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3rd Straight B-Day Alone? Going for a record
BlackbeardonGuitar
regular
regular
I'm an only child (Grew up in the country kind've not close to many kids my age)
Not close with my Mom=Alcoholic and Schizophrenia
Not Close with my Dad=Alcoholic+Workaholic (12 hour work days even though he's financially well off)
I think of myself as Intelligent (Usually top 1% in any kind of tests like ACT/SAT what have you)
Athletic (Ran varsity track in a metro city school with a graduating class of 700)
I like music (DJed at College Radio, Writer music reviews)
Like Film (Haven't gone to school for it but have been invovled in minor ways and have been to festivals as well as try to watch anything be it good or bad)
I dig sports and will play almost all the big ones (Play Ultimate twice a week and basketball when I can)
But I don't have any good true friends
The "friends" I have now I don't have much in common with. They don't like basketball, they're not that athletic and they are very insular and don't like meeting people outside their group. They are generally bad for me. Usually they decide they like to do everything I like doing about a year or 2 after I've been doing if for years and they've been ignoring all my offers to take them with me (like music shows or decent restaraunts or free city festivals). They also don't call me. I get maybe 1-2 phone calls a month. Sometimes when I call them they don't get back to me.
Other vague friends I have are either in the Air Force or other states and am not that close with anymore.
I didn't do as good as I should have in high school/college due to trying to manage my parents and the anxiety put on me by them (Trying to make sure someone would take care of the dog while one or the other was out of town because they weren't big enough adults to handle it themselves is just one example, I also took care of myself throughout high school because my date was dating and I couldn't live with my mom due to her problems and abuse). So now I find it hard for me to get a job with a degree I never particularly wanted having spent time at a school I went too because I was pressured into. All I wanted was to make things better after high school but it didn't hapen.
So now I find myself 7 years after spending my first birthday alone in high school having an upcoming b-day with no one I particularly want to do anything with and it's not a good feeling. I can't really fathom the life I'm living now. I don't have any substance abuse problems and I've been seeing a psychologist about once a month for 1-2 years. But I can't seem to get out of this nearly lifelong rut.
Not close with my Mom=Alcoholic and Schizophrenia
Not Close with my Dad=Alcoholic+Workaholic (12 hour work days even though he's financially well off)
I think of myself as Intelligent (Usually top 1% in any kind of tests like ACT/SAT what have you)
Athletic (Ran varsity track in a metro city school with a graduating class of 700)
I like music (DJed at College Radio, Writer music reviews)
Like Film (Haven't gone to school for it but have been invovled in minor ways and have been to festivals as well as try to watch anything be it good or bad)
I dig sports and will play almost all the big ones (Play Ultimate twice a week and basketball when I can)
But I don't have any good true friends
The "friends" I have now I don't have much in common with. They don't like basketball, they're not that athletic and they are very insular and don't like meeting people outside their group. They are generally bad for me. Usually they decide they like to do everything I like doing about a year or 2 after I've been doing if for years and they've been ignoring all my offers to take them with me (like music shows or decent restaraunts or free city festivals). They also don't call me. I get maybe 1-2 phone calls a month. Sometimes when I call them they don't get back to me.
Other vague friends I have are either in the Air Force or other states and am not that close with anymore.
I didn't do as good as I should have in high school/college due to trying to manage my parents and the anxiety put on me by them (Trying to make sure someone would take care of the dog while one or the other was out of town because they weren't big enough adults to handle it themselves is just one example, I also took care of myself throughout high school because my date was dating and I couldn't live with my mom due to her problems and abuse). So now I find it hard for me to get a job with a degree I never particularly wanted having spent time at a school I went too because I was pressured into. All I wanted was to make things better after high school but it didn't hapen.
So now I find myself 7 years after spending my first birthday alone in high school having an upcoming b-day with no one I particularly want to do anything with and it's not a good feeling. I can't really fathom the life I'm living now. I don't have any substance abuse problems and I've been seeing a psychologist about once a month for 1-2 years. But I can't seem to get out of this nearly lifelong rut.
BlackbeardonGuitar on
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Do you prefer time alone? Do you loathe all the maintenance and effort a friendship brings? I'm assuming yes, since you choose to be friends with people you can't relate to, who don't call you often or who have to move far away from you. It's not their fault. It's not yours either. You're just might not be the kind of dude who is gonna have close friends.
I'm like that too man, I tend to prefer being alone than with people. And for the most part I really don't mind. Thing is though, I also know that it's my fault if I didn't have anyone to hang out on a Friday out.
So I don't know if there's anything you can do about this coming B-day, other than decide to try to make some friends so it dosn't happen again next year.
The people I play frisbee with are similar, its a really diverse group and I've tried hanging out with them but I don't have much in common. I don't loathe maintaining friendships at all. I think I usually put in more time and effort than anyone I would call a friend. I'm frequently willing to drive to a friends place or to make things easier for other people. I try to make things easy for people. However I don't comform my interests and preferences for other people. I don't know is that a problem.
If you're happy or very easy going, then I'm guessing its not as important.
You mentioned that you are into film , have you considered taking a local seminar or something that studies a filmmaker (e.g. Lynch or Hitchcock) ? You might be able to find people you intellectually connect with.
edit: Im not sure if it helps at all to know you're not alone. But I have had the lonely birthdays for a while now and ended up (and still am) doing the college thing without getting much out of it.
As NotYou said, having the same interests shouldn't be necessary. Yeah, it helps to have something to do together, but really it just helps t have friends that are open to trying things. If these chaps aren't putting in much effort to hang out (which it doesn't sound like, if they don't call much), then there's probably not a lot of chemistry going on between you and them. That doesn't mean that you can't have fun with them and all that, but don't put too much extra into them. What activities, if any, do you all enjoy together? Is calling them up for dinner, a boardgame, skinny dipping, clubbing, bike ride, etc feasible in any way?
If you really have no common grounds, or it's always unavoidably awkward, then you just gotta keep looking. Usually, the best way to meet people aside from pure chance is through friends and events. Even if your current friends don't exactly thrill you, it could still be worth your time to keep up with what they're doing, use them to find socials and whatnot. Basically, you're not going to find anything unless you try, and this is one of the best options. Going to things alone can also be an instigation to meet others, so that's an option as well. With that said, though, finding people you're really close and comfortable with is pretty rare, so don't worry if you don't get any results quickly.
Here's another thought: if you really want somebody to do something with, are there any love interests you could try and set something up with for your day? I'm not talking big and romantic necessarily, maybe just a nice walk along the river or tagging abandoned warehouses. Sounds like you're in need of a nice evening and some attention, and nothing does that better than a cozy one-on-one.
dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
There's a saying that I find is usually true. If it seems like everyone around you has a problem, the problem is probably you. I'm not trying to say something negative about you, I just mean that it's unlikely that with all the activities you do, that everyone involved gives you the cold shoulder because you have other interests. I know a lot of people that have a whole bunch of interests. In fact, I think everyone I know is interested in all kinds of shit. I mean, really, do you think you're the only person who likes sports and music? I think if you threw a rock into a sports stadium, you'd have a hard time not hitting someone who loves music.
Well first off no. My point is for me it's part of my last 2 jobs and what I know. Everyone likes music with some exceptions, but for me its different. Let me put this out there. When I started at the radio station I was always just trying to meet the the new people there, I can't say I wasn't ever a little shy or not sure who everyone was but I tried to put myself out there and talk to people. But I know I didn't fit in there in a lot of ways because I was pretty young and maybe I've changed so I'd be more accepted now but there were a lot of ways I was different from almost everyone else at the station and more than not I wasn't respected for alot of those things. I haven't found a lot of people accepting of trying and doing different things.
dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
Well, they're out there. Meanwhile, why not hang out with people doing the things that they're interested in? Again, you can hang out with people sometimes and have fun without them being your hetero life mate. Stop worrying about what happened at that radio station. It's over, move on.
Then I realised I had nothing in common with them anyway, so I asked myself why I cared. And it was because I didn't have many friends who I did connect with. So I made a conscious effort to get out of the house as much as possible, I invited what friends I did have around to my house - and invited them to bring friends - and just generally attempted to be more sociable.
Now I've got more good friends than I've had my whole life.
And, this might sound harsh or something, but if the people you really want to connect with think that sandals are uncooth, stop fucking wearing them. Yeah, maybe they are shallow fucks, but is your comfort more important than your social life? You'd do very poorly in 17th Century England.
dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
It's like going on a date with a hot girl and not bothering to iron your shirt. Just do it.
To be honest, when I read your posts, you blame other people for this situation. And that just isn't likely to be true. Some people are going to dislike you or just not be interested in you, but if you find everyone to be lacking, then the problem is, I'm sorry to say, likely to be in yourself.
Can you tell us, and be honest:
(a) What do you want in a friend?
(b) What do you offer a friend?
I'm not saying this to be mean to you, but the answers to these questions might be telling.
So if you are standoffish at a party, they will think something like "I guess he doesn't like me all that much, next time I won't invite him, maybe he only came to avoid insulting me". They will generally *not* think something like "Ugh! Those shoes. And he really wasn't quite enough into late '80s grunge rock for my taste".
People like to feel liked. So say positive things. If you feel negative, try to hide it - so don't introduce your self with something like "Not many people turned up to this party, huh? I get that problem. Most days I'm alone, since my cat died. She was a burmese. Knocked over by a car, driver didn't even stop. Only 2 years old." even if it is true, because people don't want to hang around a person who makes them feel down. Really good friends will tolerate negativity because you've built up trust that you are not always like that. Say something like "Great apartment, really spacious. Hey, your cat's cute. Reminds me of my old burmese, Fluffy. Did you catch the game last night?"
This. And the rest of the post too.
When talking to people you don't know very well, be positive. A friend told me this as advice for talking to girls, but really it applies while talking to anyone - "Pretend that whatever you're doing is the best thing ever and wherever you are is the coolest place to be."
This'll probably work only if you feel comfortable interacting in this way. If you feel uncomfortable, then you're most likely going to come off as inauthentic. An ingratiating spaz, maybe.
People interact differently and, by the way you described your upbringing, you might not be the most outwardly social dude. Or, at least you might not be innately good at social interactions... especially when meeting people for the first time. Just find your comfortable spot and people are gonna see you as an authentic person. It's ok to be the quiet guy, if that's how you feel comfortable. And, it's ok to only have one close friend or just to have a group of acquaintances. As long as you know and understand yourself. But, please don't ingratiate yourself onto others simply because you feel you're supposed to.
Absolutely. It's also good to actively work at finding positive thoughts to have, and to work on reframing your thoughts in a more positive way.
For example, if you go to a party and only five people show up, it's a lot better to think and say "Wow, this is cool, I love smaller groups," than "This sucks, nobody came." One tells your host that you're disappointed and not having a good time, the other says that you're having fun and are glad you came. It should be obvious which one is more likely to get you invited back.