Addressing a relative's passing

Kyougu

Six years ago one of my younger brothers passed away in a car accident. It was, and still in the worst thing to happen to me, but as they said, time has made it easier.

The only thing that I still haven't been able to deal with properly is when I meet a new person (something that I do often) and they ask about how many siblings I have.

Not counting him still feels wrong somehow, but answering with "I used to have four, but one passed away..." leads to awkwardness, as generally I barely know whatever person is asking me.

Has anyone that gone through something similar found a tactful way to address this?

Enc

There is no easy answer here. My wife speaks in present tense in these situations when she speaks of her sister ("I have two sisters") and if someone presses will elaborate ("My younger sister just turned twenty, my older passed a few years ago but would be 31 this year").

She uses present tense a lot for her sister when talking about the family as a whole, because she is still part of the family even if only in memory. Individually she uses past tense though.

Darkewolfe

When it is something I feel compelled to answer directly, I personally immediately follow up the statement of fact with, "It was tough but it's been awhile and life goes on" and just try to shove the conversation in a direction that keeps going. People sometimes just sort of get hung up on, "I'm so sorry" and it's like, "Yeah, I've already dealt with my stuff as much as you have to do with, so let's not halt the conversation here."

CelestialBadger

Fortunately I haven't experienced this, but I would have thought it's OK to just say "four" if you are just making idle chit-chat, to avoid bringing up the sad memory. You can tell actual friends the real story.

Shellback

You have four siblings. Death has no hold on that.

The Crowing One

You have four siblings. One passed away.

Being dead does not make one less of a sister or brother. In all seriousness, you're carrying him with you. He's there, even if he can't be there himself.

Simpsonia

I'm in a similar boat, in having a brother who has passed. For a while I answered only that I had two sisters, hoping to avoid awkwardness, or follow-up questions that might bring up pain. However, that took a toll on me, denying my brother. Eventually, I found that answering honestly was easier on me, and that a lot of the hypothetical awkwardness that I had been thinking might happen, really didn't.

Kyougu

Thanks all.

Helps to know I wasn't alone in feeling like this.