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What the heck do I do about this guy?
SatanIsMyMotor
Fuck Warren EllisRegistered User regular
Fuck Warren EllisRegistered User regular
So, I have something that is akin to a bit of a stalker (which is a unique experience as a 42 year old male) and I have no idea what to do beyond what I've already done.
As far as the backstory goes, this is a guy I went to HS and university with and was friends with until all of this craziness started up. It all apparently stems from some sort of perceived slight I made towards him over 7 years ago at a concert. I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he's so mad about and the only thing I can think of is that I asked him to give my wife and I a couple of inches of space at a concert we were all at because he was incredibly drunk and bumping into us over and over. Even with this though, I was very polite with the guy and certainly didn't do anything I think anybody would consider untoward.
Since that time however he's been habitually sending vague threats about me and my family at random times. For the first couple of years it was incredibly frequent and pretty direct threats. Things like him threatening to get people to rape my wife, (the exact quote was about getting the Hell's Angels to have a 'good time' with my wife) etc. Back then, I'd say about 2-3 years ago I went to the RCMP (I'm in Canada) and they weren't willing to do anything (apparently it's only a "threat" if he literally threatens to cut my head off with a chainsaw, according to the police). It has tapered off but at least once a year a mutual acquaintance will reach out letting me know he's randomly texted them threatening me.
I've put on a brave face about this for my wife but I am genuinely a bit concerned about this guy. Back in HS he had a lot of mental health issues and was diagnosed as schizophrenic/bi-polar. He got properly medicated however and we eventually became friends - not close friends but we'd party together etc. Unfortunately as time passed he became a raging substance-abuser, I bring this up because a lot of his outburst seem to come our way when he's on some kind of bender.
What scares me is how capable this guy is. He's an absolute genius of a person, is well connected in both business and politics and is very respected by, well, the people that don't know him. He's also been in the military so he isn't a stranger to firearms, etc. In all honestly I think that if he wanted to do something, he absolutely could pull it off.
I've gone to the police. I've talked to all of our mutual friends and let them know what has been happening (he's since started freaking a lot of them out too - resulting in most of his best friends cutting ties). Blocked him on all socials. Today I actually reached out to a family member of his too in order to see if there's anything they can do. My wife is pregnant and literally has lived in fear of this guy for 7+ years and I'm just sick of it and want it to stop. Thankfully he doesn't live in the same city/province as me but is here often visiting family.
As far as the backstory goes, this is a guy I went to HS and university with and was friends with until all of this craziness started up. It all apparently stems from some sort of perceived slight I made towards him over 7 years ago at a concert. I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he's so mad about and the only thing I can think of is that I asked him to give my wife and I a couple of inches of space at a concert we were all at because he was incredibly drunk and bumping into us over and over. Even with this though, I was very polite with the guy and certainly didn't do anything I think anybody would consider untoward.
Since that time however he's been habitually sending vague threats about me and my family at random times. For the first couple of years it was incredibly frequent and pretty direct threats. Things like him threatening to get people to rape my wife, (the exact quote was about getting the Hell's Angels to have a 'good time' with my wife) etc. Back then, I'd say about 2-3 years ago I went to the RCMP (I'm in Canada) and they weren't willing to do anything (apparently it's only a "threat" if he literally threatens to cut my head off with a chainsaw, according to the police). It has tapered off but at least once a year a mutual acquaintance will reach out letting me know he's randomly texted them threatening me.
I've put on a brave face about this for my wife but I am genuinely a bit concerned about this guy. Back in HS he had a lot of mental health issues and was diagnosed as schizophrenic/bi-polar. He got properly medicated however and we eventually became friends - not close friends but we'd party together etc. Unfortunately as time passed he became a raging substance-abuser, I bring this up because a lot of his outburst seem to come our way when he's on some kind of bender.
What scares me is how capable this guy is. He's an absolute genius of a person, is well connected in both business and politics and is very respected by, well, the people that don't know him. He's also been in the military so he isn't a stranger to firearms, etc. In all honestly I think that if he wanted to do something, he absolutely could pull it off.
I've gone to the police. I've talked to all of our mutual friends and let them know what has been happening (he's since started freaking a lot of them out too - resulting in most of his best friends cutting ties). Blocked him on all socials. Today I actually reached out to a family member of his too in order to see if there's anything they can do. My wife is pregnant and literally has lived in fear of this guy for 7+ years and I'm just sick of it and want it to stop. Thankfully he doesn't live in the same city/province as me but is here often visiting family.
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You can also look into a peace bond which will create legal requirements for them to maintain distance, avoid certain behaviors, etc. Might be worth looking into a legal consult?
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I did hear through a mutual friend that his ex-partner has filed a restraining order against him so there's some chance this will be taken more seriously this time. Fingers crossed!
Doesn't have to be anything fancy. A lot of security cameras aren't even hooked up, they just stop idiots from doing anything they would regret if it were recorded.
And if you're on good terms with your neighbours, it doesn't hurt to say 'Hey, sorry about this, I hope this never has to come up, but there's a guy who posted a threat about me and I'm a little uneasy. Can you just keep this in the back of your mind and let me know if you ever see him hanging around?'
Not a lawyer myself, but as far as I'm aware, the bar for what constitutes a criminal threat is often pretty low. See if you can get a consult with a lawyer and bring them any actual evidence you have of the threats (text messages, facebook posts, whatever).
You can often get consults for free--depending on your location and financial situation--if you're worried about prohibitive costs. Probably not good enough to get a case together, but might give you advice on what to say to police in order for them to take the case more seriously and/or confirm whether your evidence is substantial enough to proceed with anything more.
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It won't help in the short term, but document document document. Date, time, incidents. What was said, who it was said to. If it was heard through a mutual, their contact information.
The cops get enough reports of threatening behavior that, unless you can show a repeated pattern of the behavior, it's likely to be ignored.
You have a file, so hopefully that will lend some weight to you. I think it might help if you can reopen the original file instead of getting a new one, as that would show that you've reported this behavior previously (but this is just what makes sense to me, doesn't necessarily have any bearing on reality).
Wish I had some useful advice for you on how to get cops to do their job, but it seems that's an issue for everyone.
We already have a Ring doorbell but I have been thinking about expanding the security a bit too. I really wanted to avoid the lawyer route but realize it may have to come to that.
Not so much any longer - maybe one or two people. I've come to find out that as his lies and terrible behaviour become more apparent he's started cutting ties with people. If I was to post all of the stuff I've been told by mutuals in the past week you all wouldn't even believe this whole thing is real. This is a guy who is a professional, is apparently actively consulting for the NDP in Ottawa, addicted to and selling meth and coke, stealing cars, possibly connected to a gang murder, and the list goes on.
Honestly, it's not that hard to believe. This ties into your bit about how you don't have any clue why he's so obsessed with you or why there's no rational justification for his slight; most people who wind up stalking others do not do so from a place of rationality, and the same kinds of disordered thinking that lead them to stalking also lead to them taking a bunch of other actions that are destructive towards themselves or others.
For example, while this isn't nearly as extreme, there was a story I read online about a student who believed they had some sort of platonic but deep connection with a professor, was told that was a bad idea and to not message the professor further, and then she proceeded to believe that the issue was she had not adequately explained this was not a romantic affair or that her apologies had not been read, and continuously escalated up through the university to try to simultaneously force the professor to apologize to her and to mend the relationship because they were clearly meant to (non-romantically) be together. Every action she took was escalating because she could not rationally view her actions from the outside or how people would respond to them.
Similarly, my wife's stalker only met her extremely briefly, but he believed that she was directly responsible for almost everything bad that happened in his life and that they were clearly in/supposed to be in a relationship, to the point he broke into her apartment just to eat food and kidnapped + nearly killed her by driving his car into traffic. Again, stalking behavior was not rational at all and purely the product of a one-sided obsession.
So I have no trouble believing either that you've got somebody who has a weird, one-sided obsession with you over a perceived slight, nor that the kind of person who acts that way would wind up doing other things that indicate a severe inability to make long-term decisions.
I'm really hoping I don't have to go the route of springing for a security system because of one asshole though.
Though this may be different in Canada, I sure hope it's not.
I will say that in my experience the restraining order wasn't that helpful. The person lived below me and it doesn't force them to move so the threat of violence was still there. It can't stop sudden acts of violence.
I actually can't quite stress enough how useless the local police force is. Truthfully, I'm not even sure I have much faith in the RCMP - especially considering this guy's sister is apparently an RCMP officer.
No. That's stupid.
By your own account you're dealing with someone who is deeply dangerous, high on meth, and wanting to get even with you.
It's stupid all the way down at this point, do whatever you feel is right to protect yourself and your family.
My guy, it's Canada, we don't do that here
Okay so for one, the fact that this guy works for the Privy Council is absolutely fucked because the security requirement there is generally pretty high?? Honestly, would consider posting on the canadaspublicservice subreddit to find out if this is something reportable, and to where
Also perhaps consider connecting with local police for the police report rather than RCMP? Could try your local or wherever the guy lives. Even knowing some of these local PDs are useless, it might cause them to refer you to someone specific at RCMP if it really does fall under their jurisdiction
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No mate. In no way does introducing firearms to this whole situation make it better.
Plus, as mentioned above, this is Canada. Not Florida.
A weapon you are not willing to use is your attackers weapon. SatanisMyMotor clearly communicated a gun would not be used. He absolutely should not introduce a gun as a result. Taking steps to defend yourself from a stalker is good, but often by the time someone is asking for advice it is less than helpful. They know they are in danger. They are looking for ways to not have to rely on self-defense. Tragically there sometimes isn't other measures, but it is always a good thing to check.
This disorder is isolating, and as you've described he's getting more isolated as a result. This suggests to me that he's not receiving proper medical care at all. Behavior like this should have him in regular therapy sessions and under the care of a psychiatrist who is managing a pretty serious set of meds, including at least one (probably atypical since they work better) antipsychotic and maybe a set of other things to help deal with the side effects, all of which he must take daily and get regular blood & kidney function tests in order to manage successfully.
Critical to keep in mind:
- You didn't cause this. Take a look back at the paragraph in your OP where you talk about the thing you might've done, and see if for what it is: the very natural and rational response of a victim who has been subjected to irrational threats and danger. I will say again! You Did Not Cause This Behavior. Nothing you did to this guy merits this kind of a response, so feel free to discard the entire line of thinking. There's no rational connection in his mind, I promise. Hard to accept but trying to ground his behavior in the rational will just make you blame yourself more.
- you can't change your stalker by changing yourself. The situation, i.e. you have a stalker, is not one that you can affect by doing or not doing certain behaviors. Your actions should be directed to ways you can mitigate this guy's impact on your lives and ways you can live yours that maintain vigilance but don't limit you unacceptably. A conversation with your wife about what constitutes acceptable limitation is worth having.
All of this is to say that you're not going to be able to
- predict when and how this manifests as threats against your family
- change yourselves to change him
- discover a rational basis for the stalking that "makes it make sense"
So don't try to do those things!
DO do these things:
- document every single interaction you hear about or experience. Go back and build documentation from previous incidents if you can.
- Contact a lawyer about this, and contact the police in your stalker's province each time he communicates with you or your family. "Criminal Harassment" is the thing you're wanting to report.
- Keep trying to talk to this guy's family about his behavior. People with schizoaffective disorder usually cannot understand that they're acting irrationally with regard to their delusions. The experience makes perfect sense to them while they're having it, and often they can't actually understand why they believed any of it once they're properly treated again. Someone needs to check on this dude in a medical sense before he hurts himself or someone else.
- reach out to the CASA (https://www.stalking.ca/resources) for help. The cops have likely been bullshitting you - criminal harassment is a thing they can actually do something about. Between thee folks and your lawyer, you should be able to get some movement toward a peace bond that, if / when he violates it, can be used to take further action. It sucks a lot that you have to criminalize mental health behaviors before someone will help a person with them, but it do be like that sometimes.
It doesn't matter, if SIM isn't willing to use one, you continuing to push it doesn't help at all. I am inclined to agree with you that it's the next step, but not for SIM.
No what I pushed was exploring all of their options. I specifically said I didn't advise anything they were not comfortable with. I was ready to take a sabbatical from work and go off grid for awhile. If I could have afforded to hire some security, I might have done that. I really lucked out that my dumb asshole ended up getting arrested for Jan 6th hijinks.
I wish SIMM all the luck and if he ever needs to pass the hat for help I'd be the first one to pitch in.