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HEY EVERYONE! LET'S BLOW SHIT UP!
Rankenphile
Passersby were amazedby the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
Passersby were amazedby the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
Dearest SE++;
We are on the verge of the greatest holiday of all, right now. Well, most of us. The ones who live in America. Because man what the hell why wouldn't you live in America, WE GOT THE GODDAMNED FOURTH OF JULY!
Right now, as we speak, small children are eagerly awaiting tomorrow's nightfall, where they will be handed lit cigarettes to light off mortar shells, each of which could potentially spell their doom. This is how America prepares children for a long future of gambling. It's a time-honored tradition.
As they enter adolescence these children quickly realize that those little snake pellets that turn into a big nasty smelling ash snake thing and turn the sidewalk all yellow suck. Those littler popper things you throw at the ground next to your cat to watch it do a backflip and run off for three days suck. Those sparklers with the faggy little tissue paper tips and wooden sticks suck. The real fun of fireworks is discovered at this age.
Tear them apart, stick a bunch of fireworks guts in a pop bottle and toss it in a bonfire and run like the fucking wind.
Tomorrow I will do my part, as a white man, to repay our Native American friends (quaintly referred to as Red Savages in my hometown. *shudder*) for centuries of misdeeds and genocide by paying a ridiculous amount of money for shit that will not go off half the time and frequently will misfire and launch flaming awesome danger directly over my neighbor's house and into the dry-ass pile of yard clippings he's had sitting out there for ages.
Also, this year I plan on undertaking numerous experiments in what I like to call THE PHYSICS OF THE RAD. What happens when you take two roman candles and tape them together, nozzle to nozzle, and light the fuse? What happens when you dissect all of the shells in a box of mortars, put all the parts inside a toilet paper tube wrapped in duct tape and light the fuse? How many times will that dog try to eat jumping jacks while they are still on fire? Where the hell did my finger go?
Ladies and gentlemen, our forefathers did not fight the great Midwestern Plains Dragons and the Vampires of the Appalachian Mountains so that we could sit idly by and watch some professionals light off thousands of dollars of fireworks on television. No. George Washington sacrificed his very life, high atop Mount Doom, so that we would be able to have the freedom to blow the ever-living fuck out of some rotten stump in the woods with black powder stuffed into a tennis ball in the name of FREEDOM!
So. My friends. My countrymen.
What are you going to blow up this year?
We are on the verge of the greatest holiday of all, right now. Well, most of us. The ones who live in America. Because man what the hell why wouldn't you live in America, WE GOT THE GODDAMNED FOURTH OF JULY!
Right now, as we speak, small children are eagerly awaiting tomorrow's nightfall, where they will be handed lit cigarettes to light off mortar shells, each of which could potentially spell their doom. This is how America prepares children for a long future of gambling. It's a time-honored tradition.
As they enter adolescence these children quickly realize that those little snake pellets that turn into a big nasty smelling ash snake thing and turn the sidewalk all yellow suck. Those littler popper things you throw at the ground next to your cat to watch it do a backflip and run off for three days suck. Those sparklers with the faggy little tissue paper tips and wooden sticks suck. The real fun of fireworks is discovered at this age.
Tear them apart, stick a bunch of fireworks guts in a pop bottle and toss it in a bonfire and run like the fucking wind.
Tomorrow I will do my part, as a white man, to repay our Native American friends (quaintly referred to as Red Savages in my hometown. *shudder*) for centuries of misdeeds and genocide by paying a ridiculous amount of money for shit that will not go off half the time and frequently will misfire and launch flaming awesome danger directly over my neighbor's house and into the dry-ass pile of yard clippings he's had sitting out there for ages.
Also, this year I plan on undertaking numerous experiments in what I like to call THE PHYSICS OF THE RAD. What happens when you take two roman candles and tape them together, nozzle to nozzle, and light the fuse? What happens when you dissect all of the shells in a box of mortars, put all the parts inside a toilet paper tube wrapped in duct tape and light the fuse? How many times will that dog try to eat jumping jacks while they are still on fire? Where the hell did my finger go?
Ladies and gentlemen, our forefathers did not fight the great Midwestern Plains Dragons and the Vampires of the Appalachian Mountains so that we could sit idly by and watch some professionals light off thousands of dollars of fireworks on television. No. George Washington sacrificed his very life, high atop Mount Doom, so that we would be able to have the freedom to blow the ever-living fuck out of some rotten stump in the woods with black powder stuffed into a tennis ball in the name of FREEDOM!
So. My friends. My countrymen.
What are you going to blow up this year?
Rankenphile on
0
Posts
i didn't even realize the 4th was so soon
i was going to order a bunch of chemicals and metals and such and make a gang of my own fireworks this year
God Bless America.
where the tits did this last week go
i seem to have misplaced an entire goddamned week
bonk
so disappointed in you
out of everyone here, I had expected you, of all people to already have one of those round barbecue grills stuffed full of fireworks and duct-taped shut.
Mostly because I like my limbs and do not want them to get blown off by my own retarded actions.
That's what I aim to find out.
FOR AMERICA.
A bunch of drunk fucks at that Colorado missle silo launches an airborne nuke on the 4th.
Just to one up some cocky sonofabitch.
I got one called the Neighbor Hater -- I really really like it.
Canada is that way, faggot.
Yeah buddy.
i know
i seriously thought i had an entire week to drive to the next county and pick up a load of explodies
We put an empty coffee can over the end once, curious how far the potato would drive the can.
The potato went THROUGH the can.
having front row seats to armaggeddon would be so great
I also want to get a big aluminum tube, probably six to eight feet long, drive it into the ground and shove a roman candle in it nose up and one on top of it nose down.
I figure the top one will get launched out and start spraying firey pain in random directions.
Good times.
If I could get my hands on green basketball explosives then maybe I would join you guys.
Then again, I could fill up a green basketball with lighter fluid strap a firework onto it and blow it up.
But it wouldn't be the same.
Hey that's pretty cool.
Communist
we have this tradition of taking a cinder block, laying it on its side so the holes are pointing up, making a sort of container, then dropping an m80 and something else inside, then putting a board over the top and standing on it
whatever you put inside suffers the most fucking ridiculous damage
sometimes the force is enough to toss you and the board up in the air. one of these days the cinder block is going to explode and kill someone with concrete shrapnel
we call it the 'salsa chamber', from the time we did it with a tomato
Canada is that way, faggot.
We had one with a 14 foot barrel and a giant chamber. We named it the 13th Commandment.
We used to shoot frozen potatoes through the corrugated metal walls of the DMV across the road from my friend's dad's property.
Also, we could shoot it across the river and hit Philadelphia from New Jersey.
last year they had a cannon
Oh man.
Sadly enough, I've run out of the extra cash to blow on the good stuff for the 4th
Did they fire a midget out of this?
You're a good man.
God I hope that Chief No Toes (seriously, that's what is painted on his fireworks stand) has his M80 stash again this year.
3DS: 5241-1953-7031
haha, awesome.
Meh, see you all when I'm in college, maybe I'll go to a state where fireworks are legal.