah, fuck that guy!". If it's the former, and I openly show displeasure from it, then I'm the asshole in this situation, something I try very hard not to be. I've only been obsessing about it further, looking at the people who hit the Agree button in a post like that and wondering "wait, that person liked it? I thought we got along!" and other stupidly paranoid thoughts that I feel stupid even typing out.
I know, it's impossible to get along with everyone in a community. The logical thing would be to roll with the punches either way and move on. And yet, I worry about my public image, as if other people would look at a situation like that and think "wow, that person sure got reamed, he must be a shithead who deserves it". Yes, I know, that still sounds like a stupid thing to worry about.
But I still do worry about it, even years later. One person told me way back the reason it bothers me is that I'm "too nice", suggesting I need to act more like a jaded asshole. That's not me, though; I try to stay as friendly as possible. Unless it was someone I intimately knew, whether in real life or otherwise, I don't like to openly mock or call out anyone, even if they did arguably deserve it. When I'm on the receiving end, though, I still don't know the best way to handle it. Simply saying not to care about it would mean fighting against my inner feelings. I don't know how easy it is for other people, but I can't just "turn off" whatever I feel in my gut.
So, as incredibly silly as all this sounds, I would like to read some actual Forum 101 advice, assuming such a thing exists.
For instance, I recently made a post somewhere, which resulted in another member making a follow-up crack at my expense. I responded in turn in a "ha ha good one" sort of post, trying to be a good sport about it.
In truth, though, the comment did bother me. Or more specifically, it bothered me that I couldn't tell if the post was meant to be in good fun or if there was actual malice behind it. Smileys used to be a pretty effective indicator in determining that sort of thing, but people rarely use them anymore, or use them for their intended purposes. The addition of an "Agree" feature has proved especially disheartening, as it further has me wondering if people are praising him for the joke or agreeing with him in the sense of "yeah, fuck that guy!". If it's the former, and I openly show displeasure from it, then I'm the asshole in this situation, something I try very hard not to be. I've only been obsessing about it further, looking at the people who hit the Agree button in a post like that and wondering "wait, that person liked it? I thought we got along!" and other stupidly paranoid thoughts that I feel stupid even typing out.
I know, it's impossible to get along with everyone in a community. The logical thing would be to roll with the punches either way and move on. And yet, I worry about my public image, as if other people would look at a situation like that and think "wow, that person sure got reamed, he must be a shithead who deserves it". Yes, I know, that still sounds like a stupid thing to worry about.
But I still do worry about it, even years later. One person told me way back the reason it bothers me is that I'm "too nice", suggesting I need to act more like a jaded asshole. That's not me, though; I try to stay as friendly as possible. Unless it was someone I intimately knew, whether in real life or otherwise, I don't like to openly mock or call out anyone, even if they did arguably deserve it. When I'm on the receiving end, though, I still don't know the best way to handle it. Simply saying not to care about it would mean fighting against my inner feelings. I don't know how easy it is for other people, but I can't just "turn off" whatever I feel in my gut.
So, as incredibly silly as all this sounds, I would like to read some actual Forum 101 advice, assuming such a thing exists.
Professor Snugglesworth on
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The problem is actually that you are sensitive, and probably insecure. Not sensitive in the "nice" way, which is again meaningless here, but in the "let things get to you" way.
It's best to be able to let it slide, as these interactions are often ultimately small.. especially if it's over some tv show or something. But if you absolutely cannot let it slide, it doesn't hurt to ask. "Hey man, I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic right now" is probably not going to hurt anything, and it gives the other person the opportunity to clarify. Even if they say "pretty much; your ideas are bad and you should feel bad," you aren't left stewing and can deal with the new information as presented.
tl;dr: "Too nice" is entirely the wrong way to frame the issue and whoever told you that probably did more harm than good by incorrectly framing things that way in the first place.
If I could pick apart just one tiny thing from your comment, it's the bit about taking conversations as they happen rather than looking at them long-term. I've seen many, many, many instances of people holding a grudge in forums, mostly in the case of "remember this thing you typed out this many years ago? No? Too bad, because I remember." I'll admit to carrying my own grudges, depending on whether someone got on my last nerve, even if that person never posts here afterward or never responds to anything I say.
Ideally this shouldn't happen; you can have a heated argument with someone one day and totally be on the same page the next. But that's seldom the case.
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This is obviously dependent on what it was you said. Was it a death threat or something very personal they found insulting? Okay yeah, maybe you should apologize and see if you can sort that stuff out. I would strongly advise it.
Was it that Pokemon is better than Digimon? Because it is, because fuck you, that's why, and if you say otherwise we can never be friends.
Or, you know, people have different opinions and who cares, the argument you had years ago over which is better was stupid anyway and should probably be let go. Don't let people talk you into holding onto that sort of crap; it isn't going to make you or the world better.
Even then sometimes people post needlessly snarky things that get to me. I just tend to disengage from them. Letting it go takes practice, but life is to short to worry about someone being an A hole in the internets.
I think it is also important to remember that a Web forum from a video game comic is probably not the Mecca of socially well adjusted individuals. If someone has a repeatedly snarky and aggro posting style, it helps to just laugh about their absurdity and wonder how they get along in real life.
Also if it helps at all I think you're a good forumer and like having you around. Don't be discouraged by a few people. You're allllllrighhht!
but they're listening to every word I say
Other times things are misconstrued and/or misinterpreted and there's little you can do to fight a level of "groupthink".
Sometimes there's an out-of-forum clique that drives who people listen to.
Sometimes people don't have context
Sometimes you're being a dick
Sometimes they're being a dick
It happens.
These are real people (I think) having real conversations, so yes, real feelings go along with it. I wouldn't focus on the "oh god my rep etc." type things, just look at interactions that are tough for you and each time say "can I learn something? What are the different viewpoints that could lead someone to say this" and work from there. The key is to not let it weigh you down, as the instant forums go from entertaining and engaging to a burden or anxiety ridden activity, they're no longer worth it.
One thing to try is to just not post for a few weeks. Sometimes distance provides clarity as to why you post or read and how you want to go about it.
"Hey were you meaning to be crass about that?"
At least if you know where they stand you can easier calm your mind about whether you're overreacting to sarcasm or a joke. We all have those moments, so you're edit:not alone.
edit:whoops.jpg
Your inner feelings aren't just one thing (anxiety), right? That's just one among many feelings you can experience. So, how do you know not caring isn't for you, if you haven't tried it. If you try it, and it works, then you don't care anymore - you don't feel anxious. That's good, isn't it?
I don't know if I'll have the best advice in the world, but I do sympathize. I'll add that I think you're a pretty rad poster and I like to see your contributions.
I also, in general, don't agree with the sentiment that "since it's online, it's not real and you shouldn't care about it." It's still human interaction, regardless of the layer of technology, and human interaction is going to make people feel emotions. I don't think those emotions are any less valid because you can't see the facial expression of the person making the cutting remark. Though it is helpful to remember that since you can't see their face and their body language, it's very easy to attribute attitudes to people that they have no intention of conveying. If I'm sensitive about X, and someone disparagingly remarks about my X, I'll naturally have a tendency to be more hurt by the remark than the other person will be aware of.
Regarding managing your feelings, you're right, you can't just tell yourself to stop feeling something. There's ways around that, though. First off, you can feel what you feel, but take a step away from the forum anyway. Go do something else - play a video game, take a walk, have some exercise, do some gardening, spend time with people in your life who care about you even though you aren't perfect all the time and don't have the best "image." It especially helps if you have someone like that that you feel comfortable talking about the thing that's bothering you, someone who won't tell you to "suck it up" or whatever when you explain that the thing that hurt you or worried you happened on the internet. Maybe you'll feel dumb even saying it, but your feelings are your feelings. It's not "wrong" to feel some particular way because you don't really control what your dumb lizard brain wants to feel. What you control is how you act on it. So you can say to your self, or your loved one, "I know it's dumb feel upset about something so petty, but I feel it anyway!" and even that can help. @Strikor has heard me do this a couple of times, I think - I'll say to him, "I knew even while I was feeling it that the thing I felt was petty and over the top, but.." and then I rant about the thing that bothered me. Ranting makes me feel better, but also being aware that the feeling was not warranted from the circumstances also helped. Aside from all that, the thing that will make the feeling fade is time. Sleep on it, and the next day the feeling won't be as strong. Give it a week and you might not even remember it.
It can also help to go to the person who said the thing and just say "that thing you said kinda hurt my feelings, you know?", whether within the thread (if multiple people agreed with it) or in a PM if you want to keep it private. Sometimes people are just being witty and don't realize that what they said could be hurtful. This is especially helpful if you think that you might get into an (involuntary!) mental state where you do end up holding a grudge about it, ie "I thought this person liked me, but now I know how they really feel so I can't trust them anymore. " A simple "Did you mean it like that?" "oh no, sorry, was just making a joke." "ok, cool!" can be enough to dissipate that right from the start.
Another helpful technique is cognitive reframing, though I'm not sure I can give a good example of this in a forum setting. It's taking your negative thoughts and reframing them into something positive. Here's a guide about it that might help, but you can Google cognitive reframing/restructuring for more info.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Unfortunately, this sentiment is why I continue to have problems keeping a friendly dynamic in this forum.
Take for instance a most recent exchange I had in another thread. I don't want to draw attention to anyone by linking it, but the conversation kind of went like this:
"I find this thing in this game utterly reprehensible."
"Could you elaborate why you felt that way?"
"I'm not going to bother explaining it to you."
"Why not?"
"Because you should already know."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't this be kind of a really shitty conversation to have with someone face-to-face? Isn't the point of a discussion forum to have, well, discussions?
It kind of feels like I was being punished for daring to ask about a sensitive topic, or not immediately having the "right opinion". I was accused of "refusing to learn", when the very reason I inquired about the topic was for the express purpose of learning. If I didn't care about the other side's claims, or if I was 100% certain that I was right, I wouldn't have inquired about it in the first place.
It doesn't feel fair that I get scrutinized for not being on the same wavelength of some other group's line of thinking. It feels clique-ish and hivemind-y.
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It sucks, especially when you really want to talk about a thing or understand a conversation, but, in the end, you can't control how that other person felt about the topic.
Just shrug it off and hit up another thread or take a walk or something.
Where you the one who had the issue with the game or the one who didn't understand why someone thought it was reprehensible.
You can't win with someone like that, they're trying to use morality as a way to embarrass you, don't let them, call them a goose or report it as being jerkish. Let the admins sort it out because that's their role here, and they're really good at handling assholes like that most of the time.
Unfortunately calling attention to it tends to pick at a wound and people get super defensive at having to explain and put reasoning behind their knee jerk, ingrained reactions.
I wouldn't have minded so much if it was an isolated one-on-one conversation, but then other people chimed in (people who I have shared pleasantries with) that basically took the side of the accuser.
Whenever the majority are siding against me in an argument, that's when I start to seriously wonder if I was in the wrong after all. It only leads to further anxiety when I can't find fault in anything I did in that instance.
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Even to a large majority, something can be a large deal.
If it causes anxiety, it's best to disengage or try and figure it out. The people that were agreeing might not have necessarily agreed with "you should know" but rather, that the thing that "you should know" was a big deal.
You should know is a cop out answer anyways, explain yourself, I'm not you and I'm not your in-group. I'm obviously asking for a reason, perhaps I want to better myself.
That's the stance I take to someone who asks me a question, only fools knee-jerk back at someone harshly like that.