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Older parents, should I move out?
jungleroomx
It's never too many graves, it's always not enough shovelsRegistered User regular
It's never too many graves, it's always not enough shovelsRegistered User regular
(I didn't realize I'd get into a situation like this so soon after my last crisis, so forgive me if I'm spamming this board with my issues)
Okay, so, long story short I just got out of the Army 4 years ago, just graduated college last May, just got divorced last September, moved in with my parents in August, started working in my first professional career gig in November, and I was looking to move out in March. My folks live 53 miles from my job in the city so I was going to move to the city. My sister and her family also live in my folks hometown.
Okay, that's out of the way. I get home from work today to find my mother (who had 2 strokes, one in 89 and one in 93) sitting on the floor. This is bad because she is disabled and cannot get herself up. I begin asking her what's wrong and my dad, who is in the living room, says, "She fell like 3 hours ago, couldn't get her up! She ain't trying hard enough!" So, I start getting angry, but... we gotta get her up.
So, my dad and I (after some really NOT helpful prodding like "don't be a baby!") Get her up, she sits down for a bit. I check to make sure she can walk before I was gonna call 911 and she seems okay, so she walks to the bathroom and back. Okay. I'm relieved, she says she isn't hurting and she doesn't look like she's hurting aby more than normal. I still call her doctor and tell her, he says to keep an eye out for any bruising or swelling and if it happens to bring her in. Okay.
By now I'm furious. I'm livid. Why the hell did my dad act like that? I've known this man for all 36 of my years and I've NEVER seen him act like this. While venting to my sister she makes me realize that his stroke (2 years ago) has really messed with his head. And I can see it now, his mind is going. Maybe dementia. I don't know. He's only 66.
So now, I'm at a really tough decision. My sister can check on them daily, but what happens if something happens in the 24 hours between visits? We're going to give my mom a life alert, but what if she can't press it? So, a part of me says "stay".
But... I'm suffering being here. I don't mean it in a subjective way... I've had panic attacks so bad I've been to the ER three times since I moved in August. I get severe anxiety when I drive for more than 30 minutes, bad enough I'm incapable of driving because of the hyperventilation and I have to pull over. The last time the medics saw me for anxiety my blood pressure was 170/120, and an ECG confirmed it wasn't a heart attack, but the stress is compromising my immune system and I'm constantly sick, tired, and irritable. It's having a real physical impact on my health, which would be solved by moving closer to work in my own apartment.
But then... what if something happens again, only this time it's 24 hours between?
It's not like this sort of thing happens a lot. It doesn't. But I'm terrified.
It seems like my choice is either live horribly with my parents or be healthy but guilt-ridden in Lincoln.
I don't even know what to do.
Okay, so, long story short I just got out of the Army 4 years ago, just graduated college last May, just got divorced last September, moved in with my parents in August, started working in my first professional career gig in November, and I was looking to move out in March. My folks live 53 miles from my job in the city so I was going to move to the city. My sister and her family also live in my folks hometown.
Okay, that's out of the way. I get home from work today to find my mother (who had 2 strokes, one in 89 and one in 93) sitting on the floor. This is bad because she is disabled and cannot get herself up. I begin asking her what's wrong and my dad, who is in the living room, says, "She fell like 3 hours ago, couldn't get her up! She ain't trying hard enough!" So, I start getting angry, but... we gotta get her up.
So, my dad and I (after some really NOT helpful prodding like "don't be a baby!") Get her up, she sits down for a bit. I check to make sure she can walk before I was gonna call 911 and she seems okay, so she walks to the bathroom and back. Okay. I'm relieved, she says she isn't hurting and she doesn't look like she's hurting aby more than normal. I still call her doctor and tell her, he says to keep an eye out for any bruising or swelling and if it happens to bring her in. Okay.
By now I'm furious. I'm livid. Why the hell did my dad act like that? I've known this man for all 36 of my years and I've NEVER seen him act like this. While venting to my sister she makes me realize that his stroke (2 years ago) has really messed with his head. And I can see it now, his mind is going. Maybe dementia. I don't know. He's only 66.
So now, I'm at a really tough decision. My sister can check on them daily, but what happens if something happens in the 24 hours between visits? We're going to give my mom a life alert, but what if she can't press it? So, a part of me says "stay".
But... I'm suffering being here. I don't mean it in a subjective way... I've had panic attacks so bad I've been to the ER three times since I moved in August. I get severe anxiety when I drive for more than 30 minutes, bad enough I'm incapable of driving because of the hyperventilation and I have to pull over. The last time the medics saw me for anxiety my blood pressure was 170/120, and an ECG confirmed it wasn't a heart attack, but the stress is compromising my immune system and I'm constantly sick, tired, and irritable. It's having a real physical impact on my health, which would be solved by moving closer to work in my own apartment.
But then... what if something happens again, only this time it's 24 hours between?
It's not like this sort of thing happens a lot. It doesn't. But I'm terrified.
It seems like my choice is either live horribly with my parents or be healthy but guilt-ridden in Lincoln.
I don't even know what to do.
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Posts
Can your parents get in-home care? I know this isn't an option for a lot of people but in the long run it's probably better for all involved if it could be managed.
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
This isn't your job. Love them, support them, do what you can to help them but I don't think it's okay for you to just accept being miserable because your parents are aging.
I don't know... I think they can. I know my dad has VA
I feel that you and your sister need to be looking at assisted living facilities with memory care units that your Dad can transition in to if/when his condition worsens.
One thing you can do is double check the medications they are taking and make sure that there aren't any interactions that their doctor's might've missed and that they aren't being over medicated for high blood pressure or other conditions. My father used to have "spells" every day around noon from too much BP medicine.