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The first passive-aggressive note of the season!
desperaterobots
perth, ausRegistered User regular
perth, ausRegistered User regular
Last night when I got in from work, I took up my paint brush immediately. I've got an exhibition opening in 2 weeks and I'm really, really busy. When I emerged for a glass of water my housemate was in the kitchen. We said hello, exchanged stories about our days, etc. Then she mentioned she was going to vacuum her room because our third housemate wasn't home.
She wound up vacuuming almost the whole house, and when I came out of my room again later, she had pinned up two notes in the kitchen:
'I have vacuumed the house. Please try not to bring in dirt. Co-operation appreciated. Thanks!'
And then:
'And if someone could sweep up the leaves out the front it would be easier to keep the place clean. Volunteers appreciated.'
Fine. I have no issue with the contents of the notes. I was happy to sweep up the front and did so immediately. It took all of 5 minutes.
But I'm bothered by the notes since there really wasn't any reason for her to not come and talk to me about it directly. The note presents more like an edict than a negotiable request. I really don't want to live in a house of passive aggressive notes. We're pals, and adults, and she shouldn't feel the need to leave impersonal notes posted around the house. I want it to stop before it becomes a routine.
I'm not sure how to make this clear without causing rifts, because she can be remarkably stubborn and self-righteous over the strangest things.
The background:
Would something like 'I'd really like it if you have anything you feel needs doing or want some help you just come to me and ask? I'm all for a clean house too!' This girl has never shared a house with anyone but a (very subservient) boyfriend before, so I'm concerned she's getting frustrated that she can't exert as much control as she used to.
Basically, I fucking hate notes. How do I stop them?!
She wound up vacuuming almost the whole house, and when I came out of my room again later, she had pinned up two notes in the kitchen:
'I have vacuumed the house. Please try not to bring in dirt. Co-operation appreciated. Thanks!'
And then:
'And if someone could sweep up the leaves out the front it would be easier to keep the place clean. Volunteers appreciated.'
Fine. I have no issue with the contents of the notes. I was happy to sweep up the front and did so immediately. It took all of 5 minutes.
But I'm bothered by the notes since there really wasn't any reason for her to not come and talk to me about it directly. The note presents more like an edict than a negotiable request. I really don't want to live in a house of passive aggressive notes. We're pals, and adults, and she shouldn't feel the need to leave impersonal notes posted around the house. I want it to stop before it becomes a routine.
I'm not sure how to make this clear without causing rifts, because she can be remarkably stubborn and self-righteous over the strangest things.
The background:
I was really great chums with this girl I've moved in with for a few years, but we fell out and things went icy for about 18 months. But things got better and we moved in together when we both needed a place to go at the same time. A shock to all, including me.
Things have been fine for a few months, but since we got our third housemate (one week ago) she has started taking personal offense at jokes she would normally find funny, has become withdrawn and more irritable and conversation has clammed up and become really awkward. One week isn't a long time, and she may just be adjusting to living with a stranger, but I fear these notes are going to be her way of dealing with her housemates.
Things have been fine for a few months, but since we got our third housemate (one week ago) she has started taking personal offense at jokes she would normally find funny, has become withdrawn and more irritable and conversation has clammed up and become really awkward. One week isn't a long time, and she may just be adjusting to living with a stranger, but I fear these notes are going to be her way of dealing with her housemates.
Would something like 'I'd really like it if you have anything you feel needs doing or want some help you just come to me and ask? I'm all for a clean house too!' This girl has never shared a house with anyone but a (very subservient) boyfriend before, so I'm concerned she's getting frustrated that she can't exert as much control as she used to.
Basically, I fucking hate notes. How do I stop them?!
desperaterobots on
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But it was pretty much the first thing that crossed my mind. I then stared at them, dumfounded, for about 5 minutes. Why the hell didn't she walk 5 metres down the hall and talk to me instead of writing two seperate notes?
Also, her notes didn't really sound that rude...it may be worth letting things slide if you know her intentions are good. It's possible that it's more she doesn't know how to talk to the new guy about it, or even that she knows you're busy and didn't want to talk to you about it and make it seem urgent. It may even be that she didn't want to assign tasks to people, and felt that by leaving a note you two could decide between yourselves who wanted to do what?
I wouldn't jump immediately to passive aggressive, unless she starts leaving tons of rude notes. I think the "Thanks!" and "Volunteers Appreciated" may have just been her way of trying to make the note sound a little more friendly.
I don't buy that, but you could be right. I'll say I appreciated her not interrupting me, but that I can always be interrupted if she needs to talk to me.
I would say that's sending a mixed message.
Also, notes can be good in shared houses, especially for little trivial things, because it saves you from having to get everyone together at the same time.
Haha, you're right, sorry, I'm at work. I meant to say, I appreciated her thoughtfulness, but she can interrupt me any time.
And really, maybe she just didn't want you to be bothered, or wanted the front cleaned out, but she didn't mind if it wasn't until the next day when you saw the note. Something like that.
My GF and I live together, and we leave notes for each other all the time. Maybe she didn't want to bother you, as what the notes said didn't demand immediate action. or maybe she didn't want to say the same thing to you, and then to the other roommate when they got home. A note ensures everyone finds out about it.
That's how I see it too. I'm not you, I wasn't there, and I don't know your housemates, but judging from what you've told us, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Yeah but the spoiler shows that she's been kinda withdrawn since a new person moved in. Plus the first note is pretty pass-aggress. It's like "I want it noted that I cleaned up and so if it gets dirty, it's your dirt not mine." It feels like she thought he was making things dirty and not cleaning up but she didn't want to talk to him about it.
Edit: Huh, maybe I'm just terrible at reading notes haha.
If it happens again, snatch the note off the fridge and approach her personally. Just ask her why she didn't come to you directly if she wanted you to do something. And if she mentions the third housemate, you can always volunteer to approach that housemate on her behalf if appropriate.
Tons of people are anti-confrontational and they would much prefer to be passive-aggressive than actually face someone about their shit. As long as you're willing to approach her reasonably and rationally (i.e., don't be pissed when you talk to her), I don't see why she should throw up any insurmountable defenses.
And if she DOES get self-righteous and pissy, well, she doesn't sound like the sort who should be living with ANYONE who's not a live-in maid.
And hey! Just got a text message. Big thanks to Thylacine - I messaged her on my phone and said pretty much all that he suggested, and she's responded positively. A light golf clap in your direction!
This is a pretty direct response and it's 100% factual and it doesn't misinterpret anything at all. It concentrates on two things: 1. What was done (a note), and 2. How you reacted.
It does NOT attribute anything to the possible motivations of your roommate because you don't know them. The ONLY thing you know is they left a note and how you reacted, and those are the ONLY things you should concentrate on in any conversation. When your roommate finds out how much you hate those DAMN NOTES, she might not leave them anymore.
You are being over-dramatic.
I've also found that you can't out-passive-aggressive a passive-aggressive person.
This also means that you bend some when there are irrational things that bother your roommates, too (not recycling anything that's even vaguely recyclable; unplugging appliances).
It goes thermonuclear really fast.
Take note thought that these five people are very tight with each other, and it was an agreed upon system.
you walk in and tell her not to leave notes, and make it clear that requests not made in person will be ignored. I mean, be nice about it since she's feeling awkward, but she needs to know that's not okay. Especially if she's writing them while other people are actually in the house
This part of me is the jokey part, clearly.
If you do not wish to listen to that part, I agree with the others; talk to her, be nice about it, probably was just a misunderstanding.
Talking is definitely the best option, but if you want to get turnabout, don't just leave a note. Take one sheet and hide the rest of the paper, then leave a note that says something along the lines of, "Not sure what happened, but we're out of note paper. Maybe somebody wrote a few notes. If anybody can pick up some more note paper at the store, that'd be great, then we can write more notes!" Fighting assholery with assholery just makes you an asshole, but you might as well make the point entirely clear if you're going to do it.
See, personally, I don't mind notes if for some reason you don't have the opportunity to talk, but stuff like "And if someone could sweep up the leaves out the front it would be easier to keep the place clean. Volunteers appreciated," grates on my nerves, it's accusatory, rude, and unnecessary. For contrast, "If you have time, could you sweep up the leaves? I couldn't get around to it, sorry," accomplishes the same thing without being a jackass.
Anyway, this is a conversation that needs to be had in-person, not over texts. Texts are pretty much the same as notes anyway. Go talk to her and say something like "Hey, maybe this is kinda weird, but leaving notes really bothers me. Instead, can we please just talk about things in person? I figured you just didn't want to interrupt me 'cause I was busy painting, which was thoughtful of you, but next time just stick your head in."
I don't think I was being overly dramatic here -- I was really just seeking advice on the best way to stop a potential issue from coming to fruition. I thought it would be proactive to get some opinions. Like Hevach said, there really was something in the tone which was irksome. Perhaps that's really what bothered me.
Anyway, thanks Trow; we're okay with texts for now. If she's feeling a little withdrawn and crabby as per the OP, a quick 'thanks for vacuuming, just talk to me if you need any help' over text meant I could broach the topic in a way that gave her some time to process what I was saying without being all "up in her shit". Even if I was a sweet as pie, it's still something of a rebuke. Also I'm a pussy, I guess?
But if I see another needless note, I'll be making the point in the way Cat suggests. Thanks duders.
Who the fuck cuts sponges in half? Seriously I've never heard that before.
I think she just thought the note would be a safer way to go about this.
Living with others is always challenging (unless it's family).