The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
Please vote in the Forum Structure Poll. Polling will close at 2PM EST on January 21, 2025.
Girl troubles
Casual
Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
Hey guys I've got my self into a bit of a situation here so I'm just gonna put the problem out there and I'll appreciate any advice.
It's like this, recently I went to a friends 21st birthday party (lets just call her Jill) , I was for want of a better term in love with Jill for a very long time but didn't do anything about it because she was (until very recently) in a long term relationship with another very good friend of mine. While I was there her best friend who I sort of knew (call her Amy) started getting friendly with me so I flirted back more flattered by the attention than anything else. To make a long story short a few things happened that night and I ended up sleeping with her. Since then I've just been confused about what to do I still have a lot of feelings for Jill and I think even though I don't feel as strongly for Amy as she feels for me we could have something good. Plus Amy and Jill are really close so if I blow off Amy Jill may well think I'm an ass anyway.
I'm really inexperienced in relationships and Amy wants to go out with me again so like I said any advice would be great.
It's like this, recently I went to a friends 21st birthday party (lets just call her Jill) , I was for want of a better term in love with Jill for a very long time but didn't do anything about it because she was (until very recently) in a long term relationship with another very good friend of mine. While I was there her best friend who I sort of knew (call her Amy) started getting friendly with me so I flirted back more flattered by the attention than anything else. To make a long story short a few things happened that night and I ended up sleeping with her. Since then I've just been confused about what to do I still have a lot of feelings for Jill and I think even though I don't feel as strongly for Amy as she feels for me we could have something good. Plus Amy and Jill are really close so if I blow off Amy Jill may well think I'm an ass anyway.
I'm really inexperienced in relationships and Amy wants to go out with me again so like I said any advice would be great.
Casual on
0
Posts
Two reasons:
1) Basing this completely on my own experience, your infatuation with Jill is just that, and you have no guarantees with her. She very well may not return your feelings (even if it SEEMS like she does), and even if she does it seems like you don't have any viable chance at her anyway.
2) If you pass up a good opportunity for regular sex and/or a relationship because you're carrying a torch for someone else (who once again, isn't even available to you anyway), you are an idiot.
[Edit] - I'm not saying you should just lay everything that crosses your path; if you like Amy and think you might have a good time with her, go for it and see what happens.
And unless you can think of some valid reason why you shouldn't date Amy--like a bitchy personality or a nasty cocaine habit--then go for it. Some of my relationships that I was reluctant to start at first have turned out to be some of my best.
as the saying goes, "a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush", except we're talking about girls :P
Well, that is not a good reason to not date someone. If you decide to NOT pursue Amy, don't let that be your reason.
The question is simple: Would you regret getting close to this girl, and would you regret her getting close to you?
Only you know the answer.
I agree with the rest of the posters in this thread, though, don't hold a torch for Jill. it's a bad idea. It never ends well.
@ Enki: That’s just the thing I don’t have any substantial feelings for Amy when I really think about it my reasons for wanting to pursue this boil down to wanting more sex. I’m worried she thinks I’m more interested than I actually am.
@ Aphostile: It wasn’t my intention to sleep with her off the bat believe me no one was more surprised than me it worked out that way. And no I can’t say I knew her as anything more than a friend of Jills.
Anyway thanks for the advice people it pretty much confirms what I already thought, I’m gonna try this thing out with Amy and see where it goes.
One thing; be careful. If Jill and Amy are close, and you start things with Amy just for sex while she's interested in you for more.... Well, let's just hope that you develop some feelings and don't just use her as a **** buddy and dump her, because then you'll have blown any chances you may have had with Jill in the future.
I'm definitely with everyone here though, trying out a new relationship is a good thing, and denying yourself what could turn out to be an awesome experience just because you're into someone else would be stupid.
Seriously though, if they're close, tread carefully.
Oh, and why on earth would sleeping with someone "right off the bat" doom a relationship, Aphostile?
I feel the same way about this, really.
Don't go out with Amy just because she's available.
Maybe I misunderstood, but here's what I got out of the OP:
1. Goes to birthday party of good friend (whom he's very attracted to)
2. Best friend of good friend flirts with OP
3. OP reciprocates, one thing leads to another, they have sex
Now, maybe it's me, but I'm not seeing, out of any of that, a reason to start a relationship with either of them. Casual sex is just that, casual. If Amy is expecting a meaningful relationship from it (or if, god forbid, the OP is thinking the same), then she's in for a rude awakening.
Now, maybe Amy is a good match for dating, but dating someone while being strongly attracted to their best friend is a recipe for bad things to happen.
So, my advice is thus: confess to Jill your true feelings, OP. If she reacts favorably, great. If not, at least you tried and you won't have "what if" eating away at you.
As for Amy, if she wants something serious, tell her that you enjoyed your time with her (and you hope she did with you), but you don't know her well enough to start anything serious with her.
In any case, good luck to you.
As I am sure many others will confirm, I wish someone had given me this advice years before I learned it to be true.
In my experience, the timeframe in which sex happens is pretty much irrelevent to any future relationship. I've slept or fooled around with guys on a first (or second) meeting and had excellent relationships, and I've waited for ages and then had terrible relationships. The only predicting factor is that if a guy disrespects me for sleeping with him "too soon," he's a douche and I want nothing to do with him. This whole idea that women are supposed to be the gatekeepers of sexuality and are sluts if they give in to a guy too soon is disgusting and ridiculous.
Now, as for the OP, he did say he thinks there could be something good with Amy, and it does seem like he's getting over his infatuation with Jill (hence, "was for want of a better term in love" rather than "am"). Confessing his feelings to Jill has a very small chance of her liking him back; if she did, it's very unlikely that her best friend would've gone for him at the party. Amy, however, clearly does like him, and he likes her back. So if he tells Jill "I've been "in love" with you forever" (which, by the way, is likely to come off as creepy), he ruins any chance he has with Amy. If he dates Amy and things work out, that's good. If he dates Amy casually and breaks things off without being an asshole and then, down the line, asks Jill out when his feelings aren't those of overwhelming infatuation, he's got a better chance with Jill than he does now.
This.
Don't be a douche. If you want to date Amy for dating Amy, do it. Otherwise, leave her alone and go back to sitting on your hands waiting for Jill. It has nothing to do with the "convenience of sex now" or "the possibility that dating Amy now might ruin your chances for Jill later".
I can give examples of times when casual sex hasn't led to good things in terms of a serious involvement, but then we're arguing anecdotal evidence which isn't helpful to the OP, so let's just say that my experience has been the opposite of yours there.
The OP also said, and this is the part I keyed in on first, that he is inexperienced in relationships. That leads me to believe that his belief that there could be "something good with Amy" is quite possibly a hasty and therefore erroneous one. It's a belief most likely built out of the fact that she hopped in the sack with him the first time (again, based on what I'm reading here) she showed any interest. I'd imagine any person who hasn't had many relationships would take that as a sign that "hey, things will work out super because we hit it off so well that we slept together, this must be kismet!" when in fact, it's very possible that she either A) thought he was attractive and wanted a quick lay or
In any case, they don't appear to know each other very well at all, and when the most you know about a person is how they are in the sack, again, not the strongest foundation for a solid relationship. Now, maybe things could work out with Amy, I'm not suggesting definitively that they will not. What I am saying is that he's already attracted to his "good friend" and has been for a while. Confessing his feelings to her is not in the least bit creepy; in fact if anything it's genuine and the mature, responsible thing to do. The last thing he should be doing is hopping into a relationship with a girl he slept with when he's still carrying a torch for her best friend. It's a potential disaster waiting to happen.
Finally, again, anecdotal evidence, but the theory that "Amy wouldn't have gone after him if Jill really did have feelings for him"? That's not at all a guarantee. I can speak to experience there as well; friendship doesn't always mean that every person you have an interest in is off limits. Some people are just better friends than others.
But I know this isn't D&D, so I don't want to belabor this with anecdotes. Do what you feel is right, OP. Just don't do anything hasty and be honest with all parties involved, that's about the best advice I can give.