Am I Being Selfish?

Gork

Recently I started seeing a friend of a friend (call her A), unbeknownst to the friend (call her and most of the group the friend and I are a part of. Unfortunately, it did not stay a secret for very long. This became an issue because "B" had apparently been harboring feelings for me during our year and a half friendship. In fact, it made her very, very upset.

"A" and "B" were friends long before I met "A". They have talked it over, and "B" is now okay with "A" and I being together, but she cannot deal with seeing us together. This means that I cannot spend time with "A" and "B" (and ostensibly the rest of our group) at the same time. This is a further problem for me because I am leaving for business school in a month and I would like to spend as much time as possible with both my friends and the girl I am seeing. As it is now, I am encountering a lot of situations where I have to choose one over the other.

My first instinct is to speak about this directly with "B" and get everything out in the open. Stepping back, though, I realize it is more important for "A" and "B" to be friends again, because I'm leaving in a month and it would be incredibly selfish to jepordize their friendship further just so I can have what I want. Am I right in thinking I should just say nothing and deal with having to split my time?

EclecticGroove

It sounds more like "B" is being selfish not you. Unless you knew she liked you and ignored it and are flaunting your relationship with "A" in her face, she really needs to just suck it up because she never did anything to further her feelings for you.

What goes on between "A" and "B" is not your concern. While it may be a bit of a bitch move if "B" knew about "A's" feelings for you and initiated the relationship, that has nothing to do with you if you didn't know about it.

And damn, letter names suck for these things.

I'd talk with your friend with a real heart to heart for sure, as your relationship should not have any impact with her friendship. If it does, your friend (B) needs to really take a step back and evaluate a few things in her own life.

This is all assuming of course that everything appears as it does on the surface.
My only real question is why did you two keep it secret? Just to avoid awkwardness or did one of you know it was going to cause problems? This is just one of those situations where being open about it in the beginning would have almost certainly avoided problems down the line. Chalk it up to experience this time, but if you feel the need to hide a relationship, you really need to look at why, and more than likely expect there to be some issues down the line.

As to your leaving in a month, that doesn't factor into much unless you are planning on breaking up with the girlfriend, in which case might as well talk all that over and see if it will smooth things out, but ultimately it really doesn't matter.

jotate

B needs to get over it. Explaining that doesn't make you selfish. B insisting that she can't be around the two of you being together is selfish.

Murphy

I'm not sure why you would think you're being selfish when it sounds like you're actually putting aside what you want (spending times with all of your friends) in order to make things easier for A and B.

B is the problem here. She had feelings for you that she kept a secret, and now that you're dating someone else (I doubt it matters that it's a mutual friend, though I'm sure that doesn't help) she is making an issue of it. It doesn't matter if she's "ok" with you and A dating. It's none of her business. You're going to be leaving for school shortly, and the least she could do is help to make the last bit of time you'll have to hang out for a while more enjoyable for everyone by not causing trouble.

SoonerMan

Don't worry about it. Spend time with your lady.

Gihgehls

I've been in the same situation, and I told B that while I love her very much and that I treasure her friendship, that she needed to understand that we are not dating, and that she doesn't have the right to say who A and myself hang out with. If B doesn't like who is in the room at the time, B can and should leave the room. It is unfair to try to force other people to bend to your will, just because you're uncomfortable with something.

I've also seen this situation with a different A and B, and after the dude left for business school or whatever, A and B starting hanging out all the damn time.

Nibble

Go have fun with your friends, and feel free to bring both A and B along. Just try to avoid too many overt displays of affection. That way, you can have fun with your friends and your girlfriend, which is your right; and you're still being considerate of B's feelings. If she can't handle seeing the two of you together at all, then it would be good for her to avoid you until she can sort her feelings out.

mts

if the other one had feelings she should have said something.

or the non serious joke response. get them both together...

EggyToast

Tell B that you're flattered, but that if she had feelings for you for over a year, how come you never heard anything about it? You figured she was just a friend and you appreciated her friendship, and kept your options open. Now you're dating someone and suddenly she has this long history of crushing on you?

I would go directly to B and tell her that she's being immature about it. Just because you're friends doesn't mean she holds any claim over who you date, and if she wanted to be dating you so badly that it wrecks her friendships, she should have said something months ago. You can't read minds, and you're happy with A, and you think B should get it out in the open with A.

And ask her, "what do you hope to accomplish? You can't change what's happened, you just gotta live with things how they are now. Do you want to break up B and I, and steal me in a fit of passion, leaving B crying and resentful? If you don't, then why the hard feelings?"

Gork

Thanks for all the advice so far, guys.

As for why our involvement was initially kept secret was because "A" tried to see someone else in our group which endly very badly based on the involved guy's behavior. Regardless of fault, "A" did not want to be seen as, "making the rounds" in our group by seeing me.

To clarify, "B" isn't trying to make anything stop. Her and "A" have talked about it and from what "A" has told me, they will be okay. The reason I feel selfish is because I want us to all be able to hang out together, which "B" says she is unable to do. Apparently the last time she tried, she could not stop noticing the way I was looking at "A".

I 100% agree that "B" is being selfish and immature. I suppose I just felt that my desire to spend time with everyone, which will cause her some emotional distress, was more selfish then her desires. Additionally, "B" has seemed to deal fine with me dating other people outside the group.

"B" was also never really a romantic option. I was never attracted to her and she happens to be the sister of one of the people in the group.

EggyToast

Perhaps the best course of action, then, is to do a few more couple things while you get over the infatuation phase -- the "staring and giggling and cuddling in public" phase. I doubt people in your group will mind, but if they do, simply point out that you'll just be hanging all over each other anyway and won't be all that interesting to hang around, so you're saving them the trouble of putting up with you guys for a few weeks

Shinto

Gork wrote: »

Recently I started seeing a friend of a friend (call her A), unbeknownst to the friend (call her and most of the group the friend and I are a part of. Unfortunately, it did not stay a secret for very long. This became an issue because "B" had apparently been harboring feelings for me during our year and a half friendship. In fact, it made her very, very upset.

"A" and "B" were friends long before I met "A". They have talked it over, and "B" is now okay with "A" and I being together, but she cannot deal with seeing us together. This means that I cannot spend time with "A" and "B" (and ostensibly the rest of our group) at the same time. This is a further problem for me because I am leaving for business school in a month and I would like to spend as much time as possible with both my friends and the girl I am seeing. As it is now, I am encountering a lot of situations where I have to choose one over the other.

My first instinct is to speak about this directly with "B" and get everything out in the open. Stepping back, though, I realize it is more important for "A" and "B" to be friends again, because I'm leaving in a month and it would be incredibly selfish to jepordize their friendship further just so I can have what I want. Am I right in thinking I should just say nothing and deal with having to split my time?

I think your instinct is right.

Whether your behavior or As or Bs is correct or not is beside the point. You care for them and don't want to damage relationships. I think you've suggested the right course.

blu3man

If you have to ask the answer is yes....

IreneDAdler

B is certainly being the selfish one, but what you should do is less clear-cut. I would say that giving way to B's tantrums is just enabling her and telling her that other people are willing to put up with her shit. But if you are leaving soon and don't plan on continuing the relationship with A, perhaps the path of least drama would be for you to just be the bigger man and bow out. Neither decision is wrong, per se, because we can't always predict what would happen, so you're just going to have to do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. But take comfort in knowing that you are not being selfish for wanting to spend time with your goddamn friends.