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Life sucks, wall of text, [girl thread], etc
Talka
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I dated a girl in high school, and it was awesome. I know lots of people date each other in high school and think they're something special, but we really were great for each other. It was heartbreaking when we had to go our own ways when college rolled around. The plan was that we would break up, but it sort of evolved into a long distance relationship on its own. We talked about three or four times a day on AIM and Skype, and would send each other presents and lovey things in the mail, and then we would see each other about three times a quarter and during breaks. This worked pretty well for two years. I'm not going to try and demonstrate that we had an awesome relationship, so just trust me that it was something special. However, during year three of college we both decided to go abroad. She left for Argentina in July for a six month trip. I'm leaving for Japan in April for a six month trip. So for a year or so we're not even on the same continent.
We probably should've talked about this and realized it wasn't going to work. I think we both would have agreed, however heartbreaking and shitty it would have felt, that we shouldn't date while we're abroad. The time difference is difficult, and six months without physical contact is just really tough on both of us. But we didn't talk about it. She left for Argentina, and we did the long distance thing for about three months. It was difficult, but we managed. I even flew all the way down there and spent a really awesome week with her.
About two months ago she broke up with me via Skype. It hit me really hard. She said there were two reasons. First, there wasn't enough attention and love from me. This was true. We talked about once a day, which just isn't enough for our relationship, and it had settled into a sort of cozy and lazy relationship. I didn't see it at the time, but it was true. Nobody to blame for that really, but it happened. Second, she was getting a lot of attention in Argentina and there were more opportunities for hooking up than she had ever seen. Basically, she wants to be independent and courted and flirted with and since everyone in Argentina thinks she's an absolute hottie she wants to go for it. She said (and I believed her) that she isn't going around sleeping with everyone, that's it's more about dancing and drinking and flirting and making out. Of course that's not all that much consolation.
In the meantime we've gone through several different phases of breaking up. At first I told her to never contact me again. I packed up all her junk and tried to throw it away. That failed--her stuff is under my bed hiding and I talked to her after like three days. There were weeks where like we'd check up every few days while she was doing this stuff, and sometimes we'd talk about what she's doing and what it means for us, and sometimes we'd act like we're just trying to be friends. Everything sucked. About a week ago she said that we're not going to get back together even when she comes back from Argentina because she wants to try being independent at college and because she doesn't want to just lose me again when I leave for Japan. She started acting really mean. Naturally I've been really upset this whole time, so I hadn't really acted with a level head. I had kept clinging to her even though we weren't dating. So last week she was really mean to me. Like, intentionally and deliberately cruel. I sent her a series of texts asking to let me talk to her so I could say goodbye, and she ignored them and ultimately told me not to contact her and then blocked my screen name. I asked her to tell me that it was over forever, and that she doesn't love me, and that we wouldn't ever get back together. I wanted closure so I could move on with my life, but she wouldn't say those things either.
So right now she's ignoring me. I'm just trying to live day to day, and it's hard. It was harder after the initial breakup, but it's been two months now and I still have trouble making it through the day. I'm trying to move on. I've tried flirting with some girls and I've gone out drinking and stuff (before this I didn't ever drink). But at the same time, I can't get over her and I don't want to. I'm just passing the time until she comes back from Argentina so that we can talk again. Maybe we won't get back together, but I really want to know what happened between us. I get the feeling she's actively dating somebody right now, which is the reason she was so mean to me. She's really special to me, and whether or not we end up together I don't want to lose her from my life. We made a lot of promises at the end of high school about how we were going to buck the odds and manage to stay friends in spite of all the inevitable jealously and shit that was going to happen in college (back then we weren't even planning on long-distance dating). It's hard to go back on the old me and her and give up on this girl just because she wants to be independent and date other people. But at the same time, I'm not allowed to email her or contact her, and it's hard for me to live my life right now.
I also want to give the relationship another try. I want to rekindle a relationship built on excitement and attraction and not comfort and support. It might not work (hard to rekindle that long-distance), but since our relationship was so special I just want a second try at being romantic. So I find myself waiting for her to come back from Argentina so I can propose a 10-week stint at trying a romantic relationship again before I go to Japan so that I can show we can be exciting together. I know that's naive and improbable, but it's been impossible to stop that fantasy from playing through my head. That gets in the way of my efforts to get over her and forget her. It also gets in the way of efforts to try and establish the sort of lasting friendship we promised each other we'd maintain at the end of high school.
Look, I know that people change and that relationships die out. But I keep picturing this girl two years ago when we were making this promise that we'd stay friends no matter what happens, and I feel like completely getting over her and forgetting her is a disservice to that promise. I don't know what to do.
Day to day life sucks ass. I think about the relationship basically all day long, and the real breakup happened two months ago. It's hard to get through a day without wanting to hide somewhere and cry. I don't cry--I try and maintain a can-do attitude, but the thoughts won't go away. And that's because I don't want them to. It's circular, I don't want to forget her. My studies and my relationship with my family and friends are suffering. I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do. But I can't find a way to psych myself into a positive attitude. I feel lame because my ex is out there flirting and partying all the time and I can't stop thinking about her. I feel jealous because she's probably dating someone right now. If I want to salvage the relationship, the best thing to do is probably to wait until she comes back from Argentina anyways. If I want to salvage the friendship, I guess I should wait too. I don't know. But I don't know what to do with myself all day long. I'm always waiting and counting the days until she comes back, which is lame and I know it.
I don't really know what help and advice I'm looking for. How to feel better? Thoughts on the relationship and the friendship? Ideas about what she might be thinking and doing? Am I being naive or foolish? I don't know. I guess my real problem is I feel like absolute shit all day long.
We probably should've talked about this and realized it wasn't going to work. I think we both would have agreed, however heartbreaking and shitty it would have felt, that we shouldn't date while we're abroad. The time difference is difficult, and six months without physical contact is just really tough on both of us. But we didn't talk about it. She left for Argentina, and we did the long distance thing for about three months. It was difficult, but we managed. I even flew all the way down there and spent a really awesome week with her.
About two months ago she broke up with me via Skype. It hit me really hard. She said there were two reasons. First, there wasn't enough attention and love from me. This was true. We talked about once a day, which just isn't enough for our relationship, and it had settled into a sort of cozy and lazy relationship. I didn't see it at the time, but it was true. Nobody to blame for that really, but it happened. Second, she was getting a lot of attention in Argentina and there were more opportunities for hooking up than she had ever seen. Basically, she wants to be independent and courted and flirted with and since everyone in Argentina thinks she's an absolute hottie she wants to go for it. She said (and I believed her) that she isn't going around sleeping with everyone, that's it's more about dancing and drinking and flirting and making out. Of course that's not all that much consolation.
In the meantime we've gone through several different phases of breaking up. At first I told her to never contact me again. I packed up all her junk and tried to throw it away. That failed--her stuff is under my bed hiding and I talked to her after like three days. There were weeks where like we'd check up every few days while she was doing this stuff, and sometimes we'd talk about what she's doing and what it means for us, and sometimes we'd act like we're just trying to be friends. Everything sucked. About a week ago she said that we're not going to get back together even when she comes back from Argentina because she wants to try being independent at college and because she doesn't want to just lose me again when I leave for Japan. She started acting really mean. Naturally I've been really upset this whole time, so I hadn't really acted with a level head. I had kept clinging to her even though we weren't dating. So last week she was really mean to me. Like, intentionally and deliberately cruel. I sent her a series of texts asking to let me talk to her so I could say goodbye, and she ignored them and ultimately told me not to contact her and then blocked my screen name. I asked her to tell me that it was over forever, and that she doesn't love me, and that we wouldn't ever get back together. I wanted closure so I could move on with my life, but she wouldn't say those things either.
So right now she's ignoring me. I'm just trying to live day to day, and it's hard. It was harder after the initial breakup, but it's been two months now and I still have trouble making it through the day. I'm trying to move on. I've tried flirting with some girls and I've gone out drinking and stuff (before this I didn't ever drink). But at the same time, I can't get over her and I don't want to. I'm just passing the time until she comes back from Argentina so that we can talk again. Maybe we won't get back together, but I really want to know what happened between us. I get the feeling she's actively dating somebody right now, which is the reason she was so mean to me. She's really special to me, and whether or not we end up together I don't want to lose her from my life. We made a lot of promises at the end of high school about how we were going to buck the odds and manage to stay friends in spite of all the inevitable jealously and shit that was going to happen in college (back then we weren't even planning on long-distance dating). It's hard to go back on the old me and her and give up on this girl just because she wants to be independent and date other people. But at the same time, I'm not allowed to email her or contact her, and it's hard for me to live my life right now.
I also want to give the relationship another try. I want to rekindle a relationship built on excitement and attraction and not comfort and support. It might not work (hard to rekindle that long-distance), but since our relationship was so special I just want a second try at being romantic. So I find myself waiting for her to come back from Argentina so I can propose a 10-week stint at trying a romantic relationship again before I go to Japan so that I can show we can be exciting together. I know that's naive and improbable, but it's been impossible to stop that fantasy from playing through my head. That gets in the way of my efforts to get over her and forget her. It also gets in the way of efforts to try and establish the sort of lasting friendship we promised each other we'd maintain at the end of high school.
Look, I know that people change and that relationships die out. But I keep picturing this girl two years ago when we were making this promise that we'd stay friends no matter what happens, and I feel like completely getting over her and forgetting her is a disservice to that promise. I don't know what to do.
Day to day life sucks ass. I think about the relationship basically all day long, and the real breakup happened two months ago. It's hard to get through a day without wanting to hide somewhere and cry. I don't cry--I try and maintain a can-do attitude, but the thoughts won't go away. And that's because I don't want them to. It's circular, I don't want to forget her. My studies and my relationship with my family and friends are suffering. I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do. But I can't find a way to psych myself into a positive attitude. I feel lame because my ex is out there flirting and partying all the time and I can't stop thinking about her. I feel jealous because she's probably dating someone right now. If I want to salvage the relationship, the best thing to do is probably to wait until she comes back from Argentina anyways. If I want to salvage the friendship, I guess I should wait too. I don't know. But I don't know what to do with myself all day long. I'm always waiting and counting the days until she comes back, which is lame and I know it.
I don't really know what help and advice I'm looking for. How to feel better? Thoughts on the relationship and the friendship? Ideas about what she might be thinking and doing? Am I being naive or foolish? I don't know. I guess my real problem is I feel like absolute shit all day long.
Talka on
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You need to ditch the girl and get over it. Chivalry died for a reason - it just isn't practical. You may have taken a blood oath to be her friend till the end but you'll find that she isn't going to build her life around that promise and you shouldn't either.
People like to have fun and enjoy life; they don't like to feel obligated not to out of some desire to keep a promise. Promises are overrated, people tend to keep them when when it's convenient and forget them when it's not. Not to be cynical, but that is very true more often than it's not.
Seriously, dude, she isn't even in the same country as you right now and you're sitting around dwelling on her and she is, very likely, not thinking of you at all. My advice is to move on.
I understand being totally infatuated for the first time and feeling like you're just never going to meet someone like that ever again. I've been there; everyone has. It is absolutely illogical to assume, though, that i in a world as big as this you will never meet anyone else who's right for you. It may take some time but you might need some time by yourself to get rid of some burgeoning co-dependency issues.
Relationships are good; depending on them to be happy is not.
(2) Don't panic at the thought of losing contact. You're much too young to realize this, but "being friends" doesn't need to involve calling or texting or emailing on a regular basis. Some of the people I consider my best friends, the people I've known longest in my life, I speak to or see 3-4 times a year, and I know simply to enjoy them as much as possible when I get the opportunity. Beyond that, after a breakup and cooling down period, and a prolonged silence, you might be surprised to find how easy it is to be friends with an ex after being given enough space. If she's someone who is worth having in your life, and you are the same to her, eventually you will reconcile, but right now -- drop it. Move on. Let her have her space. Delete her number from your phone and block her online contacts. Don't call, don't communicate, and trust that is the best thing you can possibly do to salvage a friendly relationship with this girl in the long run.
(3) You got your heart broken. Sounds like you're depressed. It's understandable. Any and all recommendations for how to deal with depression apply here -- see your friends, exercise, force yourself to go to social events, focus on your hobbies, choose a sport team to follow or pick up a new video game. It's understandable you feel poorly, but know that the only way you will start to feel better is by eliminating your dependency on this girl. Be honest with yourself -- give up the idea that reconciliation is the only path to happiness and begin the unpleasant process of pulling yourself, by yourself, out of the hole you're in.
Emotionally, it's more confusing. When we talked, she wouldn't be committal about having dumped me. She would admit to thinking about me for most of the day, in spite of her partying and flirting and dating, and she sort of hinted that she just wanted to get a fling out of Argentina. She kept feeding me this nonsense about how much she loves me and thinks about me, and she would even give me this line about how she has this premonition (she's Hindu and really superstitious) that we're going to be married some day (despite all of the logistical improbabilities I told her about). When she said it was over for good and not to contact her again, I told her that I was going to throw out all the sentimental junk and pictures we'd accumulated so I could move on. I asked her to tell me if she was seeing someone else, to tell me that she didn't love me, and to tell me that we'd never get together. I was ready for ultimate closure, but she wouldn't give me that. She begged me not to throw the stuff out (I'm mailing it to her sister instead), and wouldn't say any of the stuff I needed to hear.
Still, emotionally I know it's over. But without the sort of closure I need (I mean, a breakup over AIM after 4 years together makes it hard to think it's just... over), it's hard to banish the thoughts. Especially since she's coming back from Argentina in a month and I keep thinking about her talking to me. I know it isn't healthy, but it's just impossible not to do. Shouldn't I be able to fantasize about reconnecting with someone I loved and still move on with my life? Maybe not. I don't know. It's just impossible not to do.
It's over. It's time to move on.
Even if she came back and you were able to give things another go, once you leave the same shit is going to start all over again.
It sounds like you're both getting to live some pretty awesome lives. You're getting to see and experience other parts on the world. Enjoy it. Don't let this ruin an exciting part of your life. You'll regret it later.
Odds are you see each other again, but it doesn't have to be so frequently, or so soon. When you've been with someone that long, you inevitably share something important with them, and you will always have some kind of bond. I'm guessing you're around 20 years old. Who knows what you'll be doing when you're 30? You might be in the same town as her for some reason, and you'll meet up, have dinner, a nice conversation, and that will be that. It doesn't have to be a "in love" or "no contact" thing (except for the time being, because you guys need independence to sort shit out).
I rarely talked to one my exes, but on the night that my boyhood dog passed away, she was the person I called to talk to, because she was the only person I could contact with that had ever met my dog. We didn't shoot the breeze about our day-to-day stuff, but she still consoled me, we talked a bit, and we are definitely available as friends for each other.
Be patient. Don't be so over-dramatic.
She might think she's "softening the blow" by telling you sweet things, which ultimately leads you on a little, but either way it's ultimately irrelevant. We're telling you what she won't -- it's over. Embrace your independence.
Like I said -- don't be so fatalistic. You guys, at some point down the line when emotions aren't so fresh and things in such transition, should be able to positively reconnect.
Is the romantic relationship over? Yes, emphatically yes. You should give her space, and take some for yourself, and learn how to be happy independent of her.
Is your life-long relationship with her over? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on a lot of things. Don't say stupid things like, "We'll never talk again," though, because as you learned contacting her three days later, that's rarely true. Be an adult. Say, "I need my space now, as you need yours, and I think we should eliminate contact. Hopefully somewhere down the line when things aren't so thorny, we'll be able to reconnect. We'll be in touch eventually." or something along those lines.
BUT FIRST
take a deep breath, get some space, and learn how to be happy without depending on her for it.
And then maybe I get all rational again and tell myself to move on with my life. But without the closure and with her coming back in one month, it's just hard not to think about it. Yeah, I know that sounds really weak of me. But I don't know what to do. How do I not think about this 24/7? It sucks. Especially since I know that thinking about it 24/7 is lame and so I feel lame thinking about it, and then I feel so lame that all I do is sit around and think about it. And I mean, this really happened two months ago. I want a day where I don't just fucking think about it for hours. Two months should've given me that. One day.
Of course it's unpleasant and of course you think about her a lot. That's why it's good to engage in activities that will keep you from stewing -- going out with friends, playing sports, focusing on a hobby or video game, something like that. Putting mementos in a box and mailing them back to her sister is a good thing. It's very good of you not to destroy them, it's good of you to be responsible enough to return them to her if she wants them, and it's extremely good to have them removed from your living space because it will help you in the process of moving on.
Be an adult. Treat her with respect when you need to communicate with her (and even if she doesn't return the favor). It might help to think of her as a particularly problematic co-worker, someone to act professional around, and someone you know better than to let run your life.
Be grateful for the time you two spent together, and look forward to the new world of possibility before the both of you.
edit: for your edit -- what you're describing is an awful lot like depression (or heart break, kinda synonymous, those two). Do what people say you should do when you're depressed. Force yourself to, even. It's how you'll move on.
First thing to do, get over her in some way. An easy way to do this is by attracting some female attention. Go hit up the SE++ (locked) OKCupid thread for some advice for the easy attention-getter that is online dating. Basically, you set up a profile with a few choice pictures, make yourself sound confident and like a winner and you will get a surprising amount of attention, especially if the site isn't dedicated to fucking like Adult Friend Finder and is dedicated to hipsters finding companionship like OKCupid.
She comes back in a month. That means you have a month before you ACTUALLY have to think about it. In the mean time, I know you love her, I really do, but just see what's out there. Maybe go on a non-committal date.
Also if she was smart she would have done her fling and stuck with you. From a gain/loss perspective it feels like she threw the baby out with the bathwater. Sure it sucks to say it would have been better with her cheating on you but hey, c'est la vive. Also, if she thinks that way about you, I'd say there is a high probability of you two getting together in the future provided you get over it and make the most of it now. Also, this sucks and I know it. You are going through something NO ONE should have to go through and you seem to be doing admirably. Your dedication is commendable, albeit somewhat self-destructive. In the mean time, focus on self-improvement (go go hivemind advice) and, in my opinion, get a date or two. Avoid drinking like the plague though, it's an easy rut to get stuck in.
Another thing: It hurts to think that the relationship that I thought was so special... wasn't. I mean, I knew how many high school couples break up, and I sort of prided myself on the relationship being something more special and meaningful than the sort of drivel you see flighty teens gossiping about. I tend to see things through a black and white, all-or-nothing romantic lens, and it's really biting me in the ass here, because a few times every day I convince myself that the relationship we had was totally meaningless and trivial and just another high school relationship that doesn't even make it through college. On top of the blown self-esteem from the rejection and the loneliness and fear of being single, thinking that what we had wasn't ever special is like the straw that breaks the camel's back. I know it's not rational or true, but when I think about her getting it on with another guy it's hard not to think it.
I think getting some action could be helpful. Giving myself a goal (i.e., getting laid) would both give me something to occupy myself with and could potentially boost my self-esteem. I don't really think people do online dating in college. Is that normal? At least I've never seen it. I don't really do frat parties or anything so I don't normally have a lot of opportunities to meet women. I don't know. It's daunting. I haven't been single in ages. I've tried flirting with some girls after the breakup but I got nowhere fast. I wish I had a slutty friend or something. Should I just try the fastest way to get laid? I don't even know where to start anymore.
Maybe it sounds mean, but who knows what would have happened if things were the other way around and you had gone abroad first, had people flirting with you and wanting to go out and have fun and you had to say no to stay in and chat on AIM/Skype.
I doubt she's trying to be malicious. It seems like at first she was trying to soften the blow when breaking up with you and then when that didn't work she tried being harsh/mean like you said. I don't think she really hates you...I think she's probably frustrated and wants to enjoy her time in Argentina, which includes seeing other people, and she probably does still want to be your friend but feels guilty whenever you guys talk and you are freaking out about the relationship which is why she cut you off.
I'm not trying to be judgmental, I don't think either of you did anything particularly wrong...I think you are both just reacting to the situations you're in. Feelings bring out the best and worst in people and situations. You just have to ride this thing out. As others have suggested you should work on being more independent...you're still growing and changing and figuring out who you are, as is she. Talk to her when she comes back, try to get your friendship back in good shape. I would talk to her about the whole relationship thing and agree that you guys should take a break until you get back from Japan and then agree to talk about it again. And this time actually figure out what's going on...are you together? Is it not a relationship but you guys are close friends/romantic when together? Can you date other people without freaking out? What will you do when you graduate? Should you fight the romance/physical stuff and just be friends because it's too hard otherwise? Should you never talk again?
You guys really need to know where you stand with one another, or more problems like this are going to happen. It's likely, when she comes back she may still be angry with you or she may forgive you and fall back into the pattern of being romantic/physical relationship with you until you leave. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make things that much harder. I really do strongly suggest you take a total break from one another when you go to Japan.
Also, not to freak you out, but the probability of you getting together in the future is directly proportional to how you handle this now. After all, she probably dumped you due to emotional strain/drag. Don't project that image. Project the "I'm a happy winner" image. As Aristotle would remind us, the more you project an attitude or commit an action, the more you habituate yourself to it until it becomes true. After all, losers stay at home and whine about doing their best, whereas Sean Connery would remind us what winners do.
So, I had a girl in high school that I was crazy about, we'll call her Harmony, and for the first school year that we spent together, it seemed kinda like she felt the same way, but not as much. We never really dated or anything like that, we were just really close friends that teased each other occasionally about relationship-y stuff and all that. Same goes for the second year of school. And then things went down a steep steep slope.
I was having a particularly bad summer, which included never talking to her outside of a few nights on an Instant Messenger or so in which I sort of dumped a -lot- of my problems on her. And then I got guilty (and stupid) and blocked her so I -couldn't- do that to her. She took particular offense to that and when the third school year came around, she didn't talk to me for about half of it because she was so hurt that I wouldn't let her help me or at least try. But I was still stupid and hopeless, so I just kept that hope alive. And then towards about, like the second quarter of senior year, we were -about- where we left off, with a little bit of implied bitterness. But we were back to teasing and such, and it was pretty obvious (well, to me. It seemed that way) that we were both open to the prospect of dating one another, but outside of a couple group activities, it never really happened. And I learned on Graduation that it was because she had a boyfriend that she never told me about/introduced me to.
I dropped her faster than a bad habit, but I'll be damned if it didn't take me a long time to get over her. Especially after we had a little email fight about what the importance of our 'relationship' was (She said that she didn't even remember that summer vacation thing, even though she threw such a big fit about it at the time and other lies) and it really was just a terrible situation. Later on, when her boyfriend dumped her (I assume. That would seem to be the case.) I got an apology email where she tried to get back with me, and I simply ignored it.
As a result, we don't talk anymore, obviously, and I couldn't be happier that we don't. I don't actively plan on wanting to see her again. Granted, our situations are a little different, as I imagine Your ex was nice to you where mine....wasn't actually an ex. Ever. At any point.
This, if nothing else, really illustrates that you need to move on, as it has been suggested.. I didn't when I really really should've, and I paid heftily for it. Even now, just trying to put out my situation in hopes that it would help and not be completely destructive or negative, I feel kinda bad. But I also just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend. So I can't complain about how things turned out.
Really, everyone's advice here has been stellar, and I will state again that I hope my situation helps you and nothing else. Above all else, look out for yourself.
After all, you're the only you you have.
This is faulty reasoning. What you two had was special, and was definitely more special than most high school relationships in the fact that it lasted as long as it did and meant as much as it did. Don't look back on it like it was "a waste of time" or "meaningless," because it was an incredibly important part of your life and always will be. You need to take what you learned from that relationship, the good and the bad, and use those lessons to live the best life you can.
Try and look at it as objectively as possible. It obviously wasn't a perfect relationship, but it also wasn't meaningless or stupid. It was worthwhile at the time. Take what you got from it and move on.
But don't try to put it out of your mind forever like it never happened. That will never work. You have to learn from it and move forward realizing it is part of your life, but it's also part of your past, not your future.
Eh, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't special, but I would say that it wasn't more special that most high school relationships. They're all the most important thing to those people at the time. I personally think that most of the high school relationships that last beyond college are fooling themselves. That's like winning the lottery the first time you play, you have to be very lucky to find that right person in one particular school district. You really do yourself a disservice by not experiencing life, which is why most people go nuts at college.
Experience is a wonderful thing. As you get older, you'll look back and realize that while you thought you knew it all, you really didn't know anything. Your new life experience will really put things into perspective. It sounds like this was your first real love, and those are always the most powerful, and the hardest to let go of. I know you feel like things will never be that good again. Trust me, we've all been there, and things will get better.
Your best bet now is to remove her from your life completely. This is really the only way to quickly get over someone. Eventually you'll start thinking about her less and less, and will eventually wonder why it was such a big deal at all. It took me about a year and a half to fully get over my first love, and now, 12 years later, I think about her maybe a couple of times a year, and I don't regret a thing.
People have many other people they are highly compatible with. Also, when two people are more mature than their peers of their age and also happen to be compatible the resulting relationship will likely be more "special."
God, if you're gonna try and give hivemind advice, at least do it in a way that isn't ego bruising.
I always like the film "High Fidelity" but when I watched it after a break up I fucking loved that movie. So watch it or watch it again and enjoy the fact that you can actually like it more if you are going through a tough break up.
More special to who? To them? Well no shit. I think he needs some perspective, though. It was his first love, not his one and only soul mate.
I'm going to suggest that this may not be the best plan right now. Some people enjoy flings or short-term rebounds, but it sounds like you are the kind of person who tends to fall hard, and I don't think kidding yourself otherwise for some short-term gratification is going to make you really feel better the morning after. I could certainly be wrong, and if the opportunity presents itself, it's ultimately going to be your call. A more constructive approach, I think, would be taking some time to come to grips with the fact that you are now single, and you're ok with that. And if you're not, do things like The Green Eyed Monster suggested — find new hobbies, activities, volunteer opportunities, social outings — that will restore your sense of individual wholeness. Then, when that's back — and it could be weeks, months, or even years, if that's what it takes — you'll probably find yourself a lot happier, which will make girls you might be interested in a lot happier, and eventually you'll find a new relationship even more wonderful than the one that's ended.
If it makes you feel any better, both of my long-distance relationships ended under reasonably similar circumstances to yours, except in the latter case I was the one breaking it off, and that was worse. If you want to be kind to your ex, let her go and don't demand overwrought explanations for why she's doing what she's doing — that's for her to work out for herself now. When it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and as you say the emotions and the geography are going to be against you. I would second the recommendation to be polite, return her things, and just cut off contact for a few months. If you want, give her an e-mail address and tell her you'd be open to looking each other up again in person at some point, with no set agenda — after you get back from your six months in Japan. You've got a big anchor of a long-distance relationship off your shoulders now, so enjoy your time in college, enjoy your time in Japan (where if you are an even moderately attractive and socially-competent white dude I guarantee you will be far more of a rock-star than she ever was in Argentina — but if you do get into anything there, please be safe, honest and don't come home with any new long-distance obligations or venereal diseases), and focus on the here and now, which I assure you is not so bad.
After all, you're not a starving refugee in the Congo with AIDs and two malnourished babies! So cheer the fuck up and start living your life.
Good luck.
In my first "relationship" (kinda like Darth_Mogs deal, really) it took about 2-3 months for my feelings to subside at all, took me a bit over a year and a half to get the thing completely out of my system. But yeah, it faded eventually. It's natural to take a while to get over that first romance, it sucked like hell, many of us have gone through it, we're all still here, we've all moved on to other relationships eventually.
You have to assume, starting today, that you're not going to get back together. Your gut may take a few months to listen on this issue, but it will come around eventually. If you want to stay friends, I wouldn't make any more attempts to make contact until after she comes back from Argentina, maybe not until you get back from Japan. Honestly, there's a decent chance she'll get more emotionally sorted and contact you in a few weeks or months to move things in the direction of being friends, depending on exactly what happened during the last couple of weeks of communication, but you cannot get hung up on it.
There's no magical formula for getting through this. Focus on Japan, hobbies, friends, etc. If you want to go get laid, go for it... but if you're not into the hookup thing, or not feeling it yet (and I see a lot of little clues that make me suspect you're not), don't force it. Whatever you do, do NOT get into a rebound relationship.
Now I'm more upset about the way things ended. I wasn't particularly magnanimous or understanding or anything supportive that might have enabled a friendship to develop out of this in the future someday. I definitely was clingy and mopey and embarrassingly distraught over the whole thing. It makes sense that I can't rely on her for closure, and I'm not planning on waiting for her to help me get over this in my head. But at the same time, the last interaction we had was me pleading to get to talk to her and her acting like a bitch in order to get me to go away. I understand it was necessary on her part in order to end it, but that still gets me. And as much as I'm upset about being treated like shit, a large part of me just doesn't care about that and just wants her to have fun in Argentina. She hasn't led the most thrilling life (strict parents and all that), and honestly more power to her if she wants to go crazy out there. I wish I could tell her that we're square, that I don't begrudge her anything, and that I can give her space for a year or so and maybe we'll try and be friends after that. Instead right now it's her feeling guilty (or maybe giddy?) about tramping around behind my back as I act whiney and mopey, and I just feel lame about... well, looking so lame. But I know contacting her right now's a bad idea, so instead it's ended with me looking like a little bitch. I guess that part is just damaged pride, and I should just forget about it and move on, but it still hurts too.
Leave her alone. Don't worry about how you look, don't worry about being friends afterwards. You need to break the habit of thinking about her or your pride or whatever. When you think about those things, give yourself a mantra of "I'm not going to worry about that, I'm going to be just fine" and say it out loud if you have to. After that, force yourself to go do something; if you make yourself do 10 pushups every time you start to mope over her, you'll either get over it fast or get awesome arm muscles.
And yeah, you may get to be friends with her later, but it's not going to happen until you're utterly and completely over her. Being friends isn't even on the agenda for at least the next 6 months, so don't even let yourself think about it.
I know I'm supposed to be getting over her and this shouldn't change anything but fuck did it just hit me like a god damn anvil and I'm freaking out hardcore.
Stop checking her blog or figuring out where she is going to be. Go and put up an online personals profile or go to the gym or fight hobos for old cheese.
Its hitting you so hard because you keep hanging on to this hope that despite all the evidence, things are going to work out between you. Its hitting you so hard because even though she's cut off contact, you were holding on to the idea that in the brief time when she came back and before you go to Japan, that you'd have your chance to either re-kindle things or get the closure YOU want.
Its not going to happen. The girl is doing what is best for her - she's cut off contact. She's even eliminated the chance of you guys meeting up by extending her stay so you'll be gone when she comes back. These are good things. These are all things we would have advised had she been the OP. Heck, they're the same things we're telling you now. Cut off contact. Stop checking her blog/facebook/myspace etc. You arent going to find anything that makes you happy. She is ending the relationship in the most decisive way she can, and she isnt leaving the door open. Take the hint man, for your own sake.
I'll also add that the closure you seem to want... for her to tell you she doesnt love you, or has/wants someone else... thats pretty selfish. You're asking her to justify her decision to you. Its her decision. She only has to justify it to herself, and she certainly doesnt need to explain it to you if she doesnt want to. The relationship you guys had just isnt working for her anymore, and thats all the reason she needs.
Wow, you're helpful.
There's no nice way to put it -- don't do that.
If I were in your position, I would ecstatically be looking forward traveling abroad to Japan, and trying to get everything in line so that you won't be so wrapped up in non-present BS so as to avoid wasting what will otherwise be the experience of a lifetime. Start asserting your independence now. Don't snoop, don't check up on her, don't troll her friends for gossip. Don't.
Do whats best for yourself, put your happiness first and if you can go do things do so, it will help, do everything that gets you away from her or stops you from thinking about her. It’s what you need. If you got a lot to do and good friends that can make a world of difference, they might not understand but get out there, do something. Anything.
Understand this, she isn’t coming back to you. She likely doesn’t want too. I know how that must hurt and it must be terrible to believe but it’s almost certainly truth. Don’t keep punishing yourself or pushing and forcing this or else you’ll only make yourself more miserable. You don’t deserve that. Do you really want that.
There are other women, I’m sure it’s hard to believe there can be a better one out there for you but going on stories of other people that have been in these types of situation I’m sure there is one just right for you. So don’t give up and don’t let yourself too down. I know that’s easier said than done but time will help, just make sure you help yourself as well.