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STUFF YOUR COCK IN A TURKEY [Thanksgiving]

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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    And man, my family (especially my moderately annoying sister) seem pretty fucking normal after reading this thread.

    The best part is that the rest of my family is reasonably normal. The one grandfather is a total asshole, OK, and some of the under-ten-years-old kids in my dad's second family are little bitches, but that would be well within normal limits if it were the only issue, especially given how large the family is. So basically, this ONE PERSON'S fucked-up-ed-ness is overshadowing your entire family's collection of problems.jpg.

    Defender on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    mcp wrote: »
    mcp wrote: »
    I was out with some friends, at a movie or something. We were going back to a friend's house to play poker. His girl called Pizza Hut to have a pizza delivered. She stopped off at Taco Bell on the way home for something to tide her over. She pretty much ate a full meal from Taco Bell, and then ate a pizza.

    I also once saw this girl dip hard pieces of cheese into melted cheese. That was fairly disgusting.

    How fat was she?
    When I first met her, she was healthy.

    After a few months of that behavior, she was a whale.

    What a goddamn waste. Hot chicks are a valuable national resource!

    Defender on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Defender wrote: »
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    and instead of death at the bottom of the quicksand

    you've got fat chicks

    all a-rapin'.

    One time this fat chick I knew (and hated) in highschool tried to make a move on me at a party.

    I told her I was gay. She was like "ha ha you're not gay."

    So I tapped my inner internet - the little bit of the internet that never leaves your soul - and I summoned up something that would horrify her.

    "You know what the best part about getting three fingers in your ass is?"

    Niiiiice!

    :^:

    neville on
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    KadithKadith Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    The best way to preserve our nation's hot chick population is by giving them plentiful dickings

    Kadith on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Kadith wrote: »
    The best way to preserve our nation's hot chick population is by giving them plentiful dickings
    this is a good idea

    listen to this man

    vote for him

    Snowbeat on
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    So, this is the first thanksgiving Summer and I will spend away from her family. So I had prepared to cook a nice dinner for two, as Jay would be heading home to his family in Louisville.

    Then her mother calls her.


    "Your father and I are coming down for thanksgiving because we can't stand the though of not being together as a family."


    Never mind the fact her brother, his kid, and his finace are still up there. They evidently don't count. Also never mind the fact our shit got here less then a week ago. Apparntly thats all the time you need to compeletely unpack a house and have it ready for guests to stay at. Never mind the fact we're both working, and never mnd the fact niether of us had planned on shelling out money to buy everything for a big dinner.


    Then..... just to piss me off a little more. She adds, "So this way you can have a real home cooked meal, as I'm sure Dan won't cook anything our family likes."



    Look bitch. I don't care how long you've cooking for people on your farm. I'm better at it. Your shit is dry and tasteless. Nobody fucking invited you, and I'll be damned if you're cooking a single fucking thing. I will cook a fucking feast to just to spite you. Furthermore, guess what? This isn't "your family" anymore. This is "my family". So fuck you and pass the gravy.

    Stale on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    quick

    at get-togethers, do other people avoid you? also, do you have a girlfriend?

    the Internet needs to know this

    Having a girlfriend/boyfriend has nothing to do with it.

    I am (fairly) recently single, and as I am sure you are all aware, I'm pretty awesome. My sister, on the other hand, is married.

    To a convicted sex offender.

    Who she has never physically touched, as he has been in prison for the entire duration of their relationship even up to today. (She met him while visiting a friend who was in the same place...but that's a whole different fucking story!)

    When I say this, she says "NUH UH! NUH UH! JAIL! NOT PRISON! JAIL! JAIL! NOT PRISON! JAIL!" shaking her whole upper body instead of just shaking her head "no," exactly like she's done since she was four years old.

    She laughs sheepishly (biggest fucking sheep EVER) when I point out that I don't know the difference between jail and prison because I've never been locked the fuck up in either one, and I never have to explain that my girlfriend is in one as opposed to the other, because the people I date tend not to get arrested and convicted of sex crimes.

    The sex crime was a failure of justice, though, by our over-punishing legal system. You see, she explains, he got put away for this one time in a bar when he was pretty drunk and he grabbed some girl's butt, and it turned out later that she was 17. Why she was even in the bar is another matter, but the point is, whoops, she was underage, and he got convicted of "gross sexual imposition on a minor" or something.

    Sound believable to you? Yeah, me either.

    So, I can't get the full details, but it turns out that the girl whose butt he allegedly grabbed was his stepdaughter. Was, I say, because the mother obviously divorced him, because it's extremely obvious that he committed some kind of sex crime against his wife's underage daughter. So he's basically a kid-toucher in jail (not prison).

    Nice life choice there. Very nice. Marry a fucking rapist or molester or whatever. Convicted fucking sex offender. And why? Because he said he loved her. In a letter. Wherein he also asked for nude pictures (not sure if she sent any, but he deserves the eye-bleeding pain if she did). Oh, also, he apparently asked some other person to marry him within a month or two of asking her, but the other person declined. Again, she has never physically touched him.

    She has expressed that she wants to have a baby because "the baby HAS to love you." How she thinks this when she basically hates her own parents (mainly her father, but also her mother to a lesser extent) is beyond me, as she is a living counterexample to her own theory. But it's not REALLY beyond me, because she's a fucking idiot. God I wish there was some legal way to get people sterilized.

    Defender on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Stale, could you bring me up to date on the family structure behind that story? I really don't know the relationship graph or whatever that leads to that.

    Defender on
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    KadithKadith Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I don't know what you're complaining about Defender.

    Your sister is awesome.


    To the maximum extreme.

    Kadith on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I meant if he was likable, because I assumed Chico wasn't a sex offender (D:).

    anyway, we must defeat the Thanksgiving thread. unleash the putrid wave of family-hate.

    I'll start us off:

    Thanksgiving is the time when your family can show up essentially unannounced, eat all your food, fuck with all your shit, and get away with it.

    Snowbeat on
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    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    A good sexual offense is the best sexual defense.

    You can't rape me if I rape you first!

    ChicoBlue on
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    KadithKadith Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Your family is a bunch of shit fuckers?

    Disgusting

    Kadith on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited November 2007
    oh my goodness

    a "defender's sister" thread

    and here comes stale with his patented one-upmanship

    lordy lordy, I know what I'm thankful for this year

    Rankenphile on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Kadith wrote: »
    I don't know what you're complaining about Defender.

    Your sister is awesome.


    To the maximum extreme.

    i concur
    defender's book will be awesome as a result of this

    neville on
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Defender wrote: »
    Stale, could you bring me up to date on the family structure behind that story? I really don't know the relationship graph or whatever that leads to that.

    We're both from Central IL.

    I've got my new job here in ATL. After 9 months, Summer has finally moved down here as well. We got a big house and Jay, a long time friend and co-worker, is staying with us.

    Her mother and father act outwardly as if they like me, but I know damn well they don't. I'm not quite successfull enough for their daughter. I can't take care of all the "husband" type things, so to her father, I'm a failure. Never mind the fact, at 27, I make more then he does at 53.

    I was also never in the military, so thats another strike against me. Her mother on the other hand, can't understand or truely believe that I love to cook, and I'm better at it then she is, by her own childrens admissions.


    Her brother is still back home, with his kid and finacee. But apparntly they don't count as far as "being together as a family".


    My family could care less about holidays and getting together. I've never even met half of my family and not a single one lives more then an hour from where I was in IL.

    Stale on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    oh my goodness

    a "defender's sister" thread

    and here comes stale with his patented one-upmanship

    lordy lordy, I know what I'm thankful for this year

    Hey can you help get Callius and Hunter in here? Stale's the only one who heard my all-caps request. Also anyone else who has fucked-up weirdos in their families.

    Defender on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    FUCK YOU: A autobiography

    by Defender

    Snowbeat on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    27? I'm older than you Stale?
    :o

    neville on
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    oh my goodness

    a "defender's sister" thread

    and here comes stale with his patented one-upmanship

    lordy lordy, I know what I'm thankful for this year

    thats hardly a "one-up"


    I was just venting my frustrations about thanksgiving. Everybody has a bitchy family member or in-law. Mines no different.

    Stale on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Christ we've got Stale and neville and soon we'll have some more

    it's a veritable forum celebrity party thread

    Snowbeat on
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    CrossBusterCrossBuster Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Holy shit, Defender. Your sister sounds like one of the shittiest human beings ever.

    CrossBuster on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    FUCK YOU: A autobiography

    by Defender

    "A Autobiography?" No no no. That will not do.

    Defender on
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    neville wrote: »
    27? I'm older than you Stale?
    :o

    by like... 8 or 9 months, yes

    Stale on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Defender wrote: »
    "A Autobiography?" No no no. That will not do.
    well, it's a draft.

    this is assuming you haven't submitted it to the editors yet.

    Snowbeat on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Stale wrote: »
    neville wrote: »
    27? I'm older than you Stale?
    :o

    by like... 8 or 9 months, yes

    Do you have any superpowers?
    I do!

    sorta!

    (also post 7000, huzzah)
    And with that, I am off to the labs.

    neville on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited November 2007
    Defender wrote: »
    oh my goodness

    a "defender's sister" thread

    and here comes stale with his patented one-upmanship

    lordy lordy, I know what I'm thankful for this year

    Hey can you help get Callius and Hunter in here? Stale's the only one who heard my all-caps request. Also anyone else who has fucked-up weirdos in their families.

    nope.

    I'm on my way out the door right now.

    And my family is pretty normal, in that we all get along. My dad's a seriously cool cat, but those stories will have to wait for another day. I actually get to go hang out with him in a couple hours, as he's been working in southwest wyoming for the last eight months and he just got home two days ago.

    Rankenphile on
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    Burning OrganBurning Organ Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Right now I'm thankful for the fact that we don't celebrate thanksgiving over here.
    Sounds like a terrible holiday.

    Burning Organ on
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    now Rank as well, this is crazy

    you guys are going to attract the paparazzi.

    Snowbeat on
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    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    More like SnowBleat.

    ChicoBlue on
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    KadithKadith Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    now Rank as well, this is crazy

    you guys are going to attract the paparazzi.
    forum celebrities are retarded

    ergo you're retarded

    Kadith on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited November 2007
    Stale wrote: »
    oh my goodness

    a "defender's sister" thread

    and here comes stale with his patented one-upmanship

    lordy lordy, I know what I'm thankful for this year

    thats hardly a "one-up"


    I was just venting my frustrations about thanksgiving. Everybody has a bitchy family member or in-law. Mines no different.

    wasn't inferring that that was a one-up

    just that by the time this thread hits page 15, you wil have managed to tell a story, just by being you and living your life, that will one-up anything we could try for

    like that time you were eating thanksgiving dinner and you had a stroke so hard it blew your toes off and they got stuck in a chandelier and then the dog jumped up there and ate your toes and then he fell in the gravy and that was when your brother announced he was a gay

    something like that

    Rankenphile on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Holy shit, Defender. Your sister sounds like one of the shittiest human beings ever.

    Yeah, she's horrible. She was given so much at the beginning of life. Born into the upper class in a very wealthy country, given good genes and good opportunities for education, good parents (not perfect, but good), all that stuff. Given every chance to succeed, and she just shit on all of it.

    And lest I'm accused of defining "succeed" in monetary terms, well, people who know me know that I'm not all about money and status symbols. I mean succeed in basically ANY way. Good job, good health, good relationships, artistic skills, cultural richness, pretty much anything that a person could develop, she has had the chance to, and has failed completely. It's basically an insult to everyone who's tried to help her. Even now, she's not self-sufficient at almost 27 years old. My mother pays for her health insurance because if she gets sick, my mother will definitely pay to have her medical procedures handled, and that can easily get into tens of thousands of dollars, so mom is protecting her own vulnerability by paying for really good health care. And some of this would be forgivable if she ever showed any gratitude whatsoever, but instead she does the opposite. She blames her parents for all of her failings and says that they're terrible. Also, she lies like you wouldn't believe about how abused she is and all sorts of other shit that's just materially wrong.

    Horrible person, the world would be better without her.

    Defender on
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    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Get it?

    SnowBleat!

    Ahahahaha.

    ChicoBlue on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2007
    I love Defender's sister stories.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    SnowbeatSnowbeat i need something to kick this thing's ass over the lineRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Kadith wrote: »
    forum celebrities are retarded

    ergo you're retarded
    no, you're retarded!

    once I ate this huge turkey. it was uncommonly delicious.

    turned out my cousin's baby had crawled inside right before they cooked it.

    mmmmm

    Snowbeat on
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    KadithKadith Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Have you ever punched your sister Defender?

    Kadith on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited November 2007
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    Kadith wrote: »
    forum celebrities are retarded

    ergo you're retarded
    no, you're retarded!

    once I ate this huge turkey. it was uncommonly delicious.

    turned out my cousin's baby had crawled inside right before they cooked it.

    mmmmm

    you do realize you have to be at least thirteen to join this forum, right

    Rankenphile on
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'm seriously considering cooking a Turducken.


    Just to fuck with my mother-in-law.



    "Who's the top-chef now huh? Who's the man?"

    Stale on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2007
    Hey Rank, sup?

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2007
    Stale wrote: »
    I'm seriously considering cooking a Turducken.


    Just to fuck with my mother-in-law.



    "Who's the top-chef now huh? Who's the man?"

    I really need to have one of those some day.

    The Geek on
    BLM - ACAB
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