What makes people like people?

Sam

Bit of an odd thread, and may have a D&Dish vibe. I don't have a problem per se, but I have been wondering.
I'm not asking how to make friends. There are plenty of interesting people around me- I live in a college dorm.
People here seem to like me some perhaps genuinely, but I'm not close to anyone. At all. I'm not part of any cliques, and if I do hang out with one, I always feel like the odd one out. I don't know what it is I'm looking for really, but I know I don't have it. I guess I just don't know what to make of things. I can find people to hang out with, some of them seem to genuinely like me, at least more so than the drinking buddies, but I'm really not close to anyone- and I don't want the rest of college to be like this. It's fun, but it's also a little empty.

Part of what throws me off is that I grew up in a far less friendly place than where I go to college now (the midwest) and while I've somewhat learned to differentiate between politeness and sincerity, I still find it extremely odd that people are generally nice. There are exceptions of course, but back home those people would have been the norm.

Rohaq

I'm told I'm likeable, but the easiest way I've found to get close to someone is to be open-minded. I'm naturally pretty open-minded, I tend to accept people for what they are and like them despite their faults. Everyone has faults, after all.

Other people react well to this, since a main reason people don't get very close is because they fear the judgement of others. If you bitch about people based on their own personal choices, word spreads that you're a dick, and people will actively avoid getting close to you.

Another main reason is privacy, so try not to pry too deeply; I try my best to accept people for who they are, and will often ask them how they're doing, about their day, etc, but if they don't want to talk, I don't press them, because that just pushes them away.

embrik

Sam wrote:

Part of what throws me off is that I grew up in a far less friendly place than where I go to college now (the midwest) and while I've somewhat learned to differentiate between politeness and sincerity, I still find it extremely odd that people are generally nice. There are exceptions of course, but back home those people would have been the norm.

Yeah, we generally are pretty nice here in the midwest. Which school are you at, if you don't mind me asking?

In any case, do you live near anyone who has some common classes? I've found that studying with someone else can lead to friendship, and it always helps that you have something to talk about.

drxand?

what makes people like people?

similar interests, knowlege of a shared subject, their attitude toward things, it all depends.
like rohaq said, open minded-ness is great and opens you up to a variety of people, some good, some not so good.

trust is a big thing too, some people have trust issues and dont open up as easy because of their pasts - to show that you're trustworthy makes a world of difference to some compared to others.


for me personally, i don't have a lot of close friends because i live in an area where there isnt a whole lot of people that share the same standards of interest that i do. mainly the people i used to hang out with were more smoking/drinking buds than actually good friends.

Sam

Rohaq wrote:

I'm told I'm likeable, but the easiest way I've found to get close to someone is to be open-minded. I'm naturally pretty open-minded, I tend to accept people for what they are and like them despite their faults. Everyone has faults, after all.

Other people react well to this, since a main reason people don't get very close is because they fear the judgement of others. If you bitch about people based on their own personal choices, word spreads that you're a dick, and people will actively avoid getting close to you.

Another main reason is privacy, so try not to pry too deeply; I try my best to accept people for who they are, and will often ask them how they're doing, about their day, etc, but if they don't want to talk, I don't press them, because that just pushes them away.

I haven't been openly judgmental, and if I have at all, it would have had to be a subtle expression of opinion.
I also make an effort to not ask pointed personal questions, and keep conversation hovering around the extent to which they go, and reciprocate if I feel compelled. I definitely don't want to be clingy either.

As for accepting faults, I'd like to think I'm the same way, except I draw the line when people are excessively immoral.

Rohaq

Sam wrote:

Rohaq wrote:

I'm told I'm likeable, but the easiest way I've found to get close to someone is to be open-minded. I'm naturally pretty open-minded, I tend to accept people for what they are and like them despite their faults. Everyone has faults, after all.

Other people react well to this, since a main reason people don't get very close is because they fear the judgement of others. If you bitch about people based on their own personal choices, word spreads that you're a dick, and people will actively avoid getting close to you.

Another main reason is privacy, so try not to pry too deeply; I try my best to accept people for who they are, and will often ask them how they're doing, about their day, etc, but if they don't want to talk, I don't press them, because that just pushes them away.

I haven't been openly judgmental, and if I have at all, it would have had to be a subtle expression of opinion.
I also make an effort to not ask pointed personal questions, and keep conversation hovering around the extent to which they go, and reciprocate if I feel compelled. I definitely don't want to be clingy either.

As for accepting faults, I'd like to think I'm the same way, except I draw the line when people are excessively immoral.

Well, I tend to ask questions, but not press if they don't want to talk. You'd be surprised how much people open up if you just ask them. Obviously stray away from stupid or morbid questions, but keep stuff topical and be accepting whatever the answer is, and you'll likely end up closer to the person involved.

Axim

honestly college/university is pretty clique-y, as much as highschool at the least so it helps to
1) go to parties - aside from the fact that booze makes smalltalk 8x easier its a casual atmosphere where you'll usually fall in with some people who are talking about similar things. one of the few situations where approaching randoms and starting up convo can be fair game
2) volunteer volunteer volunteer - best place to meet people, we have a bunch of different charities on campus here and you're pretty much guarunteed to make some friends through that along with it looking good on resumes
3) work work work - same deal most people i know are the most connected through their jobs, when you have to spend time with the same people every day you are obviously going to get something going there
4) personality wise i find really as long as you can be outgoing and not too ackward you're fine. the main thing is just being around people which is where 1-3 come in. sense of humour is huge of course but really i know tons of dicks, nice guys, whatever and really it doesn't seem to matter as long as you have something going for you and you're relatively interesting you're fine..

The Green Eyed Monster

No honestly it's not that tricky. If you just want someone to like you, all you have to do is show interest in them. People are flattered and like you when you show interest in them. Now, you can take this too far, because really all it means is (a) ask questions about that person and (b) listen to whatever they say. It's not glamorous getting people to like you, no, it's not, but it's easy. Ask them questions and listen to them and they will like you, I promise.

EclecticGroove

celery77 wrote:

No honestly it's not that tricky. If you just want someone to like you, all you have to do is show interest in them. People are flattered and like you when you show interest in them. Now, you can take this too far, because really all it means is (a) ask questions about that person and (b) listen to whatever they say. It's not glamorous getting people to like you, no, it's not, but it's easy. Ask them questions and listen to them and they will like you, I promise.

To expand on this... sometimes it doesn't matter what you do either.. some people just will NOT like you, and some you just won't ever like either... it's life, no biggie move on and don't sweat it.

I found most people in college to be fairly "fake" overall, I got along great with many, but once school was over, there were only a handfull I kept in contact with. Really you shouldn't be looking to make every person you meet in college your best friend for life. Be pleasant, hang around the ones you like, and chances are at some point there will be a couple you do really get in tight with and will probably know for many years to come.

Rohaq

EclecticGroove wrote:

celery77 wrote:

No honestly it's not that tricky. If you just want someone to like you, all you have to do is show interest in them. People are flattered and like you when you show interest in them. Now, you can take this too far, because really all it means is (a) ask questions about that person and (b) listen to whatever they say. It's not glamorous getting people to like you, no, it's not, but it's easy. Ask them questions and listen to them and they will like you, I promise.

To expand on this... sometimes it doesn't matter what you do either.. some people just will NOT like you, and some you just won't ever like either... it's life, no biggie move on and don't sweat it.

Ah yeah, important point; if you try to get people to like you, you generally put people off. Act like yourself, don't try and force people to like you, and you'll likely get along a lot better with people in general.

VeritasVR

Rohaq wrote:

Ah yeah, important point; if you try to get people to like you, you generally put people off. Act like yourself, don't try and force people to like you, and you'll likely get along a lot better with people in general.

SpaceMonkey

For me, if someone has a sense of humor similar to mine, we usually get along great. All of my friends and I share a somewhat morbid, deadpan style humor. We make each other laugh all the time.

We also have VERY similar taste in movies, games, and most importantly music. That's also pretty important, I reckon-- we always have something to do we'll all enjoy.

BeautifulJoe

My little bit of contributing.

More than anything however and I hope everyone agress make sure you like yourself. That can go along way with people when you are genunine and as well confident with yourself.

TychoCelchuuu

People like it when they can be themselves around you. They also like you if you are hilarious, but obviously that's not something you can work on. Really, if you're not a total jerk, similar interests are enough to make friends.

ege02

Some people are accepted by many groups but do not "belong" to any one group in particular. I can sympathize since I'm one of those people. I have no problem with getting along with anyone; I hang out with lots of different people. My friend groups are so distinct and different that sometimes they don't even get along with each other, but I have no trouble fitting in to each.

Even though at first I thought it was a little empty too, now that I'm in my fifth year of college I really appreciate the diversity. Depending on my mood I can hang out with different people and do different things, and I do not feel like I have to "conform" to their lifestyle, if you know what I mean. I wanna go to movies? I call Trevor. I wanna go to a concert? I call Chris. I wanna stay in and watch movies? I call Olga. I wanna go drinking? I call Jake. And even though when I first met these people our relationship was somewhat distant, now that we have known each other for a while, I'm much closer with each and every friend I have.

So, your situation is not a bad one. In fact, I would say it's preferable to those who belong in only one group. Those people tend to get "socially trapped" in one group and they have trouble meeting others. Having "access" to more than one group means you can enlarge your social circle much more easily.

aesir

friendships take upkeep. You have to call people you meet and keep up with them and hang out with them when you can. You can't just expect them to just invite you to hang with them all the time.

Sam

here's something sort of interesting- people tell me they'll call, and go on not to. it's a little tiresome, and i hate having to call, and i don't get through half the time. i give them the benefit of doubt, because i miss calls too.
but am i missing something? are people that insincere? or is making false plans considered etiquette?

Amigu

It's usualy not your wits or generally any other trait you value in yourself that makes people like you. It's how much you show them that you like and except them. If you are super warm and friendly to people and there aren't any other factors to interfer they"ll like you.

It's was a bit humbling to find that out because I always thought people like me because I'm smart and funny.

The clique things a bit more complicated. I find that once you have established yourself in a clique (which just happens once you stick to a particular clique for a long enough time) you have more freedom to approach and be accepted by other cliques because you're like an ambasador rather than a loner. So don't think that by picking one particular clique to "align" yourself with you are excluding yourself from any other friendships because generaly the opposite is true (unless your clique happens to be called "the crips").

I'm kind of in the same boat as you because I've found myself in the role of the popular outsider a fair bit and that's what I've observed and it's helped me get in with people.

Amigu

Sam wrote:

here's something sort of interesting- people tell me they'll call, and go on not to. it's a little tiresome, and i hate having to call, and i don't get through half the time. i give them the benefit of doubt, because i miss calls too.
but am i missing something? are people that insincere? or is making false plans considered etiquette?

That's the downside of not being really tight with a certain group, they aren't as commited to you either.
People will in the moment say they'll give you a call and then either forget about it or think that you weren't 100% serious anyway. It's ok to be persistent here I think, because there's no ill will behind them not calling you (I don't think I've ever been purposefuly doged). Call them up and show them that you are intrested in doing something "Hey man about that skate" or whatever.
Another good idea is to call people you really like on the weekends just to see how they're going (especialy if you don't see them often) just to show a bit of commitment and very often they'll want to do something.