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Woman thread (wall of text, I'm not even kidding)
ManWithAMillionProblems
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Well the time has come. After 2 ½ solid days of arguing my wife and I agreed that we cannot live together. We have also agreed that I should be the one to move. I have a lot to prepare (getting my name off of the lease, buying a cheap car, moving, etc) all of which I can handle just fine. It’s the emotional rollercoaster that I can’t. I think it would be prudent of me to tell you all how this all came about.
When we first met our relationship hit a little bit of a rough start because I was scared to be a dad to her son at 19. Literally right after I decided to voice my fears I came to the conclusion that this was the woman I wanted to be with. We dated; I learned how to be a father and everything was pretty good. All throughout my interactions with her (we worked together) I noticed that she had a temper and had a hard time controlling it; she wasn’t violent or anything, it just didn’t take much to piss her off. I really didn’t give much weight to this observation, I just kind of shrugged it off and continued hanging around her (nobody has yet accused me of making smart decisions). As I began to get to know her more I found out where these feelings were stemming from. Her ex boyfriend/ her son’s father was physically abusive to her. She still had/has a lot of pent up feelings about what had happened to her. I actually got the chance to confront this asshole one night in the parking lot of where we worked. Her ex had been calling constantly, leaving cards, and stalking her. Her and I would have this routine where we would stand around our cars and talk for a couple hours after work about whatever. Since we did this every night her ex must have been watching us, because he thought it prudent to bring a friend of his to “occupy†me while he got a chance to talk to her. Things kind of went downhill from there. I got into it with both of them (verbally) and we went face to face to see who would back down first (he did lol) and just before things went physical the police showed up (thank God, because there was no way I could take on 2 people by myself).
After that she left me, because she didn’t want to get me involved in her past (very noble when I look back on it). Well our feelings for each other were stronger then the decrees that she had made and we decided to give dating another try. We dated another 2 years before deciding to get married. We decided to move into our apartment the day after our wedding instead of going on a honeymoon. After about a year of marriage we decided to have another child. The pregnancy was ectopic and she had to get a chemo shot to kill the fetus because it was living on her liver enzymes and would cause her it to fail. That was a huge blow to both of us; we tried to go on ‘business as usual’ the best that we could but the stress came back to her. She wouldn’t leave the house alone, lost her job, and also had to use all the savings we had prior to moving out to keep up with our astronomically high bills. She had gotten PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder) and had to see a psychologist regularly and was put on medication.
While this was going on, it was an incredible strain on our marriage. We were completely out of money; bill collectors were calling on a regular basis, we had no food, it still hasn’t got much better; I still have to skip meals so that the family can have enough to eat. Living a life of poverty turned me bitter for a while. I hated everyone around me because all they would talk about is the wonderful things that they bought, etc, etc, etc. Eventually she got her job back and we tried to bounce back financially. Instead of following the plan that I had taken hours creating she decided she wanted another kid; right now. I firmly said no, no, no, but at the time she told me about wanting another kid she had already been going to a fertility clinic and getting tests done. After what had happened before and the painful tests that she was going through (I feel for any woman who has their insides biopsied) I reversed my position and gave in. We had a baby boy about 6 months ago. Financially things have been unbearable, I have been back to fasting so that they can eat. I will constantly try to lay down a budget for both of us to follow. I pay for ‘x’ you pay for ‘y’. It never happens, I follow it she doesn’t. I ask that she make some sacrifices (to a lesser degree then I do). She then tells me that she shouldn’t have to and the money situation isn’t as bad as I make it out to be. It just goes back and forth from here. I think then rather continue this wall of text maybe I should try a more linear approach or our problems:
1. Finances: I have gone to being a complete video game junky buying one a week to not buying myself anything entertainment wise for almost 2 years. I have to starve myself so the rest of them can eat; I recently quit smoking to save even more money (at this I am failing miserably because she decided to continue instead of offer moral support).
2. Attitude: She has very little patience for people in temporary positions of weakness. A prime example was when my uncle/godfather (same person) whom I was very close to died suddenly of brain cancer her response was to “get over it.†She told me this the same day I found out. I mentioned above her temper. Every time she sees a woman being mistreated (thank you lifetime you bastards) she will literally get mad at me for it. Yes, I’ll say it again she will get mad at me for other men mistreating women, “because all men are the same!†Even though this is a useless argument I still give in and will argue about this with her about stereotyping, not all men are the same, etc, etc.
3. Duties: She has me here, I don’t help out around the house as much as I should, but I feel like I do a lot. I cook every meal eaten by the family, do the dishes, take care of the kids every day when she is at work (we work opposite shifts to save money on babysitting), work a tough job, and sometimes manage to get some school work done. Plus I’ll admit I’m a little depressed; I have no social life, the only source of entertainment that I have is the internet (no TV, only a few video games left from when were in trouble and I had to sell them), I feel like one day is just a repeat of the next and I’m not going anywhere. If the time ever comes where I do have any sort of extra money, I spend it on them, as I am sure living a life of modern day destitution has its tolls on them as it does me.
4. Family: This is my biggest gripe that I have with her. I have to go over her mother’s at least once every week; most of the time it’s twice. She has been to my mother’s house since Christmas. I go over by myself and I everyone asks where my wife is. I usually make up some excuse like she sick etc. The sheer unfairness of this angers me. Why do I have to see her family on a weekly, sometimes semiweekly basis and she can’t even come to my mother’s semi annually. Every time I bring this up it turns into a huge argument.
5. Sex Life: I am not a very sexual person. I am fine with once a week. She wants at least once a day and says that I don’t desire her yadda yadda yadda. I say that’s not true and that I’m also a little depressed about our current living situation and I don’t really feel like doing anything as much as you do.
6. Other People: I’ll admit that I used to be extremely jealous. I have since noticed and corrected that part of my personality. A situation recently arose where my conscious omission of my jealous nature to the test. My wife drives this person home from work once or twice a week. She had told this person about our problems and this person suggested that they have sex. She said she was tempted, refused, came home then told me everything that happened. I noticed that they were friends via myspace as well (he also left messages on her page saying that “shes mineâ€). I made a suggestion that she should remove him from the friend list, then I said that the decision was hers and I would not force anything on her. She removed this person and that was that. Well she stays logged in and I happen to notice the same person that she deleted a week ago. I brought this up calmly and said that I don’t feel comfortable with you being friends with him. Her response was “Oh well, he kept friend requesting me! What was I supposed to do?!? Your just going to have to learn to get over it.â€
So here is my dilemma: I can give into my emotions and let this cycle continue and try to stay together for the kids, apologize, get back together as I have done 10,000 times before? Or I can keep this going and abandon my family (I feel that I would be abandoning them because I have the power to change the current course; even if its just to delay the inevitable for a little bit longer). I have to admit that potentially having control of my life again is a little exciting, but I still am obligated to keep my family together no matter what and if I don’t it’s just another thing that I’ve failed at in my life.
When we first met our relationship hit a little bit of a rough start because I was scared to be a dad to her son at 19. Literally right after I decided to voice my fears I came to the conclusion that this was the woman I wanted to be with. We dated; I learned how to be a father and everything was pretty good. All throughout my interactions with her (we worked together) I noticed that she had a temper and had a hard time controlling it; she wasn’t violent or anything, it just didn’t take much to piss her off. I really didn’t give much weight to this observation, I just kind of shrugged it off and continued hanging around her (nobody has yet accused me of making smart decisions). As I began to get to know her more I found out where these feelings were stemming from. Her ex boyfriend/ her son’s father was physically abusive to her. She still had/has a lot of pent up feelings about what had happened to her. I actually got the chance to confront this asshole one night in the parking lot of where we worked. Her ex had been calling constantly, leaving cards, and stalking her. Her and I would have this routine where we would stand around our cars and talk for a couple hours after work about whatever. Since we did this every night her ex must have been watching us, because he thought it prudent to bring a friend of his to “occupy†me while he got a chance to talk to her. Things kind of went downhill from there. I got into it with both of them (verbally) and we went face to face to see who would back down first (he did lol) and just before things went physical the police showed up (thank God, because there was no way I could take on 2 people by myself).
After that she left me, because she didn’t want to get me involved in her past (very noble when I look back on it). Well our feelings for each other were stronger then the decrees that she had made and we decided to give dating another try. We dated another 2 years before deciding to get married. We decided to move into our apartment the day after our wedding instead of going on a honeymoon. After about a year of marriage we decided to have another child. The pregnancy was ectopic and she had to get a chemo shot to kill the fetus because it was living on her liver enzymes and would cause her it to fail. That was a huge blow to both of us; we tried to go on ‘business as usual’ the best that we could but the stress came back to her. She wouldn’t leave the house alone, lost her job, and also had to use all the savings we had prior to moving out to keep up with our astronomically high bills. She had gotten PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder) and had to see a psychologist regularly and was put on medication.
While this was going on, it was an incredible strain on our marriage. We were completely out of money; bill collectors were calling on a regular basis, we had no food, it still hasn’t got much better; I still have to skip meals so that the family can have enough to eat. Living a life of poverty turned me bitter for a while. I hated everyone around me because all they would talk about is the wonderful things that they bought, etc, etc, etc. Eventually she got her job back and we tried to bounce back financially. Instead of following the plan that I had taken hours creating she decided she wanted another kid; right now. I firmly said no, no, no, but at the time she told me about wanting another kid she had already been going to a fertility clinic and getting tests done. After what had happened before and the painful tests that she was going through (I feel for any woman who has their insides biopsied) I reversed my position and gave in. We had a baby boy about 6 months ago. Financially things have been unbearable, I have been back to fasting so that they can eat. I will constantly try to lay down a budget for both of us to follow. I pay for ‘x’ you pay for ‘y’. It never happens, I follow it she doesn’t. I ask that she make some sacrifices (to a lesser degree then I do). She then tells me that she shouldn’t have to and the money situation isn’t as bad as I make it out to be. It just goes back and forth from here. I think then rather continue this wall of text maybe I should try a more linear approach or our problems:
1. Finances: I have gone to being a complete video game junky buying one a week to not buying myself anything entertainment wise for almost 2 years. I have to starve myself so the rest of them can eat; I recently quit smoking to save even more money (at this I am failing miserably because she decided to continue instead of offer moral support).
2. Attitude: She has very little patience for people in temporary positions of weakness. A prime example was when my uncle/godfather (same person) whom I was very close to died suddenly of brain cancer her response was to “get over it.†She told me this the same day I found out. I mentioned above her temper. Every time she sees a woman being mistreated (thank you lifetime you bastards) she will literally get mad at me for it. Yes, I’ll say it again she will get mad at me for other men mistreating women, “because all men are the same!†Even though this is a useless argument I still give in and will argue about this with her about stereotyping, not all men are the same, etc, etc.
3. Duties: She has me here, I don’t help out around the house as much as I should, but I feel like I do a lot. I cook every meal eaten by the family, do the dishes, take care of the kids every day when she is at work (we work opposite shifts to save money on babysitting), work a tough job, and sometimes manage to get some school work done. Plus I’ll admit I’m a little depressed; I have no social life, the only source of entertainment that I have is the internet (no TV, only a few video games left from when were in trouble and I had to sell them), I feel like one day is just a repeat of the next and I’m not going anywhere. If the time ever comes where I do have any sort of extra money, I spend it on them, as I am sure living a life of modern day destitution has its tolls on them as it does me.
4. Family: This is my biggest gripe that I have with her. I have to go over her mother’s at least once every week; most of the time it’s twice. She has been to my mother’s house since Christmas. I go over by myself and I everyone asks where my wife is. I usually make up some excuse like she sick etc. The sheer unfairness of this angers me. Why do I have to see her family on a weekly, sometimes semiweekly basis and she can’t even come to my mother’s semi annually. Every time I bring this up it turns into a huge argument.
5. Sex Life: I am not a very sexual person. I am fine with once a week. She wants at least once a day and says that I don’t desire her yadda yadda yadda. I say that’s not true and that I’m also a little depressed about our current living situation and I don’t really feel like doing anything as much as you do.
6. Other People: I’ll admit that I used to be extremely jealous. I have since noticed and corrected that part of my personality. A situation recently arose where my conscious omission of my jealous nature to the test. My wife drives this person home from work once or twice a week. She had told this person about our problems and this person suggested that they have sex. She said she was tempted, refused, came home then told me everything that happened. I noticed that they were friends via myspace as well (he also left messages on her page saying that “shes mineâ€). I made a suggestion that she should remove him from the friend list, then I said that the decision was hers and I would not force anything on her. She removed this person and that was that. Well she stays logged in and I happen to notice the same person that she deleted a week ago. I brought this up calmly and said that I don’t feel comfortable with you being friends with him. Her response was “Oh well, he kept friend requesting me! What was I supposed to do?!? Your just going to have to learn to get over it.â€
So here is my dilemma: I can give into my emotions and let this cycle continue and try to stay together for the kids, apologize, get back together as I have done 10,000 times before? Or I can keep this going and abandon my family (I feel that I would be abandoning them because I have the power to change the current course; even if its just to delay the inevitable for a little bit longer). I have to admit that potentially having control of my life again is a little exciting, but I still am obligated to keep my family together no matter what and if I don’t it’s just another thing that I’ve failed at in my life.
ManWithAMillionProblems on
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You both have Issues that've stuck you in a truly shitty, potentially endless cycle. If you're going to make this work, you both have to want to stick to years of couples and individual counseling. There are so many red flags on both your parts, I literally don't know where to start.
Whether you stay together or not - btw, staying in an unhealthy relationship "for the kids" is well-meaning but will backfire like an H-bomb having an orgasm - please talk to a professional, and encourage her to do the same.
Have faith that it will get better, and seek professional financial help and councelling. As supportive as we can be here on the forums, the happiness/livelyhood of too many people is at stake for anything but that.
And if she respected you, she would care more about your feelings than "get over it" when your relative dies, or you have issues. And friending someone on Myspace because "he keeps sending friend requests. what am I going to do?" Not accept them, that's what. She wouldn't talk to him, unless she wanted to. She wouldn't want to if she respected you.
Get out. It's for the best.
She sounds just like my ex. I wish I had cut my losses earlier than I had. I really truly do.
Get out. As Hobbit said, you can (and should) still be their dad. You can still do your best to be there for them. Get yourself and your life together, and you'll be much better able to help them out.
You're a saint for putting up with it.
Personally, my parents split when I was very young, then there was a big custody battle several years later when my father got a job thousands of miles away from my hometown. It was traumatic at points, especially the custody fight, but in the long run I think it worked out well. I've got two separate families that I'm close with, parent, step-parent, and multiple half-siblings, and on the whole it's pretty good.
My girlfriend's situation was the opposite. Her parents stayed together "for the kids". The home situation was hellishly cold and uncomfortable. It was obvious to the children that there was no love between the parents, and it was a pretty awkward way to grow up. During university, my girlfriend would avoid going home like it was cancer or something, she hated it that much. Now that her youngest sibling has left home, her parents have finally split up, and so it's only in the last few years that she's tentatively started to visit home again on anything approaching a frequent basis.
Looking at the two sets of experiences, I have no hesitation in saying that mine was by far the better deal of the two. If "for the kids" is your only reason for staying together, please, do your kids a favor and separate.
It's right to go, and it's the right time to go. Go.
Get out, and then sue for custody. A woman who allows her husband to starve himself so she can have money for cigarettes is going to do the same thing to her kids, and more. How healthy do you think it is for two little boys to grow up in a household where their mother blames them for their entire gender's abuses? If she doesn't care when you were grieving, how empathetic is she going to be when they're upset? This is not someone who should be caring for children.
Be the best father you can be. Leave.
disclaimer - I wish my parents had the guts to split up sooner. Not so much for me as for my younger siblings. The constant fighting and Dad leaving for days but then getting back together was hard, harder than a clean break would have been.
How much will a divorce cost, and can you afford it?
If youre living seperately your costs are certainly rising. Can you afford that?
Will your wife be able to support the kids on her own if she needs to? If she gets full custody.
Can you afford to support not only yourself but also your kids if you liveo n your own?
Would it be possible to live really close to your wife and kids so that you don't spend too long apart from your kids?
Will there be a custody battle? Will you win?
Perhaps delay a seperation until you're better off financially?
You dont need to answer any of those. Just thoughts I had.
It sounds like, ideally, the OP would go for custody of the kids, and then collect child support. Otherwise, he's sort of inviting disaster by handing over a large chunk of change every month to someone who obviously can't handle it properly.
That is an enormous challenge and responsibility, and theres no good way to go about it- one of the kids isn't even his, and yet he would in essence be filing for primary care over all of them. I don't know how this sort of thing would work itself out, but I can see enough to know that its going to be seven kinds of right fucked up, and fucked up + divorce + lawyer never equals anything less than a shiton of money thrown down a hole.
Is there any way you could set up counselling and/or arbitration?
From first glance, it looks like you'll probably have to take on more debt to get this thing sorted out, so that being the case, you might as well take on a bit more and get'er done right. That means debt counselling and legal counselling. Hell, might as well throw in a personal counsellour too, because with all this stress youre doing a great job of just staying sane. There are so many variables in this equation, thinking about all of them would drive anyone to tears.
I dunno if I can recommend anything specific, but you may just want to hit it up in order. Get your finances sorted out first. Make personal accounts, clear responsibilites for debt load, and if you have to, spend the money you make according to plan, as if her money didn't exist. You may need a credit counsellor or something to make a plan to get out of the hole.
After you have a clear understanding on what you can and cannot afford, assuming debts and assets are split, you can then decide how many of the kids you want/can handle under your roof, and what kind of fight your willing to put up with to do that.
One and one (I think from reading there are two in play), both, or none. In this case, do try and think of what would be best for the kids, and also realize that you have a legal responsibility now for the first child (in terms of post-divorce support), and that caring for both is a valid option. This is where the options get nasty, but sometimes things have to be done. Now is a good time to sort them, as someone said.
If you're not of the mind to care for any of them, keep in mind you'll always have some legal obligation there. So consider the welfare of the kids and go forward with whatever you decide. It is very unlikely that there will be an ideal situation, but the best option, now matter how difficult, is still the best option.
What kind of responsibilities you can take on, or be willing to take on, is no doubt going to be determined in part by availibilty and finances.
At any rate, it would probably be worth stopping by Social Services and seeing if you can get some pro advice on this, and find out for yourself what typically happens. You'll need some solid support to get anywhere in this situation, and I hope you can find it. All the best man, sounds rough.
Take care of the kids and look out for number one, you. Whether or not she is a part of this is up to her - if her behaviour doesn't improve (with counselling, obviously), she may not be fit to retain custody of the children.
Translation: you don't need to stay together just for the kids, do what my father did and find a place close by, preferably within walking distance.
Also, she sounds horrible. The "get over it" thing alone would send me into a burning raged matched only by the stellar furnaces in the heavens.
EDIT: I read the whole thing and just get the hell out. Sue for custody, you'll probably win.
It's not quite as easy as bailing as many people in this thread keep seeming to say and the reason why is simple: you have kids.
My first point would be that if you and your wife have to fight, take it where the kids can't see it. They are as yet likely too young to completely understand what is going on, but they still know that shouting = bad.
In a scenario where you get a divorce, it can be emotionally crippling to the kids because they are losing a parent, regardless of who has custody. By the same token, it can be a relief to the kids to see that their parents are no longer fighting. It comes down to which you think is more important.
But the key thing with a divorce is financial element. Sure you might have to pay child support if your wife gets the kids, but at the same time with a "deadbeat wife," so to speak, it probably won't be enough and you can bet she will come back asking for more. The kids will likely suffer due to her poor budgeting skills. Plus, getting the divorce costs. It really does.
If you can guarantee that you get custody of the kids and that you can afford the divorce, it is a path you can consider.
Another scenario is what happens if you stay with her. Now, she is unquestionably an emotionally crippling woman. She makes demands of you that are unreasonable, she is selfish, she is self-centered, she is self-involved. This makes for a poor wife and a poorer mother. The fact that you have to starve yourself so that they have enough to eat, the fact that she insisted on having another baby when there was no realistic way to afford one (while also refusing to keep to the budget), are all guarantees that staying with her will be tough. But, if you risk losing custody of your kids to her, that puts the kids alone in her care, and can you imagine what that will be like?
If you haven't already done this, get a friend or someone to look after the kids, then take her somewhere private and out of the house. Open up the books for her. Show her your financial situation. Then show her how much she spends versus how much you spend. Show her the numbers. Spell it out for her. Put the other shit aside (she's a bitch with the whole "see my mom all the time while I don't care about your family" bullshit, but that is purely secondary, you need to take care of your kids). Focus on money. Tell her that you don't eat, that you don't smoke, that you are unhappy because you are getting no help from her on the money. Then tell her to imagine what those numbers look like without your income or your budgeting ideas or your contribution.
Turn the page and then SHOW her what those numbers would look like.
It's an ugly situation and I'm sorry you have to go through it, but it sounds like she has these aspirations of what it means to be a wife with no real clue how to make it happen.
If you can, find a way to divorce her and keep the kids. It sucks, but you don't come first anymore, your kids do. Do whatever you can to keep the kids, because they're going to be unbelievably worse off without you.
If you don't think you'll get custody of the kids in the divorce, then find a way to freeze her assets. Take all her credit and debit cards. Hand her only cash on an allowance basis. Tell her that she's going to stick to the budget. You focus on taking care of your needs and those of the kids. If she spends the money on something she shouldn't have bought and doesn't get to eat, too bad for her.
If you do this fast enough your 6 month old probably won't have to deal with her psycoses. That is if you get full custody.
I do not envy you in the least in this situation. Go through counciling. Go through therapy. Get a Lawyer. Pick yourself up off the ground and get back to being the kind of person you want to be. (a kick ass Dad)
I got to see her for about 15 minutes before she had to go to work, and I asked if she still wanted to go through with everything and her response was "yes, because we can't live together". I just said ok and she left.
I see that a lot of you have called her parenting skills into question. Please let me assure you all that she has always been/ always will be a dedicated and great mother. She is always very involved with the kids and makes sure they are well taken care of.
I am probably going to move in with my mother so that I can save some money and pay off my debt. Seems like the best decision all around; I have young brothers (close to the age of my oldest son) so they would get along well.
So today I happened to make a comment that I plan to make final arrangements to move out. Then she replied with "no."
Then I came back with "why the sudden change of heart?" The entire time she was very evassive and then the time came that she had to go to work and she left. About half an hour ago she came home and I asked again about her change of heart. Sparing you guys the long story she said that she only wants to stay with me because she couldn't afford a place on her own. When asked about love she said that she loves me because she has a kid with me, but as for husband and wife love; she said there was nothing there.
So now what the hell am I going to do...? I can't abandon my family with my wife having no means to take care of them. I could get custody of the baby, but not the oldest since he is not mine. I couldn't split the kids up like that. She has me right where she wants me and she knows it. I think I'm screwed.
Listen, I know it sounds cold hearted, but it's really not your problem whether she has money or not. Hell, when I read this thread, I wondered why it was YOU that had to move out and not her. What are you suppose to do man, stay with her until one day she goes "I got money now, get out."
Get your stuff and move out and quickly as possible. Try to get custody of your child.
She is stupid with money and now she knows it so maybe she will be more susceptible to your budget plans.
As for the state of your relationship, I doubt that can be salvaged, you're in this purely for the kids. It's a rough situation, but you don't come first anymore.
His concerns about BOTH kids are legitimate. It sucks, but there it is.
Plus abandoning his wife is one thing, but abandoning the other kid is another question entirely.
1. You started dating a single mother at 19.
2. You ignored all the red flags that indicated that maybe everything wasn't right in happytown.
3. You married her anyway at 21.
4. You decided to have another child with her. Things didn't go well.
5. This exacerbated all the previous problems and, lacking the resources to deal with this anomaly, this screwed up your life together financially.
6. This, in turn, aggravated the problems further.
7. To help the situation, you decided to have another baby with her even though you couldn't afford the one you already had.
8. To your surprise, this has made your previous financial problems even worse and bound you to her further.
I hate to go all Susan Powter on you here, but you need to stop the madness. Good lord. I mean it's a little late now, but...wow.
Did you get a college degree? I'm guessing that you didn't based on the timing involved. This is going to seriously limit your options going forward. It may or may not be worth it to get one now; you're still fairly young and so it might make sense.
If you decide to separate/get divorced, you'll likely end up paying alimony and child support, which will be a substantial chunk of your income. The longer you stay married, the more alimony you'll likely be paying. Check your state laws. If you do decide you want to split up, see an attorney immediately.
If you decide you want to stay together, you're in for a world of work. You both need to start working on some of the core issues you've got going on here, because there are clearly a bunch of them on both sides. I'm not talking about the symptomatic stuff like who won't see the other person's parents often enough, I'm talking about the underlying causes. Look at the above list of decisions you made. Why were you making those decisions? Exactly what was it that led you down that path? Whatever that is, you need to work on that.
She apparently has quite a few issues too. The bad news for you is: you probably can't fix her. It's very hard to fix somebody that wants to be fixed, and nearly impossible to fix someone that doesn't. She may have deeply-rooted issues that are best addressed by years of therapy. Most people with issues like that never get them addressed, and they just develop and use terrible coping skills throughout their entire lives. Even if you could fix her, it would take years and she'd end up a different person at the end of it - one that may not even like you. You need to prepare yourself for all these possible eventualities. It is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with someone that is broken in some way, but it means establishing clear boundaries.
In order for hindsight to work you actually have to have your eyes open. You've put yourself at a serious disadvantage for the rest of your life and now if you want to have any hope of recovery, you're going to have to take proactive control of your life and start making some smart decisions, because you've basically run yourself right out of a margin for error.
First off, you need a realistic plan for your life and a set of goals. I'm glad you're in college. If you don't mind, it would be helpful to know what kind of college it is and what your eventual degree will be in. If you are not getting a degree that has a high probability of leading to a steady job with a steady, reasonable paycheck, you need to stop now and do something else. Right now, it matters if you're going to a community college, a vocational/trade school, or a four-year university. Ideally, you want to be going to a four-year university and majoring in something practical like Business, Finance, Engineering, something like that. Some trades would also be OK depending on what they are. If you are majoring in Art or English or IT or videogame design, you are absolutely wasting precious time and money you don't have.
Deciding on a plan isn't just sitting down and thinking real hard. You're going to need some actual data. You're going to need to do some research. You're going to have to start extrapolating where your life is going before you make decisions. You need to get some statistics on where people who get your degree go to work, what they're doing, and how much they make. You're going to need to get that information from somewhere reliable. For example, if you are going to a trade school, the counselors at your trade school are paid to bullshit you and tell you that the world will be sunshine and roses at the end. So you need some independent study here.
It would likely help to have some radical lifestyle changes. You need to get your cash flow into the black. You may need to move to a cheaper part of the country. You may need to move in with family, if they'll take you. You may need to get one roommate. Or four. You need to pay off any debt you have and not accrue any new debt. You need to be on an anorexic budget. I'm very sorry that you haven't been able to support your videogame habit, and I know it's not fair, but it's not like a meteor landed on your Xbox and your bank lost all your money. Your decisions led you here. Again, this is going to require work and short-term sacrifice, but instead of your life being an erratic downward spiral it will be a steady, slow climb.
Do you have any successful, mature adults in your life you can talk to about this? I'm talking about people that are older, have successful careers, and don't have the same problems you do. It would really help if somebody who knew you could help you get on the right path here. Usually these people try to help young folks like yourself avoid these major mistakes in life, but not everybody is fortunate enough to have the right people there at the right time. But if your parents and uncles and such are all screwups, they're not really people you want to rely on for advice. There's also the possibility that you actually have mature adults in your life and that you just ignored their advice thus far. If this is the case, start listening.
Things are not hopeless here but honestly this doesn't sound like a real good situation. Right now, there is no silver bullet for you. You're looking at a time horizon of many months before things get noticeably better, and years before they get comfortable. And just to get to "comfortable" you're going to have to work every day between now and then, twice or three times as hard as just about anybody else your age. I wouldn't count on any new videogames anytime soon.
Make an intelligent plan. Get smart and proactive about your life. Keep at it.
University of Phoenix is a vocational school, and that's a vocational degree. I honestly don't know what the value (and I mean value in real dollars here) of such a degree is, honestly because most other vocational professions don't have degrees. You don't get a degree in Car Mechanic or Electrician. Information Security is really just a slightly specialized offshoot of IT, and neither is an academic discipline. Until there is a recognized, relatively stable body of knowledge in a field, along with peer-reviewed journals and PhDs given out, that field is going to remain a vocation.
There are, however, many certifications that you can get, much like in other vocational professions. Unfortunately, these can also be expensive to get, and you want to maximize the additional dollars you make vs. the dollars you have to spend to get the certificate. Which certificates have the most value changes from time to time. I don't know whether it's better for you to finish the (expensive vocational) program you're in and get a (maybe less expensive vocational) certificate or certificates, but you need to find out.
Now I don't know about the value of various IT degrees and certifications because I'm not in IT and I don't have to. However, if you plan to go into IT, you need to get real smart on that. For example, what are the last 10-20 people who graduated from your program doing now? How much are they making? Did they go off and get additional certifications? What are you likely going to do when you graduate? Not in general, but I mean to the point where you can list 5-10 companies that are likely to hire someone with your background, along with the position you'll be applying for and the expected salary. If you don't know these things right now, you need to find out - like yesterday. These are the things you should have found out BEFORE going into the program, by the way.
As for adults to talk to, you need to find some and start building a network. Friends' parents who went to college, your teachers in your courses, people at a local professional organization, something like that. There are resources out there, believe it or not. Most successful people were formally or informally mentored in their youth, and so now many of them feel good about providing a little mentoring support to younger people as a way of "paying it forward," so it's not like an imposition. Take advantage of this.
Alternatively, you can tell her "No problem. If you can't afford anything, the kids can stay with me, but I am not a bank and I don't want to live this way anymore."
If you can scrape together some money, this is worth taking to a lawyer. Knowing the position you're in here, can your parents help you with this?
Why are you letting her control you?
Yes i know 'doin it for the kids' and stuff, but really the way she is clearly dominating you has nothing to do with your children
https://medium.com/@alascii
1. She is a crazy, horrible person who you DO NOT NEED TO BE WITH. She belittles you, abuses you, and blames you for your gender. This is not a person who will be changed without years of therapy and thats only if she WANTS to change - which is sounds like she doesn't.
2. TALK TO A LAWYER. Dear God, in a situation like this where kids are involved a lawyer will be your best friend. As I was told when going through my divorce (so I know where you're coming from), file first and file quick. This lets you set the terms of the divorce and forces her to retaliate.
3. Get custody of your kid and hers if you really want to, but this will be a significant impact in your life.
4. Move out and go to you're parents or a friends. DO NOT BE WITH HER. SHE IS USING YOU!
5. Once you have split, officially and non-officially, consolidate your debt and pay it off. Then move out of your parents and get a place for you and your kid.
6. As others have stated - research your degree and attempt to build some networking with professors, successful adults you know/work with.
Good luck man, you really need it in this case. This will be hard, but in the end you will be free of this bullshit that this monsterous bitch is bringing you.
edit - forget about her, shes using you and you shouldn't care if she has to live in the street. She will find a way or else suffer for her horrible choices in life. DO NOT LET HER POTENTIAL PLIGHT AFFECT YOUR DECISIONS IN THIS. Shes a big girl and will take care of herself/her kid.
I don't want to say "nuh uh" here, but... nuh uh. Look, you have two kids that are essentially yours, both boys. Right now, they're young enough that they problem don't come in for too much of her craziness, but what's going to happen when they get older? She blames the entire male gender for what one man did to her. Do you think she's going to stop just because they're her kids? She's not, and it's going to screw them up.
She's also apparently financially incompetent. Do you want your kids to have to live in abject poverty where their mother doesn't care enough to make sure the whole family has enough to eat? How is she going to make sure the kids are well taken care of when she won't even bother to stick to a budget? Kids are expensive, and the only reason she's been able to pay for them so far is because you've been her ATM.
Not to mention her being apparently completely insensitive. Your kids are still young and cute, and it's easy to be nice to young, cute things. What's she going to do when they're teenagers, with all the moodiness and angst and pimples that come along with that? When they get their hearts broken for the first time, is she going to comfort them, or is she going to say to them what she said to you when you were in pain?
This made me smile.
The kids would be skateboarding off to the park or whatever, "Oh yeah, want to see my uncle grind this rail?"
I see the bind you are in and its great that you feel obligation to your kid but the best advice I can give you is to get out. You can still be a father and I understand you want to help her because you did love or maybe still do love her. She has obviously pointed out she only loves you for the kids. That is the biggest red flag. You should move out and I'm sorry she can't afford a place of her own but maybe she should move in with her parents. She is only thinking about herself with possession of children. She isn't thinking about your feelings and as I can see she hasn't really done much of that. If you move out now, you might even get custody of your child. I don't want to sound too heartless because I see you have said she is a loving and good mother. But don't try to be too nice please. She might change her mind once you become more successful. That isn't good either.
The point is, you only get one life. You have at least 90-100 years to make your existence worthwhile. Move out, take care of yourself and your child. Maintain relations with your 19 yr old son. Your little baby would probably like to have a big brother someday. Stay friendly with the wife and maybe someday you can be friends. But it is important you stay happy and don't set yourself up to develop more severe depression. You need to live life. Don't ever limit yourself.
Well, the OP worded it a little bit poorly, but I think that he was the nineteen year old when he met his wife. No clue on the age of the first kid, but I can see that making him reluctant to leave. He doesn't want to chance getting custody of one kid and not the other when they're both young enough to get severely warped by the wife.
And, OP, you really do have the position of power here. YOU have the income, YOU have the brains/planning, YOU are the one that doesn't have (as many) issues. It's hard to judge messed up people, but generally, if you're willing to push, she'll have to give.
I have a feeling she might rail against this, though, and turn to parents / legal measures / spreading rumors about you before conceding. If she's so big on blaming men, she's probably aware of all the stories about the abused wife that tried to escape, but couldn't because the husband controlled all the money and wouldn't let her save enough to go. With the way she sounds, that'd be the only way to get budgeting under control, but she's probably going to flip out on you.
So just a quick update:
It’s been a day and a half with no real words said to each other with one slight exception. I needed a ride to my mother's house and had to practically beg her to drop me off. In the mean time I had to ready all the baby's things (packing diaper bag, dressing him, changing diaper). I asked for help (just to take a bag out to the car for me) and she refused because "I was the one supposed to be getting the kids ready."
It’s been almost 24 hours since that incident occurred. Communication is almost completely shut down; I don't really know how to take that. On one hand its good because we're not fighting, on the other its going to lead to a blow up probably later on (not like its the first time). For right now at least things are semi-civil, we should just go our seperate ways in the house and not really converse with each other.
I also wanted to thank everyone here for their posts, its nice to know that even though you all are perfect strangers, I still have someone to talk to about everything; it means a lot because for the most part it feels like I'm alone in this. Some of yours posts were pretty long too, so that tells me you put a lot time in creating them; it is very appreciated.
Not to nitpick, but in North America we're lucky to get to 80. The average for men is (last I checked) around 76, and women around 78.
Just a bit of perspective. Being 28 is fine, but being literally 1/3 of the way through the journey starts to make you think about things, people, how you live and what your legacy will be. I'm not afraid of getting older, but I'm cognizent of the fact that in a few hours or in a hundred years, I might just not be around anymore.
Which, to bring it back to the topic at hand, is all the more reason to do the best you can for your family, OP. If that means divorcing, finding a new home and building back up to be the best dad you can, then that's how it's gotta be, and I do wish you the best of luck at it.