ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
Things are still silly. I left for a long planned 'were all 40' trip with my only two friends yesterday. We talked prior about her not taking off for no reasons, she picked her mom up to help out while I'm gone yesterday. Of course nothing is ever good so last night I'm getting texts there's no hot water, I send her instructions to restart the oil furnace in the basement but it doesn't start up so I gotta call today(luckily despite being in the middle of nowhere upstate NY - not sure about local terms but it's gotta be steamed hams territory - we've got great service due to the elevation in the Adirondacks) to get someone out there and she's like 'well if I have to I'll cancel my Tuesday plans but I don't want to have to cancel my Wednesday plans' and I'm like.... When you took your birthday trip two months ago I just.covered Penny solo and my plans were 'be at home with our daughter while mommy's away'.
I don't know I guess I'm just a sap.
Do the Wednesday plans include a doctor's appointment or something else important that it would be very difficult to move?
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Gotta go see Dr. BeachDay with her sister, very important. Too hot to take Penny!
Also the furnace needed a line, igniter, and motor replacement. That's after three visits this winter to fail to diagnose any of that when it kept dieing on me. Home ownership!
0
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
I'm sorry, all of that sucks.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Things are still silly. I left for a long planned 'were all 40' trip with my only two friends yesterday. We talked prior about her not taking off for no reasons, she picked her mom up to help out while I'm gone yesterday. Of course nothing is ever good so last night I'm getting texts there's no hot water, I send her instructions to restart the oil furnace in the basement but it doesn't start up so I gotta call today(luckily despite being in the middle of nowhere upstate NY - not sure about local terms but it's gotta be steamed hams territory - we've got great service due to the elevation in the Adirondacks) to get someone out there and she's like 'well if I have to I'll cancel my Tuesday plans but I don't want to have to cancel my Wednesday plans' and I'm like.... When you took your birthday trip two months ago I just.covered Penny solo and my plans were 'be at home with our daughter while mommy's away'.
I don't know I guess I'm just a sap.
Ok I was kind of having a "I don't know both sides" take to this but... no, it's time to start heeding advice from multiple people.
Assuming you want the relationship to continue couples therapy needs to happen. I'm very hopeful because it solves/prevents a potential decade spanning headache that the kiddos will absolutely pick up on... but tbh I'm not optimistic.
But I definitely think it's time to talk to a lawyer and I think documentation time probably started awhile ago but that doesn't matter: Start now.
I've seen what happens when a dad fails to document this kind of thing and while it's gotten better over the last couple of decades, all too often the result is mom gets full custody and dad can pray that he gets to see the kiddos every other weekend because Family Court is essentially "The Judge gets to make the call" and judges tend to be old assholes that have very antiquated views on families.
My man, whether or not you want to stay with this woman is between you and your God, but you need to consider that you're dedicating your life to pleasing a woman who clearly does not want to be with you or your daughter. A woman who quite literally leverages every opportunity to leave home and avoid her family.
Just, why?
My advice is you need to put together a document of her behavior over the years, complete with printing her text messages about all of this and her constant trips. Then see a lawyer. Get custody and just get her out of your life.
Your daughter will do a lot better being with just you than around a woman who doesn't want to be her mother.
MegaMan001 on
I am in the business of saving lives.
+18
That_GuyI don't wanna be that guyRegistered Userregular
I know I've said it before but I'll say it again. This relationship is not worth salvaging. It's time to cut your losses and get out. Like many people have been saying, go talk to a lawyer. Get full custody of your kid and make a better life for yourself without your GF.
Heyo, here's a diary post to ignore, not worth reading, I am a fool.
Posting because I'm in a bad place and also faiiiiirrrlllyyyy confident i have not been doxxed(not like its worthwhile to look me up) and therapy is too expensive..
My daughter is officially my daughter which is good. My partner and I have conceived a second child, a son. Fuckin whoops! My goddamn bad. Like what I felt most compelled by was my partners insistence on our child having a sibling to rely on, not being alone; like I don't want my daughter alone in the world if I die in an accident or (more likely) from self inflicted liver failure.
I tried BetterHelp for a few months but other than costing me hundreds of dollars it provided 0% benefit. I have no idea how this service helped anyone but all it did was drain funds I cannot spare, hopefully it provides benefits to others but I gained an even more negative account balance. What works for me? Pretend shit isn't an issue.. yes that is not a solution but just tap tap tap it down is the only thing I have.
Seriously... financial concerns are a goddamn panic attack, paying for therapy just causes more distress and alleviates nothing.
I am the sole income for our household.. I watch the bank account get lower and lower every month.
It is a matter of time I cannot provide for my family any longer. Rent wont be less than the mortgage I have, what am I supposed to do?
Anyway as mentioned previously I am a fool and have led my family to ruin. I acknowledge that clicking post reply is contradictory to my earlier statement and effectively inflicts my own distress upon strangers on the internet. My apologies.
Telling my friends and my sisters we need to limit presents to like 20 bucks and no adult presents makes me feel like a real piece of shit ill tell you what.
Telling my friends and my sisters we need to limit presents to like 20 bucks and no adult presents makes me feel like a real piece of shit ill tell you what.
Just for this part right here, that's a pretty normal thing to do with family/friends, so really no guilt to be had at all here. Seen and done this a whole bunch from a wide variety of people, no biggie.
Same. Becoming an adult, having friends and family, it all adds up and it gets expensive.
$20 a person? Hell, for a while my close family just did a secret santa amongst us and had a $25 cap to keep things reasonable.
It's normal and a much better idea than letting folks get in over their heads financially trying to keep up, or for bitterness to build over some folks getting or giving more than they might deserve or whatever.
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
+3
Inquisitor772 x Penny Arcade Fight Club ChampionA fixed point in space and timeRegistered Userregular
My extended family does a capped Secret Santa & White Elephant for all the adults, and we just focus on buying gifts for the kids. It's perfectly normal to set a reasonable budget for gifts. The point of the holiday is to spend time with family, not to spend exorbitant amounts of money on each other.
Please stop beating yourself up. You are doing the best you can, and it sounds like you are a fantastic father with kids who love you.
If your partner is still spending money that you don't have, then you may want to consider that leaving her will actually make your financial situation less stressful over the long term, which then has added benefits to the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like anything has changed in terms of her behavior or your relationship, unfortunately, so if you are unwilling to make changes for yourself then consider how much better off your kids will be if you aren't spending all your money supporting their mother.
Are you actually legally married or in a state where you would be considered in a common-law marriage? Have you spoken to a lawyer about what options you might have here? Note that you can at least get a consultation without spending a single dime.
This is an abusive situation. You need to get out. Again, if not for yourself, then for your kids. They will absolutely be negatively impacted by having a neglectful mother who abuses and uses her partner.
+8
CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
edited December 2022
You've already been given good advice about your relationship, I don't think we need to recap that. I'll just say, you're not a fool or an idiot, you are the expert on your own life, you can make your own decisions for yourself and no one here has the ability to know what's best for you, OK man? You are an intelligent person, a loving father, and someone so empathetic to the needs of others that you even feel embarrassed about "only" being able to pay $20 for gift at Christmas - you certainly have a generous heart!
So instead of rehashing relationship stuff, let's see if we can discuss the pragmatics of your money situation. Are you running out of money because you can't afford food for the family? With two young kids, you could very well be eligible for SNAP: https://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/supplemental-nutrition-assistance-program. I hope you won't say you're embarassed to rely on one of our few social safety nets in this country. This program was made to help people in distress, and if that include you then brother, go get it!
You may feel that none of these programs are "supposed" to apply to you or some shit and man I don't know your exact situation, but if you're struggling then they might apply! So take a look.
Of course this is assuming you are living in the US, which does have one of the poorest and least comprehensive safety nets. If you live in a lot of other countries then your choices will be much better. Edit: Also forgot to add that there are programs by state as well, but I don't know what state you live in (again, if you live in the US at all). If you're willing to share that I could try some research on what else is available to you.
Beyond what help you can get from gov't programs, it may be time - if you haven't done it already - to completely cut off the travel budget. If your concern is whether you will become homeless next year, travelling, no matter what amount of anger it might cause, is out of the question. If you have multiple cars, you're will probably have to reduce it to a single car. If your one car costs too much in insurance, you may need to sell it and purchase a beater (and make sure only you have the keys, if frequent trips to the beach or wherever are still a thing you're paying for). You need to go into survival mode about your finances if homelessness is your next step. If you need to buy something for your household like a car seat or kids clothes, look at the second hand market - goodwill, craigslist, facebook marketplace, acquaintances who have shit in their garage they don't need, etc. If you're using too much electricity to afford your bill, start looking where you can conserve. Do you really need lights on in the daytime if you can just open the curtains to see? Can you turn the heat to 65 or 60 and just wear more sweaters and socks to keep warm and maybe use your fireplace to burn wood and add some heat? This will be a lot harder when it's warm outside, but you can go environmentalist there too, by setting your AC not to turn on until it's 80 and, well, acclimating to the discomfort that initially causes. If worst comes to worst you can start using candles at night instead of lights, or even something like a coleman lamp if you can afford it and the batteries. Obviously also look at what services you can turn off. Still have Netflix, Hulu or some other streaming service? Sorry, not anymore. Cell phones are still a necessity in this world, but hopefully you aren't still with the ultra expensive companies like Tmobile or AT&T. If you haven't already switch to a company like Ting, then that's one step down you can take. If you can't afford even that, then it's time for pay as you go phones. Internet is also as much of a necessity as electricity in 2022, but have you already called your internet company to see if you can get a cheaper plan recently? The "trick" that I learned back when I was working for a telecom is that you call in and tell them you're cancelling. They will ask why, and the only reason you have is "it's too expensive." They will then offer you a cheaper package, which you take to save money. Rinse and repeat once a year (the special packages usually only last a year).
So I know all of that advice is a fucking lot. It's essentially telling you to do one more job on top of everything you are already doing. I'm sorry about that. I wish you could rely on your spouse to do this, but from what we've all read your spouse is just dead weight in this relationship, and doesn't seem like she would be willing to put in the effort to take care of any of this. Whatever you think about this shit being "your fault", nah nah nah, dawg, it's unregulated capitalism that makes this shit possible. In a just world, no one would have to worry about being unhomed for such a stupid reason as "not having enough meaningless paper tokens." Good luck to you, brother.
Edit: I forgot to add, and I know our society makes it feel shameful but it SHOULD NOT BE because again, capitalism is dumb and pointless, but anyway: if you need to just ask for money to pay your mortgage, I and I'm sure many, many others on the forum would be happy to contribute our dollars to the cause. All you need to is DM me, or ask w/in the thread if it doesn't embarrass you too much.
Edit: Ok I know I keep adding to this, but for second-hand shit it's good to set up filters on Craigslist or Ebay for the thing you need, then you'll get an email every time someone puts up a new thing for, say, "toddler shoes" or whatever the thing is you're looking for at the moment. It can take a while to get a needed item this way, because time is the resource you pay instead of money when it comes to second-hand. But if you're able to wait the thing you want is almost guaranteed to come up at the quality and cost that you want eventually. Also, if you're able to go to weekend garage sales you'll also find a lot of hidden gems for next to nothing.
Cambiata on
Peace to fashion police, I wear my heart
On my sleeve, let the runway start
So I need a breathalyzer on my phone, sitting in the dark drinking and feeling nothing but dread isnt great.
My partner's travelling has not been as frequent the past couple months, often she just brings her mother¹ here to help watch our daughter while I'm working if she's got drs. appointments or p9icks up a shift(she works 2-5hrs 1-3 days a week at a local curiosities/local craft shop where she watches the place for the lady whos got some health problems(also has a shelf of her own stuff there). That brings in like maybe an avg of 70-$150 a week so its something.
Yesterday I was in an especially bad place because I got slammed with a $1k home repair²(well pump having issues with fluxuating pressure, nature of the issue was such if I didn't fix before it fails(who knows how long that could be but it was going to happen) it best case scenario would be a flooded basement, worst is pressured water shoots up and breaks pipes/fixtures and water damage wherever that happens). This is AFTER a summer of 4 $3-400 car issues(hers is a 2003 mines a 2012 so they're just falling apart slowly.. I just had to have my hood cable replaced(snapped, stuck closed and THEN i fail my yearly inspection due to a check engine light(some seal on a cylendar $470) in end of Oct/Mid Nov. And I hosted thanksgiving for 3 households and myself so that was a larger than avg grocery bill that week.
I appreciate all the financial tips, truly. I hope I don't come off as indignant but a lot of what you mention I have been doing: I didn't even put the ACs in this summer to save on electricity, my thermostat is set at 60 and I waited till the first cold snap when the house dropped into the high 50s to turn it on. I weather insulate/tape up my windows(which i want to replace but lol$). Im going to cancel subscriptions I have that my daughter doesn't use(FFXIV will have to go on hiatus and Rifftrax Friends sub, time to cancel my monthly NPR donation.. I never even got a tote bag anyway). I will have to try calling my internet provider but threatening to cancel is an easily called bluff, they're the only game in town and I work from home but maybe they'll follow the phone tree to the 'give a little carrot to the dumb donkey to keep him going'. As we are not married my partner's health insurance is free with almost no out of pocket cost(like we did not have a bill when our daughter was born). We also make use of the WIC program here in MA which gives us $X of fruit/veg and X# of qualifying items(like 5 galleons of milk a month, 2x loaves of whole wheat bread, etc) which I get looks sometimes from douchy cashiers but most are fine, I use self checkout where I can to avoid that. A woodstove is another thing on the home improvement wish list, I have a spot/chimney that wa sin place when I purchased the house in 2018 just need the stove but, $$$).
Just got to tighten the belt and keep on keeping on. Tax returns will be greatly anticipated to get back in the black along with the yearly bonus the company pays out in February(like 7hundo after taxes avg). One silver lining for next year is when my son is born(yes same partner, yeah probably shouldn't have but I honestly cant see leaving this relationship just such a mess doing that) my company gives 3 months paid paternal leave and I'm rolling over 40hrs to go with my normal 3 weeks PTO so I can forget work for a while come April.
¹,²
Lol just pile it on C-c-c-combo in spoiler
So when the plumbers came one of my three cats was hiding in the basement, for some reason he hid in the sump pump hole and when they dropped a bucket of water in there they got him(hes all black so no way they would know he was there). He was fine but scared, I dried him off but he spent the night hiding upstairs. He did come out as he jumped up on the bed at night a couple times.
However in the morning when I got up he didn't come out, couldn't find him anywhere, tore the house apart. Only explanation is he got out fucking side; my partners mom is up since partner is working a few shifts this weekend(which normally as i work M-F that snot needed but theres also several Drs appts Monday while I'm working so she was mainly here for that but also we got the Christmas tree so shes up to help decorate with our daughter). She smokes so pretty much what happened was for her morning cigarette she wasn't careful going out and he slipped out with her. So by the time I got up it was already a few hours since ehr moring cigarette and hes been gone all day.
Leaving the garage open overnight. Were in a rural area(coyotes, bears, bobcats, foxes, bald eagles, conservatives) so i feel like I'm not going to see my guy again. This is after burying another cat who I spent a few thousand on between summer 21 and spring 22 who died(and I couldn't afford to keep spending money on him they never diagnosed the issue and additional tests were like double what I already spent so yeah additional money guilt for lettings him die and now another cat is fucking gone.
Fuck man, shit sucks!
0
CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
Oh hon, I'm so sorry about the kitty, here's hoping he's just hiding in a really good spot on account of the scare he got.
You don't sound indignant at all, I'm glad you have all that shit already covered! Regarding the internet company, if they are a national company like Spectrum, AT&T, Verizon, etc. (and probably even if they are not) then it doesn't matter if they are the "only game in town" as far as the process for getting that discount goes. Just say you'll cancel because you can't afford it anymore and they'll do something for you. Even if it would seem obvious you're bluffing, they'll still knock your price down some sort of way; just make sure you don't bring any other complaints in, the only reason you're cancelling is money, so they can follow their script and give you $10 off per month or whatnot.
Peace to fashion police, I wear my heart
On my sleeve, let the runway start
+9
Inquisitor772 x Penny Arcade Fight Club ChampionA fixed point in space and timeRegistered Userregular
I use Billfixers and they've done a good job at keeping my cable bill relatively low. There are plenty of services like that which may be worth looking into - if you don't have the energy to do the negotiating yourself then they will do it for you, and you will have a lower bill than you otherwise would.
Jesus fucking CHRIST i can at least post some good news.
I have no fucking idea where he was all day given I ripped closets out and under sink cabinets and everything, shaking his favorite rarely given Good Stuff treats, but I do another lap of the outside and come inside feeling dread and hes sitting in the goddamn tub while im ugly crying into the sink. He literally appeared from nowhere, I ripped every crevasse up overturned closets, stripped and scoured evry basement shelf and the bits above the foundation below the frame of the house I have NO IDEA where he hid himself. I moved every piece of furniture... he found some good hole goddamn.
Fuck me im relived and pissed off in equal very large measures. He got a crushing hug and several of the premium treats (tubes of mush protein varieties which I bought for our expired cat who had trouble keeping solid food down)while i told him what a goddamn bastard he is.
Piece of shit. My fucking boy Nox.
Alexandier on
+47
CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
Jesus fucking CHRIST i can at least post some good news.
I have no fucking idea where he was all day given I ripped closets out and under sink cabinets and everything, shaking his favorite rarely given Good Stuff treats, but I do another lap of the outside and come inside feeling dread and hes sitting in the goddamn tub while im ugly crying into the sink. He literally appeared from nowhere, I ripped every crevasse up overturned closets, stripped and scoured evry basement shelf and the bits above the foundation below the frame of the house I have NO IDEA where he hid himself. I moved every piece of furniture... he found some good hole goddamn.
Fuck me im relived and pissed off in equal very large measures. He got a crushing hug and several of the premium treats (tubes of mush protein varieties which I bought for our expired cat who had trouble keeping solid food down)while i told him what a goddamn bastard he is.
Piece of shit. My fucking boy Nox.
Yay, sweet boy showed up! I had a strong hope that he might, kitties can be insanely clever when they really don't want to be found.
Give that loveable bastard some extra scritches from me.
Peace to fashion police, I wear my heart
On my sleeve, let the runway start
So I need a breathalyzer on my phone, sitting in the dark drinking and feeling nothing but dread isnt great.
My partner's travelling has not been as frequent the past couple months, often she just brings her mother¹ here to help watch our daughter while I'm working if she's got drs. appointments or p9icks up a shift(she works 2-5hrs 1-3 days a week at a local curiosities/local craft shop where she watches the place for the lady whos got some health problems(also has a shelf of her own stuff there). That brings in like maybe an avg of 70-$150 a week so its something.
Yesterday I was in an especially bad place because I got slammed with a $1k home repair²(well pump having issues with fluxuating pressure, nature of the issue was such if I didn't fix before it fails(who knows how long that could be but it was going to happen) it best case scenario would be a flooded basement, worst is pressured water shoots up and breaks pipes/fixtures and water damage wherever that happens). This is AFTER a summer of 4 $3-400 car issues(hers is a 2003 mines a 2012 so they're just falling apart slowly.. I just had to have my hood cable replaced(snapped, stuck closed and THEN i fail my yearly inspection due to a check engine light(some seal on a cylendar $470) in end of Oct/Mid Nov. And I hosted thanksgiving for 3 households and myself so that was a larger than avg grocery bill that week.
I appreciate all the financial tips, truly. I hope I don't come off as indignant but a lot of what you mention I have been doing: I didn't even put the ACs in this summer to save on electricity, my thermostat is set at 60 and I waited till the first cold snap when the house dropped into the high 50s to turn it on. I weather insulate/tape up my windows(which i want to replace but lol$). Im going to cancel subscriptions I have that my daughter doesn't use(FFXIV will have to go on hiatus and Rifftrax Friends sub, time to cancel my monthly NPR donation.. I never even got a tote bag anyway). I will have to try calling my internet provider but threatening to cancel is an easily called bluff, they're the only game in town and I work from home but maybe they'll follow the phone tree to the 'give a little carrot to the dumb donkey to keep him going'. As we are not married my partner's health insurance is free with almost no out of pocket cost(like we did not have a bill when our daughter was born). We also make use of the WIC program here in MA which gives us $X of fruit/veg and X# of qualifying items(like 5 galleons of milk a month, 2x loaves of whole wheat bread, etc) which I get looks sometimes from douchy cashiers but most are fine, I use self checkout where I can to avoid that. A woodstove is another thing on the home improvement wish list, I have a spot/chimney that wa sin place when I purchased the house in 2018 just need the stove but, $$$).
Just got to tighten the belt and keep on keeping on. Tax returns will be greatly anticipated to get back in the black along with the yearly bonus the company pays out in February(like 7hundo after taxes avg). One silver lining for next year is when my son is born(yes same partner, yeah probably shouldn't have but I honestly cant see leaving this relationship just such a mess doing that) my company gives 3 months paid paternal leave and I'm rolling over 40hrs to go with my normal 3 weeks PTO so I can forget work for a while come April.
¹,²
Lol just pile it on C-c-c-combo in spoiler
So when the plumbers came one of my three cats was hiding in the basement, for some reason he hid in the sump pump hole and when they dropped a bucket of water in there they got him(hes all black so no way they would know he was there). He was fine but scared, I dried him off but he spent the night hiding upstairs. He did come out as he jumped up on the bed at night a couple times.
However in the morning when I got up he didn't come out, couldn't find him anywhere, tore the house apart. Only explanation is he got out fucking side; my partners mom is up since partner is working a few shifts this weekend(which normally as i work M-F that snot needed but theres also several Drs appts Monday while I'm working so she was mainly here for that but also we got the Christmas tree so shes up to help decorate with our daughter). She smokes so pretty much what happened was for her morning cigarette she wasn't careful going out and he slipped out with her. So by the time I got up it was already a few hours since ehr moring cigarette and hes been gone all day.
Leaving the garage open overnight. Were in a rural area(coyotes, bears, bobcats, foxes, bald eagles, conservatives) so i feel like I'm not going to see my guy again. This is after burying another cat who I spent a few thousand on between summer 21 and spring 22 who died(and I couldn't afford to keep spending money on him they never diagnosed the issue and additional tests were like double what I already spent so yeah additional money guilt for lettings him die and now another cat is fucking gone.
Fuck man, shit sucks!
Again, you should really see if there are any local therapy options that you can take advantage of even with your financial concerns. Many therapists do sliding scale, and some municipalities have programs for free therapy too
I'm sorry but saying "yeah I shouldn't have participated in conceiving another child but leaving the relationship will be a mess" does not instill confidence that this is a good space for you both to contribute to raising these kids; a relationship where you feel trapped and obligated due to patterns of abuse is not a great home for those kids to live in or build expectations of what a relationship should be, on top of it clearly being a source of misery for you
Heyo, here's a diary post to ignore, not worth reading, I am a fool.
Posting because I'm in a bad place and also faiiiiirrrlllyyyy confident i have not been doxxed(not like its worthwhile to look me up) and therapy is too expensive..
My daughter is officially my daughter which is good. My partner and I have conceived a second child, a son. Fuckin whoops! My goddamn bad. Like what I felt most compelled by was my partners insistence on our child having a sibling to rely on, not being alone; like I don't want my daughter alone in the world if I die in an accident or (more likely) from self inflicted liver failure.
I tried BetterHelp for a few months but other than costing me hundreds of dollars it provided 0% benefit. I have no idea how this service helped anyone but all it did was drain funds I cannot spare, hopefully it provides benefits to others but I gained an even more negative account balance. What works for me? Pretend shit isn't an issue.. yes that is not a solution but just tap tap tap it down is the only thing I have.
Seriously... financial concerns are a goddamn panic attack, paying for therapy just causes more distress and alleviates nothing.
I am the sole income for our household.. I watch the bank account get lower and lower every month.
It is a matter of time I cannot provide for my family any longer. Rent wont be less than the mortgage I have, what am I supposed to do?
Anyway as mentioned previously I am a fool and have led my family to ruin. I acknowledge that clicking post reply is contradictory to my earlier statement and effectively inflicts my own distress upon strangers on the internet. My apologies.
Um... yeah, none of this is particularly good I guess. My sympathies.
I guess as far as anything practical goes, have you prepared for a possible post-partum meltdown similar to what occurred after the birth of your daughter?
If you'll forgive the prying, I note that you decided to have a second child due to not wanting your daughter to be alone in the event of your death. Is there a reason that your partner is not mentioned in that scenario?
Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!
Posts
Do the Wednesday plans include a doctor's appointment or something else important that it would be very difficult to move?
Also the furnace needed a line, igniter, and motor replacement. That's after three visits this winter to fail to diagnose any of that when it kept dieing on me. Home ownership!
Ok I was kind of having a "I don't know both sides" take to this but... no, it's time to start heeding advice from multiple people.
Assuming you want the relationship to continue couples therapy needs to happen. I'm very hopeful because it solves/prevents a potential decade spanning headache that the kiddos will absolutely pick up on... but tbh I'm not optimistic.
But I definitely think it's time to talk to a lawyer and I think documentation time probably started awhile ago but that doesn't matter: Start now.
I've seen what happens when a dad fails to document this kind of thing and while it's gotten better over the last couple of decades, all too often the result is mom gets full custody and dad can pray that he gets to see the kiddos every other weekend because Family Court is essentially "The Judge gets to make the call" and judges tend to be old assholes that have very antiquated views on families.
Just, why?
My advice is you need to put together a document of her behavior over the years, complete with printing her text messages about all of this and her constant trips. Then see a lawyer. Get custody and just get her out of your life.
Your daughter will do a lot better being with just you than around a woman who doesn't want to be her mother.
Posting because I'm in a bad place and also faiiiiirrrlllyyyy confident i have not been doxxed(not like its worthwhile to look me up) and therapy is too expensive..
My daughter is officially my daughter which is good. My partner and I have conceived a second child, a son. Fuckin whoops! My goddamn bad. Like what I felt most compelled by was my partners insistence on our child having a sibling to rely on, not being alone; like I don't want my daughter alone in the world if I die in an accident or (more likely) from self inflicted liver failure.
I tried BetterHelp for a few months but other than costing me hundreds of dollars it provided 0% benefit. I have no idea how this service helped anyone but all it did was drain funds I cannot spare, hopefully it provides benefits to others but I gained an even more negative account balance. What works for me? Pretend shit isn't an issue.. yes that is not a solution but just tap tap tap it down is the only thing I have.
Seriously... financial concerns are a goddamn panic attack, paying for therapy just causes more distress and alleviates nothing.
I am the sole income for our household.. I watch the bank account get lower and lower every month.
It is a matter of time I cannot provide for my family any longer. Rent wont be less than the mortgage I have, what am I supposed to do?
Anyway as mentioned previously I am a fool and have led my family to ruin. I acknowledge that clicking post reply is contradictory to my earlier statement and effectively inflicts my own distress upon strangers on the internet. My apologies.
Just for this part right here, that's a pretty normal thing to do with family/friends, so really no guilt to be had at all here. Seen and done this a whole bunch from a wide variety of people, no biggie.
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$20 a person? Hell, for a while my close family just did a secret santa amongst us and had a $25 cap to keep things reasonable.
It's normal and a much better idea than letting folks get in over their heads financially trying to keep up, or for bitterness to build over some folks getting or giving more than they might deserve or whatever.
Please stop beating yourself up. You are doing the best you can, and it sounds like you are a fantastic father with kids who love you.
If your partner is still spending money that you don't have, then you may want to consider that leaving her will actually make your financial situation less stressful over the long term, which then has added benefits to the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like anything has changed in terms of her behavior or your relationship, unfortunately, so if you are unwilling to make changes for yourself then consider how much better off your kids will be if you aren't spending all your money supporting their mother.
Are you actually legally married or in a state where you would be considered in a common-law marriage? Have you spoken to a lawyer about what options you might have here? Note that you can at least get a consultation without spending a single dime.
This is an abusive situation. You need to get out. Again, if not for yourself, then for your kids. They will absolutely be negatively impacted by having a neglectful mother who abuses and uses her partner.
So instead of rehashing relationship stuff, let's see if we can discuss the pragmatics of your money situation. Are you running out of money because you can't afford food for the family? With two young kids, you could very well be eligible for SNAP: https://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/supplemental-nutrition-assistance-program. I hope you won't say you're embarassed to rely on one of our few social safety nets in this country. This program was made to help people in distress, and if that include you then brother, go get it!
I don't know if healthcare for your little ones is also a concern, but if it is, there is CHIP: https://www.usa.gov/benefits#item-35462
For general welfare money, if you qualify, there's TANF: https://www.usa.gov/benefits#item-36602
You may feel that none of these programs are "supposed" to apply to you or some shit and man I don't know your exact situation, but if you're struggling then they might apply! So take a look.
Of course this is assuming you are living in the US, which does have one of the poorest and least comprehensive safety nets. If you live in a lot of other countries then your choices will be much better. Edit: Also forgot to add that there are programs by state as well, but I don't know what state you live in (again, if you live in the US at all). If you're willing to share that I could try some research on what else is available to you.
Beyond what help you can get from gov't programs, it may be time - if you haven't done it already - to completely cut off the travel budget. If your concern is whether you will become homeless next year, travelling, no matter what amount of anger it might cause, is out of the question. If you have multiple cars, you're will probably have to reduce it to a single car. If your one car costs too much in insurance, you may need to sell it and purchase a beater (and make sure only you have the keys, if frequent trips to the beach or wherever are still a thing you're paying for). You need to go into survival mode about your finances if homelessness is your next step. If you need to buy something for your household like a car seat or kids clothes, look at the second hand market - goodwill, craigslist, facebook marketplace, acquaintances who have shit in their garage they don't need, etc. If you're using too much electricity to afford your bill, start looking where you can conserve. Do you really need lights on in the daytime if you can just open the curtains to see? Can you turn the heat to 65 or 60 and just wear more sweaters and socks to keep warm and maybe use your fireplace to burn wood and add some heat? This will be a lot harder when it's warm outside, but you can go environmentalist there too, by setting your AC not to turn on until it's 80 and, well, acclimating to the discomfort that initially causes. If worst comes to worst you can start using candles at night instead of lights, or even something like a coleman lamp if you can afford it and the batteries. Obviously also look at what services you can turn off. Still have Netflix, Hulu or some other streaming service? Sorry, not anymore. Cell phones are still a necessity in this world, but hopefully you aren't still with the ultra expensive companies like Tmobile or AT&T. If you haven't already switch to a company like Ting, then that's one step down you can take. If you can't afford even that, then it's time for pay as you go phones. Internet is also as much of a necessity as electricity in 2022, but have you already called your internet company to see if you can get a cheaper plan recently? The "trick" that I learned back when I was working for a telecom is that you call in and tell them you're cancelling. They will ask why, and the only reason you have is "it's too expensive." They will then offer you a cheaper package, which you take to save money. Rinse and repeat once a year (the special packages usually only last a year).
So I know all of that advice is a fucking lot. It's essentially telling you to do one more job on top of everything you are already doing. I'm sorry about that. I wish you could rely on your spouse to do this, but from what we've all read your spouse is just dead weight in this relationship, and doesn't seem like she would be willing to put in the effort to take care of any of this. Whatever you think about this shit being "your fault", nah nah nah, dawg, it's unregulated capitalism that makes this shit possible. In a just world, no one would have to worry about being unhomed for such a stupid reason as "not having enough meaningless paper tokens." Good luck to you, brother.
Edit: I forgot to add, and I know our society makes it feel shameful but it SHOULD NOT BE because again, capitalism is dumb and pointless, but anyway: if you need to just ask for money to pay your mortgage, I and I'm sure many, many others on the forum would be happy to contribute our dollars to the cause. All you need to is DM me, or ask w/in the thread if it doesn't embarrass you too much.
Edit: Ok I know I keep adding to this, but for second-hand shit it's good to set up filters on Craigslist or Ebay for the thing you need, then you'll get an email every time someone puts up a new thing for, say, "toddler shoes" or whatever the thing is you're looking for at the moment. It can take a while to get a needed item this way, because time is the resource you pay instead of money when it comes to second-hand. But if you're able to wait the thing you want is almost guaranteed to come up at the quality and cost that you want eventually. Also, if you're able to go to weekend garage sales you'll also find a lot of hidden gems for next to nothing.
On my sleeve, let the runway start
My partner's travelling has not been as frequent the past couple months, often she just brings her mother¹ here to help watch our daughter while I'm working if she's got drs. appointments or p9icks up a shift(she works 2-5hrs 1-3 days a week at a local curiosities/local craft shop where she watches the place for the lady whos got some health problems(also has a shelf of her own stuff there). That brings in like maybe an avg of 70-$150 a week so its something.
Yesterday I was in an especially bad place because I got slammed with a $1k home repair²(well pump having issues with fluxuating pressure, nature of the issue was such if I didn't fix before it fails(who knows how long that could be but it was going to happen) it best case scenario would be a flooded basement, worst is pressured water shoots up and breaks pipes/fixtures and water damage wherever that happens). This is AFTER a summer of 4 $3-400 car issues(hers is a 2003 mines a 2012 so they're just falling apart slowly.. I just had to have my hood cable replaced(snapped, stuck closed and THEN i fail my yearly inspection due to a check engine light(some seal on a cylendar $470) in end of Oct/Mid Nov. And I hosted thanksgiving for 3 households and myself so that was a larger than avg grocery bill that week.
I appreciate all the financial tips, truly. I hope I don't come off as indignant but a lot of what you mention I have been doing: I didn't even put the ACs in this summer to save on electricity, my thermostat is set at 60 and I waited till the first cold snap when the house dropped into the high 50s to turn it on. I weather insulate/tape up my windows(which i want to replace but lol$). Im going to cancel subscriptions I have that my daughter doesn't use(FFXIV will have to go on hiatus and Rifftrax Friends sub, time to cancel my monthly NPR donation.. I never even got a tote bag anyway). I will have to try calling my internet provider but threatening to cancel is an easily called bluff, they're the only game in town and I work from home but maybe they'll follow the phone tree to the 'give a little carrot to the dumb donkey to keep him going'. As we are not married my partner's health insurance is free with almost no out of pocket cost(like we did not have a bill when our daughter was born). We also make use of the WIC program here in MA which gives us $X of fruit/veg and X# of qualifying items(like 5 galleons of milk a month, 2x loaves of whole wheat bread, etc) which I get looks sometimes from douchy cashiers but most are fine, I use self checkout where I can to avoid that. A woodstove is another thing on the home improvement wish list, I have a spot/chimney that wa sin place when I purchased the house in 2018 just need the stove but, $$$).
Just got to tighten the belt and keep on keeping on. Tax returns will be greatly anticipated to get back in the black along with the yearly bonus the company pays out in February(like 7hundo after taxes avg). One silver lining for next year is when my son is born(yes same partner, yeah probably shouldn't have but I honestly cant see leaving this relationship just such a mess doing that) my company gives 3 months paid paternal leave and I'm rolling over 40hrs to go with my normal 3 weeks PTO so I can forget work for a while come April.
¹,²
Lol just pile it on C-c-c-combo in spoiler
However in the morning when I got up he didn't come out, couldn't find him anywhere, tore the house apart. Only explanation is he got out fucking side; my partners mom is up since partner is working a few shifts this weekend(which normally as i work M-F that snot needed but theres also several Drs appts Monday while I'm working so she was mainly here for that but also we got the Christmas tree so shes up to help decorate with our daughter). She smokes so pretty much what happened was for her morning cigarette she wasn't careful going out and he slipped out with her. So by the time I got up it was already a few hours since ehr moring cigarette and hes been gone all day.
Leaving the garage open overnight. Were in a rural area(coyotes, bears, bobcats, foxes, bald eagles, conservatives) so i feel like I'm not going to see my guy again. This is after burying another cat who I spent a few thousand on between summer 21 and spring 22 who died(and I couldn't afford to keep spending money on him they never diagnosed the issue and additional tests were like double what I already spent so yeah additional money guilt for lettings him die and now another cat is fucking gone.
Fuck man, shit sucks!
You don't sound indignant at all, I'm glad you have all that shit already covered! Regarding the internet company, if they are a national company like Spectrum, AT&T, Verizon, etc. (and probably even if they are not) then it doesn't matter if they are the "only game in town" as far as the process for getting that discount goes. Just say you'll cancel because you can't afford it anymore and they'll do something for you. Even if it would seem obvious you're bluffing, they'll still knock your price down some sort of way; just make sure you don't bring any other complaints in, the only reason you're cancelling is money, so they can follow their script and give you $10 off per month or whatnot.
On my sleeve, let the runway start
I have no fucking idea where he was all day given I ripped closets out and under sink cabinets and everything, shaking his favorite rarely given Good Stuff treats, but I do another lap of the outside and come inside feeling dread and hes sitting in the goddamn tub while im ugly crying into the sink. He literally appeared from nowhere, I ripped every crevasse up overturned closets, stripped and scoured evry basement shelf and the bits above the foundation below the frame of the house I have NO IDEA where he hid himself. I moved every piece of furniture... he found some good hole goddamn.
Fuck me im relived and pissed off in equal very large measures. He got a crushing hug and several of the premium treats (tubes of mush protein varieties which I bought for our expired cat who had trouble keeping solid food down)while i told him what a goddamn bastard he is.
Piece of shit. My fucking boy Nox.
Yay, sweet boy showed up! I had a strong hope that he might, kitties can be insanely clever when they really don't want to be found.
Give that loveable bastard some extra scritches from me.
On my sleeve, let the runway start
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Again, you should really see if there are any local therapy options that you can take advantage of even with your financial concerns. Many therapists do sliding scale, and some municipalities have programs for free therapy too
I'm sorry but saying "yeah I shouldn't have participated in conceiving another child but leaving the relationship will be a mess" does not instill confidence that this is a good space for you both to contribute to raising these kids; a relationship where you feel trapped and obligated due to patterns of abuse is not a great home for those kids to live in or build expectations of what a relationship should be, on top of it clearly being a source of misery for you
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Um... yeah, none of this is particularly good I guess. My sympathies.
I guess as far as anything practical goes, have you prepared for a possible post-partum meltdown similar to what occurred after the birth of your daughter?
If you'll forgive the prying, I note that you decided to have a second child due to not wanting your daughter to be alone in the event of your death. Is there a reason that your partner is not mentioned in that scenario?