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EupfhoriaEupfhoria Registered User regular
edited March 2015 in Help / Advice Forum
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Eupfhoria on

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    YarYar Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Whether she's your first or your 1000th, people in relationships would do well to attempt some open communication about bedroom stuff.

    But it isn't about you being experienced. You could be John Holmes, that doesn't mean she necessarily is getting what she wants, and conversely, she might be your first and you could very easily already be the best she's ever had. Don't worry about your experience or hers, just worry about whether or not its working the way each of you want it to.

    Yar on
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    NostregarNostregar Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It's just that I don't really know how or if should tell her about my, uh, lack of experience

    Unless it comes up, I don't really see any reason to go out of your way to tell her. It isn't that big a deal.
    I also haven't really asked if there is still anything between her and her ex, and don't really know how ask without it seeming...jealous? I have noticed that she gets messages on her phone from who she says are her friends from where she lived, some of which are guys. This morning as I got out of the shower was one such time, and another was at like 4am when she was staying over one night. Probably meaningless, I'm sure, but I can't help but think about it...

    Why do you need to ask if there's anything with the ex? Presumably she wouldn't have gotten out of a 7 year relationship without being sure it was over (unless he was the one that ended it? that might be something to find out).

    Also, if you're getting jealous about her receiving text messages from male friends, you need to get over it. It's perfectly normal for a girl to have guy friends. Unless you have a reason to suspect/doubt her, I wouldn't worry about it. It seems like you're just a jealous/nervous kind of guy; nothing wrong with it, just try to get past it and not let it cause any issues in the relationship. If you absolutely need to, maybe bring it up with her in a non-accusing way (ask what her friends from home have to tell her at 4AM, etc). Nothing wrong with asking, but don't make baseless accusations.

    Nostregar on
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    PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Honesty is the best policy with regards to sex. You don't have to tell her you have no sexual experience, but it would show a vulnerability and a good place for your discussions. If you want this to be a long term thing, talking about turn ons and turn off and whats good and what isn't so good; is healthy and will be a good building block for your relationship.

    Preacher on
    I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.

    pleasepaypreacher.net
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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Eh, I wouldn't advertise your inexperience. Don't let it be an issue (it probably isn't). As for other guys, there will always be exes. If you want to know about them, just ask, "So what kind of guys have you dated in the past"? type thing, but don't obsess over it. No one likes to feel like they're being interrogated.

    Just understand she's with you right now, and don't worry about what experience she's had/or hasn't had.

    RocketSauce on
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    DjiemDjiem Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    You could tell her if she brings it up, as I don't advocate lying, but I don't see the need to tell her if she doesn't ask.

    Djiem on
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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Eh, I wouldn't advertise your inexperience. Don't let it be an issue (it probably isn't).

    Right.

    Instead of saying, "I'm inexperienced," ask her, "Is there anything I could be doing better for you in bed?"

    What you've done (or haven't done) in the past is not nearly as important as what you're doing in the present.

    Same goes for you. Now's your chance to get some experience. If there's something you want to experiment with, ask her if she'd be interested in it. Just because she's had other boyfriends doesn't mean she's done everything she's ever wanted to do.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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    CooterTKECooterTKE Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I used to drunk text friends from college all the time at random hours of the morning so she could be telling the truth that they are just from friends.

    CooterTKE on
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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Like others have said, don't bother bringing up the texting thing unless you have good reason to believe something else is going on. Does she still see the ex? Talk about the ex? If not, no biggie.

    Same with the sex - unless there's a problem (which it sounds like there isn't), no reason to bring it up. If you wanna try new stuff, just ask. Even the most experienced couple should try new things with each other whenever they can.

    It sounds to me like you're just insecure about yourself and need some way to make yourself feel better. But you guys are only a month in and it sounds like things are fine so far, so just relax and have fun with what you've got.

    Houk the Namebringer on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The texts are probably just from friends. I get texts late at night, generally because one of my friends wanted to tell me about how wasted they are. Different social circles just have different etiquette about how late is too late for communication.

    About the inexperience: personally, I'd want to know if I was a guy's first. If I didn't know and then somehow found out later, I'd be hurt that he didn't tell me to begin with. It's not like she's going to decide that your really good sex was actually awful just because she popped your cherry, you know? You want to be in a relationship, get used to telling each other much more personal things than "Oh, hey, remember that night we rocked each other's worlds? That was a great intro to sex. Want a refresher? :winky:

    Trowizilla on
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    gtrmpgtrmp Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    What you've done (or haven't done) in the past is not nearly as important as what you're doing in the present.

    Exactly. It doesn't really matter what other girls you've dated have liked (or have claimed to have liked); no two people are exactly the same when it comes to sex, or dating, or anything else. The only way to know what does or doesn't work for the two of you is to keep an open line of communication with her - and yes, that does mean telling her, in some form, how inexperienced you were.

    gtrmp on
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    alienfirstalienfirst Washington StateRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    A couple other people have said the same things... Having an open line of communication in the bedroom is WONDERFUL. You don't have to come out and say you're inexperienced, maybe just ask her if you can do something more, or something different, maybe adding after that that you don't have much first hand knowledge in the area. But really, if the sex is great now, who cares about the past?

    Unless you honestly, rationally think that there is a reason for you to be suspicious about her and her ex, don't go there. If she wants to share, she will. You could always ask about her friends from where she used to live, maybe stuff they did that you could possibly do for her. If you want information, do it in a way that you learn more about HER and not necessarily snooping about her friends.

    alienfirst on
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    FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    You're thinking about it wrong.

    Dont focus on how you are or aren't pleasing her and instead - think about how much fun its going to be learning.

    Just be open man. If she likes you - she's not going to care and might even like that fact?

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    EupfhoriaEupfhoria Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Yeah, that's pretty much what my gut feeling was (not bringing it up unless she asked, and she hasn't)

    And we actually do talk about sex very openly, to an extent which suprises myself at how easy it feels for me, considering how pretty much everything is new for me.

    I guess I'm a fast learner
    :winky:

    edit to add: really, what my concern was with telling her about my lack of experience was that she might be put off by it, and maybe think that my feelings for her are more because she's the first girl I've had sex with, and not because I'm so attracted to her (which is definitely NOT the case)

    Eupfhoria on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I was in the exact same boat as you with my first girlfriend she was experienced and she was my first, the decision as to whether or not to tell her or not was taken out of my hands when a mutual friend told her. It wasn't really a problem she said I was good and it was sweet she was my first. Point being if your worried she'll get freaked and dump you if you say something its unlikely.

    Casual on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Eupfhoria wrote: »
    edit to add: really, what my concern was with telling her about my lack of experience was that she might be put off by it, and maybe think that my feelings for her are more because she's the first girl I've had sex with, and not because I'm so attracted to her (which is definitely NOT the case)

    It'd be really, really weird if she reacted that way. That whole "marry the first girl you sleep with" is a funny joke, not something that most people think really happens.

    Again, personally, I'd prefer honesty, especially over something like that. Besides, if you tell her now, it'll just be another new thing she's learning about you, but if you wait and she finds out years later, she might react badly to you "keeping it a secret" or hiding it from her.

    Trowizilla on
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    hippofanthippofant ティンク Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Note that if she's 22 and been in a monogamous long-term relationship for almost 7 years, her experience is limited to just one male, meaning there's not really an experience difference at all. One person is hardly a decent sample. So if your issue is the difference in relationship experience you perceive between the two of you, I'd say that's entirely illusion and you would do well not to be afraid to take the initiative in your relationship.

    hippofant on
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