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Oh god my brain! (A man and his artsy girl)
Flyingman
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm only 19, I've been going out with this girl for a year now. But first to understand the story and our relationship, we must talk about me.
I'm a 19 year old graphic designer/techie/game developer. I love to game, but I also engage in a lot of outdoor activities such as rock climbing, break dancing etc. etc. But most of of all, I love to party and enjoy life. Now we have been going out for a year, all the sudden, things are going brilliantly. I've landed an awesome job, so did she, we're moving into a bigger, better place, buying kittens etc. etc. But all the sudden she bitches about everything, I mean, crying every night over "I'm not pretty enough," or "I'm not individual enough." I assure you she is both. This has been on and off for the past two months and it is now breaking point.
She considers herself "above partying" and other 19ish activities, has no real life ambitions and just generally gives me the shits. I could wait until we move into the new house and see if things change (2 days) or I could just call it off. But here is where the real problem is.
She has a friend, this friend is everything I could possibly want in a woman, I knew this only 1 month into my current relationship. The other night me and this girl spent some time together, nothing happened, but I realized "hell, this is a girl I could spend a long long time with." I'm spending some more time with her next weekend, I will not be the cheating boyfriend. See, all her friends know exactly what I am going through, because, as it turns out, my girlfriend doesn't really have any "best friends."
So here is the dilemma, I love my girlfriend, she is very close to me, but I cannot go on like this any longer. I generally like to keep as much negative crap from my life as possible. At the same time, I really really like her friend, but hell, this girl would probably call me slimy if I tried cracking on to her after just breaking up with, or whilst still dating my current girl. I'm only 19, I'm in a bit of a jam, I've never felt this way about another girl before (the friend). But I'm worried what my current girlfriend would do if I was to up and leave (self destructive).
Should I leave my girlfriend and go after the friend.
Should I start with the friend now and leave the girlfriend later (God I'd feel bad)
Should I tell them to both f*** off and start searching again (I'd be single for at least another year)*
Should I go back and live the single life?**
Should I stick with my current girl and try a bit harder?***
* I'm pretty good looking if I do say so myself, but no attractive girl in my social circle wants to date a gamer/game developer...
** Did the single life thing in High School and Uni, sorry if I sound like a whore but I'm pretty much over it.
*** I could try harder, but I feel like I am wasting my efforts on something that will inevitably end.
I'm a 19 year old graphic designer/techie/game developer. I love to game, but I also engage in a lot of outdoor activities such as rock climbing, break dancing etc. etc. But most of of all, I love to party and enjoy life. Now we have been going out for a year, all the sudden, things are going brilliantly. I've landed an awesome job, so did she, we're moving into a bigger, better place, buying kittens etc. etc. But all the sudden she bitches about everything, I mean, crying every night over "I'm not pretty enough," or "I'm not individual enough." I assure you she is both. This has been on and off for the past two months and it is now breaking point.
She considers herself "above partying" and other 19ish activities, has no real life ambitions and just generally gives me the shits. I could wait until we move into the new house and see if things change (2 days) or I could just call it off. But here is where the real problem is.
She has a friend, this friend is everything I could possibly want in a woman, I knew this only 1 month into my current relationship. The other night me and this girl spent some time together, nothing happened, but I realized "hell, this is a girl I could spend a long long time with." I'm spending some more time with her next weekend, I will not be the cheating boyfriend. See, all her friends know exactly what I am going through, because, as it turns out, my girlfriend doesn't really have any "best friends."
So here is the dilemma, I love my girlfriend, she is very close to me, but I cannot go on like this any longer. I generally like to keep as much negative crap from my life as possible. At the same time, I really really like her friend, but hell, this girl would probably call me slimy if I tried cracking on to her after just breaking up with, or whilst still dating my current girl. I'm only 19, I'm in a bit of a jam, I've never felt this way about another girl before (the friend). But I'm worried what my current girlfriend would do if I was to up and leave (self destructive).
Should I leave my girlfriend and go after the friend.
Should I start with the friend now and leave the girlfriend later (God I'd feel bad)
Should I tell them to both f*** off and start searching again (I'd be single for at least another year)*
Should I go back and live the single life?**
Should I stick with my current girl and try a bit harder?***
* I'm pretty good looking if I do say so myself, but no attractive girl in my social circle wants to date a gamer/game developer...
** Did the single life thing in High School and Uni, sorry if I sound like a whore but I'm pretty much over it.
*** I could try harder, but I feel like I am wasting my efforts on something that will inevitably end.
Flyingman on
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I'm not even kidding. You're seeing a lot of things that probably aren't there and idolizing a person who's probably not actually that different from your girlfriend, given that they obviously get along well. And speaking of your girlfriend, since you're clearly so uninterested in her maybe you could let her know and at least be honest about it.
No one is perfect. The moment you start to think some girl you've met is, you know you need to back off. Spend some time alone, worry about falling in love or whatever later. You sound a lot like someone who desperately wants to be in a relationship and that's a really bad sign.
No girl is ever going to make you happy or satisfied and until you're at the stage where you're fine being yourself, you're not actually ready to be in a meaningful, long term relationship and you're going to keep finding yourself at this grass is greener stage where somehow a person you couldn't get enough of once upon a time is the bane of your existence.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I don't know if you need 6 months as a single guy again, but definitely at least 2. Be the other girls friend, and in a few months, if you still think it would be awsomeness to be with her, then go for it.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
But break up with your girlfriend first.
Yes leap frogging from relationship to relationship without ever taking time to learn to be happy with yourself will certainly not result in consistently finding yourself dissatisfied and miserable on a pathetically predictable cycle. No, that's going to result in deep, meaningful relationships that provide longterm happiness and a sense of fulfillment.
Certainly.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
If he'd described a pattern of doing this in the past, I'd agree with you.
But he knows what he wants now and the opportunity is there. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out - but it's jsut as likely to work out now as it is in six months. Sure, he might think things thorugh, take a breath, and decide that's what's really right for him, giving him and even better foundation to start a relationship. She also might have found someone else.
He may end up dissatisfied and find that jumping so soon was a bad idea - but if he's not going to happy with this new girl now it's unlikely he'll be happy with her later. Take the chance now.
I know the OP says that he got over the "single life" thing in high school, but I think he should date more. Go meet some new people The relationship isn't working, but wrapping up all your expectations in a single female friend won't work, either.
You know you're basically shooting yourself in the foot with this attitude, right? You could be a garbageman and no woman would care unless you treat it like a big deal, as long as you're stably and gainfully employed (and even that's sometimes optional). But if you're looking at yourself and going, "I'm unattractive because of my job" you start giving out unconscious signals that you're 'broken,' and that right there is dating kryptonite.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Also to build on Feral's point, all that means is that you need a better social circle. Or maybe you talk about work constantly. Hint: talking about work constantly is fucking boring most of the time. Unless you're relating an anecdote about the crazy guy in the next cube over at work, no one really wants to hear it. That's true if you're a stock broker, programmer, teacher, doctor or lawyer or anything else. Even the day to day details of an astronaut's job would be boring as shit.
Assuming you're not socially retarded, what you do for a living shouldn't even matter unless you're selling drugs or breaking legs for the mob. Don't let your job define you, and don't buy into bullshit stereotypes.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
There's a lot of truth there. But the "new girl," whoever she is in whatever situation, is always going to make someone irrational. Yes, he's young so he maybe doesn't know better, but at the same time sitting back and not doing anything isn't necessrily going to make it better. If it's she's not the one (and likely she's not), he'll find out eventually, either now or in six months. He's got the opportunity now, I say go for it. It sounds like he's unhappy in his current relationship, regardless of everything else he should get out of it. Whether he waits six months to pursue this other girl or goes after her right away I don't think will make a big difference. There's a lot to be said for taking the opportunity now.
Couldn't agree more on those points. There's no reason your job should define you. It's part of who are, and hopefully it's something you're passionate about, but that doesn't anyone will really care to hear about it all the time.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
But if you do actually like your girlfriend, and I mean that in more than just "she's so hot" sort of way, you need to tell her that you just cannot stand her attitude. You would need to find out what it is that's bothering her, and if you're up to the task, help her fix it. But if she stonewalls or shows no interest in even helping herself, then she's a lost cause. She's obviously unhappy about something -- no one actually enjoys being in a bad mood all of the time. But if she's not willing to help herself when you point it out, ditch her AND the friend.
1. game developers can date very attractive women
2. some very attractive women work in the games industry
Indeed, your own girlfriend is currently dating a game developer, and you described her as pretty. So you know its possible.
As to the core problem, while the life situation was described as "going brilliantly" its quite possible that the girlfriend, at that age, is quite possibly feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like things are improving (but changing) quite rapidly, so its not surprising she feels at times like she might be left behind ("I'm not pretty enough") while at other times is tyring to push ahead too fast ("I'm above partying").
Get some time alone and take a step back to think about what it is that you really want. If you aren't just using these current relationship issues as an excuse to break up, then try to be understanding of the pressure your girlfriend might be under during this time and see how things work out over the next couple of months when you both get used to the changes. If you are confident that there are traits you want in a partner that your girlfriend doesn't possess, then it would be better to break up sooner rather than later.
Lastly, you shouldn't consider being single a bad thing. Its a cliche, but you are young and have plenty of time. Being single gives you the advantage of complete freedom and the power of choice. Be confident when you are single and you'll find yourself enjoying that time a lot more.
I like the suggestion of staying friends with this girl after I break up and seeing how things are 3 months later.
And lastly an update.
My girlfriend told me she wants to go see a therapist as she isn't feeling right about her situation when she knows she should be.
All of a sudden the she is bursting out the "I'm not pretty enough".
But the "Not individual enough" thing is pretty bloody stupid.
I think she is either going through a tough time, or she thinks things are solid enough with you that she can stop trying.
Girls are always concerned with how they look, both to themselves an other people. If she's in an "artistic" work enviornment, she probably feels a lot of pressure to stand out and be an individual. If she's got confidence issues, then she's got confidence issues, there's probably not a lot that you can do to change that as her boyfriend, that's just something that she's going to have to figure out for herself. Most likely she's just 'fishing' for compliments, we females like that tactic because it's a way to get you guys to tell us that we're pretty. Something that may help (if you do decide to try and 'mend' things) is just saying "wow, you look really pretty" (or something similar) may help you avoid a meltdown later on in the night. Girls are kind of ridiculous in that we expect you to know to say/do things...without us telling you. She's probably just feeling neglected and just crying out for your attention.
IMO, she's turning crazy and you should dump her ass--she's pulling the desperate crazy card and from that point there's nowhere but down.
I agree with the previous posters is that you should take some time off and try being just friends with the other girl, if you're getting mixed messages just wait it out. If you're doing the "three month single" thing and she does like you, she's probably going to make the move before then. (but maybe that's just me, some girls can wait it out).