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Struggling Male - Mature Advice Please!

SideAffectsSideAffects Registered User regular
edited May 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Hey guys. I have been lurking on this site for about half a year now, but tonight I figured that I would finally create an account so that I could ask some other guys for help with a personal problem that I'm facing. I think this might turn out to be a long post, but I figure that more detail might help you in helping me.

I'm a 23 year old male that went to private catholic schools for most of my life. My sheltered life pretty much screwed me until recently. In college at a public university I had too little confidence to really get any action, although I had a girlfriend for about 6 months (we didn't mess around very far though). I graduated with some nice degrees, no long-term friends, and low self esteem.

Within a year of graduating I ended up getting a great job, made some great friends with the people at my job, started eating healthy and working out, and in general became a way more confident person. Along with that came the attention of a lot of girls, something I wasn't used to.

At one of my friends parties I managed to go home with a really hot girl, and finally got the chance to turn in my V card. I was drinking, but I wasn't even to the point of buzzing when I was with her. About 30 seconds into having sex, my conscience basically slayed me.

I felt that what I was doing was taking advantage of a chick who was drinking, and that she'd never normally be attracted to me, and basically blew myself to pieces. I lost most of my erection and although I was aroused, I wasn't hard enough to continue anything. Luckily I was able to blame it on alcohol and wave it off.

Now seriously, this shit scares me. I can still masturbate fine, have no trouble getting hard to porn or even with my imagination. Since this incident, I've started dating a TERRIFIC girl. She's the kind of girl I've always thought to be out of my league, and she really digs me back. I am literally "ready to go" the moment she brushes against me each day. Sometimes I feel like a freaking 13 year old boy in high school trying to "rearrange" myself after I hug her. However, we're at the point where it's time to round the bases, and I have yet to be able to physically show I'm "in the mood" when foreplay gets to that point. I've bombed two situations, and talked with her about it. As a testament to how great she is, she has been very cool about it and is being extremely patient with me. But I WANT to have sex with her, and this is starting to be a hiccup in what was originally going so damn well.

I think that even if my first problem WAS caused by even the tiny amount of alcohol in me, I've basically worried myself into a position where I'll never be able to "perform". I have never been on any medication in my life despite depression from the age of 11 to 21, which has subsided since I got out of school. I am not diabetic or on any supplements for exercising. I have a very stressful job (but I think I manage it quite well) get plenty of sleep over the weekends to recharge, and I am in pretty good shape. I spoke to my doctor about it and he waved it off as being stress-related and/or something I'll be ready for when the time is right, as if there is some sort of psychological trust hurdle with her that I need to overcome. Quite frankly, I'd rather be prescribed a few Levitra pills so I could overcome this and just ween myself off of them, but apparently that isn't going to happen. I know I'm not the only one that's been in this position, so can anyone offer me some advice?

SideAffects on

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    DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Stop thinking.... no seriously stop it... relax don't think and enjoy yourself. Possibly get yourself drunk enough the first time where you won't think about it, though I don't know if you would want to ruin the experience that way. Seriously though, relax and let it come naturally.

    DeShadowC on
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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Your doctor is right. It's not a trust issue, so much as a stress issue.

    A glass of wine or a beer or two might actually help to relax you.

    Thanatos on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    The most recent issue of Esquire covered this very topic, actually.

    Freaking out over your boner's boner status is the number one killer of boners. You thought about your boner, then that caused you to worry about your boner, which caused you to lose your boner, which caused you to worry more about it, etc.

    It's not a physical thing.

    Doc on
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    SideAffectsSideAffects Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Thanatos wrote: »
    Your doctor is right. It's not a trust issue, so much as a stress issue.

    A glass of wine or a beer or two might actually help to relax you.

    I gave that a try the second go, with no luck :(
    Doc wrote: »
    The most recent issue of Esquire covered this very topic, actually.

    Freaking out over your boner's boner status is the number one killer of boners. You thought about your boner, then that caused you to worry about your boner, which caused you to lose your boner, which caused you to worry more about it, etc.

    It's not a physical thing.

    I'm also in agreement that it's not a physical thing. I know I should be able to do it, but I just can't. The moment the shirts come off, I immediately double-check that I'm still good to go, which brings on the cascade you just mentioned. I don't know how to skip that idea. Naturally, this being my opportunity to have sex for the first time, my thoughts are racing so fast I can't even keep track of them. I can't figure out how to prevent that anxiety from even making it's way in to my head (pun intended)

    SideAffects on
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    exisexis Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I know it's pretty much impossible to do, but you should try not to think of sex as a huge deal. You're putting so much weight into the act that you're overthinking it. It's not like once you slip it in there are suddenly fireworks and everything is amazingly awesome and wonderful. Try and think of it as just an extension of you and her being physical in other ways. Kissing, touching, etc. Even just connecting emotionally. It's really just another part of all of that intimacy; not an entirely separate entity. So try not to feel like there is any reason to worry about it, or that your performance is an issue, etc.

    A lot easier said than done, of course. I was the opposite to you, first time I had 'sex' I came as I was putting it in :P. But in hindsight I attribute that to me overthinking it waaaay too much. Thinking "omg omg I'm going to have sex" isn't really the way to go about it. Once I got used to it, and it became just an extension of other intimacy, we both enjoyed ourselves a lot more.

    exis on
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    KilroyKilroy timaeusTestified Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    DeShadowC wrote: »
    Stop thinking.... no seriously stop it...

    Pretty much this.

    One tip that I gave a friend of mine who had this exact problem is to take things slowly. When "the shirts come off" as you say, don't think "oh my god sex," just focus on the foreplay. Working your way slowly towards actually having sex can help calm you down and make you more comfortable with the idea.

    Also, be confident! You've got a case of "this girl's too good for me." You need to drop that and start thinking "wow, this totally awesome girl is into me; I must be a pretty good guy after all." A little confidence will go a long way to helping you not stress about sex.

    Kilroy on
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    VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I understand where you're coming from. As someone who was in a similar situation (though I didn't go to Catholic school, my family was staunchly Catholic and I was raised with a lot of guilt), I know where you're coming from.

    I think you can help to put your mind at ease as far as the guilt associated with using someone if you're both at least modestly sober. It sounds like you were, but you didn't give info as to if she was... and it sounds like your guilt stemmed, at least in part, from the thought that she might not know what was going on because she was drunk. I think your first time, you're going to need to be able to at least not have that aspect of guilt by making sure that both of you are at least decently sober.

    That'll help a lot... you'll likely find something else to feel guilty about, but hopefully you can address that as it comes along. Because in truth, if she's sober and aware of the decision she's making, you have nothing to feel guilty about... but if she isn't, then there is indeed something to feel guilty about. I mean, if she has no idea what's going on (in the extreme situation), there's definitely cause for guilt (I mean, in that kind of extreme situation, that could be considered rape... not saying that you did, but pointing out that in such a situation it'd be a bad idea to proceed with the intended activity). But if she's sober and wants to do it, from that point there's very few reasons to feel justifiably guilty.

    Hopefully this helps.

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
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    Folken FanelFolken Fanel anime af When's KoFRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I'll definitely second the foreplay advice.

    Also.. I didn't see you mention anything about condoms. The only time I've ever gone limp is when I wore a condom that wasn't extra thin. I'm 24 btw. I know how scary that is to see your dick go limp during sex when you're young. A change of condom did wonders for me.

    Also.... you should have sex when your ready. Your girl sounds pretty understanding. Talk to her about it a little more, and that might help your situation.

    Folken Fanel on
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    heretoinformheretoinform __BANNED USERS regular
    edited May 2008
    Just an off-topic comment about your post:

    Don't make up for the little sleep you get during weeknights by sleeping more during weekends. It doesn't work that way. You don't have a quota that you have to meet for sleep each week, so filling up extra on the weekends doesn't help anything. Try to get a nice average amount of sleep each night, and you should notice that you are more alert and energetic after a while.

    heretoinform on
    Socialism is the concrete foundation of America. Capitalism is the flimsy tin shack that sits upon it.
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    Xenocide GeekXenocide Geek Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Just an off-topic comment about your post:

    Don't make up for the little sleep you get during weeknights by sleeping more during weekends. It doesn't work that way. You don't have a quota that you have to meet for sleep each week, so filling up extra on the weekends doesn't help anything. Try to get a nice average amount of sleep each night, and you should notice that you are more alert and energetic after a while.

    err, actually it does work that way.

    sleep debt is a real thing. the minimum for full functionality is eight hours asleep a night. anything under that, and you're functioning at lower capacity.

    as far as gaining hours back by sleeping in on the weekends, that works sorta - the way sleep debt works is that every hour under eight hours you lose, you have to gain back those hours, equally. so if you get 5 hours of sleep one night, the next night, in order to not have any sleep debt, you need to get 11 hours of sleep. (8 + 3).

    if you get 6 hours of sleep a night for all the weekdays, you accrue about 10 hours of sleep debt. i guess if you sleep for 13 hours each day on the weekend, you should probably be back to 0.

    Xenocide Geek on
    i wanted love, i needed love
    most of all, most of all
    someone said true love was dead
    but i'm bound to fall
    bound to fall for you
    oh what can i do
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    heretoinformheretoinform __BANNED USERS regular
    edited May 2008
    Just an off-topic comment about your post:

    Don't make up for the little sleep you get during weeknights by sleeping more during weekends. It doesn't work that way. You don't have a quota that you have to meet for sleep each week, so filling up extra on the weekends doesn't help anything. Try to get a nice average amount of sleep each night, and you should notice that you are more alert and energetic after a while.

    err, actually it does work that way.

    sleep debt is a real thing. the minimum for full functionality is eight hours asleep a night. anything under that, and you're functioning at lower capacity.

    as far as gaining hours back by sleeping in on the weekends, that works sorta - the way sleep debt works is that every hour under eight hours you lose, you have to gain back those hours, equally. so if you get 5 hours of sleep one night, the next night, in order to not have any sleep debt, you need to get 11 hours of sleep. (8 + 3).

    if you get 6 hours of sleep for all the weekdays, you accrue about 10 hours of sleep debt. that's nearly impossible to work off in two days.

    I know there's a quota for every night, but I'm pretty sure you can't gain hours back by sleeping extra the next day. I'll have to look into this more though, since I only read about it three months ago, and since you seem to be more knowledgable than me about this topic, I'll take your word for it.

    heretoinform on
    Socialism is the concrete foundation of America. Capitalism is the flimsy tin shack that sits upon it.
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    Xenocide GeekXenocide Geek Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    err, sorry to take this topic off onto a tangent once more, but i need to rectify what i said:

    my text mislead me i think, just re-reading some stuff, and it was mostly vague. you could very well be right.

    in this guys case, i think averaging out sleep is a smart idea. the way i've heard recommended is by just adding an hour of sleep onto your (current) bed time, until you start waking up without an alarm. that means that you're functioning on a good sleep schedule.

    Xenocide Geek on
    i wanted love, i needed love
    most of all, most of all
    someone said true love was dead
    but i'm bound to fall
    bound to fall for you
    oh what can i do
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    SamiSami Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Y'see you're putting the pussy up on a pedastal...

    Sami on
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    Atlus ParkerAtlus Parker Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Sami wrote: »
    Y'see you're putting the pussy up on a pedastal...

    What does that mean? That's like the second time I've heard that.

    Atlus Parker on
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    Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Some guys treat women as some sort of untouchable goddesses, rather than, y'know, people. It fucks with the psyche and from what I understand isn't very attractive to most girls.

    Seattle Thread on
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    AldoAldo Hippo Hooray Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Sami wrote: »
    Y'see you're putting the pussy up on a pedestal...

    What does that mean? That's like the second time I've heard that.

    It means that some people think the pussy is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel and that once they go through it they're in heaven for all eternity.

    All chillin' with Jesus and stuff.

    Aldo on
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    NarianNarian Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Sounds like you're having problems with The Melty Man.

    Narian on
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    Regina FongRegina Fong Allons-y, Alonso Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    If you're regularly masturbating, stop. Masturbation is normal and healthy blah blah blah. Yeah, it's also a hell of a lot easier to get it up and follow through if you haven't experienced release in a week or so. Once you get over this hurdle you can go right back to your normal habits.

    Regina Fong on
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    KingAgamemnonKingAgamemnon Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Sami wrote: »
    Y'see you're putting the pussy up on a pedastal...

    What does that mean? That's like the second time I've heard that.

    Reference to the movie 40 year old virgin.

    Hmm, something OP should watch.

    KingAgamemnon on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    It might help if you didn't think of penis-in-vagina intercourse as this Major Thing You Must Accomplish. Most girls enjoy "foreplay" things more than you pumping away at them, so focus on those. After all, you losing an erection doesn't stop your mouth or your hands from working. Have fun in general, don't worry about keeping it up, and let intercourse happen when it's going to happen, not as some sort of goal for the session.

    Trowizilla on
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    RipevilleRipeville Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    The only reason why I'm repeating what has been said, is because it is so very true. Stop thinking of your boner, it will cause your boner to be de-boned. Continue to think of the woman in front, top, bottom of you and the de-boned will bone up again.

    Good luck!

    Ripeville on
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    KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Narian wrote: »
    Sounds like you're having problems with The Melty Man.

    You win for the Coupling reference, also Jeff being the best.

    I also have to agree with the advice given, the less you think about it, the less problems you have. Just stop thinking and you'll be fine. Obviously if you're already having sex then you don't really have to worry about her wanting you, from that point the easiest thing to do is stop worrying, and just go for it.

    Kyanilis on
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    NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    This is one of those cases of "I felt like I was reading my own OP," as I've had performance anxiety issues (a horrible side effect of just bad anxiety in general) for my entire life.

    Although the "just don't think about it so much" advice is true, it's probably far from helpful. The issue here is not identifying the problem, which is obviously over-thinking, but finding out how to get beyond it. It's a lot like telling a depressed person to "Just quick being sad."

    Truthfully, because of this issue I've never been able to have a one night stand, which can be either a blessing or a curse depending on your outlook on things. I really have to become comfortable sexually around someone, which takes time. She's obviously understanding, which is great because not everyone is (I've had girls just convinced that I didn't find them attractive no matter what I told them and crap like that). Just don't expect to have sex the next time you try, or the time after that... just realize that eventually you will have gone through the motions of foreplay so many times that you will be used to them and there won't be nearly as much pressure.

    But there are a couple of tricks I've learned to help things. Someone already mentioned having a bit of confidence, and I would also say try acting a little bit "selfish" when it comes to sex (not extremely, but just a bit). I found that I was often so 100% focused on what she was feeling, that I wasn't ever paying attention to how I was feeling. If you treat trying to make her orgasm like it's a space shuttle launch you won't be able to concentrate on enjoying it yourself, and won't be able to get it up.

    Another trick is try fantasizing just a little bit. Not necessarily that she is someone else or anything like that, but just whatever kind of situations/roles that might turn you on. This can be enough to distract your mind from the worry.

    There are many mental "tricks" you can try to get your mind distracted, but with me it just took enough time and experimenting until I was comfortable in the situation and there were no longer any expectations. It took enough "failed attempts" that it was understood by both of us that it wasn't really expected. And once you're not expecting it or thinking/worrying about it... guess what tends to happen?

    Hope some of that helps.

    Nocturne on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    just do a bunch of blow before you try next time
    just kidding, of course. I just wanted to post short horrible advice right after long good

    Doc on
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    Xenocide GeekXenocide Geek Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    warning: doc is not a real doc. do not heed advice!

    Xenocide Geek on
    i wanted love, i needed love
    most of all, most of all
    someone said true love was dead
    but i'm bound to fall
    bound to fall for you
    oh what can i do
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    jeepguy wrote: »
    If you're regularly masturbating, stop. Masturbation is normal and healthy blah blah blah. Yeah, it's also a hell of a lot easier to get it up and follow through if you haven't experienced release in a week or so. Once you get over this hurdle you can go right back to your normal habits.

    Plus that shit will be impressive.

    Doc on
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    grendel824_grendel824_ Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Lots of decent advice - early in our relationship, my first real girlfriend had a seizure right before we were going to "go all the way" and for a long, long time I couldn't get the knee-jerk reaction(s) that 1) it was somehow my fault and 2) That if I hadn't noticed her state (it wasn't a super-obvious seizure, though I'd think I'd notice SOMEthing soon enough) I might have "raped" her (silly, since it was more than consensual, but still) out of my mind, even with successive women. It affected our sex life enough that it contributed to our break up, but over time it's stopped coming up every time, but I still do think of it once in awhile.

    If none of the advice given here works very well, it's very likely something quite complicated/specific and would require professional advice. Hope it goes well and doesn't come to that, though!

    grendel824_ on
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