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As if I don't exist: a girl(friend) thread
Pizza&Coffee
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girl and I have been together for a year and a half. 3 months ago I moved to another city for grad school so we are doing things long distance in the mean time. Things are well, for the most part, except for something that is really starting to bug me. She tries to avoid mentioning my existence to other people. An example:
She was telling me about how somebody was hitting on her at a work Christmas Party. She went alone to this party because I was still out of town at the time. After some smooth talking, the guy tested the water by asking her if the person sitting next to her was her boyfriend. She replied with a simple "no" without mentioning that she's in a relationship.
When I talked to her about it, her explanation is that she doesn't feel the need to let everyone know. She doesn't want to become one of those girls who mention their boyfriend every two seconds, and so is not going to bring me up unless the question is "do you have a boyfriend".
I don't think this is a matter of keeping personal life separate from work life either. Only some of her closest friends know about us. She avoids putting a relationship status on her social networking page, and even asked me to remove certain pictures of us from public albums.
I want to make clear that I love her and trust her completely. I know she won't do anything that will hurt me, and the fact that she told me about the party means she's not trying to hide things from me. I just don't understand why this is bugging me so much. I do feel a little silly getting so worked up over her facebook profile. Am I turning into "the jealous boyfriend"?
She was telling me about how somebody was hitting on her at a work Christmas Party. She went alone to this party because I was still out of town at the time. After some smooth talking, the guy tested the water by asking her if the person sitting next to her was her boyfriend. She replied with a simple "no" without mentioning that she's in a relationship.
When I talked to her about it, her explanation is that she doesn't feel the need to let everyone know. She doesn't want to become one of those girls who mention their boyfriend every two seconds, and so is not going to bring me up unless the question is "do you have a boyfriend".
I don't think this is a matter of keeping personal life separate from work life either. Only some of her closest friends know about us. She avoids putting a relationship status on her social networking page, and even asked me to remove certain pictures of us from public albums.
I want to make clear that I love her and trust her completely. I know she won't do anything that will hurt me, and the fact that she told me about the party means she's not trying to hide things from me. I just don't understand why this is bugging me so much. I do feel a little silly getting so worked up over her facebook profile. Am I turning into "the jealous boyfriend"?
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I'm not quite sure of it. But I do know that she means no harm.
If this is brand new behavior and is unlike her, I would certainly wonder why the change came up and hope that she would discuss it openly.
if it's not new behavior and she's always been like that, baring other changes in her behavior/personality, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
This kind of thing cropping up was one of the first things that came up with my ex , along with several other things that all came up and resulted in a messy breakup. She was private about a few aspects of the relationship and with a few people, but she had no qualms about being in one or letting people know, especially her friends. However after she went down for BMT and then Tech school, she slowly started removing pictures of us together from her Myspace page in her free time, then slowly calling less, talking to people and not mentioning me, etc.
Like you, she told me all about the guys that hit on her, the people hooking up, etc. I asked her about the odd changes in her attitude with me once they became very obvious and she simply said she was just busy, wanted to change things up, and then get better pictures of us (for the Myspace obviously).
I thought, as you did, that since she was so open about the whole thing that it wasn't a big deal. However, as time dragged on in tech school with her, she called less, dropped ever further out of contact, took more and more pictures of us off the page, and generally got more distant.
Ultimately she cheated on me, stole money, and simply stopped all contact and faded away.
Not saying your situation would go down the same road, but large changes in attitude are certainly something to look into. Even if it's nothing bad with you and your relationship, it could be something bothering her.
If this is the only thing there is, then I would say nothing is wrong, or else there is something wrong with you for not bothering to know about whatever else there was.
This is only a big deal if it falls in with a pattern of other changes going on.
Examples:
She has never liked me asking her what's she's been up to because she feels I'm trying to make her report everything she does to me. An example of a conversation we had a few weeks ago:
me: "Hey, what're you up to tonight."
her: "Going out to dinner."
me: "Oh, with who?"
her: "Someone"
me: *a little curious* "Do I know this someone."
her: "You're grilling me. I don't like it."
It's not word for word, but the idea's there. I found out later that she went to dinner with some relatives. I was just trying to make conversation in the first place, but her lack of willingness to reveal and my curiosity made things go out of control. I mean we do talk about different things on the phone. She just becomes reluctant when the topic becomes to what she did and who she did it with. This has been the case before I moved a way. I think it got amplified by the long distance thing.
She's always been the type who is (tries to be?) strong and independent, so I can see that as a reason for her wanting to not flaunt.
Another thing:
There has always been guys going for her, even when we were in the same city. Some of them back off when they find out about me, while some others didn't care and kept pursuing her anyway. She will not outright reject them until they make their intention really clear. She doesn't want to assume and get into embarrassing situations by misreading signals. She also doesn't have a lot of friends so she doesn't want to risk turning friends away. I could see her logic in that, so I agreed with her even though I'd rather her err on the other side. She agreed with me about how it's probably not the best idea to hang out alone with these people even if they're "just friends", and has been doing less of it.
So that's basically it. Should I be worried?
If she seems genuinely, 100% happy in her relationship with you, don't worry.
However, long-distance relationships are simply too hard for some people to be happy with. It's not a matter of who's at fault, but that a lot of people just can't be happy in a relationship where they only get to see the other person once in a while. If she's starting to feel like that, you two either need to work on not being long-distance as soon as humanly possible, or you should break up.
That set off a red flag to me. It sounds to me like she lavishes in the attention of others. Has that proven true to you?
Actually, the conversation example you put out above is further evidence of the attention desiring. She didn't tell you who she was with... you get to play 20 questions. I've never been a fan of that personally.
But that doesn't mean that she's doing it intentionally, or that she'd ever go further than that. If there were any evidence - in any relationship, past or present - that she'd be willing to cheat, I'd cut it off. Cheats very rarely change their colors, and that would turn the red flag into a big red blinking stop signal.
If she's never cheated before, I'd say she's just one of those women that need a lot of attention/praise. If you're okay with that, just make sure to keep in contact with her while you're away. YOU need to be the source of that attention/praise, rather than someone new. That doesn't mean you should move back to be with her, but you should definitely make sure to contact her regularly, visit her on weekends, etc...
And if she cheats on you after that, that's totally lame because you'll have tried your damnedest... but at that point, there's really nothing you could've done to stop it.
EDIT:
It couldn't have been said better. 100% true.
I've seen friends who were in fantastic, amazing relationships fall to pieces from distance. I've also seen relationships last through distance, but you have to be prepared emotionally in case the worst happens. And if you pro-actively continue communicating/visiting her, it will help to prevent such disaster.
Are you so selfish and jealous that you don't want your girlfriend to feel like she is attractive, that she is the kind of person guys hit on?
You might argue that by not mentioning your existence unless explicitly asked, she is leading other guys on, but in my opinion as long as she doesn't actually cheat on you, what she is doing is completely normal, arguably even healthy. She sounds like an independent girl, and she probably doesn't mention who she does things with -- even when its relatives -- because she doesn't want you to feel bad for not being there.
Stop looking for reasons to get worried about. For one thing, doing so will only accelerate a break-up if it's coming, and for another, it's retarded to worry about things you can do nothing about. If she sleeps with someone, she sleeps with someone; if she is the kind of person to do it and/or your relationship is at the break-up stage, you confronting her will only delay the inevitable.
That sounds to me like she was already agitated about something before this conversation began. Because, yeah, if she always responds to you like that, then I think it's a little unreasonable.
That wasn't verbatim. It didn't sound that harsh at the time but it was pretty clear that she wasn't happy when I asked. I guess when she's in a really good mood she'll talk but usually she avoids it.
I know what you are saying, and that's why I'm struggling with this. I am not sure if it's my jealously talking, or if something is not right in this situation. The thing is she IS attractive and that's why all these guys hit on her. It just gets a bit out of hand sometimes, like when guys send her messages that goes beyond simple advances. (eg. "I love you and miss you. XOXOXO" etc.) She doesn't reply to them but doesn't discourage them either. I am not the type of guy who likes to show off his girl to others. I am perfectly content if the entire male population leave us alone.
I have talked to her about this. I asked her if she likes receiving attention and she said no, not particularly. I don't think she was lying so it's probably a subconscious thing. Putting myself in her shoes, I guess it would a nice boost in self-esteem if I'm getting hit on by girls all the time. Only difference is that I will, and have done so in the past, subtly let them know I'm not interested.
Long distance really sucks.
those people can be incredibly irritating.
Yeah, well that will never happen unless you go live in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness somewhere.
Again, stop worrying about things you can't change. She's attractive, she will always be hit on by guys. The best thing you can do is to learn to live with it.
Think of it this way: your relationship is long-distance and this is probably already putting a strain on your relationship. No need to make things worse by getting your panties in a bunch over something as insignificant as "my girlfriend doesn't tell me who she hangs out with". She sounds like a very private person, and she enjoys attention, and/or she doesn't want to be one of those girls who flaunt their boyfriends, that is all.
I find it really funny that people actually use the "in a relationship" button along with "it's complicated" on these social networking sites...so I don't know, that shouldn't really shock you if someone wants to keep their private life...private.
Having to outright reject someone is an incredibly awkard and uncomfortable experience, especially if they are persistant and you have to do it more than once. Not replying to messages like that is a subtle way of indicating that she isn't interested in recieving them. Just because she's not letting people know she's not interested in the same way that you would, doesn't mean she's not doing it. Ignoring the issue entirely is one way dealing with it, because the other party will hopefully pick up on that. Sometimes people will miss "I'm not interested" vibes, but that doesn't mean the person concerned isn't sending them.
Having been in the situation of having people continuing to hit on me after they find out I have a boyfriend, as far as I'm concerned if I'm not saying yes, I am saying no. If I am jokingly saying no, I still mean no. I only mean yes when I explicitly say yes, which I will not do because I am not interested.
And as for not mentioning that she has a boyfriend, that could just be because she doesn't feel the need to talk about it, or she feels akward inserting that into conversation. I know I do, I will always avoid saying "I have a boyfriend", and if that means someone doesn't find out about him until he comes up naturally in conversation, well too bad. I would only be concerned if she was avoiding mentioning you.
It sounds to me like you're just stressing a litttle and are overthinking things. Relax, and have fun spending time with her while you're at home, instead of worrying.
I doubt she's going to change to accommodate your insecurities; and you're not going to be able to get over them all that easily either, therein lies the difficulty of the problem.
If you trust her than don't press the issue.
If you can't handle it right now then move on. One of the most mature things you can do is admit that you are unable to handle something at the current point in your life.
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That's what she was telling me, and I agree to that. What bugged me about that particular Christmas party incident was that the guy asked her if one of those people sitting next to her was her boyfriend. I thought it would be pretty natural for her to say something like, "No, he didn't come tonight".
What are your thoughts on dealing with these "orbiters"? Is your BF okay with them?
I'm not saying it's the girl's fault that she is being pursued by guys. But does it not become her responsibility to cut those people off so they don't get anymore false hopes? Coming from a guy's perspective, I can imagine them thinking they still have a chance because she did not clearly say no to them. It may be awkward to reject people over and over again, but isn't ignoring them just dragging on the problem?
It's very helpful to hear opinions from both genders. Please keep it coming.
Distance thrives through communication. Perhaps, rather than asking her what she's doing (or did all day), tell her what you're doing (or did all day). And after you talk about your stuff, ask her. If she's being difficult or accuses you of grilling her, say "hey, you can be mysterious if you want, but I, you know, like you and love you and am dating you and all that fun stuff, so you shouldn't be surprised if I want to know what goes on in your life
Unless she's cheating or losing feelings for you, you should assume that the "cold shoulder" treatment she gives you sometimes is magnified for other guys. Her short "No" statement at the holiday party is just that -- a cold shoulder response. She didn't want to get into a conversation, she didn't want to give any extra information. She didn't want him to think that she had a long distance boyfriend or that she wanted further attention.
I don't think anything's all that weird about your situation. Remember, too, that situations where she does bring you up are unlikely to stick in her mind as a unique thing, and therefore you won't hear about them. Plus, in most situations it doesn't take long for word to get around on who's in a relationship.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Well, there's a big difference between wearing a symbol of ownership (ugh) and subtly making it known to people that you're taken when they show interest.
I do think he should show trust if she hasn't shown herself as being capable/interested in cheating, but let's face it: when it comes down to it, we men are expected to find a way to bring up the topic that we're taken when women take interest in us. (if you don't believe that, watch your girlfriend/wife's reaction if someone flirts with you in front of her and you don't mention it). I think the reciprocal respect should be given as well.
We are? Man I must live in a world where my fiancee knows that my heart is hers and hers alone and I can talk to whoever I want without blurting out. NO THANKS I AM ENGAGED!
I really think the OP should start to learn what the word trust means and not just pseudo trust. His woman doesn't like to blare her commitment there is nothing wrong with that. She hasn't cheated on him, and this is one part lack of trust and two parts anxiety over nothing.
pleasepaypreacher.net
With that said, though, I don't think she should be getting up in arms because you're trying to ask her what she's doing for the evening. You guys live apart, you're still in a relationship. Its not wrong of you to try and see what she's doing. You're not asking in a, "wtf r u doin 2nite?" aggressive way.
Personally I don't doubt her feelings are true for you-- but, the whole thing about not putting "In a Relationship" or whatever on Facebook and then dodging the, "Is that your boyfriend?" "No.." thats really misleading to the guy that asked her. She knows what she's doing, I think, and for a reason. She's curious now that you guys are away and she is, in a somewhat aggressive manner, seeing what she can get away with.
How is telling that guy, "No, he's not my boyfriend but I do have one" or something being the annoying girl who mentions her boyfriend every two seconds? She's letting the guy know that, "Hey. We can be friends, but don't expect anything else." I find that a little sleazy of the guy in the first place. What would it matter? He should be trying to befriend her first and not be worrying if the guy next to him is going to get pissed for a cheap pass at his girlfriend.
I think its great you can trust her in a situation like you're in, though.
You have a very patient fiancee if that's the case.
Maybe it's just the way society is these days, or maybe you're right and people should trust each other more: but for the vast majority of the population, the situation you seem to live in just doesn't exist for them. People (men and women) have egos, and some (many) of them are too fragile to be as bold as it sounds like your fiancee is.
In honesty, I don't think I've ever met a woman (including my wife) who wouldn't give you a sound berating if a girl was flirting with you and you didn't find a way to imply to her that you were taken.
And yet again, you went to the straw man extreme. You don't have to blurt out "NO THANKS I AM ENGAGED!" There are very subtle ways of handling it. There's always the classic "Yeah, I love doing that! In fact, just last week my wife and I..." just for starters.
And like I said before, I do agree with you on the statement above. But I think you should understand that there just aren't that many women (or men, for that matter) these days who would be as patient as it sounds like your fiancee is.
My advice to the OP is to stop trying to make mountains out of ant hills.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Borderline insulting? Just because something isn't flattering doesn't mean it isn't true. You shouldn't ignore my argument simply because it casts humans in a bad light.
Listen Preacher, I know that you don't like the implications of it. I'm not a fan of it either, and I'm not trying to start a fight with you. I'm just stating what seem to be true in practice.
And indeed, "what constitutes flirting to one person could be simple conversation to someone else," which is why there are very easy and clever ways to inject the knowledge that you're taken casually into a conversation.
If you are insecure about other guys, that isn't the end of the world - nobody is perfect and we all have flaws/problems that we struggle with. But how is she supposed to understand and accommodate this if she doesn't know?
I know it isn't fun to bring shit like this up because it might ruin the relationship - but if you can't be honest with her about your feelings, is the relationship that great to begin with??? You can't expect yourself to remain unhappy in order to keep her happy, so talk to her about it and see what happens.
Limed for great truth. Limed and bolded for even greater truth.
You're a wise person Evyl. I think that hits it squarely on the head.
-- About the guy at the party, in my experience, it takes a lot of talking to explain a long-distance relationship to someone. A lot of people just don't get them. So either you end up spending a whole ton of time explaining somewhat unsolicited about why you guys are apart but still dating, or if you're short about it, you'll end up with someone thinking you're just fabricating a boyfriend. (Or worse, someone figuring that you're available if your boyfriend isn't there).
It's a lot easier to just say "no" and leave it at that unless someone asks specifically.
-- About the social networking sites, if she has "single" or "looking" or something similar as her status, I could understand concern, but if she just doesn't want to put any relationship status on there, I wouldn't read too much into it.
On the other hand, if you are just asking about daily activities and she takes that as a sign you're jealous and don't trust her, you do have an issue. Long-distance relationships last through trust and communication (so do regular relationships, but it's especially important if you're apart). You need to make sure she understands that you do trust her and that you ask about her day out of curiosity about her, and for your part, you need to try not to read too much into certain things. But yeah, you guys need to talk about it.
I have actually found this to be true. When I moved (alone, to start) to a new city, I avoided telling any potential male friends I found that I was married, simply because then I wouldn't have made any friends. I prefer the company of men to women usually anyway, because I find most of the women around here to be terribly catty and shallow.
It was a a bit sad to be telling people "oh, it's my friend" on the phone when I was talking to my husband, but at the same time I knew I'd be dropped like a rock and never thought about again if I didn't.
Tough choice. I guess it comes down to trust, and if your relationship has a lot of it or not.
It sounds to me like those male friends were pretty shallow too though if they were only your friends because you weren't taken. I can understand the difficulty of your situation... but if they were really your friends, they'd be your friends dispite you being married. I can promise you that, as a male who is both married and has had (even before marriage) many female friends who were married. I can't promise you that they would have stuck around, but I *can* promise you that if they did that meant that they were truly your friends and not just someone interested in you.
I'd really like to make a comment about lying to people in order to befriend them, but i'm not sure how to do it without coming across as rude so I'll just say that it doesn't sound like a good idea. Especially if you're putting your relationship on the line for it.
The situation I was in, at least, was a tiny bit different since I was alone in a completely new city. All the friends I'd had when I lived with my husband knew I was married and they were all good friends. I did eventually find at least one good male friend who stuck with me even when I did trust him enough not to bolt when I told him I was married, and we have been friends for 5 years now.
I don't like lying much either and I know it's not a good policy, but the reality of the situation is that it seems so terribly difficult to meet people who aren't shallow - where are they all? I've really only found about 3 in my whole life. I'd have to be a hermit in order to keep to the standards I'd like to ascribe for myself, but that's not really possible, either.
(Also, at the same time I was doing this, I was telling my husband how I was handling my attempt at a social life and he was OK with it, which is obviously different from the OP's situation. My husband (from whom I am now sadly separated) and I had, and still do have, an incredibly trusting relationship that I am incredibly lucky to have with him. I know this is not the case with everyone, but at the time I wasn't "putting my relationship on the line" by lying in that way.)
Anyway, I was just trying to make a small example, and saying that I think it's the level of trust that's important in any relationship. From my own experience I can see why someone might want , or feel that they must "omit parts of the truth" to maintain a social life - but at the same time, it doesn't seem that the OP and his ladyfriend have enough trust between each other for it to really work. I was honest with my husband, but if she's not willing to be honest or even discuss it with you, then I can certainly see a potential for problems.
Aye, it's a hard situation... and especially these days. I think your observation is correct that there's many shallow people in the world these days. =( At least you found one person you can trust... to me, having just one friend who doesn't mind such aspects of my life is more important than having many friends who would.
But indeed, it's not easy moving to a new area, especially without your significant other. I've never been in that situation (well, I've moved... but not withouth my wife coming along), and I hope not to be if possible. It sounds neither fun nor uncomplicated.
I trust my girlfriend. I know that she will not do anything to hurt me. I am not trying to control her, nor am I trying to make her report to me everything that she does. I have been talking to her and her response was that she doesn't feel like she needs to flaunt our relationship to everyone. I am posting because I don't know why it's bugging me. Frankly I don't understand women all that well and I wanted some opinions about it.
If they really want to be friends with you, they will be despite of your marriage status. Those who'd bolt are looking for more, and they bug out when they realize they have no chance with you because you are married. Perhaps I am too naive, but I find it hard to believe that there aren't anyone out there who just wants to be friends with no strings attached. The situation won't be any different if you're single either. It may just feel like it's easier to make friends because those who are after romance will stick around longer. I don't think it's a matter of shallowness. They're just looking for something different than you are.
She said in no uncertain terms that she would always find a way to mention that she was in a relationship, and felt that I should do the same.
That being said, I don't exactly understand where your girlfriend is coming from. She obviously has a very different worldview from me (if she is being honest in her explanation). I may not be able to help much in that case. =(