Just making sure (girl thread)
Pitseleh
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, so I broke up with my chick.
She doesn't deal with things like this well, she needs time to process things and whatnot.
So Wednesday I call her, tell her what I'm thinking, because I believe that both of us should have a say in the matter and if there is a reason we should stay together from her perspective, well, I better listen. We came to the conclusion that we'd meet Thursday night after my show to talk about things.
Now I was all about salvaging the relationship or whatever. I broke up with her because we are on two very different paths and blah blah blah -- she wants marriage sooner (she's 25) and I want to pursue my career (I'm 21)
But I call her and she goes "I cant talk to you, I'm out having fun", so I just say "wow, seeya" and hang up. Pretty mad.
She then texts me asking me to come by and see her. But!
a) I'm not dealing with her drunk on something that is serious, to me.
b) I'm plenty furious at this point, that she's drunk with her roommates on a night that WE decided was the night to talk about things.
So she texts and calls and I just tell her that she's drunk, I don't want to talk to her like this, I'm upset at her and we're done. I don't want to talk to her / see her for a good while until I settle down and can be mature about things.
Did I act rationally? Or did I take her being hammered with her friends on an established important night a little too hard.
Oh, and we've been dating for a year or so.
And she's usually SUPER rational, awesome, and level headed. She's the only gal out of ALL of my relationships that I want to stay friends with, which is huge! She's actually fantastic, I just am not in the right place for a relationship like this right now.
so!?
She doesn't deal with things like this well, she needs time to process things and whatnot.
So Wednesday I call her, tell her what I'm thinking, because I believe that both of us should have a say in the matter and if there is a reason we should stay together from her perspective, well, I better listen. We came to the conclusion that we'd meet Thursday night after my show to talk about things.
Now I was all about salvaging the relationship or whatever. I broke up with her because we are on two very different paths and blah blah blah -- she wants marriage sooner (she's 25) and I want to pursue my career (I'm 21)
But I call her and she goes "I cant talk to you, I'm out having fun", so I just say "wow, seeya" and hang up. Pretty mad.
She then texts me asking me to come by and see her. But!
a) I'm not dealing with her drunk on something that is serious, to me.
b) I'm plenty furious at this point, that she's drunk with her roommates on a night that WE decided was the night to talk about things.
So she texts and calls and I just tell her that she's drunk, I don't want to talk to her like this, I'm upset at her and we're done. I don't want to talk to her / see her for a good while until I settle down and can be mature about things.
Did I act rationally? Or did I take her being hammered with her friends on an established important night a little too hard.
Oh, and we've been dating for a year or so.
And she's usually SUPER rational, awesome, and level headed. She's the only gal out of ALL of my relationships that I want to stay friends with, which is huge! She's actually fantastic, I just am not in the right place for a relationship like this right now.
so!?
Pitseleh on
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at the very least you need to call her and talk to her about the situation, asap
IMO, you've still got the high ground though. She's the one that cancelled plans without telling you, to get drunk.
Edit: I mean I disagree with the "you need to talk" comment. No need at all. Get on with your life and forget about her.
I was just hoping for some reactions on the situation from people who aren't my friends.
Obviously the issue of her wanting to get married and you not is serious and potentially (dare I say most likely) uncompromisable. If she is rational, she will call you back when she is ready to talk about it, which will probably be soon.
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She blows you off and goes out partying with friends instead.
I think she didn't take it as hard as you thought, and that your interpretation is correct (that she's not serious about fixing it). I DO think you're in the wrong for being as upset as you are. You dumped her, she went out partying, you're not together anymore. She didn't wrong you, she didn't kill your dog; she just didn't care about talking it over.
If she was skipping out on a counseling session after 5 years of marriage, sure, be pissed. But it doesn't make sense to be so pissed off at a girl you've dated for a year and just broke up with.
Any and all "actual breakuping" happened purely on thursday (last night). When she was drunk!
On WEDNESDAY NIGHT I told her that his is what I was thinking, how I was feeling, blah blah blah. I told her that I had wanted to give her a chance to think about things as well so we could both either work it out or split ways on thursday night.
So we were still together, until last night, you see.
If we had broken up on wednesday then I wouldn't care at all. Again, we hadn't broken up yet!
I think you might need to be a little more honest with yourself -- was the only reason for you to meet so that she can have one last chance to promise to change? Are you mad because your ego is bruised from the fact that she doesn't seem so into you that she would consider compromises for the sake of the relationship? In any case, I think the relationship is good and over, and you should try to move on with your life instead of analyzing these last couple nights. She just didn't care that much.
If you tried phrasing things less shittily there'd probably be less confusion.
Regardless, she doesn't seem like she was that concerned. I'd forget about her.
So why did you want to talk with her? To try to save something that was heading towards a cliff anyway? It sounds like it was the pre-breakup discussion anyway. And she didn't care, so you dumped her.
Yeah, sounds like a good deal to me.
She did call and text and leaving crying messages, last night -- drunk! She kept on doing it until I texted her back "Stop. I'm not going to talk to you about this drunk." I think we've established that she didn't care. Which really sucks for me and what I thought the relationship was!
This isn't an ego thing, so please don't think that. I don't get off on making my girlfriend cry -- I legitimately wanted to resolve all of this in a mature way. I thought I was going about it in a very adult way -- Explain to her what's going on with me and how I feel, give her a day or so to process and then talk em out and see where to go from there. I mean, I accept that we're broken up and that's fine, it was my doing!
I was just a little messed up today over a flagrant disregard for the last year we've spent together, is all, and I needed to get it off my chest.
Well, you never really know how things are going to go, so I at least wanted to she thought. Give it a chance, at least.
Yeah, I think that was a good call. Like you said, you spent a year together, and wanted to at least try to come to an agreement on the "larger issues" in the relationship. And I think becoming angry and dumping her for real when she ignored it, and went out drinking instead, is a good response. You tried to be mature about it, and she responded by being immature. You don't even sound like it's affecting you that badly, which generally means that you also think it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes I just feel like I need a fresh pair of eyes, who aren't my friends, to help validate my actions! Again, I was totally trying to be very mature and adult with this relationship, and did not want it to spin out of control into the psycho breakups that have happened in my past.
Thanks.
Exactly…. coming from a girls perspective, she probably was really hurt and went out because her friends wanted her to get her mind off things and/or she knew you would call and she wanted you to think she wasn’t hurt when in fact she was because she kept calling you. At least talk to her about it and your situation.
Thank you!
Seriously, you broke up with her, then say hey, you should have a say to, so even though I dumped your ass, lets meet and talk about it.
ANd somehow you are surprised that she was upset by that? If you're going to break up with someone, do it clean. Don't keep stringing them along like this.
No he didn't. He's well in the right to avoid getting into the heavy shit with a drunk person. I'd say she really didn't want to talk to him, though, and was trying to avoid it. Make a clean break, don't drag it out for her.
Again --I didn't break up with her until thursday night after I called her to meet up and she was out drinking instead. I'm not stringing her long, I never was!
Mind you, there are better ways to go about things than getting drunk, but some people just don't know how to deal with things all that well. AND completely disregarding your meeting is also pretty bad, but perhaps you should attempt to talk to her.
All in all I think you both messed up at least a little. You with jumping the gun a bit soon and announced your intentions of breaking up with her before actually doing it (NEVER a good move, if you're gonna break up with a chick don't let it sit there in limbo, either do it or don't, don't say "Oh, lets talk tomorrow about potentially breaking up!"). And her with trying to avoid it. Tell her if she's serious about salvaging anything, relationship or even just a friendship, she should talk to you while not drunk and on a serious level, but from the sounds of it you DO want to salvage SOMETHING, so I say give it one last try to talk but don't leave anything up to misinterpretation. You're either breaking up with her or you're not, no "I want to break up, what do you think?" since that really doesn't accomplish anything.
Do what's best for you, if it comes down to not even being friends, then that what it comes down to, but I sure as hell hope you aren't leaving it all up to you breaking up with her while she was drunk.
Pretty interesting stuff. I've never really thought of myself as being a controlling person before, but that's definitely something to chew on / possibly work on. I mean, you've only seen a few posts from me, but if it's that apparent right away...huh.
As for the whole bringing it up and giving it time, that's just how she works -- or how I've come to understand her. Every time I've ended a relationship with someone in the past it's never lingered. It's always been "were done, heres your things, seeya!". The only reason why I gave it time, which is more and more seeming like a mistake -- albeit with the same desired outcome -- is because whenever we would discuss anything serious throughout the relationship she clams up and tells me "it just takes me time to process things, give me some time" and we'll wait and she'll write an eloquent e-mail and things'll be hunky dory. I guess in a way I wanted her to tell me why it made sense for us to be together still, as in my mind, it didn't... and still doesn't.
It's more and more become apparent that this was a knee-jerk reaction made out of anger, which is over all pretty shitty, but it all happens -- we've all been there. I'm returning her things tonight / picking up some things of mine. We'll see how it goes.
i think you are both behaving in an immature way, talks about why people should stay together should happen before the actual breakup, waiting until afterwards makes everything awkward and unsettled.
i say most people break up for a reason, and once its been done the relationship is already damaged, move on, let it go. if she comes to you wanting to tell her story, let her, but you are the one that broke it off, so it isn't your place to arrange a meeting.
The placing of your first two sentences gives people the impression that you did. So yeah, you did phrase it 'shittily', sorry buddy. My advice would be to fix the OP, since everyone who didn't misunderstand you seems to be giving solid advice.
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Now, considering the actual events as the original poster explained them, I do not see this as his fault at all. From how I read it, he called her on Wednesday to tell her that he has a few concerns about the relationship and wants to talk them out with her on Thursday.
I'm sorry, but her going out to drink in lieu of having this conversation was both foolish and immature. The original poster here did the mature thing. I know we'd all love to stick our heads in the sand and live in a conflict-free ignorant bliss, but that's not how the real world works and I'm fairly certain it would have been worse to just meet up with her and spring this on her. He had concerns, he explained this and wanted to speak with her about them, and she blew him off. The idea that he acted immaturely at all is just strange. I'm not sure I would have just called the relationship completely off at that point, but I cannot blame him nor can I say he overreacted. He simply reacted based on his emotional and intellectual reasoning.
Sorry, but nobody owes it to anyone else to stay in a relationship they don't want to stay in.