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How to bring up a situation with a neighbor when you have anxiety.
Cambiata
Commander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
Commander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
My husband and I live in a cul-de-sac of a quiet, family-oriented neighborhood. We seem to have nice neighbors, but both of us suffer from anxiety and aren't exactly social out in the neighborhood, so I don't really know their names or anything. The neighborhood also has a barely-there HOA but people seem to mind their own business and not bring the HOA in with complaints (which I'm glad of - having to deal with a busybody HOA was one of my greatest worries when I bought the house).
Lately there's been a bit of a situation with the neighbors to our left: They have a couple of 1 year old dogs that are always getting free from the yard. Once the dogs get out, they bark relentlessly for the rest of the night. Sometimes they'll hang out in our yard, but also sometimes they run over to a nearby apartment complex and bark in that parking lot (we found this out when we were doing some repairs to our fence, and someone from the apartments came over to ask if the dogs that always got our were our dogs).
The dogs get out so frequently that at this point I want to approach the neighbor to make sure they're aware of how big a problem it is. Approaching someone I am not familiar with in a situation that I've never handled before is basically my number 1 fear. Added to this that the one time I ever talked to someone from that house, he seemed to not be fluent in English. Someone give me a script and/or advice on how best to approach my neighbor as a good citizen, not trying to piss him off but making sure he knows this is a situation he needs to take care of. None of the potential alternatives are appealing to me: I don't want to call animal control because I don't like the likelihood that the dogs could be euthanized if they're taken to a shelter. I don't want to call the police on a noise complaint because police can be needless assholes sometimes. I don't want to get the HOA involved because I like the HOA being hands-off in our neighborhood and this could change that.
If the situation doesn't change after talking to the neighbor a few times and giving them a chance to fix it, I might pick one of the harsher alternatives (I think the noise complaint will be my go-to, but I want to give the neighbor a chance to fix it first), but for now I'd just like advice on how to do the first part.
Lately there's been a bit of a situation with the neighbors to our left: They have a couple of 1 year old dogs that are always getting free from the yard. Once the dogs get out, they bark relentlessly for the rest of the night. Sometimes they'll hang out in our yard, but also sometimes they run over to a nearby apartment complex and bark in that parking lot (we found this out when we were doing some repairs to our fence, and someone from the apartments came over to ask if the dogs that always got our were our dogs).
The dogs get out so frequently that at this point I want to approach the neighbor to make sure they're aware of how big a problem it is. Approaching someone I am not familiar with in a situation that I've never handled before is basically my number 1 fear. Added to this that the one time I ever talked to someone from that house, he seemed to not be fluent in English. Someone give me a script and/or advice on how best to approach my neighbor as a good citizen, not trying to piss him off but making sure he knows this is a situation he needs to take care of. None of the potential alternatives are appealing to me: I don't want to call animal control because I don't like the likelihood that the dogs could be euthanized if they're taken to a shelter. I don't want to call the police on a noise complaint because police can be needless assholes sometimes. I don't want to get the HOA involved because I like the HOA being hands-off in our neighborhood and this could change that.
If the situation doesn't change after talking to the neighbor a few times and giving them a chance to fix it, I might pick one of the harsher alternatives (I think the noise complaint will be my go-to, but I want to give the neighbor a chance to fix it first), but for now I'd just like advice on how to do the first part.
"excuse my French
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
0
Posts
I'll try!
"Hi, I'm Cambiata, I live at address?"
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"I wanted to make sure you knew about something - your dogs have been getting out an awful lot, and when they get out they bark. Sometimes they stay in your yard, but I think a lot of the time they go over to those apartments!
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"Yeah, we had somebody come over from the apartments and ask us if your dogs were our dogs."
---
"Anyway, I was just worried you didn't know. Have a good day!"
Hi, I'm your neighbor (point to your house). I'm Cambiata (shake hands).
I'm not sure if you are aware, but your dogs often get out of your yard at night and bark for most of the night. Sometimes they hang out in my yard, and sometimes they go over to the apartments over there (point to the apartments).
When I was mending my fences I had several people from the apartment complex approach me and ask me if they were my dogs and complain about the barking.
If you need some help in preventing your dogs from escaping I can give you some references to contractors if you need help mending your fences (have some contact numbers for some people who might do this work).
Personally, I would offer to help them myself (as it sounds like maybe your were mending your fences yourself), but my social anxiety does not extend to my neighbors. These are people I have to deal with every day, so I don't mind being politely direct.
The thing is, during a conversation you are going to get immediate feedback, and I'd deviate, shorten, or extend the script based on if I'm feeling they are listening to me, dismissing me, or getting irritated at me.
Do these neighbors generally take care of their yard/house or leave things overgrown and in disrepair?
I can relate to your anxiety about this, and I might end up going with a letter if I were in your situation. It's not optimal, but I know I often appear angry or annoyed when I'm feeling nervous, so I can definitely see why someone might want to avoid a direct conversation. I'd just try to make it really friendly and possibly humorous if I could come up with something funny but inoffensive.
Try and get to know your other neighbors at least to say hi to, so that if you have other problems, you are on friendly terms, and if they have problems with you, they feel able to talk to you before it gets really annoying.
In this specific case tho I would call the police the next time the dogs are out and report them, anonymously if need be. That's a very dangerous situation for the dogs. Or you could try your Non Emergency Hotline if you have one and report it there.
Initial contact:
Are the dogs friendly? Can you catch them?
"I found your dog, and didn't want them to get hit by a car" is far better a foot to start the conversation off on. Now you're their ally, not some cranky neighbor complaining about a problem they're already aware of and may be a sore point for them.
The collar may also have a phone number, so you can call them to set up the meet to return them.
And I would definitely schedule it to go over there with your husband. Going as a couple keeps with the "friendly neighbor, glad to finally be meeting you, and helping your dog out" vibe we want here. From there you can ascertain the cause of the escapes, commiserate with them over the struggles they may be having keeping them in, and hopefully subconciously encourage them to fix it bith for the dogs and these nice new people!
Behind the scenes, you can then lean on each other for mental support; and his presence may, disgustingly, but potentially, avoid a scenario where the homeowner may afford you less respect on your own.
Alternate remedy:
You may be able to go over the HOA if the loose dogs, or the enabling component of their loosening, is a municipal code violation. You can probably google as to whether such a department exists. If that's a thing, then that's a middle ground between the HOA and the police.
I don't recommend this as anything but a last resort, as legal compulsion does not make good neighbors, but that's up to you.
True, but I'd rather them get defensive and take it seriously rather than them listening to me being polite and then not giving it much of a thought afterwards, personally.
But only because doggos are involved.
Animal Control is who you want to call for loose dogs. Which you should call if they are escaping from a fenced area before they run in front of a car or something else happens to them.
In regards to the suggestion of bringing the loose dogs home to the neighbor: I work nights, so it's 1am when I find them loose... Last night we did just bring one of them that we found back over to the neighbor's yard, but it got out again immediately. What's the politeness protocol for loose dogs after midnight? If it were a child I'd wake the neighbors up to return it, but, well, I don't get the impression these folks consider their dogs with that much care. Still OK to wake them up to try to get their dogs to safety?
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I'd let the owners know in person and, if they don't make changes, start filing non-emergency police reports and/or contacting the HOA.
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When a dog barks it produces and ultrasonic tone that is unpleasant to dogs, but does not harm them. I've used a similar product before and it works, well enough.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"