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bad breakup (wall of text!)
crwth
THAT'S ITRegistered User regular
THAT'S ITRegistered User regular
alright, so a ltitle over a month ago my girlfriend of a little more than a year broke up with me. she was my first relationship (i'm 22 now). now, at first, i was alright with it (not really, i was devastated. but i accepted the reasons why she broke up with me). one thing she said to me while she was breaking up with me is that she hadn't been single for a while and she just wanted to be single at least until she left for japan in late january for study abroad. i was ok with that. so i went about my ways, studying for and taking finals and although i talked to her a few times i stopped keeping contact with her for a while, maybe about 2 weeks or so.
about the time that i was studying for my last final (i'm a first year law student, so i was pretty danged nervous about them) she sends me a facebook message asking when my last final was. i tell her, thinking hey maybe she wants to hang out and actually try the friend thing. so the night of my last final i go out to a bar with a few of my fellow classmates and drink and sing some karaoke. my ex calls me around the time last call rolls around. i was a bit stunned when she called me, cause i didn't really expect it at such an hour. i answer and at first she tells me that she just wanted to touch base, which i didn't really think too much about. had i been in a more sober state of mind, i would have asked myself who touches base at 2 in the morning.
anyhow, we're talking and some how (i don't really remember) she brings up "this guy i'm interested in." i ask her if that's the only reason why she called me, and she says no. but basically the rest of the conversation is how she likes this guy and how she's perfect for him and how she could marry him. i ask her if it's the guy she'd been hanging out with from her japanese club, to which she denies (it should be noted that as a law student i didn't have a lot of time to spend with her, so i always encouraged her to not sit around her house and wait for me, but should hang out with e few of her friends. perhaps i was too trusting in that aspect) she even told me the exact date she started liking him. somewhere in the conversation i basically tell her that maintaining a relationship with her is useless and that i'd rather hate her than still have feelings for her. the convo basically deteriorates into us taking cheap shots at each other. earlier this summer we had taken a trip to japan together. i asked her if she had fun with me on that trip. she told me that she could have had fun there with anyone and that i was replaceable (this part of the conversatino i will never forget, because i had one of the greatest times of my life on that trip). eventually the conversation comes to an end when i tell her that i hope her new guy rips her heart out.
next day i go over to a friend of mine's place. this friend also had class with my ex, so he would talk to her contantly. turns out he knew abotu her new boyfriend, but didn't tell me cause he saw the effect the initial break up took on me and he was gonig to wait until after i was out of school to tell me if she hadn't told me first. so i'm there, getting my vent on, when my ex calls me again. "i wanted to see if you'd pick up the phone." she then asks me if i had anything else i wanted to say, to which i call her morally reprehensible and tell her that i was almost ashamed to say that i once loved her. she said that she was actually proud of her new boyfriend, because he was good at things like ddr and guitar hero. sorry that being in law school isn't enough for you to be proud of, i say. she also likes him because he spends money on her, unlike myself (i've never had a lot of money and the money i do have is my parents. i try not to spend too often because my family isn't exactly well off. i spent money on her when i could she told me i wasn't nice or considerate, to which i responded with a list of nice and considerate things i did for her, and then i ask her where she was during my college graduation (she was alseep). she said she didn't care.
so after that i basically removed her from my myspace, facebook, my phone, etc. but now i can't get over this sense of betrayal and hurt that i feel. i feel like didn't deserve to be treated like she treated me. i wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and heck maybe not the best for her, but i don't think i deserved to be lied to and deceived like that. am i wrong in feeling like this? should i ever try to talk to her as a friend again?
feelings
about the time that i was studying for my last final (i'm a first year law student, so i was pretty danged nervous about them) she sends me a facebook message asking when my last final was. i tell her, thinking hey maybe she wants to hang out and actually try the friend thing. so the night of my last final i go out to a bar with a few of my fellow classmates and drink and sing some karaoke. my ex calls me around the time last call rolls around. i was a bit stunned when she called me, cause i didn't really expect it at such an hour. i answer and at first she tells me that she just wanted to touch base, which i didn't really think too much about. had i been in a more sober state of mind, i would have asked myself who touches base at 2 in the morning.
anyhow, we're talking and some how (i don't really remember) she brings up "this guy i'm interested in." i ask her if that's the only reason why she called me, and she says no. but basically the rest of the conversation is how she likes this guy and how she's perfect for him and how she could marry him. i ask her if it's the guy she'd been hanging out with from her japanese club, to which she denies (it should be noted that as a law student i didn't have a lot of time to spend with her, so i always encouraged her to not sit around her house and wait for me, but should hang out with e few of her friends. perhaps i was too trusting in that aspect) she even told me the exact date she started liking him. somewhere in the conversation i basically tell her that maintaining a relationship with her is useless and that i'd rather hate her than still have feelings for her. the convo basically deteriorates into us taking cheap shots at each other. earlier this summer we had taken a trip to japan together. i asked her if she had fun with me on that trip. she told me that she could have had fun there with anyone and that i was replaceable (this part of the conversatino i will never forget, because i had one of the greatest times of my life on that trip). eventually the conversation comes to an end when i tell her that i hope her new guy rips her heart out.
next day i go over to a friend of mine's place. this friend also had class with my ex, so he would talk to her contantly. turns out he knew abotu her new boyfriend, but didn't tell me cause he saw the effect the initial break up took on me and he was gonig to wait until after i was out of school to tell me if she hadn't told me first. so i'm there, getting my vent on, when my ex calls me again. "i wanted to see if you'd pick up the phone." she then asks me if i had anything else i wanted to say, to which i call her morally reprehensible and tell her that i was almost ashamed to say that i once loved her. she said that she was actually proud of her new boyfriend, because he was good at things like ddr and guitar hero. sorry that being in law school isn't enough for you to be proud of, i say. she also likes him because he spends money on her, unlike myself (i've never had a lot of money and the money i do have is my parents. i try not to spend too often because my family isn't exactly well off. i spent money on her when i could she told me i wasn't nice or considerate, to which i responded with a list of nice and considerate things i did for her, and then i ask her where she was during my college graduation (she was alseep). she said she didn't care.
so after that i basically removed her from my myspace, facebook, my phone, etc. but now i can't get over this sense of betrayal and hurt that i feel. i feel like didn't deserve to be treated like she treated me. i wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and heck maybe not the best for her, but i don't think i deserved to be lied to and deceived like that. am i wrong in feeling like this? should i ever try to talk to her as a friend again?
feelings
crwth on
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Alright, stop right there man...There's your answer. She's your ex. Not your current, not your future, but your past tense. You obviously don't seem to be too interested in her life, or too happy about the parts that you have heard about, so just break off the ties. Worst case scenario is that you see her at a mutal friends party or something, and if that happens, have fun, make small talk, and leave it at that, or go home.
Let her go, don't get into any more pissing contests over the phone with her, and don't insult her when she calls you. You're in law school now, have some professionalism and treat her like you would an opposing lawyers client.
Let her run off with some guy who can 'play guitar hero and ddr' while you finish your post secondary education (so that you can get a good job and make a fuckton of money) while you meet another girl who appreciates you and likes the things you do for her - and then you can start a life with her while whats-her-face runs off to japan with some douche.
No and fuck no. That is some atrocious shit, especially calling you the night before your fucking final to screw with your head.
Count yourself lucky that you aren't going to be with her for the next 10 years. Oh and in 10 years? You'll be a fucking lawyer, it won't be hard to get another girlfriend.
Sounds like grade A bitchy behavior, I'd say never look back. You don't deserve the drama.
oh no definately i don't plan on talking to her unless she talks to me first, which i know will never happen because she's too proud.
but yeah, i guess i just don't like hating someone. i've never really hated a person before, so hating a person i had really strong feelings for really irks me me a bit.
but i know it's basically my only choice if i want to maintain my dignity
Well, you're halfway there already. Now just change her name in your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER", so that if she does call it will have to be from someone else's line. Then, when you do talk to her, be quick, but be civil. Don't stoop to her level.
i hate to sound like i'm defending her, but she started taking shots at me after i told her to make me hate her. she told me she didn't want me to find out abotu her new bf some other way. but still, these are things that i'm sure she was thinknig and i just had to force her to say it to me.
It's a breakup, and it was your first love. It sucks, but you'll get over it. Cut her out of your life (throw away any memorabilia of the time the two of you shared if necessary) and move on. Let time do its work.
okay see.... that's a different story. It sounds to me like she was calling you when she knew you would be in a good mood, to break this news to you gently, and you blew up at her, and she's trying to be cool. So which is it?
Good. That's how relationships are supposed to end unless you are A) really lucky or
Move on. Nothing has changed.
but man if i had known when she broek up with me i definitely would not have stopped. i'da shoved her right out of the door instead of trying to make things work.
Server all ties and never look back.
You have way more life ahead of you than behind.
what?
do both yourselves a big favor and never talk to her again.
What are you trying to accomplish?
Well, you asked for it. Try to just stop thinking about her, don't harbor hate or regret or any of that shit, just focus on moving on. Cut contact because its what you need to do to move on. It's alright to feel hurt and angry, but you definitely want to start focusing on more positive things and cut her out of the picture for now.
like i said, i don't plan on talking to her again
What. A. Bitch.
That is some repulsive behavior right thar. Don't disconnect her from your life just because she's your ex, but disconnect her from your life cause she is a messed up person.
I'm going through the dealing-with-the-break-up thing myself, and I had the knock-down drag-out "tell me why you love this other person over me" fight. It's shitty and it makes you feel like crap, and all you can do is not contact her and give it time. She's a bitch for calling you and telling you about all this two weeks after you guys broke up, which she did to make herself feel good when you got upset over hearing it.
Otherwise, keep yourself busy, and hang out with friends that won't talk about her constantly.
also, since she's going to japan, i really don't have to think about it since she won't be in the country. and by the time she comes back i'll probably have already moved closer to the school i go to.
First off, maintaining your dignity has nothing to do with hating your ex. You had strong feelings for a girl, and now you're upset that you've lost something important to you, hurt because of things she recently said to you, guilty because of things you've recently said to her, and quite possibly lonely and suffering from "relationship withdrawal". If you want to maintain your dignity, admit this stuff to yourself and allow yourself to continue healing.
Lashing out at her, or telling your friends you're "glad you're rid of the bitch", is not being macho and it's not solving any problems. It's called being in denial. There's nothing wrong with dealing with pain after a relationship ends.
Now, this:
I'm going to come at this wall of text with an alternate perspective. Ex calls at 2 o'clock in the morning? As you've already indicated, you know that this conversation could have gone in a different direction than it did. This is your typical "I did what I thought was right, but I'm missing my ex-boyfriend and I'm just not sure I did the right thing after all, but I have no idea where I stand and don't want to look like I'm crawling back, oh shit he answered what do I say now" phone call. She said the wrong thing, you got angry and said something that stung, she responded with an insult, queue five minutes of vicious low blows.
I'm pointing this out because convincing yourself that your ex is some kind of sadist that loves to make you miserable and this whole thing is her fault might make you feel a little better in the short term, but it's not going to help you long term. I agree with other posters that moving on is healthy, and maybe avoiding any conversation with her altogether might be beneficial while you sort things out. Just don't use your pain as an excuse to demonize your ex.
This is key. The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Who the fuck cares about her. She is deliberately trying to get under your skin. Don't let her. Go out with your friends, have a few drinks, shark up some girls. Have fun, and think of her with a "meh."
Okay that was lame I'm sorry... But seriously fuck her. There's no other response I can give that would be much different from everyone else's. She's acting like a bitch, and deserves nothing from you.
Sounds like you plan on doing this, so.... thread over?
High-fives all around?
(i guess that means close thread?)
And frenzy if you smell blood in the water. Yeah, that's a terrible choice of words. Women aren't prey.
She's either a tremendous dumbass or a tremendous douche.
Both good reasons to stay away from her.
No, it is the normal and healthy thing to do.
But you should not blame her for meeting a new guy through her hobbies. I mean, things like this happen; we cannot control how we feel towards people. She met a guy, she started liking him, you weren't there... this is one of the many recipes for break-up.
I'm pretty convinced that some girls do this sort of thing to downplay their previous relationships to themselves in order to make the new person look high and mighty in their eyes. Thank God I'm not dating someone like that now. I know it's already been said, but I thought I'd just throw that in there. It might be helpful to know.
But yeah, as many others have already stated, find something to take your mind off of her and soon the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" will ring true.
Plus you're really young.
Man, I'm just thinking you should be thrilled to be away from her.
Satans..... hints.....
I agree. In my mind, to hate someone wastes your own energy and is only hurting you. No one has ever been hurt by being hated by others.
Looks like the OP is very proud of going to law school, thanks for pointing it out all the time.
Also he deleted his ex from his myspace and facebook, making it sound like a really big deal and is asking us what to think and do about a girl who rates her significant other according to this guitar hero and ddr skills.
Bonus points to the guy who answered the OP, saying that one day he will be a lawyer and what a shitton of girlfriends a lawyer can have, making it sound like getting attention of the opposite sex by belonging to a select group of people based on income and job description is something everyone of us should strive for.
Because all of us should go to law school.
So, yeah, cut the cord, don't see her, talk to her, etc. and go read a good book not related to your future job.
Also, facebook and myspace don't matter.
Sorry, maybe it'S just too late and I`m too tired or I'm just getting old, but I needed to share my wisdom with you.
Excuse me for thinking that your prospects with women are likely to be a bit better if you're a lawyer as opposed to, say, someone who's good at fucking DDR and Guitar Hero. :roll:
You have missed his meaning entirely, good job. Is "to get a lot of girls" really a good reason to become a lawyer? Really? Aren't lawyers supposed to be primarily concerned with, like, justice and the law?