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Boyfriends, friends, and silliness.
AlyceInWonderland
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Oh God, where to start.
The people involved:
*Me
*Jim-My boyfriend
*Carol, Gina, Rachel, nora (May refer to as "the girls" or whatever)-My friends
Now, I began dating my boyfriend over a month ago, and with us everything is fine and dandy, and there are no problems there. However, my friends are a different story. They didn't like Jim from the beginning, due to preconceived notions about him (They thought he was arrogant in a class they had with him, and that he was weird in HS because he wore PJ pants a lot and was over weight....all of this has changed since graduated and got out of boot camp several months ago, and to me, he is/was just fine), and didn't like the fact that him and I knew eachother for 2 weeks before he asked me out (too short of time apparently).
So anyway, this is my first boyfriend. Everything having to do with a relationship is absolutely new for me, and it's exciting, and different. It's normal for someone to hang out with their boyfriend a lot, right? It's normal to think "hey, y'know, I think i wanna hang out with Jim today, and not the girls today!" or "They have to stay after for class, I think I'm going to go home and hang out with my boyfriend because I have nothing else to do!" That's acceptable, right? It's not a horrible thing, correct?
Problems:
According to my friends, no. It's not acceptable. They think I'm hiding him and being secretive because I don't tell them that i'm hanging out with him that day, or when they call I don't immediately tell them that Jim is at my house, however mention it later in the conversation.
They also get pissed off and think I'm being secretive when I hide the phone under the table and text him during lunch when he texts me asking how my day was. I've told them many times that I hold the phone under the table so that I don't get yelled at by the monitors in the cafeteria. I text, close the phone, and continue to eat and talk to them.
They also got irate when I was texting him after senior banquet telling him the plans for the next day so he could find my friend's house, and know what the hell we were doing. I've repeatedly explained that to them, and they still got on my case about how i'm "ridiculous with texting" and kept on saying "LOL ur talking with jiiiiiiiiiiim again aren't U"
This week they got pissed at me for not hanging out with them much. I wanted to hang out with Jim a lot last week because on saturday he left to go Italy for the Army, and I have no way of getting in contact with him (no international calling, and no internet in the base). I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, and I thought "big deal. They're doing their english project, they can handle life with out me for a week or so"
yeah...no. Carol started telling me that she's now doubting that we'll all be friends after we graduate this month because I'm "so busy hanging out with Jim now"
I've tried talking to them about it, but they just keep saying "but still, i'm worried." or "but still, I feel like his opinion matters more.." or "but still, I'm being neglected"
I feel like they're just not listening to me, and I don't know what to do. They don't understand that his is all brand new to me, and I still have the "this is exciting. I have a nice boyfriend!" butterflies and what not.
ANyway, I'm sorry if this doens't make any sense at all, it's late and I'm exhausted. If you need me to explain anything or clarify anything, just ask.
Thanks you guys!
The people involved:
*Me
*Jim-My boyfriend
*Carol, Gina, Rachel, nora (May refer to as "the girls" or whatever)-My friends
Now, I began dating my boyfriend over a month ago, and with us everything is fine and dandy, and there are no problems there. However, my friends are a different story. They didn't like Jim from the beginning, due to preconceived notions about him (They thought he was arrogant in a class they had with him, and that he was weird in HS because he wore PJ pants a lot and was over weight....all of this has changed since graduated and got out of boot camp several months ago, and to me, he is/was just fine), and didn't like the fact that him and I knew eachother for 2 weeks before he asked me out (too short of time apparently).
So anyway, this is my first boyfriend. Everything having to do with a relationship is absolutely new for me, and it's exciting, and different. It's normal for someone to hang out with their boyfriend a lot, right? It's normal to think "hey, y'know, I think i wanna hang out with Jim today, and not the girls today!" or "They have to stay after for class, I think I'm going to go home and hang out with my boyfriend because I have nothing else to do!" That's acceptable, right? It's not a horrible thing, correct?
Problems:
According to my friends, no. It's not acceptable. They think I'm hiding him and being secretive because I don't tell them that i'm hanging out with him that day, or when they call I don't immediately tell them that Jim is at my house, however mention it later in the conversation.
They also get pissed off and think I'm being secretive when I hide the phone under the table and text him during lunch when he texts me asking how my day was. I've told them many times that I hold the phone under the table so that I don't get yelled at by the monitors in the cafeteria. I text, close the phone, and continue to eat and talk to them.
They also got irate when I was texting him after senior banquet telling him the plans for the next day so he could find my friend's house, and know what the hell we were doing. I've repeatedly explained that to them, and they still got on my case about how i'm "ridiculous with texting" and kept on saying "LOL ur talking with jiiiiiiiiiiim again aren't U"
This week they got pissed at me for not hanging out with them much. I wanted to hang out with Jim a lot last week because on saturday he left to go Italy for the Army, and I have no way of getting in contact with him (no international calling, and no internet in the base). I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, and I thought "big deal. They're doing their english project, they can handle life with out me for a week or so"
yeah...no. Carol started telling me that she's now doubting that we'll all be friends after we graduate this month because I'm "so busy hanging out with Jim now"
I've tried talking to them about it, but they just keep saying "but still, i'm worried." or "but still, I feel like his opinion matters more.." or "but still, I'm being neglected"
I feel like they're just not listening to me, and I don't know what to do. They don't understand that his is all brand new to me, and I still have the "this is exciting. I have a nice boyfriend!" butterflies and what not.
ANyway, I'm sorry if this doens't make any sense at all, it's late and I'm exhausted. If you need me to explain anything or clarify anything, just ask.
Thanks you guys!
AlyceInWonderland on
0
Posts
edit: and do they get all pissy about guys in general, or just this one in particular?
I would doubt you will be friends after you graduate this month. Not because you are "so busy hanging out with Jim now" but because your friends are selfish bitches who can't let you see someone that makes you happy and that makes them incredibly jealous. And personally I wouldn't want to hang around people that act this way.
One of my friends keeps blowing us off to go hang out with his girl friend. I'd like to see him but I can't, so I just deal with it.
Satans..... hints.....
I just...don't know what to do. I've talked to them about it today, and nothing has changed. Hell, I even apologized for not being there often in the past couple of weeks.
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Again. I would like you to elaborate on how they act about other men. Guys you've been interested in. Guys your other friends have been interested in. Guys they are dating. Guys they've dated in the past. Are any of them even in relationships?
Maybe they're all between relationships and are pissy because you're seeing someone and none of them are. Maybe they're jelous because Alpha Bitch was into him and now you've got him. Maybe one of them has history with him. Maybe they're controlling sociopaths.
At this point it doesn't matter. unless they know something horrible they're refusing to tell you (which I would hope isn't the case.) they pretty much don't have a leg to stand on.
If your friends are being douches about someone who is going to be gone potentially for a long time, Id get new friends.
Origin ID: Discgolfer27
Untappd ID: Discgolfer1981
Gina was in 1 relationship for 4 months, but her boyfriend broke it off because apparently she was "prudeish"...which..is essentially true. They didn't even hold hands during those 4 months. at all. They were basically just friends with the boyfriend girlfriend label...so he broke it off
Rachel hasn't had a boyfriend, but she actually is the most understanding of them all. No problems with her, actually.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but is your group of friends the type of super-close-knit group that often develops in HS? If you're the first one to get a bf and therefore start sinking time into a significant external social activity, they're probably not sure how to handle it. Just reassure them that you're not abandoning them, although don't bend over backwards. Point out that if they were in your position, they'd do the same thing. They really would. And any time they get stupid about you texting, just reply calmly "yes, I am texting Jim." don't get defensive at all. If they ask why, the only reply worth giving is "because I want to". Maybe set aside some time for you and them after he takes off to Italy.
Rachel: you're alyce, and we always depend on you to be like the rock when everything around us is changing and getting hectic, you go to see you or go to your house and its like calm and gives you a good feeling because it feels like what home should be, you don't really change on us like everything else does
Rachel: and i think this Jim thing came as a surprise because it came up as such a mystery
Rachel: so it threw us all for a loop as they say
I wish the rest could be more like this, but they just yell and get upset.
Edit: Yes, We're a very close group of friends. I have no other problems with them other than this bull.
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This is your first relationship, and your friends are not used to sharing you with someone else. This is why you're getting so much flak from them. Besides, if they are single, they're likely to be feeling jealousy as well.
I'll tell you this right off the bat: they are doing this for your attention. And the more you give them your attention, the more they will do it. From now on, if they give you shit for it, just leave. If they really do value your friendship, they'll shut up about your boyfriend. If not, maybe it's time to find some new friends, preferably ones that are not so annoyingly judgmental.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
But again, it doesn't matter at this point. Everyone here seems to be on the same page about your friends. And the more and more you say, the less and less wonderful they sound.
Sometimes I wish I could tell them to fuck off (or something even more eloquent), but that would send them into hysterics.
Edit: Sorry sliver, I'm a little off today. Anyway, the other guys I've been interested in, they seem to have no real problem with (funny enough, Jim's the least harmful, and most stable and mature of all the guys). They seem to have no problem when I like someone, but once I get a boyfriend, all hell breaks loose.
According to them I: Didn't know him long enough before we started dating, we're moving too fast (We kiss. Big fucking deal), I don't spend enough time with the, and I'm secretive.
Something is wrong here
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I don't mean to sound condescending, but are you friends with 12 year olds?
This is not a big deal. This is not even a little deal. Why are they having such trouble comprehending the fact that you have a social life without them? They need to grow the hell up.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
You have to wonder how good a person these people are if you can't be honest with them.
I love you all but it's my life and I'm not going to see my boyfriend for X months, I'm going to do what I want, which at the moment is spend as much time with him as possible is perfectly honest and something if they care about you will understand.
Satans..... hints.....
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you do, you just don't know it yet.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
I'm basically just the scape goat of the group, and it gets irritating.
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You should tell them this. If they know it is not acceptable then they will stop doing it.
Satans..... hints.....
They are taking you for granted. Plain and simple. But the fact is, you're letting them.
For example, you actually apologized to them for spending time with your boyfriend who was going overseas.
Well that's the nail in the coffin.
I am now changing my advice from "tell your friends they are being shitheels" to "tell your friends they are being shitheels and then get new friends"
edit: and the first step is optional.
I don't think you should break it off with your friends just yet, but they are overreacting a whole lot. They seem to be quite conservative.
Communication is the key however, and it seems to me they're shutting you off from that. Try writing them a letter. Tell them to try to understand you because you are trying to understand them. Perhaps there is a problem of miscommunication here. In any case, s letter would be the best option, I believe. If they don't read it, then you don't owe them anything.
I want you to know that they are talking about you behind your back mostly. Generally, when you get a group together like this, roles are established, like you being the scapegoat. Most likely what is happening, is the "leader" of your little troupe is upset because she doesn't like what is going on with you. She's probably the one seeding the bad feelings with the other girls, which is why Rachel can be nice to you when she is by herself.
This is going to be tough, but you are probably going to lose your friends as a group and just start hanging out with one or two of them without the others around. My girlfriend was basically thrown from her group of friends and they ended up throwing around lies and started telling rumors about her. It really stunned me, because only weeks before this, we were all joking and everyone seemed to love eachother. I wasn't the cause of this rift, since I wasn't going out with ehr at the time, but it sounds like the same kind of thing is happening.
Know this: If someone says they don't know if they are going to be your friend because of some petty shit like this, then they aren't really your friend.
It sounds like 1 or 2 of these girls are your friends at least, but they will not really stick up for you due to the group mentality. Just watch out, because the only way you can fix this is if you give up the boyfriend and even then, you will continue to be the scapegoat.
Losing the boyfriend isn't worth it, because it seems to me that they will just end up finding another reason to do this to you again. Speak your mind and tell them how you feel. Let them get upitty, but I assure you that when you are home, away from them, one or more will call you to apologize. These will be your true friends.
Good luck Alyce and I hope that I am wrong.
(You girls are so hard to understand. :P)
Translation: you exist for us, not yourself, how dare you make your own decisions.
Disregard my previous, fuck these guys. Tehspectre's nailed it.
I'd say it means they were already trying to come up with a reason to stop talking to you after graduation and this is just a convenient excuse. Personally if one of my friends said that sentence to me, I'd kick them out of my apartment and stop talking to them right there.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
You need to tell them they're not treating you with all due respect, and if they want to keep you as a friend (which sounds very fucking important to them), then they need to start.
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There are OBVIOUS jealousy issues at hand here, and the 4 of them all being jealous together amplifies that feeling by at least 50 times.
People don't like change. Well, most people don't. They want their routine so they know what to expect.
Now that you have a boyfriend and want to spend time with him (to address your question, your desire to spend time with him when you're not occupied is completely normal) and not your friends, they get jealous and start behaving like they are behaving.
If you talk to them and tell them to cool it, and tell them that it's your time, and you want to spend some with Jim AND them, they'll have to deal with it. Or... as most people have suggested, you may have to find new friends.
Or dump Jim, but that doesn't seem very prudent here.
There's no reason that this has to happen under normal circumstances, especially as they seem to be a close group of friends.
I definitely think you need to just clearly state to them that this behavior has to stop, and try your best to see them a reasonable amount.
Still, make time for old friends even when you make new exciting ones. A couple of hours twice a week is basic maintainence. It would also help, if your new friend isn't there, to give proper attention to the friends at hand, so to appear as though you are where you want to be, instead of looking like you want to be somewhere else (ie, texting the boyfriend constantly implies you would rather be with him instead of them). Close knit groups are rather like politics, and just like politics, perception is sometimes more important than reality. Give your friends some solid facetime, and let them know you care.
Now counter to all this (or rather along side of it) is what TehSpectre is saying, which is absolutely true. You friends are taking your consistancy for granted. People change, change is good, so friends that hamper change are not good. You have the right to change, develop and grow as a person, and there needs to be respect for that. That is some ground you need to stand firm on. Your real friends will respect your need for this, and your not-so-friends will try and pressure you into going along with what is most comfortable to them. Pay attention to who does what, and watch for those signs. One on one time is great for this as was already mentioned. You wont keep all your friends as you move forward in life, but you can make sure you do your best to keep the good ones.
Here’s what you do: tell them to take a hike if they can’t be bothered to consider your feelings. You do not need to apologize since you aren’t doing anything wrong.
Yelling at you because you spend time with your boyfriend instead of them?! That’s so stupid it hurts my head just to think about it.
Maybe it would help to point them in the direction of this and your previous thread. Maybe seeing their behavior through other peoples eyes will help them to grow up. Or not, it’s up to them.
I talked to my friends today, and they basically admitted that they're just not used to sharing me, because before Jim came along, I had no other priorities other than school and them, and then all of a sudden jim came into the picture. They kept saying "I'm happy that you're happy...but..." and made silly excuses. They're going to be tough to crack, and I guess it's going to be a while before they realize that Jim's a great guy, but I'm willling to work through this crap.
I'm not going to break up with him just because my friends are crazy. That'd probably be a mistake.
I'll see how all this works out, I suppose.
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I've never had to 'crack' my friends opinions on anything. Even if they disagreed with me they would be 100% behind me unless my BF was getting me hooked on drugs or something. And vice-versa.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.