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You're a burglar, but...

13

Posts

  • TNTrooperTNTrooper Registered User regular
    Rather then steal anything I would just change all their passwords and security answers.

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  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    I would glue all of their things shut. Windows, drawers, and thing with a screw in it. All glued in.

    Or I’d install a smart home monitoring system and continue to change it to uncomfortable temperatures.

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Replace every lightbulb with one that puts out significantly less light.

  • Captain InertiaCaptain Inertia Central OhioRegistered User regular
    Radius wrote: »
    All the plungers

    This is shitty dude

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  • Captain InertiaCaptain Inertia Central OhioRegistered User regular
    edited April 2020
    I mean it I spent thousands installing uncloggable toilets in my house because I have big smelly dumps and know too many people who have had plungers hidden by poltergeists or magic burglars.

    My toilets are nearly perfect but sadly not fireproof (yet)

    Captain Inertia on
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  • Al_watAl_wat Registered User regular
    I would replace all beer with replica beer cans/bottles except it is non-alcoholic.

    Replace all weed with pre-vaporized weed

  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

  • Captain InertiaCaptain Inertia Central OhioRegistered User regular
    edited April 2020
    Blake T wrote: »
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

    America proudly has the biggest, least-healthy shits

    I give birth to a baby cow like every other day

    The toilet I’ve accidentally lit on fire before can handle about 11 lbs (~4 kilos) of corn-bejeweled feculence

    Captain Inertia on
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  • TNTrooperTNTrooper Registered User regular
    Blake T wrote: »
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

    America proudly has the biggest, least-healthy shits

    I give birth to a baby cow like every other day

    The toilet I’ve accidentally lit on fire before can handle about 11 lbs (~4 kilos) of corn-bejeweled feculence

    Umm what?

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  • #pipe#pipe Cocky Stride, Musky odours Pope of Chili TownRegistered User regular
    edited April 2020
    Blake T wrote: »
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

    Honestly, it's a question I wonder about.

    In my 29 years in Australia I encountered a clogged toilet never

    Since moving to Canada I've had to plunge dozens of times. My current apartment is slightly underground so we don't have any gravity assistance and now I own my own toilet auger because of how often our toilet clogs.

    #pipe on
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    #pipe wrote: »
    Blake T wrote: »
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

    Honestly, it's a question I wonder about.

    In my 29 years in Australia I encountered a clogged toilet never

    Since moving to Canada I've had to plunge dozens of times. My current apartment is slightly underground so we don't have any gravity assistance and now I own my own toilet auger because of how often our toilet clogs.

    coriolis effect

  • XehalusXehalus Registered User regular
    I would steal the door pins and place the doors back for maximum confusion

  • CronoColaCronoCola Registered User regular
    I'd replace all of the non-vegan things in their fridge with vegan "replacements". You wanted some cheddar? How about a compound designed to remind you of cheddar?

  • TNTrooperTNTrooper Registered User regular
    CronoCola wrote: »
    I'd replace all of the non-vegan things in their fridge with vegan "replacements". You wanted some cheddar? How about a compound designed to remind you of cheddar?

    Hi FBI I want to report a terrorist.

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  • AtheraalAtheraal Registered User regular
    A perfect half-foot tall horizontal slice of the entire house just below the second floor. So that every time they go up the stairs, they try to go up one extra step, and the same going down. Every time.

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Atheraal wrote: »
    A perfect half-foot tall horizontal slice of the entire house just below the second floor. So that every time they go up the stairs, they try to go up one extra step, and the same going down. Every time.

    It'd be easier to just carpet their stairs with something that works like disruptive camouflage, so they can't see the stairs properly:

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  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    CronoCola wrote: »
    I'd replace all of the non-vegan things in their fridge with vegan "replacements". You wanted some cheddar? How about a compound designed to remind you of cheddar?

    So what would you do with my already fully plant-based fridge?

    Replace the oat milk with whitewash? The seitan with a trainer sole?

    Joke's on you - how would I tell?

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Yeah ZestRegistered User regular
    I would put small amounts of psychotropic substances into their food products, at random intervals, so they would think they're going crazy for an hour at a time. The fun stuff, though, like DMT and peyote, not the awful stuff like anthrax or salvia.

  • HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    Slightly rearrange their furniture every night while they're sleeping. When they awaken, everything will be ever so slightly out of place in a new way. Eventually they'll go crazy and light their whole home on fire.

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Replace their brand name groceries with a generic brand

    Will they spot the difference? Let's watch...

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Atheraal wrote: »
    A perfect half-foot tall horizontal slice of the entire house just below the second floor. So that every time they go up the stairs, they try to go up one extra step, and the same going down. Every time.

    It'd be easier to just carpet their stairs with something that works like disruptive camouflage, so they can't see the stairs properly:

    5d4be2d584fe8_9mJGcDR_ymEn2drG4z2Z-wXlUW5uOMM6m2GFD7UH7wo__700.jpg

    I forgot to mention for anyone who can't see the fine detail in the picture, that picture is of a staircase. That's not a flat carpeted floor, it is a murderous carpeted staircase heading downwards from left to right. The person in the leather shoes is standing on the top landing.

  • Endless_SerpentsEndless_Serpents Registered User regular
    I will steal

    their heart.

    <3

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Veldrin wrote: »
    Their ability to properly scratch an itch

    You’re a monster.

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    Also I steal exactly one screw from every motherfucking thing in their house that has more than one screw.

  • ElderlycrawfishElderlycrawfish Registered User regular
    Steal USB dongles but leave the devices they are paired with.

    Steal the aglets from the ends of shoelaces, then unlace each shoe to a random, asymmetric eyelet.

    Steal the straw from every pump soap dispenser and spray bottle.

  • SorceSorce Not ThereRegistered User regular
    Buncha satans ITT.

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  • PaperLuigi44PaperLuigi44 My amazement is at maximum capacity. Registered User regular
    Change the difficulty of the games they're playing.

  • sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited April 2020
    Change the difficulty of the games they're playing.

    Devious, but not exactly thievery.

    Steal the “a button” off every video game controller they have... including their keyboard.

    sarukun on
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Swap the N and M keys on their keyboard

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist I swear! Registered User regular
    I'd force them to buy every title on their Steam wishlist even if they're not on sale.

    "Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    I would swap their bedsheets with ones that easily come loose.

  • Lost SalientLost Salient blink twice if you'd like me to mercy kill youRegistered User regular
    I HATE THAT CARPET SO HARD WTF

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    "Sandra has a good solid anti-murderer vibe. My skin felt very secure and sufficiently attached to my body when I met her. Also my organs." HAIL SATAN
  • EtchwartsEtchwarts Eyes Up Registered User regular
    I would unplug their USB cables just enough that they don't actually connect, but they still look like they're plugged in

  • IronKnuckle's GhostIronKnuckle's Ghost This is also my fault Registered User regular
    Swap out all of their electrical outlets with ones from other nations.

    For example, my favorite standard from Switzerland!
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  • PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    Steal the screws holding the handles on to all drawers and cupboards.

  • Al_watAl_wat Registered User regular
    I would steal all left socks

  • Kane Red RobeKane Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    Steal the drainage hose from their dishwasher.

  • MadicanMadican No face Registered User regular
    I will swap the drawers on every dresser and cabinet

  • Captain InertiaCaptain Inertia Central OhioRegistered User regular
    TNTrooper wrote: »
    Blake T wrote: »
    Like my toilet has clogged like maybe twice. How along with so many other things does America do toilets so poorly?

    America proudly has the biggest, least-healthy shits

    I give birth to a baby cow like every other day

    The toilet I’ve accidentally lit on fire before can handle about 11 lbs (~4 kilos) of corn-bejeweled feculence

    Umm what?

    It wasn’t just the toilet, it was also the ceiling directly above it.

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  • #pipe#pipe Cocky Stride, Musky odours Pope of Chili TownRegistered User regular
    I just realized this thread is a significant portion of the plot of the movie Amelie

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