Should I be offended?

YourFatAuntSusan

So, long story short, a really good friend I've known for 15 years just moved to another province (from Nova Scotia to Ontario) and didn't even have the decency or respect to tell me when he was leaving. I knew he was going at some point but had no idea of the specific date. Well, I just ran into his sister and discovered that he left last week. No phone call, no visit, no goodbye.

Personally, I'm pretty fucking pissed because it shows a serious lack of respect on his part and I really don't know if that's something I'd ever be able to forgive.

Help me H&A, should I be offended by this?

Alpine

Sure. Or not.

He must have had a reason.

RUNN1NGMAN

Maybe you're not at close as you thought? People grow apart, it just happens. If you didn't even know the specific date that he was moving, that's a pretty good indication that you weren't that close with each other any more.

It doesn't have anything to do with respect--maybe he just figured you guys weren't really great friends any more. Either way, being pissed about it isn't really going to help anything. If you miss him, give him a call and say that you heard he had moved, and you were surprised that he didn't tell you he was leaving. Don't be a dick about it though, because you have no idea what's going on in his head. If your friendship's shaky with him, calling him all pissed off isn't going to help things.

It's understandable to be a little hurt that you weren't as close with him any more as you thought, but it has nothing to do with lack of respect on his part. If you guys have been growing apart for a while and you just didn't notice, then you can't really hold that against him. I'm pretty comfortable saying you guys have been growing apart, because you didn't even know when he was leaving--if you were close, you would have asked him at some point, right?

Cauld

I don't think you should be offended. Anytime you can ask the question "should I be offended?" you shouldn't be. What's it accomplish. Just accept what happened, etc. If you want give him a call, wish him well, and ask why he didn't let you know.

Sarcastro

Moves suck- theres a ton of shit flying around, and when you're own your own your brain is filled by all the things you ordinarily dont have to.

Where will I sleep today? Are there going to be bugs? Should I bring this half reading light that flickers everytime I walk by it because I had it in high school and those were good times even though it is a total piece of shit? Holy shit my mom has called nineteen times this morning what the fuck. Where is John, is he going to meet up there? Where am I going to eat? What am I going to eat? Can I afford that? Did i bring Eggy? I'm too old to beleive that he be lonely without me, but I think i will bring him as decor. Day-core... ya thats the ticket.

Don't be so hard on the guy, moving is second only to the death of a family member in terms of stress. If he forgot, he forgot. But likely he didn't even think about it, and will call you up after he misses the usual hangout. Or you can call him up in a few days. Give him the gears a little maybe, but let it go- it would only be natural for the guy to have a lot on his mind right now.

YourFatAuntSusan

We didn't really grow apart, that's the thing. He was still a good friend and i knew he was moving but I didn't know when. We would generally go a couple weeks without really talking or stopping by at each others place simply because he works a lot and I work a lot.

He had told me that "he'd come by and we'd do something" before he left. It's a pretty serious move, I probably won't see the guy for a long time as i'm also moving out of province once I finish Canadian Forces basic. He knew that.

Ah well.

Thanks H&A

acidlacedpenguin

sounds like the premise of one of those feel-good teen comedies where "x happened and person y went across the country. Better round up the druggie, the nerd, the bully, and the exotic yet sympathetic hot girl and road trip across the country to tell person y your feelings."

Do it or not, but you should try and sell this to national lampoon's, they seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel lately :P

onceling

I did this to someone because they were so caught up in their new girlfriend they kept blowing me off when I tried to hang out with them and were so distracted they never even asked me when I was leaving or showed any interest. They were pretty pissed off at me but I think it was a reasonable thing to do still and would do it again.

Not saying this is your case, just saying that there's usually a reason, either on your end or his end that this kind of thing happens.

Lerage

Maybe it's the cuter reason - that he just didn't want you guys to have a final time hanging round together, feeling all sad, knowing he's moving, pretending to be happy while holding back the tears - well, perhaps not that far, but you know what I mean.

Belruel

onceling wrote: »

I did this to someone because they were so caught up in their new girlfriend they kept blowing me off when I tried to hang out with them and were so distracted they never even asked me when I was leaving or showed any interest. They were pretty pissed off at me but I think it was a reasonable thing to do still and would do it again.

Not saying this is your case, just saying that there's usually a reason, either on your end or his end that this kind of thing happens.

this sounds rather junior high to me.

to the op- i would be upset, but it is most likely not worth getting really mad over.

eternalbl

You could be offended because of the principle of the whole thing, or you could let it go because 'the principle' is usually just inuendo for being a righteous prick for a bullshit reason.

Quid

Lerage wrote: »

Maybe it's the cuter reason - that he just didn't want you guys to have a final time hanging round together, feeling all sad, knowing he's moving, pretending to be happy while holding back the tears - well, perhaps not that far, but you know what I mean.

This seems more likely. Some people want to avoid saying good bye.

k-maps

Sarcastro has got it right on the money. When I had to move I had all the telling signs of a suicidal person. I started handing out all my belongings to people(not out of magnanimity but because they lost all meaning for me) and became so introspective/oblivious to the world around me that I didn't have room for any sort of closure ritual. So I would give the benefit of the doubt to your friend. There might be extenuating circumstances you might not be aware of(such as having to leave on short notice earlier than he thought). Contact him, if he is excited to hear from you then he'll probably have some compelling argument as to why he didn't mention anything. If not, then maybe you weren't as close as you thought. Either way there isn't much to be offended about.

Ruckus

Cauld wrote: »

I don't think you should be offended. Anytime you can ask the question "should I be offended?" you shouldn't be. What's it accomplish. Just accept what happened, etc. If you want give him a call, wish him well, and ask why he didn't let you know.

You were doing pretty good there, but don't bother asking him why.

Grizzled

I'm moving on Monday.

I am freaking out pretty hard, as described by several people above.

All my friends know that I am gone sometime before the end of September and that's about as much effort as I have put into that. I hung out with two buddies the other night and played some Soul Calibur, but that's it.

Cut your friend some slack, give him a call in a week or two and say what's up.

Shogun

Everyone is posting about how stressful moving is. I'm in the process of trying to move out myself for the first time and I have to say this thread is making me incredibly nervous.

However OP I agree that you should not be offended, at least until you make contact with said friend and get more details. As you do not know the specifics of this person's situation concerning his move it would be brash to be offended. At least until you get the full story.

Stupid Mr Whoopsie Name

I've moved like six times in the past 2 years, and whole heartily agree with Sarcastro. To the OP: Chances are, you're making his move more about you than you really ought to.

Cut the dude the some slack before you start making melodramatic comments like "I really don't know if that's something I'd ever be able to forgive." He's moving into a new chapter of his life, not murdering your lover and stranding you on a desert planet.

Dulcius_ex_asperis

If I were you I wouldn't be offended. in my experience, I know people who like to make a huge deal over goodbyes (one of my good friends is leaving in a couple of days, for instance, and he is dragging it out as much as possible) and other people like to leave quickly and get it over with and aren't too into "official" goodbyes. Maybe he's the second type. I know I am.

CooterTKE

Honetsly i am the type to just leave with out saying anything so do not take it as he does not respect you.