Asking affectionate couple to take it down a notch

ThornMartin

So, here's a problem. I just had my wedding rehearsal tonight, and the following problem arose: during the dinner, as well as at a subsequent hangout, my best man and his girlfriend were acting a little overly affectionate.

I'm completely used to it, but one of my groomsmen, who is both very conservative and a stranger to my best man, was also there. I felt that the actions of my best man were a little inappropriate in front of a stranger (my groomsman), even though my groomsman didn't give any indication of discomfort with the PDA.

Anyway, I tried to be assertive and privately (with my bride) told my best man and his girlfriend that I felt that they were inappropriate at times, and to not act that way in front of my friends.

This blew up. My best man, who is my bride's brother, began a yelling fest with my bride after my departure from their home. He thinks that I feel like he's an embarrassment, and concluded other incorrect things based on what I said to them. I corrected these things (by telling him that I don't think he's an embarrassment, that I love him, and that the problem is simply a difference in opinion about etiquette) on the phone, but tempers are flared at their home and I fear that what I said fell on deaf ears.

I'm afraid that this could escalate. Any advice?

Oh, if it's important, the rehearsal was done a week early -- I'm getting married on the 19th.

D.T.

First off, congratulations and much happiness to you and your bride.

Second, you probably should have just told your best man exactly what was going on. The way it reads now (telling him not to act that way in front of your friends and that his actions with his girl were inappropriate) is that it's coming directly from you and that you're the one feeling this way.

Your best bet probably would have been to just tell him that you personally don't see a problem with their behavior, but that someone else in the wedding is uncomfortable around them.

My advice to you is to sit your friend down and make sure he knows that the request to tone it down doesn't come directly from you, and that you were simply trying to maintain the peace at your wedding.

By the way, I have to ask: what are your friend and his girl doing that is so bad? If they're just kissing and cuddling, then I can't see why your conservative friend would be so concerned.

edit: I totally read your post wrong. The conservative guy didn't say anything or show any discomfort being around them, and you actually did feel their actions were inappropriate. That's actually a tougher situation because I can see why your best man would feel offended. His reaction isn't necessarily justified, though. I would just try and make sure that he knows you don't feel his presence will be a detriment to your wedding, but that you want everything to go as smoothly and peacefully as possible.

Hamju

Give him a bit of time to cool off, then talk to him and just ask him to cool it on the PDA stuff. It seems he's overreacting because he probably doesn't really understand you, so you have to make him understand. Talking in person is your best friend here.

Btw I'm getting married on the 19th as well... hi5!

The Cat

Is your conservative friend uncomfortable around them? You don't seem to have actually asked him about that.

I'm also rather interested in what counts as 'overly affectionate' to you. I mean, going to grope at the bridal table is a bit much, but there's no reason to come down on the couple if they're just indulging in the occasional kiss or whatever. Sickening nicknames should be dealt with with fire, of course :P

I assume you're going to be in the same room as the guy at least once before the wedding, just use that opportunity to make sure in person that he's not still mad at you (although, maybe not make a point of bringing it up if he seems totally fine). He should have had time to cool off by then, but be aware that there might be a bit of lingering resentment. You kind of insulted both your bro-in-law-to-be and his lady, even if they were being sickening :P. The main problem i can see here is you valuing your pal the groomsman over your new family members - if they've never met the guy, its safe to assume that he's not a major part of the social circle that contains you and your in-laws, and so they may think you should be a little more loyal to them than him.

tl;dr: don't deal with important things over the phone, or through relays. Gotta handle this stuff in person.

Heir

I too am curious about what exactly they were doing.

I know at one of the weddings that I went to, the bride and groom had their tongues down each other's throats during the entire reception. It was a bit awkward watching the father of the bride give a toast while his new son-in-law is practically consumating the marriage right there.

RE OP: It sounds like you guys tried to tell them in a mature way. It's hard confronting a relative or friend about something like this, because said person can become very defensive.

As I imagine your wedding is today, there probably won't be much time to patch things up. If nothing else, try and make sure things are smoothed over once you get back from your honeymoon. Maybe just call them or send them an email or something. Just mention that you weren't mad or embarrassed or anything. Explain how you were just trying to make sure no one's feathers were getting ruffled.

And best of luck to you and your bride. It sucks that you had to deal with this on your wedding weekend, but it's hard trying to make sure everyone is happy with everyone else during such events. I know, for my wife and I, our biggest problem was making sure that my Mom and Dad (divorced) didn't have to have too much contact with each other. Dealing with things like who sat on the first row was a huge pain because you knew someone was going to have their feelings hurt.