Should my daughter visit her mom in jail? Is there a benefit over phone calls?

b4660

looking for advice forums to ask opinions and this one came up
The charge is a forgery charge and it is a six month sentence main problem I have is she will see her mom in jail clothes and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? They have a good relationship.

Main problem I have is She will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit She will see other inmates and women behind bars The guards could be intimidating Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. Interestingly they have a good relationship

my wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea

knitdan

Why don't you think it's a good idea? Your daughter wants to see her mother, and at 15 she's old enough to understand why she's in prison.

Are you afraid she'll lose respect for her mother after seeing her in a jumpsuit?

You seem worried that your daughter will find the experience frightening...I sincerely doubt it.

As for why she seems enthusiastic, she likely just wants to see her mother, and it's a new experience. Why shouldn't she be excited to see her mother, even in a prison visiting area, if as you say they have a good relationship?

ceres

I don't know if there's a "normal" way to feel about finding out your mom is in jail for forgery no matter how old you are. I think everyone will probably handle that kind of news a little differently. To be honest, it sounds like you're more afraid of going than your daughter is, and kids a lot younger than that go to visit their parents for much worse crimes and somehow survive the experience.

If they want to see each other I can't think of a single reason not to take her.

Is there a specific reason you're afraid for her to see this? Those people behind bars and in jumpsuits and so forth are all still people. They are still human beings. Saying you're afraid for her to see people like that, to see her mom like that.. it's dehumanizing. She's not walking onto a battlefield or into a trauma unit where you might expect to see blood and organs and bone; it's just clothes. Her mom did a thing - not even a violent thing - and she was caught and is now serving the consequences for that. It's a reality, not something to hide from.

I guess I don't see the problem.

BlindZenDriver

I agree with the others.
I get the thought of wanting to protect your daughter from bad things and also from her having to see her mother locked up, but if anything keeping your daughter from seeing her mother in prison will instead just leave your daughter with unanswered questions.
Arrange the visit, make sure to talk to your daughter bout it afterwards and also be prepared to make the visits a regular thing. A girl needs her mother.

EclecticGroove

At first I was expecting this to be about a very young person. Like under 10 or some such. In which case this question would be a lot more nuanced.

But 15? She's more than capable of dealing with this. She wants to go see her mom, so long as her mom doesn't object, it's a no brainer, take her to go see her mom.

azith28

I'm not speaking from experience, just guessing. But isnt the same isolated places they allow for 'conjacal' visits, also for children and family to just spend time together instead of through the glass wall (and not just sexy times)?

Quid

Every jail is run differently. It'd depend on this particular location. Visiting my cousin we always had a pane of glass between us even though she was a non violent offender.

Scooter

Yea, at first I assumed this question would be about, like, a four year old. At 15 she's almost old enough to be in a prison.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

to go the other direction, it might be good to de-mystify the experience of being in prison prior to your wife being released. Pop culture is full of depictions of prison (orange is the new black etc) that your daughter has no doubt absorbed, which (probably) do not particularly accurately describe your wife's circumstances.

spool32

She's only a couple of years away from being able to land in jail for (check?) forgery herself! Might be a teachable moment.

Justice

You seem mostly worried about the scariness aspect of jail. To put this in perspective, a hospital is at least as scary to a kid. Probably more so. A jail is very strange, and people in cages is scary, but it lacks most of the remaining horror of people being hooked up to machines, etc.

Also, the guards and inmates will be nice to a kid, or, at least, they will, as a percentage of the population, be as nice to a kid as the same percentage of the population outside will be nice to a kid. Especially in a women's jail, where most of the women inside deeply wish they had a relationship with their kids.

I mean, you've been yourself, right? I've had to go to jails and prisons very often. The inmates never particularly care. The guards can be jerks, but it's rare, and I think even the jerks treat the public better than me.

As for the other question of how this will affect the relationship between mom and daughter, or affect daughter personally long-term, there is no answer, and you should not try to take it into your calculations. People with parents who were in jail tend to do worse, but it's not because they saw their parents in jail---it's because the parents were shitty and generally absent altogether. In your position, I would not try to overanalyze this, because you can't come to a reliable conclusion; I would let mom and daughter work it out themselves based on what they want, and my view is that, as a generic matter, both will probably benefit in a positive way: mom will see why she needs to stay clean, and daughter will see that she still has a mom who cares about her. The only time I see a negative effect of continued relationships between incarcerated people and their families is when the incarcerated people try to manipulate those on the outside to do illegal things or become emotionally burdensome through constant negative communication. (Asking for money doesn't count unless it becomes suspiciously frequent; some money on the books makes a big difference in quality of life inside, and the government bleeds the hell out of it with surcharges and inflated prices. The only danger there is that the inmate is being extorted, which you'll notice, and then you'll contact the jail/prison administration to get your inmate moved to a new section.)

Edit: Regarding the benefit over phone calls---when I saw jail/prison, it actually helped dispel some of my fears about how horrible it was inside. It sucked, but it wasn't people chained naked to stone walls in constant pain. It's impossible to know what your daughter is imagining, but consider that actual jail/prison might be better than what she's imagining. I mean, plus, they tend to make the visiting areas look nicer than the pods, so, your daughter could even come out with a better-than-realistic idea of jail---although this obviously depends on how your local jail does it.

ArbitraryDescriptor

I agree with all of the above, 15 is old enough. If she wants to, I'd let her.

But you could try asking the prison itself; I think they have counselors on staff who might* be willing to advise you.

*Not sure if fielding questions like this is in their purview, but the worst they're gonna do is not take your call.

WiseManTobes

If she's on a 6 month sentence also, it's very likely she's in a much lower security short term faciility also so other inmates will be a lot of the same sorta person, like there won't be Mafia kingpins and serial murderers and stuff just hanging around.

Hell about 50% of her facility probably just got caught with a bag of weed.